Matthew Fray considered himself a good guy. He didn’t lie. He didn’t cheat. He wasn’t violent.

But his wife didn’t trust him, and the marriage ended in 2013.

What subtle cues did Matthew miss? What led his ex to believe she couldn’t count on him?

Today, Matthew is a relationship coach and writer who leans on the lessons of his failed marriage to help others avoid making the same mistakes he did.

His work has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and The Atlantic, among many other media outlets.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Matthew joins Katherine to discuss his book, This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships.

Matthew shares the mistakes he made in his own marriage, explaining why conversations broke down any time he disagreed with his ex’s thoughts or feelings.

Listen in for insight on what it means to be trustworthy in a relationship and learn how to honor your partner’s experience when they ask for help or tell you something’s wrong.

Topics Covered

How journaling to understand his divorce led Matthew to write This Is How Your Marriage Ends

Why conversations broke down any time Matthew’s disagreed with his ex-wife’s thoughts or feelings

Why it’s crucial to allow your partner the dignity to have their own perspective

How Matthew’s definition of ‘trustworthy’ includes being there when your partner needs you

Why relationships are not sustainable in the absence of trust

How honoring his ex-wife’s experience makes Matthew a more effective coparent

How Matthew made himself the victim every time his ex asked for help or said something was wrong

How failing to consider how your partner experiences you demonstrates a lack of respect

Connect with Matthew Fray

Matthew’s Website:

https://matthewfray.com/

Matthew on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/mbtttr

Matthew on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/matthewfrayMBTTTR/

Matthew on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/frayrelationships/

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246

Email: [email protected]

Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships by Matthew Fray:

https://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Marriage-Ends-Relationships-ebook/dp/B097RPC1SD

‘The Man Who Coaches Husbands on How to Avoid Divorce’ in The New York Times:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/18/parenting/marriage-invisible-labor-coach.html

‘She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink’ on Matthew’s Blog:

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/