Shame is one of the most complex and difficult emotions we experience on a regular basis, and one that can have seriously negative impacts on our sense of self-worth and ability to experience healthy connection with others.

On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson take a deep dive into what shame is, how it develops, and what distinguishes it from guilt and other related emotions. They then focus on questioning our assumptions about shame, which can help us identify where it comes from. 

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:40: The biological roots of shame

4:00: Shame's ties to our assumptions about the world 

7:00: Impropriety, and shame as a psychological stage of development

9:55: Distinguishing shame from guilt

14:00: Unnecessary shame, healthy remorse, and your own integrity system

21:55: Who decides what being good looks like?

25:40: Morality in the service of power

32:20: What helps us work with experiences of shame

38:25: Isolation and the value of sharing with others in some way

43:50: Working with your shame story

49:00: Shame, group belonging, and personal change

51:25: Recap

Rick's Grief and Loss Workshop: We all face losses in life, from separation and disappointment to shocking, even traumatic events. Join Rick August 13 and 14 for 7 hours of LIVE, online teaching focused on learning simple, powerful practices that help us come to terms with them, heal, and find happiness again. Use coupon code BeingWell50 at checkout for an additional $50 off the registration price.

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

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There’s a lot of loss in the world these days, both in our individual lives and in our broader communities, and with those losses comes grief. Grief is one of the most challenging emotions to be with, and it can be difficult to offer generalized advice because everyone's experience of grief is profoundly unique. 

On today’s episode of Being Well, Forrest is joined by one of the world’s leading researchers on grief, Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, to help us better understand grief and grieving. They explore why grief is such a unique and intense emotion, how grief works in the brain, the problems with generalized models like the “five stages of grief,” and how we can learn to live with loss.

About Our Guest: Mary-Frances is a neuroscientist, clinical psychologist, and associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, where she directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress Lab, which investigates the effects of grief on the brain and the body. She’s also the author of the wonderful book The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. 

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction and disclaimer

3:35: Mary-Frances’ personal background

6:55: Distinguishing grief from grieving

9:20: Self-criticism, and the over-focus on recovery

11:20: Grief isn't "something to get over"

13:00: Attachment, and our neurological map

16:00: Prediction error

19:30: Complicated grief

25:00: Spiritual practice, or having a worldview that incorporates death

28:05: Is there a ‘normal’ grieving process?

35:25: Pathology, and normal human experiences

46:00: Neurological overview of grief in the brain

50:40: The Dual Process Model of Grief

54:10: Sometimes distraction is okay

56:15: Therapeutic practices and learning from grief

1:01:00: Grief and its relationship to love

1:03:40: Recap

New Course From Rick! Learn the lessons of a lifetime in the new and improved Foundations of Wellbeing 2.0 program. This yearlong, online program teaches you how to grow the 12 key inner strengths that lead to lasting wellbeing during difficult times. Our New Year's sale is running now, and you can use the code BeingWell25 to get an additional 25% off the purchase price.

Sponsors:

Bombas designed their socks, shirts, and underwear to be the clothes you can’t wait to put on every day. Visit bombas.com/beingwell and use code beingwell for 20% off. 

Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!

Want to sleep better? Try the Calm app! Visit calm.com/beingwell for 40% off a premium subscription.

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One of the most important and challenging skills we can develop is learning to regulate our strong emotions. While it’s very natural to have fluctuations in how we feel about others and ourselves, for some people these ups and downs are particularly intense. At clinical levels, this is known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

BPD is characterized by a pattern of instability in a person’s emotions, moods, behavior, self-image, and relationships. BPD is fairly common, and it's even more common for "borderline-y tendencies" to show up in our lives. On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson explore what to do when these tendencies show up, how to cultivate a healthy balance of sensitivity and tolerance to distress, regulating and nurturing ourselves, and how to navigate relationships with others when they exhibit borderline tendencies.

As a disclaimer, formal diagnosis of any condition should be done with a medical professional working directly with the person in question. This podcast episode is not a substitute for that.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:00: What are "borderline tendencies"?

6:50: 9 Symptoms of BPD

9:10: The what, why, and how of mental health

11:25: Childhood influences on borderline tendencies

15:05: Instability, impulsivity, and the drive for reassurance

25:00: Recognizing varying degrees of borderline patterns

27:00: Practical tips–regulation and nurturance

32:50: Boundaries, and avoiding spiraling

37:50: Acceptance, and the desire for change

40:35: Sensitivity and distress tolerance

45:00: What to do when you notice borderline tendencies in a relationship

51:00: Recognizing how much someone's nature is going to change

53:35: Treatability

54:50: Recap

New Course From Rick! Learn the lessons of a lifetime in the new and improved Foundations of Wellbeing 2.0 program. This yearlong, online program teaches you how to grow the 12 key inner strengths that lead to lasting wellbeing during difficult times. Our New Year's sale is running now, and you can use the code BeingWell25 to get an additional 25% off the purchase price.

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

Bombas designed their socks, shirts, and underwear to be the clothes you can’t wait to put on every day. Visit bombas.com/beingwell and use code beingwell for 20% off. 

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Want to sleep better? Try the Calm app! Visit calm.com/beingwell for 40% off a premium subscription.

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One of the most important skills we can develop is learning how to learn–how to update old beliefs about ourselves, take in new information, and build psychological resources like courage, gratitude, and confidence. We have experiences from which we could potentially learn all the time, but how often are we able to actually implement lasting change from our positive experiences?

On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson dive into Rick’s recently published study on our capacity for deliberate growth. We talk a bit about the neurological components of learning, how the study worked, and what the practical takeaways are to help us make learning stick.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Positive Neuroplasticity Training:  Learn how to change your brain for the better in the 6-part course from Rick his study was based on!  Use code BEWELL50 for $50 off the purchase price.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:55: The focus of Rick’s recently published study on how to learn

4:35: Our capacity for deliberate growth

7:30: How does learning work in the brain?

11:25: Activation and installation

16:00: Acknowledging the difficulty of deliberate change

16:55: The HEAL framework

22:15: How Rick’s study results were measured

30:05: The results of the study

39:10: Possibilities for future studies

42:00: Little moments of recognition

44:05: Takeaways

45:50: Assessing the whole notion of statistical significance

51:05: Control groups and clusters

54:05: Rick reads the final statement from the study.

56:05: Recap 

Wednesday Meditation Group: Join Rick for his freely offered online weekly meditation, talk, and discussion.

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

Bombas designed their socks, shirts, and underwear to be the clothes you can’t wait to put on every day. Visit bombas.com/beingwell and use code beingwell for 20% off. 

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Want to sleep better? Try the Calm app! Visit calm.com/beingwell for 40% off a premium subscription.

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When a child is particularly emotionally intelligent, and a parent is particularly emotionally vulnerable, an inversion of the typical relationship can occur where the child devotes themselves to meeting the parent’s needs rather than the other way around. This can lead the child to lose touch with their own wants and needs – with their authentic self – which then leads to underlying feelings of worthlessness, uncertainty, and self-alienation in adulthood.

Extreme versions of this pattern are known as parentification, but mild to moderate versions are surprisingly common. On today’s episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson explore how we can heal from the effects of these difficult early experiences and rediscover who we truly are. 

This material was completely eye-opening for me, and it’s one of my favorite episodes we've ever produced.

Want to learn more? Check out Alice Miller’s classic book The Drama of the Gifted Child.

Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:55: Distinction between parentification and the gifted child

5:05: Serving a psychological function - what is the “gift” we’re talking about?

7:50: Self-definition vs. defining yourself through relationship

10:30: Examples of generational patterns

16:45: Accumulation of subtle forms of parentification over time

21:55: Patterns of interaction, and differentiation

24:00: Summary of material so far

27:00: “The manic defense against depression”

30:30: What can people do?

35:00: Love, aspiration, and power in parenting styles

40:20: Creating a coherent (and balanced) narrative

43:30: Seductive narratives, grief not shame, claiming your nature

51:25: What emotions were you permitted?

53:35: Recap

Wednesday Meditation Group: Join Rick for his freely offered online weekly meditation, talk, and discussion.

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!

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A little while ago, we had an episode on self-awareness where Rick emphasized how the majority of what people have to become self-aware of is the good inside themselves. The point felt significant enough to expand into a full episode about how to connect with our best parts.

On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson focus on how to accept, appreciate, and connect with our positive aspects, and how to deal with some of the developmental blocks that prevent us from embracing the good in ourselves. We look at how the culture we’re in affects our perspective, how to manage fears of conceit, and how to experience more intimacy and courage by releasing cynicism.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

3:20: What gets in the way of us hearing the good news about ourselves?

5:40: Stories we’re told about ourselves that form our identity
10:45: Reconnecting with childhood positive qualities

17:10: Intentions, talents, efforts

23:25: Avoiding conceit and the fear of sounding conceited

30:40: Releasing ideas that human nature is fundamentally bad

34:25: Tribalism

36:35: Seeing the cultural water we swim in

41:15: Intimacy, cynicism, courage

46:40: Cherishing ourselves and others

47:35: Recap

Wednesday Meditation Group: Join Rick for his freely offered online weekly meditation, talk, and discussion.

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!

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Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is the result of the slow accumulation of many small traumatic experiences over time. On our most popular Being Well episode to date, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson explored the details of CPTSD with Pete Walker, and on today’s episode, Forrest is joined by his partner Elizabeth Ferreira to discuss the topic through a more personal lens. Elizabeth shares her CPTSD origin story, what CPTSD feels like, and how to create a compassionate environment with or without a therapist so you can safely process grief, experience out repressed emotions, and learn to express your needs.

Check out Elizabeth's NEW PODCAST!

About our Guest: Elizabeth is a recent graduate of the Somatic Psychology program at the California Institute of Integral Studies (CIIS), and is currently earning hours toward her MFT license. She creates content on YouTube and Instagram focused on CPTSD, PMDD, and becoming a more whole version of who you are.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:15: Elizabeth’s story

5:20: Trauma in the broader family system

8:40: A “normal” story

11:50: Loneliness, and the parts of us we leave behind

15:00: Repressed emotions

17:10: Adverse childhood experiences

20:35: Stepping out of adverse environments

25:15: Trauma work as grief work

29:10: Symptoms of Complex PTSD

34:50: How do you need to be comforted?

37:30: Creating the sense of safety

40:30: Somatic interventions

45:30: Being witnessed

47:10: Claiming your needs

50:10: Facing the dreaded experience

53:50: Accuracy vs. sensitivity

57:05: Hidden parts

1:00:00: Start by joining

1:04:20: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!

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Try Splendid Spoon today and take meal-planning off your plate. Just go to SplendidSpoon.com/BEINGWELL for $50 off your first box

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You might have heard the line “attachment is the root of suffering.” It comes from the Buddha, but you don’t have to be a Buddhist to recognize that becoming overly attached to a particular outcome, person, or view of yourself can lead to a lot of suffering. At the same time, there are clearly things that are sensible to be attached to – like our loved ones, a basic moral compass, and fundamentals like food and shelter. So, what’s the problem with attachment?

On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson discuss the problem with attachment, what differentiates healthy and unhealthy forms of attachment, and what we can do to relax attachment over time.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:10: Learning from Buddhism without trying to be a Buddhist

8:45: Two kinds of suffering

12:00: Distinguishing healthy desire and unhealthy desire

19:40: Markers of problematic attachments

24:10: Self-concept, and an example from Forrest of relaxing attachment 

30:25: Balancing "Right View" and nonattachment

42:25: Pain and release

50:55: What’s useful for you?

55:45: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!

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Try Splendid Spoon today and take meal-planning off your plate. Just go to SplendidSpoon.com/BEINGWELL for $50 off your first box

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On one of our favorite episodes of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson are joined by author and therapist Terry Real to talk about how to overcome the myth of toxic individualism, break trauma cycles, and experience real intimacy in our relationships.

 They discuss how to balance acceptance and agency, develop a healthy sense of trust and self-esteem, communicate what we want effectively, and experience our power through collaboration rather than dominance. Terry describes how we can move past the delusions of toxic individualism and patriarchy that plague our culture, moving away from ‘me vs. you’ and into Us.

About our Guest: Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and bestselling author. He is the founder of the Relational Life Institute, which offers workshops for couples as well as professional training for clinicians in his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) methodology. His latest book is Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship which comes out June 7th.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:45: Terry’s personal transformation

4:55: Regulating up to our parents

7:05: The Adaptive Child vs. the Wise Adult

14:25: Us vs. the delusions of individualism and patriarchy

18:05: Balancing acceptance and agency

22:45: Enlightened self-interest and working with couples

29:25: Three phases to get more of what you want in relationships without a counselor

33:35: How to support people–particularly women–in dealing with unfairness

37:15: Gendered tendencies–moving into intimacy and out of patriarchy

43:20: Shame and healthy self-esteem

49:40: Relational reckoning and relational integrity

56:55: Repairing trust and grandiosity

1:01:00: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

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Try Splendid Spoon today and take meal-planning off your plate. Just go to SplendidSpoon.com/BEINGWELL for $50 off your first box

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When was the last time you went through a day without comparing yourself to anyone? For instance, by comparing your life to someone else’s highlight reel on social media, or being critical of your own willpower and abilities? Avoiding these mental traps can be difficult in a culture that emphasizes the importance of being 'special.'

Of course, we are all special – and all ordinary. On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson are joined by psychologist and author Dr. Ronald Siegel to discuss why that might not be such a bad thing. They discuss how to drop the myth of the extraordinary, how to heal from feelings of inadequacy, and what healthy self-esteem looks like.

About our Guest: Dr. Siegel is Assistant Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School, international speaker on the topics of mindfulness and compassion, and author of several books including his latest, The Extraordinary Gift of Being Ordinary: Finding Happiness Right Where You Are.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:50: What prompted Ron’s inquiry into being ordinary

7:00: Cultural and evolutionary factors

12:55: Fluctuations in self-esteem based on success and failure

16:40: Social connection as antidote

18:35: What being ordinary looks like

20:45: Three ways to drop the myth of the extraordinary

31:35: Rick’s path to healing his own feelings of inadequacy

38:55: Predispositions to having a sense of worth and value

44:40: Love vs. ‘specialness’

48:40: Reaping the benefits of self-esteem without getting caught in its traps

56:10: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!

Want to sleep better? Try the Calm app! Visit calm.com/beingwell for 40% off a premium subscription.

Try Splendid Spoon today and take meal-planning off your plate. Just go to SplendidSpoon.com/BEINGWELL for $50 off your first box.

Ready to shake up your protein Ritual? Being Well listeners get 10% off during your first 3 months at ritual.com/WELL.

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