Get ready for HAINTS AND SAINTS, Theophiloi! It's Halloween and things are getting wild spooky up in here as we diver into the testament of Solomon, a very wise man who likes two things: glorifying God and forcing demons to do menial labor. Meet several new costume options that you certainly won't have to spend all night explaining, including Ornias, Beelzeboul, Onoskelis, Astaroth, the 36 Elements of the Cosmic Ruler of the Darkness, our old pal Asmodeus, and Pteradrakun, who... well, you see the title of the episode, right? Plus: Solomon invents capitalism!

Topics of discussion: Benito explains himself, JC Go!, the Da Vinci Coders, St. Aspren, another preview of First Enoch, our plans for a purely hypothetical live show, MTV's Next, lacunae and vox nihili, The Lord Sabaoth, the Pentalpha, Slam Evil!, live-streaming a Hell House, Benito's favorite Ancient Greek words, continuity with Tobit, a numerology lesson about 644, "I Am Error," a LOT of Hellboy talk, Hello the Hellhound, a solid Mary Marvel pitch.

Hymnal: The Monster Mash by Bobby "Boris" Pickett

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

PIECES be with you, Theophil-OOZE, and get ready for the first installment of our two-part HELLoween SCAREtacular! This week, we're descending into HELL! And, uh, it's not actually that scary in the traditional sense, although the antisemitism of early Christian writings brings its own brand of horror. Either way, it's our long-awaited discussion of the Harrowing of Hell! Plus, an untold tale of Jesus's magic emotion-changing clothes!

Topics of discussion: The rehabilitation of Pilate, the Apostle's Creed, the Autobiography of Bruce Wayne, a brand-new miracle, St. Procla, the origin of Veronica, a revelation about twelve years of bleeding, a good way to repel evil spirits, a slightly less good way to repel evil spirits from Benito's childhood, devhellopment, the Bad Place, God's magic word, Habakuk's comeback, the Cure of Tiberius and the Death of Pilate, a secret zombie, Longinus, and a surprise appearance by the Antichrist.

Hymnal: "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Get ready, Theophiloi, because it's time for a tightly plotted heist story about our favorite Deuterocanonical heroine, Judith! We'll be heading into a slice of the Apocrypha with some sharp commentary that cuts right to the good stuff. Get to listening, chop chop! Plus: Some very good and suggestions for improving Hanukkah that you can implement in your own celebrations!

Topics of discussion: The ironies (all of them), Doubting Tomax, a prelude to Martinmas, St. Isadore the Hedgehog, an extended digression about Simon Magus and Avril Lavigne, The RAMBAN, Antilebanon, the Cracker Barrel Master Mold, earth and water, the most boss flex in the entire Bible, getting captured on purpose, Alfred, cheese plots, a Comic-Con of soldiers, and whether Holofernes was just a foot guy.

Hymnal: "Heads Will Roll" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Watch out, Theophiloi -- we've got some high voltage coming your way as we dive into the apocryphal Acts of Paul and Thecla. For the first time, we have a real female protagonist who has agency... to the extreme. Join us for an astounding piece of Biblical fanfic, a discussion of why Thecla was left out of the canon (hint: thousands of years of entrenched misogyny), and get ready to be thirsty for virtue when you meet your new favorite semi-Biblical figure. Plus: a very good story about a very large lion.

Topics of discussion: "The Lost Scriptures" by Bart Ehrman, a brief divergence into Santa Claus Canon, the real Patron Saint of the Internet, St. Isadore of Seville, Tertullian, Constantine (not that one) and the Hell Bible's version of Corinthians, various apocalypses, Paul's Bulk and Skull, AO1, a stack of virginity pledges reaching to the ceiling of the Flavian Amphitheater, Adrian Toomes, the hat guy, Holy Musk, Quentin Beck, man-eating seals, a surprising substance to see at a beheading, and a litany of podcast recs.   

Hymnal: "Danger! High Voltage!" by Electric Six

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

This week we're doing something a little different, Theophiloi! Before we finally move on from Genesis, we've invited the Beloved Wolfman, our pal David Wolkin, to talk us through the Torah. He covers his upbringing and work in Jewish education, and the story of a flawed people struggling with a very confusing God. Plus: the potentially devastating academic consequences of eating at IHOP and answers to your listener questions.

Topics of discussion: The Jesustaur, David (the person), David (the name), David (the king), Sukkot, Rabbinic Commentary, Rashi, Rambam, The Besht (aka Master of the Good Name), the Rav, a swift and brutal lesson in Hebrew pronunciation, Bibliodrama, Storahtelling, the Sh'ma Exercise, the Peter Gabriel Webring, Original Sin, the exact date of the end of the world as revealed by the Holy Bible, the Jesse White Tumblers, Hebrew School Musical, the Dinosaur Bone Dimension, the first tongs.

Hymnal: "Invisible Touch" by Genesis

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

It's finally time, Theophiloi, for us to finish our exhausting journey through the extremely bizarre Book of Genesis! This week, it's the life of Joseph and his Completely Ordinary Long-Sleeved Dream Robe! The Golden Age Daniel (aka the Lord of Dreams) closes out the book with a surprisingly cohesive narrative that teaches us the solution to all of life's problems: throw it in a hole. It's the final 13 of 50 verses of people making bad moves! Join us, won't you?

Topics of discussion: Hopes for an easy and meaningful fast on Yom Kippur, an evaltuation of Scott Rogowski's shofar playing, extremely good impressions of the Prince of Stories, inflation in Bible times, Er, Onan, a bizarre sex prank, Potiphar's name bros, America's three favorite things, a brief appearance by Historical Dracula, The Bonus Goat Podcast Network, Ben Carson, a wild set of last words, and a successful arrival in Egypt where nothing bad will happen probably.

Hymnal: "Coat of Many Colors" by Dolly Parton

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Content Warning: We cover the story of Dinah in this episode, which involves a sexual assault.

Shanah Tovah, Theophiloi, and welcome back to what we're pretty sure is the world's only Bible podcast! We're kicking off 5779 with the third part of our increasingly unwieldy discussion of Genesis. This week, the Lentil Stew Boys are back for hijinx as we cover the lives of Jacob and Esau, and give you a shofar performance that critics are already hailing as "well-intentioned." It is both our sexiest and most pro wrestling heavy episode yet, and we're as surprised by that as you are.

Topics of discussion: Our wishes for a sweet Rosh Hashanah, Jacob's invention of cosplay, situations in which literally lying to your blind father about God is totally fine, conservation of blessings, a Jacobian installment of Benito's Anthroponomastics Corner, ordinary eyes, quite a few trips to the bone zone, animal husbandry and sympathetic magic, sympathetic sheep magic, Rachel's 11, whether or not the Holy Trinity tapped, the Biblical version of Death Wish meets Death Wish III.

Hymnal: "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

We've got a content warning on this one: This section of Genesis includes some very famous instances of homophobia, sexual assault, and incest. Keep that in mind if you plan on listening this week. 

Join us, Theophiloi, as we continue our journey through Genesis. The first of the Pentateuch continues to be challenging as we move into the life of Abraham and find things that are even weirder than we got with Adam, Eve, and Noah. Join us for the many instances of Abraham hanging out with God, the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah, the Binding of Isaac,  and the Biblical figure who is far more problematic than that ol' kitty-cat Satan: Lot. Lot is very bad, actually. 

Topics of discussion: Chris Books and Benito Books, apple puns, the adventures of Abram when he was a boy, Midrash and the No-Prize, Abram's first Pokémon battle, how to deal with Pharaoh (hint: plagues), why East is bad,  Melchizedek's extremely good name, the War of Nine Kings, Arioch, the exact amount by which Abram is better than Leonidas, various covenants, the actual Handmaid's Tale, The Angel Of The LORD, the covenant of circumcision, Philo, Maimonides aka the RAMBAM, God's running crew and their love of bread, Lot's wife Eurydice, the troubling secret origin of the Moabites, Xena S1E18, obscure baby names, red stuff. 

Further reading: Who Wrote the Bible and The Bible With Sources Revealed, by Richard Elliott Friedman

Hymnal: "Gay Bar" by Electric Six

If you enjoy the show, why not make a love offering at http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals to help us out!

Ever wonder why we have anxiety, Theophiloi? Perhaps it's because we're sitting down to examine and/or make goofs about the extremely well-known foundational text of at least three major world religions. That's right, y'all: it's our longest episode yet, featuring the genesis of the beginning of Genesis. This week: Chapters 1 through 11, covering Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah's Ark  , and other stories that you probably know very well, assuming you remember the part where Noah passes out drunk with his junk out and invents slavery. Plus, join us in the Correctional Confessional as we address some mistakes and inaccuracies from last week's episode concerning the current status of St. Christopher and St. Wilgefortis, Skull Mountain Baptist Church, and the Arian Heresy. Ever wonder why we have anxiety, Theophiloi? Perhaps it's because we're sitting down to examine and/or make goofs about the extremely well-known foundational text of at least three major world religions. That's right, y'all: it's our longest episode yet, featuring the genesis of the beginning of Genesis. This week: Chapters 1 through 11, covering Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah's Ark, and other stories that you probably know very well, assuming you remember the part where Noah passes out drunk with his junk out and invents slavery. Plus, join us in the Correctional Confessional as we address some mistakes and inaccuracies from last week's episode concerning the current status of St. Christopher and St. Wilgefortis, Skull Mountain Baptist Church, and the Arian Heresy. 

Topics of discussion: Our favorite Non-Genesis creation stories, the Documentary Hypothesis (J, E, P, and D), the Tetragrammaton, Monolatry vs. Monotheism redux, the proper instructions for building LEGO sets, a busy week for Big G, ancient cosmology (aether, firmament, and other Spelljammer stuff), the two best land animals, a brief discussion of God's wife Ashe ra, the rather problematic relationship between the Book of Genesis and the gender binary and women in in general, the naming of the animals, Lilith and a secret Lilith that we've already talked about, the inherent evil of nudity, Cain, Kane, Kaine, various origins for vampires, the Nephilim, a trip to the Creation Museum, the Flood Narrative as a genre, God's knack for archery. 

Hymnal: "Genesis" by Justice

If you enjoy the show, why not make a love offering at http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals to help us keep going? We appreciate it, but love you all equally regardless. 

Happy birthday! To you, possibly, to us, definitely, as today (August 12) is Chris's birthday, and Benito's (August 20) is quickly following! To celebrate, we're taking a break from Bible Times to hit up the middle ages and Jacobus de Voragine's The Golden Legend. Join us as we learn about our namesake saints (namesaints), St. Christopher and St. Benedict. One is a gigantic werewolf and the other hates being horny. Just friggin' hates it. It's not a competition, but if it was, you know who'd be winning.

Topics of discussion: Four specific people for whom eight days constitutes a week, saints as a concept, martyrdom and the veneration of local heroes, two EXTREMELY good stories about Benito's younger days, Chris forgetting how to pronounce "Jacobus" literally six minutes after hearing it, a suspiciously erotic description of Italian geography, the calendar of the saints, Shawns and Martys, a bonus hagiography of St. Wilgefortis, cynocephaly, the Devil's Tramping Ground, the shortest possible summary of the life of Jesus Christ, St. Neo the One, St. Scholastica, the original name of Kentucky, the Devil's immense hatred of bells, Through the Roof (and Chris literally laughing until he cries), Analog Tinder, a quick tangent about Bob Ross, a number of dancing women that St. Peter can scarcely comprehend, Totila the King of the Goths, an accidental priesthood, an explanation at last for the Arian Heresy, zombie nuns, and proper vampire slaying technique.

This week's hymnal: "Werewolf Gimmick" by the Mountain Goats

If you want to support the show, head over to http:/ko-fi.com/apocrypals because we would certainly appreciate it! Also, if the spirit moves you, Chris's wishlist is here: http://a.co/7azrxBv (Benito opted not to share his, presumably preferring to throw himself into a rosebush).