Apocrypals

Pack your bags, Theophiloi, because we're going on a trip to India with Thomas, the Second Christ, who works hard and flays harder. Thanks to Dr. Tony Burke and his new book, New Testament Apocrypha Volume 2, hitting shelves this summer, we're taking a look at one of the weirder apostolic adventures, translated for the new book by Janet Spittler and Jonathan Holste. That ol' doubter Thomas is out to spread the word, and believe us, he's got skin in the game. Spoiler warning: Jesus does a miracle.

Topics of discussion: Normal human times to sleep, the best titles in Bible, a drumline we can't name, our new cover art by JC Florendo, the Christian flag and its weird pledge, Chris making himself laugh very hard with a joke about Sonic, résumé tips, Jesus inventing the Cool S, umlaut vs. diaeresis, a real pickle, Yamcha Didymus, How Mary Beat Shaq.

Hymnal: "Celebrity Skin" by Hole, "Money, Money, Money" by Bens Happy Church Organ (https://youtu.be/2XzMLjVwI8g)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Keep fighting the good fight. Psalm 94.

Can you believe we're stuck in this elevator together, Theophiloi? I guess there's nothing we can do but pass the time with the clip show episode of Torah while we wait for the power to come back on. Join us as Deuteronomy offers up a bunch of stuff we've already read, and a record YPP score (yikes per page). We gotta eat the vegetables before we get to Judges, folks.

Topics of discussion: Benito's completely buck wild choice of a favorite candy seriously no matter what you are guessing right now you are wrong, British wrestler Grado, a "rap" about abstinence, We finally understand Bigger Luke, Sh'ma Israel, Backlash 2006, Dracula ex Cathedra, Solomon: threat or menace?, WrestleMania 25, Torah: The Anime (Torahnime), Scabies Jim.

Suggested Reading: Luke 4:18. Psalm 94:20-23. Isaiah 54:17. Micah 7:8. Black Lives Matter.

Hymnal: "Green Hornet Theme" by Al Hirt, "Wonderwall Cover auf Orgel" by Captain Mütsch (youtube.com/channel/UC2QJ4s5sJsgQjkGlitR66GA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or, better yet, check out the funds we recommended at the end of the show: https://www.blackvisionsmn.org/ and https://secure.actblue.com/donate/bail_funds_george_floyd

Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

It's our Nintendo 64th episode, Theophiloi, so we're taking a break from our usual Book study to dive into the least canonical Bible-adjace content we can! Not approved by the church, not approved by Nintendo of America, and barely approved by the LifeWay Christian Store, it's the extremely dubious catalogue of "Biblical" video games by Wisdom Tree. Join us as we spend a Sunday Funday waging Spiritual Warfare on some Bible Adventures. Don't forget Baby Moses!

Topics of discussion: Bible Adventures, King of Kings, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land, Joshua & the Battle of Jericho, Sunday Funday, Bible Buffet, Spiritual Warfare, MMXIII Anno Ludivici, the Mario Brothers enemies most and least like eagles, the Lord's presence in Fire Pro Wrestling, the Nintendo Seal of Quality, an inappropriate ranking of Miriam, Holy City Ransom, a pitch (ha-HA!) for Bible Adventures 2, J. Jonah Jameson vs. Mary, games that old people like, the sword expert and the clown, "The Ride of Life" (1995), H*ckraiser (the film), the canon accuracy of Bayonetta.

Hymnal: "The Game" by Mötorhead, "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring" from the Bible Adventures OST.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

You know who doesn't come off very well in Bible, Theophiloi? Dogs. This week, though, our canine pals get a little bit of redemption as we dive into the hagiographies of two sterling examples of Son of Man's Best Friend! Join us for the very official St. Roche "Pronounced Rock" Johnson and his li'l buddy Breadstick (patron saint of dogs) and the extremely disavowed St. Guinefort (patron saint of actually being a dog for real). Be warned: the dog does die in this one, but to be fair, he's a 13th century martyr, so you kind of had to expect that one. Plus: Every Dog Ever!

Topics of discussion: Pope Francis vs. Batman, the podcast of Avingon, a Bible Unicorn Update, an obscure reference even for us, acceptable babies, professional wrestler Lance Archer, alternate language for your 2020 PR emails, giving "thanks," an amazing sentence, Etienne de Bourbon, who suce en fait, when not to look at birds, America's daring, highly trained special missions dog, some real bad ideas about babies, Christ's Body in a beehvie which led us to make a great joke about Earth-3 Swarm that we lost due to technical difficulties, the rarified air of the Biscuit Sphere, another joke about how St. Guinefort could be that dog with the sword from Pokémon Sword that also got lost.

Hymnal: "Who Am I (What's My Name)" by Snoop Doggy Dogg, "Party Rock Anthem" by Jésus Pérez (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVBZKJaH-W8Vga70HQ1IM-Q)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

One thing you have to say for the Book of Numbers, Theophiloi: it is exactly what it says in the title. Well, most of it is, anyway. Mixed in with all the census totals and step-by-step MapQuest directions to the Promised Land, though, is some truly wild stuff, including the return of one of our favorite Biblical tropes, the talking animal that no one seems to think is odd in the slightest. Join us, but make sure to brace yourself for a whole lot of skantent.

Topics of discussion: The Devil's Bible (Wizard Magazine), the Devil's Bible (Codex Gigas), horse_ebooks, "Petition Pit," Scholars and Clowns, the two wolves inside us, clown eggs, James O'Barr's The Crow, a large Jamie Madrox of frog, the P editor, a mysterious animal that is either a sea cow or a Lady Rainicorn, Nazarite vs. Nazarene, the Aaronic Benediction, the Lord's invention of ska, an extremely clutch joke made to my wife, Nachos Galacticos, something that is definitely not an idol, Mt. TERF, God just making a bunch of disembodied mouths and then going to bed, Ac***a Gr**e, some wild nasty idol worship in Peor, Rimmon-Perez, a home for Slayer.

Hymnal: "Let Me Ride That Donkey" by 69 Boyz, "Waterloo" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! It's our show's second approximate birthday and it also just happens to be Big Boy Season. we're celebrating both with our annual tradition of checking in with Enoch, one of two prophets that God liked so much that he brought him directly to Heaven to hang out with a bunch of on fire eye wheels for 3,000 years before anyone else got there. And yes, this is definitely Heaven. It's absolutely, definitely Heaven. Trust us, it's all completely normal Bible stuff.

Topics of discussion: the Portal of Hubris, Ten-Pound Necktie, Big Boi Bible, in-car worship service, Enochian: The Language of the Angels, the Ophanim Clarence, Willy Wonka nonsense, DewBox, Chalky Dry, a special appearance from The G.O.A.T., the secret Tenth Heaven, Todd McFarlane's Book of Enoch, the four things that make up history, Ultimate Genesis, planetary hours, icing bros in the seventh generation of man, Benito basically calling Chris a clown to his face even though he can't even remember what Batman says in Batman Begins, double evil, the confirmed existence of Dog Heaven, speculation about Rancho Heaven, the Exaltation of Melchizedek which is somehow even weirder than the rest of the boo.

Hymnal: "The Boys are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy, "Gimme Gimme Gimme" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45), "Under Pressure" by Tom Scharpling, Queen, and David Bowie (thebestshow.net)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

We're all having an extremely normal time right now, Theophiloi, but it always pays to remember that it could be worse. You could, for example, be Andrew, first called to be a disciple of the Lord Jesus, who was then sent to do a bunch of murders and be tortured in the City of the Man-Eaters. Or you could be Matthias, about whom nothing is known other than that he had to pretend to think he was a cow for about a month. Listen in this week as your humble Sons of Thunder take a trip through a story so ridiculously buck wild that it officially has no historical or doctrinal value, won't you?

Topics of discussion: The Annunciation of Biscuit, a depression-based lifehack, the truth about St. Corona, the Darkness, Wolphin update, Spongeheart Deadpants, Truth or Consequences, secret miracles, the single dumbest audio joke I have ever done on the show, Sphex Therapy, The Great Satans Mike and Porter, 360 noscope prayer, apostolic crankiness.

Hymnal: "Maneater" by Hall & Oates, "S.O.S." by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

Offertory: Want to ease Benito's anxiety about jostling the computer? The Lord loves a cheerful giver, so please help support the show via ko-fi.com/apocrypals

Time to eat the vegetables, Theophiloi. After nearly two years of putting it off, we finally lay down the law with Leviticus, and scramble desperately to make a few jokes before we wind up thoroughly exhausted. It's not even the parts you know about that do it! It's the four chapters about skin care! Just go to Lush! Plus, a bitter argument about the weather that will ultimately destroy the show. Is this the end of the Apocrypals?

Topics of discussion: Entrails & Shanks, an unsolicited endorsement for Arby's, the testament of Jarvis Cocker, Moses and his pristine mind palace, why Aaron's sons took the jobs as priests, the ticking salsa clock, multiple lists of birds, the controversy of the Muscovy duck, Normal Bible Stuff, Nightcrawler's dad's goat, the CASB, the satyr seder, a reminder to not sacrifice your kids to Molech, a long-awaited return to the bar, ligers, Sailor Moon vs. Molech, The Lord's opinion of Tully Blanchard and Magnum TA, Jubilee years.

Hymnal: "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest, "The Winner Takes It All" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

Offertory: The Lord loves a cheerful giver, so please help support the show via ko-fi.com/apocrypals

Cough up that fishbone and tighten up your bowstrings, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into a trio of hagiographies from our boy JDV and the Golden Legend. Join us as we commemorate February with a look at the ever-penetrated St. Sebastian, #1 pig recovery specialist St. Blaise, and the iron-willed patron of bellmakers, St. Agatha! Since we provide all the details of their martyrdom, I think we're technically a true crime podcast now, so increase your sponsorship accordingly.

Topics of discussion: The most North Carolina miracle of all time, date night at Target, St. Baldomerus, Benito's distressing jeremiad against locksmiths, several mentions of the G.O.A.T. Erica Henderson, St. Sebastian's bad tactic for "helping," the best KISS song, Carp: the fruit of the sea, apartment buildings of ancient Rome, a stunning display of fragile masculinity, Chris's limited knowledge of porcupines, the dire consequences of intra-marital affairs, King Gumbert, the 14 Holy Helpers, questions for pápá, "Precious" Paul Ellering, boob cakes.

Hymnal: "Hail St. Sebastian" by the Mountain Goats, "Mamma Mia" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

Wizards! Talking lions! Armies of demons! Dudes just straight getting wrecked in the face! Truly it can be said, Theophiloi: this one has it all. Join us as we recount the lives and conduct of the holy women in their swashbuckling adventure that was definitely not written by Mr. Paul. Also, we talk about what Jesus would be like if He was in Smash Bros., which takes up about fifteen minutes and is basically the entire premise of this show.

Topics of Discussion: Super Smash Son of Man, the Yoshi of Jesus, Chris slightly misremembering the "Domine Quo Vadis?" story but the bit is still good so whatever don't @ me, A Truly Beautiful And Golden Nightingale, SaulOfTarsus69(Never69), a good tank top, Philotheus, Andrew the Apostle's canonical height, Rebecca the Human, a conversation that sounds like we're swearing but we're DEFINITELY not swearing and I cannot stress that enough, there are no swears here, it's what it says in Bible, the Lord's names, Marine Todd, a real MJFS, the invention of mixed martial arts.

Hymnal: "Roar" by Katy Perry; "Take a Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals