Apocrypals

"And Isaiah answered and said 'So far as I have utterance, damned and accused be thou and all thy powers and all thy house, for thou canst not take from me aught save the skin of my body.' And they siezed and sawed in sunder Isaiah the son of Amoz with a wooden saw." -- The Ascension of Isaiah, 5:9-11.

Here's a question for you, Theophiloi: How do you get rid of a prophet who won't stop sitting on your bed in the nude with 50 of his closest friends? The answer, at least according to this week's selection, is that you wait for him to turn into a tree that also won't stop prophesying, and then saw him in half. Join us as we read the apocryphal Ascension of Isaiah, which gets into some shockingly specific detail about what we can expect in the Gospels... mostly.

Topics of discussion: The feast of Mary, Mother of the Church, Pentecost, Shavuot, a missed installment of SatanWatch, Isaiah's constant nudity, Samael, the Venom of God, the Carnage of God, the Demiurge, Belial, demons in the air, AntichristWatch, Negaduck Jesus, Nero's popularity, Jesus's wrath against White Castles, the benefits of wooden saws, the Seven Heavens, God's password, Thrones and thrones, the Junior Woodchuck Guide for Heaven, Haguel.

"Therefore, any one of you who judges is without excuse, for when you judge another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things. We know that God's judgment on those who do such things is based on the truth. Do you really think any one of you who judges those who do such things yet do the same, that you will escape God's judgment?" -- Romans 2:3

Hello, Theophiloi! We, Chris and Benito, faithful servants of the podcasting game, called to talk about the Bible without being jerks about it, bid you greeting. This week, we set out on the Roman Road with our Straw Teen for the most commonly quoted book of the New Testament.

Topics of discussion: The format of Roman letters, a shout out to Phoebe, the Roman Road, Teen Missions, a serious look at the context of Paul's letter versus the modern evangelical take, three paragraphs about circumcision, Resurrection Bodies, the two great commandments, and what is Paul even talking about?

"Woe to those that are wise in their own opinion and clever in their own sight." -- Isaiah 5:21

Isaiah, the biggest beefiest boy of all the prophets, steps into the spotlight to put our very premise to the test. Can we actually do an episode when there's no real narrative and about 66 chapters of prophecies that require a 45-minute history lesson? U-DECIDE! We dive in for some complicated context, check out the most quotable book of the Bible, and at long last, start runnin' with the devil.

Topics of discussion: Joshua, Isaiah, and Jesus all having the same name, the Three Isaiahs, the Regret Box, "Feet," Alma vs. Parthenos, the Syro-Ephremite War, Hezekiah building a tunnel to avoid eating his own poop, God is sick of your parties, swords to plowshares and other common phrases, Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz vs. Pele-Joez-El-Gibbor-Abi-Ad-Sar-Shalom, Sheol vs. Hades vs. Hell vs. Gehenna the perpetually burning garbage dump, Lucifer (actually Venus), the first appearance of monotheism, Cyrus the Great

"Go, say unto Simon: Peter, because of whom thou fleddest out of Judaea, waiteth for thee at the door." -- The Acts of Peter, Chapter IV

Join us this week as we dive into the apocryphal Acts of Peter and Acts of Peter and Paul for the daring return of the Bad Samaritan himself, the Father of All Heresies, the man who claims to be Jesus and may actually be Paul, Simon Magus! When our favorite Biblical supervillain shows up, Simon "The Rock" Peter returns to action to reanimate a smoked herring, get into a resurrection-off, and other Acts that are buck wild even by Biblical standards. Plus, the extremely apocryphal events of Justice League of America #2 and World's Finest #265.

Topics of discussion: Julius Caesar Real vs. Robin Hood real, How to tell Peter and Paul apart in paintings, Leucius Charinus, Gnosticism and Ennoia, Simon (Paul) (Saul) vs. Peter (Simon), the death of Dioscurus, how the city of Pontiole got full-on Spongebobbed, The Acts of Pilate and the Gospel of Nicodemus, the Science Dimension, The Church of Domine Quo Vadis and the footprints of the Ghost of Jesus, Peter: The Literal Rock, San Paolo alla Tre Fontani, M.R. James, Harris and See, "Roll Call" by Lil Jon feat. Ice Cube, Reigns: a big dog.

Special thanks to Jordan Witt for our new artwork this episode!

"Therefore I issue a decree that anyone of any people, nation, or language who says anything offensive against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego will be torn limb from limb and his house made into a garbage dump." -- Daniel 3:29

This week, Benito and Chris take their first foray into the Old Testament, and into the Apocrypha with the Book of Daniel, including the deuterocanonical Prayer of Azariah, Bel and the Dragon, and Susanna. Join us as we discuss Nebuchadnezzar's harsh penalties, Daniel's Encyclopedia Brown-esque early days, examine the one weird trick that makes doctors hate this local prophet, and treat you to what might be the most amazing pun of the entire Bible. Plus: Chris went to Mass!

Topics of discussion: Catholic Mass and the Lord's Prayer freestyle breakdown, the Tanakh vs. the Old Testament, a brief recap of the period between Abraham and Alexander the Great, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, turning houses into garbage dumps as punishment for bad dream interpretation, most of the Bible stories you bring up conversationally, Antiochus IV Epiphanes and an excellent goof from history, tree puns in Greek, the Septuagint, Encyclopedia Daniel, Angelic GrubHub, 2 Creeps.

"Look, you scoffers, marvel and vanish away, because I am doing a work in your days, a work that you will never believe, even if someone were to explain it to you." — Acts 13:41

Chris and Benito begin their Biblical journey with the sequel to the Gospels. The Holy Ghost Awakens as Peter proves to be pretty hard-line about communism, Paul goes a little too hard in the paint, and we meet our first favorite character in the Book.

Topics of discussion: Holy Week breakdown, Theophilus and the #squad, Judas exploding, St. Christopher (a werewolf), Pentecost, Ananias and Saphira vs. Full Socialism, Simon Magus, 12 dudes with like four names between them, the Party Dude of the Book of Acts, Snake Church, the two main dudes of the Bible.

"Then, even if your beginnings were modest, your final days will be full of prosperity." -- Job 8:7

Welcome to Apocrypals, the podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible, but aren't, you know, jerks about it. Join comic book writers Benito Cereno and Chris Sims as they embark on a complete, non-sequential journey from Acts to Zephaniah, with stops in the Apocrypha along the way.

Before we dive into the Good Book, though, we sit down to explain exactly why we're doing this, what our goals are, and our own history with a particularly Southern brand of Christianity.

Topics of discussion: The music of Carman, "pizza parties," Wu Tang vs. Supreme Court vs. Apostles, raps about the Gospels, St. Brightside, Paul as the Captain America of the Apostles.