Apocrypals

Welcome back, Theophiloi, to the truly disconcerting rantings of the hair-throwing, scroll-eating mad lad himself, Ezekiel! In this episode, we go to extremes, as Ezekiel offers up the most brütal horror movie prophecies for the iniquitous nations, and then takes a hard right turn into intensely specific blueprints for his visionary construction project. If you've ever wanted to know how prophets make their money, this is the episode that reveals all.

Topics of discussion: Lent Creep, the Florence Y'alls, God's vengeance on Jerry "The King" Lawler, that one Bass Pro Shop, Maximum Carnage, Chambers (the second Negan), the Biblical prophecies of Super Mario Bros. 3, this extremely dope Spider-Man page, Ezekiel's #sponsored #content.

Hymnal: "Spooky Scary Skeletons Remix" by The Living Tombstone; "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals.

Let me ask you a question, Theophiloi: why prophets so nasty? In this episode, we put our treasured No Cusses rule in the greatest danger as we dive into the violent and upsettingly horny visions of Ezekiel, last of the major prophets. This absolute scroll-eating mad lad has a whole list of unsavory activities and breads that he wants to tell you about in detail. Don't listen to this one with your mom.

Topics of discussion: The Greenlit Podcast Network, Aquaman: King of the Party Animals, physical descriptions of the Lord, Bible Arepas, the secret ingredient of Ezekiel Bread, Jaazaniah, Son of Shaphan, magic bands, beebos.

Hymnal: "Miserlou" by Dick Dale

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals.

Merry Christmas, Theophiloi! It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we gather to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which subsequently led to several horrible crimes that terrorized his hometown for years. Plus: our actual last-minute holiday gift guide!

Topics of discussion: Benito's trip to Germany, the nature of Christkindl, Christmas Prince power rankings, the Karen and Georgia of a far less successful podcast, a Christmas present from the Canonipal, the Vampire Season and the Werewolf Season, Thomas: Superboy or fan-fiction?, shrivelin' a boy, Chris's experiences being jiu-jitsu'd by a #teen, unwitherin' a boy, Zeno falling off the roof, the Miracle of the Towels, Joseph: the Clown of Carpentry, the return of explosions, The Harrowing of Hell (c. 1600), Glenn Danzig's book collection.

Hymnal: "Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas" by Eels

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals. The Lord, after all, loves a cheerful giver.

Happy Hanukkah, Theophiloi, and welcome back to the action-packed saga of the Dynasty of God's Resisters! Ptolemy (not that one, the one who loves daddy) is causing some trouble in Alexandria, and by trouble, we mean a mass execution via 500 drunk elephants. This book rules. Plus: our hopefully not offensive suggestions for new Hanukkah traditions! Will Judith bring you a fancy pen on her way to her next beheading? We hope so!

Topics of discussion: Dreidel single player campaign mode, particles, Lebanon-3, an insignificant person, friends vs. Friends, the Miracle of the Stationery, Hermon: Keeper of the Elephants, questions for elephant scientists, frightful devices, a definitive numerical power level for God, das0l0m0nz0ne.

Hymnal: "Pink Elephants on Parade" by Mel Blanc, Thurl Ravenscroft, and the Sportsmen

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals. The Lord, after all, loves a cheerful giver.

CONTENT WARNING: This week's book deals with some pretty depressing ideas, which leads us to discuss depression and, briefly, suicide.

Absolute futility, Theophiloi. That's what we're dealing with this week as we dive into the dark horse candidate for our favorite book of Bible so far: Solomon/Koholet's extremely grim treatise on depression and why the living should envy the dead. It's a lot more lighthearted than it sounds, we promise. Plus: the Bible verse probably written by a horrible goose.

Topics of discussion: A Big Mood, Sukkot, TikToK user MorganDrinksCoffee, Martinmas, totally harmless vapor, vanitas, a comprehensive list of every new thing from the past 2500 years, King Solomon's Pokémon, two more contenders for Bible Tattoo, how Chris's dad pulled off the ultimate dirtbag bass player move, the Biblical source of Gen Z's favorite insult, a suspect acronym, live dogs vs. dead lions, wall snakes, bones,

Hymnal: "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals

It's the spookiest day of the year, TheAWFULoi, and your humble Sons of ThUNDEAD are back at it with a deep dive into our least canonical selection: the evangelizing comic book tracts of Jack T. Chick. Join us as we discuss the dubious, hateful, and distressingly widely read stories that are designed to drag you kicking and screaming into a very specific version of salvation on this, the Devil's Birthday. Haw haw haw!

Topics of discussion: Halloween plans, Bible costumes, the EC/JTC horseshoe, an extended list of people and things Jack Chick thought were evil and/or caused by Catholicism, the Death Cookie, Dark Dungeons, The Little Princess, Boo, Spooky, a contractually obligated mention of "Witch's Invitation," The Trick, the secret Robert Kirkman DOESN'T want you to know, Falcon 7, this weird thing where JTC just straight up does not like the Baby Jesus, Forever Knight, Devil's Night, Blasphemous (the video game).

Hymnal: "Chick Habit" by April March

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

It's our 50th episode, Theophiloi, and that means it's time to get Apocalyptic! Join us as we embark on an extra-sized episode covering the fever dreams of Johnny Patmo. Witness the opening of the Seven Seals, hear the sounding of seven trumpets, and debate over we are currently pre-apocalyptic, apocalyptic, post-apocalyptic, or post-post-apocalyptic. It's not as depressing as it sounds! Listen and be astonished!

Topics of discussion: Shofar show good, Rosh Hashanah, Michaelmas, lookin' at a duck, what the Devil did to blackberries, Shamrock Shakes in the New Jerusalem, The Chad Jesus, Ninjesus, Genjesus, Kickinradism, Jezebel, the prophecy of the Good Green Elf, Stone Lukewarm Laodicea Austin, God's Pride Flag, a very loose definition of "lion," IV Horsemen, that guy who snuck onto Sentinel Island, Abaddon: a bad'un, Gematria, 666 vs. 616, blasphemous nouns, Nero Redivivus and the Reign of the Nerii, David Lo Pan, Johnny Revelator Cash.

Hymnal: "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden, "The Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

Brace yourselves, Theophiloi, because this episode is a Triple-Epistle! (Tripistle?) Your humble Sons of Thunder are taking on not one, not two, but all three of the extremely short Johannine Epistles, in which we discover that a dude who once offered to burn down an entire city for Jesus, was actually way more chill than Mr. Paul. Quelle surprise. Plus: two solid minutes of us laughing at our own jokes about Ninja Warrior.

Topics of discussion: the weirdest places we've ever been witnessed to, Big Youth Pastor Energy, AO3's new motto, the antichrist, the Luigi of Jesus, James the Just's Mansion, Children of the Devil, Phantasm V: JesVs, Cerenthus, the Johannine Comma, Diotrephes.

Hymnal: "The Lust, The Flesh, The Eyes and The Pride Of Life," by the 77s

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

Spoiler warning, Theophiloi, but it turns out that the Book of Lamentations is, in fact, actually a straight up book just full of lamentations. Jeremiah is back and surprisingly less wordy, so join us as we try to goof our way through this very depressing book about God putting hard times on Jerusalem circa 586 BCE. Plus: the complete New Testament Rap!

Topics of discussion: A very confrontational installment of the Correctional Confessional, Gotta Get That Good Newt™, ranking the Seven Species, IIIsaiah, Tisha B'Av, the saddest food, a very bad joke from Benito, the invention of the slow clap, donkey centaurs, what is an ostrich and can you eat it, a very good joke from Benito, a mystery bird.

You're invited to the holiest eight nights of the Apocrypals calendar, dear Theophiloi! It's Approximate Week, aka our mutual birthday! if you're looking for a gift, we have a recommendation for you: how about a nice cold glass of Messiah Boy Bath Water? Join us as we celebrate with another buck wild Infancy Gospel, in which the Son of Man deals with naked women throwing rocks in cemeteries, an eligible bachelor who is temporarily endonkeyed, and his Earth-dad's lack of carpentry skills. It's everything you need for a great party!

Topics of discussion: Birthdays and presents, the King of Kings of Queens, Joshua bar Josef's Bizarre Adventure, the life and death of Alexander the Great, Mary: The King of Women, a regrettably extended discussion of the Holy Prepuce, the five times Jesus bled, Karl der Große, the ado about this mule, the Harold Allnut of Bible, Dumachus, a portal to the live coal dimension, throne building tips.

Hymnal: "Baby Boy" by Beyoncé

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.