Apocrypals

Top o' the mornin' to ye, Theophiloi! In honor of his verdant feast day, we're taking a look at the life of Saint Patrick! Witness as he comes out of his cage and does just fine bringing Christianity to the pagan isle of Ireland. You will erhaps be shocked by the fact that there are zero (0) mentions of snakes or shamrocks, but we do have the return of all of our favorite Bible traditions: explosions, wizard battles, were-foxes, all that stuff. Plus: one of us might be immortal now?

Topics of discussion: Lent, M. O'ses, Succet, the most buck wild book of the Bible to recite in its entirety every single day, Victor/Victoricus, a proclamation from Benito (and yes he knows they're Scottish), the proper number of times to invoke Elijah, truly harrowing birthday celebrations, Miliucc with two Cs, St. Bofa of Haenuces, dope AF (ad fidum), St. Patrick's actual Dungeons & Dragons spellbook, a hole in the ground for unbaptized babies.

Hymnal: "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Take heed, Theophiloi, because we have some intense and highly specific requirements for your upcoming tabernacle construction this week. That's right: we've wandered out of the narrative section of Exodus and into the part that's mostly about how much the Lord loves acacia wood, with a few extremely famous events strewn among it for good measure. Moses has an exceptionally long conversation at the top of Mount Sinai and we go from "yikes" to "YIKES!" as we cover some Old Testament laws. Plus: the surprising origin of a terrible and ridiculous stereotype!

Topics of Discussion: Mardi Gras and its regional food variants, the categories of Jewish Law, The 10x2 Commandments (the Decalogue and the Other Ones), a good joke about a bad preacher, what to do if a donkey falls in your hole, some Very Bad Laws, Punching Your Mom: Just Don't Do It!, Home Alone Doctrine, Witch v. Sorceress, the sin that will make the Lord come down with a sword and kill you His Own Self, the Highlander catalog, a li'l house for God, the Calfatron Swerve.

Hymnal: "Exodus" by Bob Marley and the Wailers

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

PS: Apologies for the occasional scratchiness on the recording this time around -- Benito was testing out a new mic!

Happy Valentine's Day, Theophiloi, and might I just say, you're looking good today. Hair like goats, teeth like sheep, just dripping with myrrh... yes, all your parts are in very sexy condition. What's that? Why yes, we have been taking a few tips from Bible's greatest romantic, King Solomon the Demon-Queller! He's here with his sensual mixtape and we're going through it track by track as we take on the Song of Songs! Plus: a brief non-history of St. Valentine! Hey, don't... uh, don't listen to this one with your mom, okay?

Topics of discussion: A soupçon of Magic: The Gathering, the Sanctum Sanctorum, "Rich Girl," tbe mechanics of Bumble vis-a-vis gazelle fawns and grapes, chiastic structure, metaphors and abbreviations in order to keep our "Clean" tag, sheep content, lots of stuff we can't really put in the description, and only two jokes we had to cut out.

Hymnal: "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Get your shoes on and don't you dare leaven that bread, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into the Book of Exodus! In this episode, we cover the first 18 chapters, including Moses's surprisingly violent origin story, 7+3 plagues, and Pharaoh's many, many ill-advised decisions. Plus, the ultimate #passoverhack: tacos.

Topics of discussion: Candlemas, LentMadness.org, Mary of Bethany v. Martha of Bethany: Dawn of Saintliness, the Main Dude of Judaism, God's surprising forgetfulness, God's even more surprising similarity to the Power Rangers, a very confusing circumcision, "Pharaoh Pharaoh" and its bespoke dance moves, Arbok vs. Ekans in Bible Times, the planet Drakulon, Double Blood, RAINING BREEEEEEEEEEAAAD! FROM A LACERATED SKY!, and God's delicious dandruff.

Hymnal: "Raining Blood" by Slayer

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Just so you know, Theophiloi, both of us have definitely read the Book of Exodus, as planned. Definitely. Especially me. Remember Pharaoh? And how about that Moses, huh? Anyway, this week, we're taking a break from scripture to answer your listener questions! Plus: the Renowned Jester of the Lord!

Topics of discussion: What surprised us about Bible, what we're worried about covering, further reading, disciples smooching and/or playing D&D, the Armor of God, cleric domains, Batman as the model of a sacred text, John son of James, planning our next trip to the bar, favorite books, "Thunder, Perfect Mind," the Noah No-Prize, saints we'd like to fight, Triclavianism.

Hymnal: "21 Questions" by 50 Cent feat. Nate Dogg

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Greetings, Theophiloi, from your ever-punctual Sons of Thunder! We're back this week to answer the question of whether we can talk for an hour about exactly four pages (and 47 verses) of Bible. It's the famous story of a guy who has to live inside a whale for three days and then gets dunked on by God because he's a real grumpy boy. Join us for Jonah, won't you?

Topics of discussion: Excuses excuses, New Year's but for trees, the official End of Christmas, a PG-13 review of the BibleGateway iPhone App, Ultra Boy (Jo Nah), Veggietales Apocrypha, @THERADR, the Orb (from Ghost Rider), St. Augustine (the famous one), whale kisses, a very scary ding-dang, Benito's Weird Language Tangent Corner, Jonah's increasingly improbable homes.

Hymnal: "My Name is Jonas" by Weezer

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

We're back for 2019, and on the off chance that we didn't have enough of them already, get ready for a couple new Johns. Specifically, we're celebrating Epiphany with Of Hildesheim's 14th-century book on the Legend of the Three Kings, which also introduces us to Prester. How weird is this one? Well, Chris highlighted an entire page from top to bottom, so believe us, it's a rollercoaster. Plus: Li'l Fat Jesus!!!!

Topics of discussion: Benito getting yelled at about the historicity of Jesus, church cusses, Women's Christmas, the Christmas Dragon and his poem about your faults, Balaam, Dismal Downs, B^F, 316 Covered Street, Skull Mountain Kisses, a great Apple, The Coins, Raw Balm aka Lazarus Pit Juice, St. Helen's traveling reliquary.

Hymnal: "Princes of the Universe" by Queen

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Mary Christmas, Theophiloi! Normally at this time of year, you get a nice little reading from Luke about being sore afraid and wishing peace on Earth and goodwill to men. Unfortunately, we already covered that one, so we're bringing you the birth of Christ as you've never heard it before with the Infancy Gospel of James. We learn all about Mary's origin, in which she was Rapunzeled for thirteen years and then handed off to a very confused local carpenter. Plus: all the other holy days we'll be missing before we come back on Epiphany!

Topics of discussion: Southern Snow Day, Boleslav the Cruel, Colly Birds, a bit of difficulty counting to seven which is of course the highest number, CMB, Mary vs. Betty vs. Veronica, the Ultimate Blessing, Joseph's four-year house-building tour, an extremely dark joke from Chris, the Lord's drink, Time Stop (lv.9 wiz/sor), the Fortress of Baptitude, a few new ideas to incorporate in your Christmas traditions, 2 minutes of Benito doing animal noises (seriously).

Hymnal: "Reindeer Games" by Froggy Fresh

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

So long Hanukkah and Hello Advent, Theophiloi! It's your humble Sons of Thunder on 2018's best podcast for news about Ahikar and St. Thecla's conflict with man-eating seals, and before we close out the Festival of Lights, we're going all in with 2 Maccabees. Things get buck wild as we hear about Judah Maccabee's exploits once again, now with roughly 1,000% more ghost warriors and magic swords. Seriously, this is the most action-packed part of Bible we have ever experienced, and you'll recall that we saw Judas exploding back in episode 1, so the bar has been set pretty high. We do, however, need to put a strong Content Warning on this one for some graphic descriptions of torture and martyrdom.

Topics of discussion: The Murder That I Like The Most vs. The Apocryphamici, the Catalonian Poop Log, our local Holiday Parades, the Bangles, Jason of Cyrene, the Drizzt Do'Urden of Jewish history, "The Greek Hat," illegal tactics in the wrestling arena, dubious omens, wishing a happy monthday to Antiochus III, Ex Nihilo creation, our complicated relationship with military heroes, BFFLW, the wildest death scene in the entire Bible.

Hymnal: "Not By Might, Not By Power" by Debbie Friedman

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Chag sameach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah times, so we're diving into One Maccabees to learn the story of the Festival of Lights, and also get 16 full chapters of Jews just beating the ever-loving sugar out of everyone in the Levant. Light that Hanukkiah, sharpen that sword, and get ready for the most action-packed piece of Bible, ever. Plus, our suggestions for adding Judith and Matzoh-rella sticks to your holiday celebrations!

Topics of discussion: Holiday scheduling, The Christmas Chronicles and the canonicity of St. Nicholas, Church cusses, Mattathias's large adult sons, Judah Maccabee the Hammers of History, Alexander the Great, dream casting the 1999 Maccabees movie, Antiochus IV Epiphanes getting dunked on so hard that he dies, War Elephants, Eleazar the Piercer, King Baby, the Hammer and the Diplomat.

Hymnal: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!