Apocrypals

Listen at your own risk, Theophiloi, for this is our most curséd episode yet! We lost our first recording, our second only made it six minutes in, and our third... Well, at this point we're just hoping it's not a real FDS (Final Destination Situation). Either way, we've got a good one in the Acts of John, the apocryphal adventures of an Apostle who resurrected his way through various horrible sex crimes. Plus: Was John a dog? Like, literally?

Topics of discussion: Mr. Paul, Bapto & Patmo & Presbo & Thunderson, Robin-Hood-Was-A-Fox Real, Phillip: He Likes Horses, Cleopatra (not that one), the Nine Wonders of the World, psickle, bedbug hats, Docetism, hinder parts, Gustav Holst, apocryphal yaoi.

Hymnal: "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

Hey Theophiloi, good news/bad news. About eight minutes into the recording, Chris's Good Microphone stopped working and so we did an hour of the show with Chris sounding like he was trapped in a hole. The good news is that we have a very good text this week: the Book of Ruth, Bible's greatest saga of wheat farming and sapphic subtext! Plus: We angle hard for that Fig Newton sponsorship. What's good, Nabisco?

Topics of discussion: A thorough examination of the biblical themes in Neon Genesis Evangelion, the NBC drama thriller Blindspot, the Seven Species, Shavuot: A Chill Hang, Biblical figures that sound like Digimon, Orpah, PoemHub, gleaning the cube, vinegar sauce, "feet" again.

Hymnal: "Closer" by Tegan and Sara

Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

The boys are back in town, Theophiloi, and we've got some breaking news: it seems the Kingdom of Judah has broken its covenant with the Lord of Hosts and will be punished with sword, famine, and plague! Seems like pretty exciting stuff, until the 30th time you've been through it, which is pretty much Jeremiah in a nutshell. Join us as we finish out the longest book in the Bible (and hopefully our longest gap between episodes), won't you?

Topics of discussion: Joe Casey and Ben Marra's Jesusfreak, Chris's impending Bible tattoo, Ashura poles, the many sieges of Jerusalem, cravin' Newtons, the satisfaction of the thirsty, dankest Cush, you mean tall Nergal-sharezer?, the lost tribe of Amazons, the Lord's extremely bro-ish punishment for Moab, opinions about Edom, a desolation of ostriches, so many good pillars.

Hymnal: "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal

Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

Well, Theophiloi, it's been a hot minute, but we're back once again with the first half of Jeremiah, which is both the longest book in Bible and also the most unnecessarily long. Here, we'll save you some time: "God's mad." There, you have now read Jeremiah. If you want a more in-depth discussion of how metal this book can get, though, listen in for shattering destruction, and fields just chock full o' bones! Plus: the return of Rough Chuckles.

Topics of discussion: World Dracula Day, Jeremy & Danny & Eli & Obie & Hab, Twitter's tendency towards jerimiads, twist it like a camel, circumcised hearts, the problem all the murderers, spitting hot fire, an alternative to 1 Rinthies, Fleabag S2, Terror Is On Every Side.

Hymnal: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica

Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

Hello, Theophiloi and Cheerful Givers! Looking for a nice way to relax, chill out, and maybe even fall asleep? Good news: we've got the book for you. Our old nemesis St. Paul is back with a second letter to the church at Corinth, and pal, it is a snooze... right up until he starts talking about Super-Apostles and how he was beaten with sticks. After that, it gets pretty wild, so do your best to stay awake through the whole thing. Plus, the one piece of the Pauline Epistles that we 100%, absolutely agree with.

Topics of discussion: Bible Bible, a special day for talking about Laser Swords: The Movie, Paul's work friends, the invention of sarcasm, the Aroma of Jesus, Jars of Clay, the difficulty in building the churches of Achaea, the Super-Apostles, Frieza, a real Colton Burpo Situation.

Hymnal: "The Time Is Now" by John Cena

Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

Happy Easter, Theophiloi! He is risen indeed! It's definitely still Easter, so we're back with the Questions of Bartholomew, and friends, let me tell you: he is not the only one with some questions. Join us as Jesus reveals mysteries that are so scary they will literally make you die just from seeing them. We hope hearing about them is a bit less lethal.

Topics of Discussion: Hellstorm: Son of Satan, handy iconography of St. Nicholas of Myra, man-capes, St. Gracilis of Bonicorpus, an explanation of walls, a very long week, William Castle, Satan's version of Goof Troop, an amazing parenthetical, the three dudes left in Hell, Adam's very improbable height.

Hymnal: "Chase the Devil" by Max Romeo and the Upsetters

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Happy Holy Week, Theophiloi! If you're like your humble Son of Thunder and his friend the Author of All Lies, you have a keen interest in space. If that's the case, then you're going to love learning some new facts about the Sun and Moon as we dive into the second half of the Book of Enoch! Also, we really hope you like calendars, because there's about 20 pages of that in here too, but trust us: it's worth it for what comes after. Plus: A tale of Noah when he was a boy! Learning to write was a mistake.

Topics of discussion: The hated Green M&M, the failings of Lent Madness, Caesar Real vs. Benjamin Harrison Real, Four. Smooth. Pits., Enoch vs the Gender Binary, Taylor Swift's Ancient of Days, Gadrael the Angel of Kung Fu, an official naming of Chuck the Truck, Tomas y Sonja, gendered language, some PG-13 hog talk.

Hymnal: "X Gon' Give It To Ya" by DMX

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! To celebrate one year of the show, we're launching into one of our most requested texts: the apocalyptic, hallucinatory, and profoundly influential Book of Enoch. Written about 200 years or so after the beginning of time, this story follows a prophet who was so cool that God just took him up to heaven (or possibly the planet Krypton) so that they could hang out for eternity. Get ready for thirsty angels, crystal houses, and a debate over whether any of this is weirder than a dragon that likes butt stuff!

Topics of discussion: Angels, demons, and Dwayne, mid-level teens, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Benito's placement on a list of comic book stories, the dire consequences of angelic thirst, Nightcrawler's dad, forbidden cloud knowledge, AngelWatch, Dudiel the Bro of God, flaming fire, that time Ryan North fell into an empty pool and was trapped for an hour, John "James" Dee, the sexy truth about rain.

Hymnal: "Angel of the Morning" by Juice Newton

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Break out the birthday cake, Theophiloi, because as of this show, we've officially been at this for one full year! We're celebrating by pushing the Guessatron 5000 to its limits with a Bible Trivia Quiz to see if we (ie Chris) have learned anything from our year of book study. Play along and try not to yell at your phone too loud when you know the answer and Chris doesn't.

Topics of discussion: The Complete Book of Bible Trivia by J. Steven Lang, most of the Apostles, the Feast of the Annunciation and the single most important date in history, our potential Bible tattoos (Leviticus 19:27, Micah 7:8, Isaiah 54:17, Acts 8:21), the late Biblical scholar Raul Julia, the Beloved Disciple, another Lent Madness update, Paul's secret third profession and other bad jokes.

Hymnal: "Quiz" by CupcakKe.

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Get ready to put on your costume, give money to the poor, and get tore up from the floor up, Theophiloi, because it's Purim time! Join us for the story of Esther, a uniquely God-free entry into Bible about a beautiful queen outfoxing Haman (BOOOO!) to the point where he gets severely impaled. It's a good one.

Topics of discussion: a Lent Madness update, St. Joseph's Day, some bitterness about an old job, the Jewish Hero Corps, Ruth : Wheat :: Esther : Impalement, the Persian Wu-Tang Clan, a re-evaluation of Vashti, Haman's pockets (booo!), Esther's surprising similarity to Goku, a delicious villain humiliation, a not inconsiderable number of fairly preventable deaths, does Dogpile exist?

Hymnal: "Hey Man, Nice Shot" by Filter

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!