Apocrypals

If you thought the Song of Solomon was going to be a tough one for us to get through with our "Clean" tag intact, Theophiloi, brace yourselves for the Life of St. Martin. With a translation that almost has to be purposefully nasty, we're kicking off Advent with the 100% true and factual story of Martin of Tours, the saint who cured the sick, raised the dead, and ruined at least one funeral. Plus: the Devil! Like... a lot of the Devil!

Topics of Discussion: Things we will have done for Halloween, Benito's obituary for Chris, Sulpitius Severus and his enduring fan-fiction, the difference between soldiers and monks, a bishop whose name briefly turns this into an Abbot & Costello skit, the funniest line to ever appear in an actual hagiography, our obituary editorial cartoons, the invocation of Bofa, measuring demons in Marys Magadalene, the benevolent devotion of St. Martin.

Hymnal: "Martin" by Steve Keitt, "Welcome to the Jungle" by the Hungarian Coverist (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkHR1ZZ1bsYNkFBv1qkjQ1A)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Psalm 12:8.

Happy Halloween, DRACULA-philoi, and pre-SCARE to have your sins counted as we descend once more into HELL! Specifically the Hell described in the Apocalypse of Simon "The Rock" Peter, in which everyone's favorite teen apostle describes the many punishments that await sinners of varying quality in the afterlife. Let BOO-nito SCREAM-o and CRYPTS Sims (should've thought of that one for the show) guide you on a harrowing journey full of ironic punishments and laser babies. THRILLER EYES!

Topics of Discussion: The Halloweenicity of the Phantom Zone, Halloween Carols, the spookiest Batman villains, seasonally appropriate video games, #FigContent, the Third Jewish Revolt, apocryphal subtweets, a debate over acceptable obscurity in our references, Curt Connors (The Lizard) (and What He Did), very specific apocalypse imagery, blasphememes, God's intense dislike for Avatar (2009), milksnakes, a Gravitron of Wizards, Teenage Mutant Ninja Angels, karate history, tiny pitchforks.

Hymnal: "Into The Fire" by Dokken , "Thriller" by Jonny Music ( https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel/featured )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Nahum 3:17.

If you've ever read Bible and thought "hey, this is great but I wish it had dudes just unleashing straight metaphorical fire on workers of iniquity," then allow your humble Sons of Thunder to introduce you to Micah and Nahum. What these two prophets lack in verbosity, they more than make up for in sheer scorching anger. Just wait'll you get to Nahum 3:19, Theophiloi. It's wild.

(Note: There's a stretch in this episode where Chris sounds like he's recording over a CB radio. It gets better after about ten minutes. Apologies, Romans 3:23.)

Topics of discussion: Halloweason begins, an understandable confusion of two saints, The Elder Scrolls V: 5kyrim, some deep cut comics references just in case anyone was starting with this episode and needed a good reason to not continue, yet another reference to the Power Team, new Holy Ghost powers to impress the kids, God's wife, the Raw Bible Verse spreadsheet.

Hymnal "Tramp the Dirt Down" by Elvis Costello, "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Mark 12:40.

Happy New Year, Theophiloi! That's right, it's Rosh Hashanah time, and we are 100% Done In 5781™. Also done? Joshua, whose journey to become the second Moses is going to take him down the path of mass murders and detailed land allotments, which is basically what the entire Old Testament is if you really get down to it. Get ready to break down the walls and Be Courageous, because we've got some neck-steppin' to do! It's the podcast that you can still hear, even to this day.

Topics of Discussion: A quarantine update, confusing t-shirts, the Nine Worthies, a time before VeggieTales, Rahab vs Rahab, the Four Most Beautiful Women in the World, JeriShow, the Battle of Ai (Ai Ai Ai), a clutch reference from the HCSB, a joke that made my wife just FURIOUS, Dan's inheritance, the source of the vast majority of modern Christian wall art, politics!

Hymnal "Break The Walls Down (Chris Jericho)" by Jim Johnston, "Run Away With Me" by Sunny Choi (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCppVe5NioL7fAHEflYGeYgA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Mark 12:40.

One half of your humble Sons of Thunder is joining you from real-for-real quarantine, dear Theophiloi, but that won't stop us from griping our way through our first canonical New Testament book of this calendar year. What might stop us is Mr. Paul in prime form, declaring himself to know more about Jesus than anyone on Earth or in Heaven, but we try to get through it in an episode that could perhaps best be described as "adversarial." On the other hand, we do find out that the Bible says gender is fake.

Topics of discussion: Benito in quarantine (Quarantenito), angels v saints, Murder Bears Moonshine and Mayhem, the Circumcision Party, that meme with Hannibal Buress, a Christlike attitude towards metaphors, the many problems associated with a too-tight foreskin, fruit of the spirit.

Hymnal: "Do Just What I Say" by the Woggles, "Fernando" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3HfDh6zydM7Im4alq282hA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17.

If you seek birthdays, Theophiloi, prepare for war — the War Scroll, that is! As we celebrate the Approximate Week between our two personal nativities, we dive into the Dead Sea Scrolls for the first time to find out all about the best of seven series between the Sons of Light and the Sons of Darkness. Please note that these Sons of Light are not, like, half-angels or whatever, but they do write some extremely dope things on their swords.

Topics of Discussion: Hobby Lobby being duped into becoming a literal Indiana Jones villain, Zydeco: the music of the Saducees, Alexander the Great, trumpets of ambush, trumpets of skambush, the strange acronyms of Forged In Fire Knife Expert Doug Marcaida, eternal slaughter, Dwayne "Cephas" Johnson.

Hymnal: "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes, "Seven Nation Army" by the Hungarian Coverist ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkHR1ZZ1bsYNkFBv1qkjQ1A )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17.

Having trouble sleeping, Theophiloi? Well here's an evangelion for you: this episode covers a letter written by the most boring person to ever cover a miracle. Get ready for intense table measurements, detailed MapQuest directions to Judea circa 250 BCE, and some day one philosophy class nonsense. It's the thrilling story of the Septuagint and the curse upon those who would alter it, which is mentioned maybe once in a document that is roughly eight thousand pages long.

Topics of Discussion: the sexy and sad holidays in the month of Av, the Screechowlnado, the Screechnado, Aristeas: Boring Threat or Lying Menace?, the exact number of books that existed 2,200 years ago, sexy ducks, Δεεζ and βοφα, the Sep2agint, Jesi, some dubious information about how weasels get down, some more dubious information about dealing with night terrors.

Hymnal: "Brick By Boring Brick" by Paramore , "Sandstorm" by Jonny Music ( https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel/featured )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17.

(Note: an earlier version of this episode had a Problematic Theme Song. Thanks for letting us know!)

Under normal circumstances, Theophiloi, ladytype saints tend to become so by not having any adult fun at all and then calling Jesus lightning down on man-eating seals or exploding and teleporting their way out of a tower. For Episode Nice, however, we're covering two women who took things in the opposite direction by having all the adult fun they possibly could and then chilling out once they were finished. Believe it or not, they have way more agency in their stories than you might expect, even if the events are related by a couple of boring monks. No, not us, the weirdos who wrote this stuff down back in King Arthur times.

Topics of discussion: St. Swithin's Day and (sigh) the weather, VI/IX (iucundum), Mary Magadalene: 1st Century Space Kook, Marvin of Antioch, the All-Might of suffering in the desert, the mortification of the Desert Father Spike, a very judgy use of force field technology, a better show called Apocrypals, a not-so-clean joke that made Benito laugh so hard I had to cut out a coughing fit, some stuff about Doctor Who that I almost cut out because I just do not care.

Hymnal: "Baker Street" by Gerry Rafferty, "Trap City Mass Choir Part II" by Kevin Johnson Jr. (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBjLwXQgI0O-3JqaRqn9ccQ)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

Welcome to your Not-So-Dirty Thirties, Theophiloi! For as it is written, in the New Jerusalem, we will all be at the age where it's time to start thinking about getting an IRA, and realizing that we can't stay up drinking like we used to do... forever. This is one of the many strange things we learn in our set of three dubiously Johannine Apocalypses brought to us by New Testament Apocrypha Vol. 2, brought to us by translators Rick Brannan, Rebecca Draughon, Jeannie Sellick, Janet E. Spittler, Chance E. Bonar, Tony Burke, and Slavomir Čéplö. Join us as we learn about the church's many metaphorical body parts and witness a world-shattering kick from an angel. Plus: a truly wonderful etymology.

Topics of Discussion: (Heavy Sigh) the weather, JesusFAQS, a joke for the olds, our Obama-Era Bodies, concerns about Benjamin Harrison's corpse, candles (to smell), blue scents, seals (the boring kind), vegetable-based signs of Armageddon, a comprehensive physical description of the Antichrist, the Regulation of John, a large rock and a quick debate about terminal velocity, the Seven-Mouthed Pit of Punishment, Lord Fallsworth, Lord Fairfax, Righteous John and Just John, candles (to eat).

Hymnal: "River Deep, Mountain High" by Tina Turner, "Edge of Glory," by Jonatas Andrade (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf7gfrO6HfG8d_Ti5fCrchA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out your tongue, and breaking your tablet, like they did with Judas. That's what Bartholomew told us, anyway, and believe it or not, it's nowhere near the weirdest beef in his eponymously apocryphal Book Of. Join us as Death and all his kids get thoroughly dunked on and Mary gets called some uniquely unflattering things that we're pretty sure are supposed to be good. Also, if angels actually are cutting out your tongue, uh, we apologize. Listen anyway.

Topics of discussion: Benito gets raw, a correction of a total scrub mistake, Quebecusses, a Lazy Jesus, a weird bosom, Apa Ananias (he a freak), Death's Alfred, thirty snakes, Whomst Was At The Tombst Part Twost, Pharka Marimath, the begonia virgins, our good new greeting card business idea, Adam and Eve's improbable and incompatible heights, the Mystery Husband, a very good plan for rebuilding the Church via tendies.

Hymnal: "Judas" by Fozzy, "Papparazi" by D.R. Luft ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQNN_yCiQPu7N22ubjw3bHw )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.