On one of our favorite episodes of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson are joined by author and therapist Terry Real to talk about how to overcome the myth of toxic individualism, break trauma cycles, and experience real intimacy in our relationships.

 They discuss how to balance acceptance and agency, develop a healthy sense of trust and self-esteem, communicate what we want effectively, and experience our power through collaboration rather than dominance. Terry describes how we can move past the delusions of toxic individualism and patriarchy that plague our culture, moving away from ‘me vs. you’ and into Us.

About our Guest: Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and bestselling author. He is the founder of the Relational Life Institute, which offers workshops for couples as well as professional training for clinicians in his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) methodology. His latest book is Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship which comes out June 7th.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:45: Terry’s personal transformation

4:55: Regulating up to our parents

7:05: The Adaptive Child vs. the Wise Adult

14:25: Us vs. the delusions of individualism and patriarchy

18:05: Balancing acceptance and agency

22:45: Enlightened self-interest and working with couples

29:25: Three phases to get more of what you want in relationships without a counselor

33:35: How to support people–particularly women–in dealing with unfairness

37:15: Gendered tendencies–moving into intimacy and out of patriarchy

43:20: Shame and healthy self-esteem

49:40: Relational reckoning and relational integrity

56:55: Repairing trust and grandiosity

1:01:00: Recap

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When was the last time you went through a day without comparing yourself to anyone? For instance, by comparing your life to someone else’s highlight reel on social media, or being critical of your own willpower and abilities? Avoiding these mental traps can be difficult in a culture that emphasizes the importance of being 'special.'

Of course, we are all special – and all ordinary. On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson are joined by psychologist and author Dr. Ronald Siegel to discuss why that might not be such a bad thing. They discuss how to drop the myth of the extraordinary, how to heal from feelings of inadequacy, and what healthy self-esteem looks like.

About our Guest: Dr. Siegel is Assistant Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School, international speaker on the topics of mindfulness and compassion, and author of several books including his latest, The Extraordinary Gift of Being Ordinary: Finding Happiness Right Where You Are.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:50: What prompted Ron’s inquiry into being ordinary

7:00: Cultural and evolutionary factors

12:55: Fluctuations in self-esteem based on success and failure

16:40: Social connection as antidote

18:35: What being ordinary looks like

20:45: Three ways to drop the myth of the extraordinary

31:35: Rick’s path to healing his own feelings of inadequacy

38:55: Predispositions to having a sense of worth and value

44:40: Love vs. ‘specialness’

48:40: Reaping the benefits of self-esteem without getting caught in its traps

56:10: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

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Anger is one of the most complex, demanding, and difficult emotions we deal with on a regular basis, in part because it has both many costs and many uses. It burdens our bodies, relationships, and the world around us. And at the same time, there is a vital energy associated with anger that is extremely powerful and, when harnessed effectively, quite useful.

On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson explore the varied ways anger surfaces, how we can relate to it, and how in recognizing what it has to tell us we can channel its energy towards good ends.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:10: Framing anger relative to other emotions

6:15: The three poisons

12:20: Useful aspects of anger and issues with labeling it as bad

22:45: Repression and not downregulating others’ emotions

28:30: Treating anger with respect rather than fear

30:15: What supports us in healthily claiming anger?

38:00: Characteristics that can predispose people to be angry

39:40: The Empty Boat and recognizing anger as an affliction against onesself

43:10: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

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Email: [email protected] to submit questions or potential topics you'd like us to explore in future episodes.

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Self-awareness is both one of the most important skills for a person to have, and one of the most challenging to develop. In this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson explore what it takes to increase self-awareness over time, the different forms of awareness that come into play, and why maintaining self-awareness can be such a struggle. Rick then emphasizes how we can develop a greater awareness of the positive aspects of ourselves. 

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:45: Rick’s observations of people’s self-awareness when beginning therapy 

6:10: Distinguishing internal and external self-awareness

7:40: Different types of internal self-awareness

12:20: Why is it hard to become self-aware?

18:45: Positive discoveries and Forrest’s personal experience

29:05: The natural movement toward health and sanity

33:35: What causes us to lose touch with positive aspects of our nature?

42:45: How can we cultivate more self-awareness over time?

49:45: Questions to ask yourself

54:50: A creative exercise for mapping out parts of yourself

58:10: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Have a question for us? 

Email: [email protected] to submit questions or potential topics you'd like us to explore in future episodes.

Sponsors:

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Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson open up the mailbag to explore a variety of listener questions. They talk about what causes our brains to become attached to unwanted habits, how to know which of your thoughts are worth listening to, and the pros and cons of saying "kind of." They then consider how to improve sibling relationships, and what to do with the positive emotions we experience during meditation.

Have a question for us? Email: [email protected] to submit questions or topics you'd like us to explore in future episodes.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:45: Why do our brains keep us stuck on unwanted patterns or ways of thinking?

10:45: Three kinds of craving and the machinery of becoming

13:50: Why do we say “kind of” all the time?

25:50: How do you know which of your thoughts are worth listening to?

31:15: How do you improve a sibling relationship?

40:35: What do you do with positive emotions during meditation?

48:40: Recap

Wednesday Night Meditation with Rick: https://www.rickhanson.net/teaching/wednesday-meditations-with-dr-rick-hanson/

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Sponsors:

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We all have things we want to accomplish in life, but having goals or knowing we should be doing something is often not nearly enough to get us to actually sustain our efforts in getting where we want to go.

Today on Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson explore how to optimize our motivation. They discuss the brain's dopamine system, and distinguish motivation from discipline and liking from wanting. They then explore how we can align the brain's underlying biological circuitry with our desires, so we can stay relaxed and engaged while achieving our goals.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:05: Motivation vs. Discipline

5:30: Why don't we just want the things we know are good for us?

11:00: Creating unity between our biology and cognitive processing

15:50: Dopamine: An Overview

21:30: Distinguishing liking from wanting

25:35: Natural variations in dopamine metabolism

28:55: How people with lower levels of dopamine can stay motivated

33:35: Updating the reward value of your experiences

37:20: Being, doing, and having

43:05: What has helped Rick stay diligent and let go of resistance

46:40: Practical how-tos for interacting with the dopaminergic system 

50:35: Letting fish be fish

52:30: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

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With so much suffering going on in the world that’s worthy of our compassion and engagement, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by it even as we have the desire to remain engaged. Secondary traumatic stress is the stress we are exposed to when we interact with other people’s stress, and it manifests at both an individual and societal level. When not managed effectively, it wears us down and diminishes our ability to contribute in a positive way.

On this episode of Being Well, Forrest talks with trauma expert Laura van Dernoot Lipsy about how we can better manage secondary traumatic stress, how to avoid burnout and overwhelm, and what it looks like to stay hopeful and live fully in the face of daunting societal challenges.

About Our Guest: Laura van Dernoot Lipsky is the founder and director of The Trauma Stewardship Institute and author of Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others and The Age of Overwhelm. She is a widely recognized pioneer in the field of trauma exposure and has worked locally, nationally, and internationally for more than three decades.  Laura is also the host of Future Tripping, a podcast about navigating overwhelm.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:35: Laura’s personal experience

4:10: How secondary trauma shows up for people

6:45: Martyrdom and the responsibility of organizations to create sustainable environments

10:30: Concern with how trauma is normalized within communities

14:10: Internalized oppression and overwhelm in the broader culture

17:40: The broader systemic context and the ineffectiveness of burning yourself out

21:50: The necessity of taking breaks

26:40: How to feel okay taking time to unplug from discourse on charged topics

33:35: Differentiating between spheres of control and acknowledging grief

37:45: Finding ways to stay hopeful

40:35: What Laura is grateful for and stressed about

44:35: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Have a question for us? 

Email: [email protected] to submit questions or potential topics you'd like us to explore in future episodes.

Sponsors:

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It’s normal and healthy for us to try to process our experiences emotionally, but sometimes during that process we find ourselves getting stuck on the same painful memory, anxiety, or disturbing thought. This frustrating experience, known as rumination, is a common psychological challenge that is both discouraging and unhelpful.

On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson spell out what rumination is, where it comes from, and how it functions in the brain. They then explore what practices and strategies we can use to identify rumination when it comes up, and move through an obsessive thought compassionately and effectively.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:25: How do we define rumination?

7:45: What do we get out of rumination?

13:30: Distinguishing rumination from grieving

16:30: Where rumination comes from in people

18:40: The default mode network

22:30: Ways to disengage the default mode network 

25:50: Strange attractors, Krishna, and the Gopis

30:35: Thought acceptance and noting

33:15: Recurring themes of your rumination

37:10: Novelty

38:45: Self-constructing invites rumination, self-acceptance undermines it

47:05: A quick walkthrough for dealing with a negative thought

53:00: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Have a question for us? 

Email: [email protected] to submit questions or potential topics you'd like us to explore in future episodes.

Sponsors:

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We’ve spent a lot of time on the podcast exploring how we can improve our skills in romantic relationships, but for many people one of the most difficult parts of a relationship is getting into one in the first place. 

On this episode, Forrest talks with Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, about the psychology of dating. They explore chemistry, romance, apps, and how to reframe our self-limiting tendencies so we can find love that is fulfilling and brings out the best in us.

About our Guest: Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and the author of  How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. She is the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, and former head of Google’s behavioral science team the Irrational Lab.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction  

1:40: Why is modern dating so hard?

4:15: Romanticism

6:20: Being in a relationship for self-actualization

8:25: Romanticizers, Maximizers, and Hesitators

11:15: Reframes for the Romanticizer

14:20: What kind of shared qualities actually matter?

19:25: Reframes for the Maximizer

26:35: The tendency to externalize problems and avoid vulnerability

32:25: Reframes for the Hesitator

36:50: Information vs. emotion - appreciation for romance

41:05: Bids, and turning towards

43:05: What other things do people tend to underestimate in relationships?

47:20: The aspect of you that is brought out by your partner

48:45: How to use apps in more effective ways

51:00: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Have a question for us? 

Email: [email protected] to submit questions or potential topics you'd like us to explore in future episodes.

Sponsors:

Visit Pendulumlife.com and use code BEINGWELL for 20% off your first month of membership.

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Want to sleep better? Try the Calm app! Visit calm.com/beingwell for 40% off a premium subscription.

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On this episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson take a deep dive into defining stress, how it functions, how it impacts our lives and bodies, and what we can do to repair from its effects. 

We discuss how to distinguish stress from effort, the influence of the modern world on how stressed we feel, the various biological mechanisms involved in stress, and the challenges presented by chronic exposure to it. We then consider what we can do to increase resilience, including positively responding to stressors even in the midst of limitations and uncertainty.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:50: What is stress exactly?

3:30: Distinguishing stress from effort

7:25: Circles of concern and what we can actually influence

10:15: Zebras, and different levels of allostatic load

15:30: How the Endocrine System and Nervous System respond to stress

21:45: The amygdala response

23:20: What are the costs of stress?

35:30: The story so far

36:25: How do we positively adapt to stress?

41:35: The influence of basic lifestyle factors

43:50: Questions to ask yourself

45:30: Claiming agency while accepting limitations and uncertainty

51:05: What we can do to repair from the effects of our stress

57:40: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors:

Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!

Want to sleep better? Try the Calm app! Visit calm.com/beingwell for 40% off a premium subscription.

Try Splendid Spoon today and take meal-planning off your plate. Just go to SplendidSpoon.com/BEINGWELL for $50 off your first box

Discover your full genetic potential by uploading your existing DNA test results at genomelink.io. No trial period, no credit card, and no hidden fees!

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