Apocrypals

As it is written in the Book of Ecclesiastes, Theophiloi: futility. Utter futility. That's what we get from trying to influence the farce that is Lent Madness to get our pick, St. Dunstan, all the way to the end of that sham of a tournament. In the time between deciding on him and recording this episode, our holy boy is already out, despite doing some real Hellboy stuff to the Devil his own self. Find out more in this week's episode, which is neither farce nor sham! Sometimes!

Topics of Discussion: St. Joseph's Day, the best possible Die Hard sequel, Jacobus de Voragine's strange attitude towards names, a true momacle, a bunch of people with extremely ninth century royalty names that I'm not going to write down, an attempted callout for my need to do occupy myself while I record these pdocasts, animæ, a light bit of lit crit, bad meter.

Hymnal: "Running With The Devil" by Van Halen, "Jump" by BusinessPug (https://youtu.be/X20rr5sA-Ow)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

You know, Theophiloi, my wife, she's a really big fan of these saints these days, so I was wondering if you could help me out here. I've been trying to get through the life of of St. Columba, but there's just a couple things I don't understand. See, this thing, I've been going through it, and it's 87 pages long, and I just can't seem to figure out why a podcaster would choose such a long document to read for a show about Ireland's third most popular saint. It just seemed a little peculiar is all. I thought maybe he'd want to read something that didn't start off with a bunch of prophecies about dinner guests that only got around to sea monsters and such until about halfway through. [Benito (Robert Culp) nervously adjusts his tie and offers an explanation.] Ah, of course sir, that explains it, thank you, I'll leave you to your books there, I appreciate the time.

Oh, just one more thing: if that was the story of a saint fighting the Loch Ness Monster, then why was it only two paragraphs?

Topics of Discussion: A brief sojourn into the life of Philip of Macedon's favorite son, the farce that is Lent Madness, an FHO joke for all the Toddheads out there, Oingus, miracles of dubious intent, a two-hander of a blessing, Cronan of Munstermen, Deathrib (Kilmore), a dirty puddle, milk miracles, THE ABSOLUTE WORST WIZARD BATTLE THAT I ALMOST HAD TO CUT OUT CAUSE IT'S NASTY, Manus Dextera, a lengthy diversion about "Lethal" Larry Hama.

Hymnal: "When Doves Cry" by Prince, "Fountain of Dreams" by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

We have had some points of contention, Theophiloi, but up to this point, it's mostly been about Benito's bizarre and upsetting taste in candy. This time, though, a strong candidate for the worst book we've read so far threatens to tear the show apart as a genuine undercurrent of resentment flows over how boring the second half of Jubilees is. Don't let that stop you from listening to the show, though! We promise there are some good jokes in here somewhere!

Topics of discussion: burrito distractions, Carman RIP, flaming desserts and Jubilees of various types, Reverse Benjamin Button Disease, Perversity Enmity and Room, Benito making a joke that makes me legit furious, Warp Whistling past some rough stuff, Foghorn Lord of Dreams, Jahziel, some Tony Hawk jokes I should've kept in my back pocket.

Hymnal: "Holy Calamity by Handsome Boy Modeling School, "Guile's Theme" by Sonya Belousova (https://www.youtube.com/c/playerpiano/)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

As you are well aware, Theophiloi, the Book of Genesis is the foundational text of not only multiple major religions, but arguably most of Western literature in general. That said, we can all agree that there's at least one major flaw: it does not contain as many half-angel cannibal giants as any of us would like. Fortunately, we have the Book of Mega Drive here to help out by adding an entirely new villain and glossing over some of the more important things of which you might've heard. #ReleaseTheJubileesCut!

Topics of discussion: A complete bonus hagiography of St. Valentine, Anno Mundi vs. Antemeridian, Midrashic Impulse, wisdom and prudence, the watchaaaaahhhs, God forgetting about sharks and bears, Noah getting cold smoked out with the Lord, a Diamond Dave drop that gets Benito for a full thirty seconds, the true nature of demons.

Hymnal: "One-Winged Angel" by Nobuo Uematsu, "One-Winged Angel" by Grissini Project (https://www.youtube.com/c/GrissiniProject1/featured)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that Mr. Paul is at it again, Theophiloi... maybe. In this episode, your humble Sons of Thunder dive into Ephesians, a brief slice of Bible that is relatively (RELATIVELY) chill, to the point where there's doubt over whether the New Testament's grumpiest boy actually wrote it. Don't worry, though: there's still plenty to get mad at. It's the best and worst of our least favorite first-century saint!

Topics of discussion: Joe Biden's large adult Bible, 30 Coins, the Feast of the Ass (A REAL THING), In The Appalachian Footsteps of Paul, the Prince of the Power of the Air, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it humblebrag about Bible translations, Chris's called shot for a great joke, actively heckling the Apostle Paul, an F.H.O. reference to the other JC, the three great works of the Western canon, Rando.

Hymnal: "The Imposter" by Elvis Costello and the Attractions, "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

CONTENT WARNING: The text covered in this episode contains a scene of sexual assault, discussed starting at 1:38:00.

Happy Gentile New Year, Theophiloi! Like Merle Haggard, we have made it through December, and we're treating ourselves to what is probably the rawest book in Bible — which unfortunately includes what Luke T. Harrington has called the most depraved passage in the whole book. What better to greet 2021 than with that sort of up-and-down rollercoaster ride of history? Samson! Jael! Gideon! Do you dare gaze into the fists of THESE Judges?

Topics of Discussion: Christmas presents from listeners, the difficulty of Medieval artists in depicting literally any animal, our new Discord server, the usefulness of thumbs, Jebus, worshipping the Baals, a truly humiliating death scene, the etymology of "cowpoke," the Bible scene that almost passes the Bechdel Test, Gideon, a sexy (???) fig tree, BNRA, the first Spring Break, the Texan Shibboleth, structural liontegrity.

Hymnal: "Pretty Savage" by BLACKPINK, "Gouge Away" by Jammin' on the Ivories (https://www.youtube.com/c/HipHopPiano/)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! We've wrapped up the show for the year, but before we get to these last few days of kicking back with a nice hot chocolate and a cup of coffee for St. Lucy, we're inviting you to join us for our Christmastime gift exchange. Plus: a very, very short apocryphal text about Baby Jesus bustin' up rocks!

Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! It's our favorite time of the year, and that means we're once again reading the story about how an angel came down to herald the birth of a child whose divine nature would be revealed by a dove, and who would gather a group of followers and perform many wondrous miracles: the Blessed Voltron Mary. Yeah, apparently the whole "be not afraid" stuff happened to her first, but don't worry. Jesus gets his own unique adventures in taming lions, sittin' on a sunbeam, and being worshipped by straight up literal dragons in this, the wildest and least canonical infancy gospel of all. It's the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, courtesy of Brandon W. Hawk and the Early Christian Apocrypha series!

Topics of discussion: A rabbinical endorsement of our mozzarella stick tradition from The RaDR, a lifetime supply of pencils, Kayfabe Matthew, the relatability of Mary, the delight of the afternoon in Bethlehem, the hideous dogs of antiquity, Robert Animacorpus, the Starbucks in Nazareth, the angels Grubhubiel and Doordashiel, Mary's Womanly Experience, buying makeup at Tasepiphorus, the eternal reward for trees and cars, Jesus got ups, the worst thing I have ever read in my life.

Hymnal: "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love, "Donner and Blitzen" by Rob Halford.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

Chag samaeach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah time once again, and for 5781, we're diving back into the dynasty of God's resisters with MACCABEES — and this time, it's about family. Join us as we go through some truly grotesque and graphic descriptions of torture in what is essentially Green Eggs & Ham meets Hostel. It's... maybe not the best way to celebrate a gift-giving holiday, but, well, we didn't write it. Also: Olive Garden, stop reading. Applebee's.... hello.

Topics of Discussion: the pandemic vs the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (which was actually quite good), Benito's trip to the hospital, a series of jokes to remind you of exactly where we grew up, a balanced evaluation of Seneca the Younger, "Jews" vs. "Hebrews" in South Carolina, angel horses, catapults, the dopest last words of all time, the gross and grisly death of Antiochus, a review of our SJW politics.

Hymnal: "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr., "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Organ4Everyone (https://www.youtube.com/c/Organ4everyone/featured)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

Advent continues apace, Theophiloi, and we're celebrating with two of the most famous and popular lady saints, St. Barbara and St. Catherine! Babs and Cathy are here to visit total ruination upon the devil (who, sadly, does not actually appear in these stories) using explosions of various sizes. I'm not gonna lie, it gets a little grim, but c'mon. You know how most saints became saints by now, right?

Topics of discussion: Quibbling with Martinmas, Advent Saint Tradition Power Rankings, the Tetrarchy, the long tradition of Catha Fabula, the disappointment of Porphyrius, briefly listing the cast of Hades (2020), the benefits of doing things with incontinence, horrible things described like Looney Tunes.

Hymnal: "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" by Limp Bizkit, "Hey Ya" by the Jakob Singers (https://www.youtube.com/user/jakobsingers/featured)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.