At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I've been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I'm so glad to be back!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #123:

• At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls "emotional ICU." This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU.
• If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to.
• Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren't that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence.
• When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world.

Highlights from Episode #123:

• Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39]
• Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51]
• Let's talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54]
• Why should we embrace the fact that it's okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23]
• Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37]
• We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01]
• Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20]
• We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09]
• Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information

Lately, I've been focusing on the theme of "return to you." And getting caught up in the belief that what other people do is about you can get in the way of returning to, or knowing, yourself. So I'd like to dedicate this episode to exploring the fact that what other people do is in fact about them, not you. If that idea sounds counterintuitive or hard to believe, I hope this episode will help explain why I believe so strongly that it's true.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #122:

• While the title is just about what other people do, this also applies to what other people think, say, or feel. All of this is completely about them.
• Most of us struggle with understanding that it's not about us—especially if the other person claims that it is.
• If you get this wrong and think that these things are about you, you'll probably try to change. But this doesn't work, no matter how much you try to twist or morph yourself into somebody else.

Highlights from Episode #122:

• Welcome to today's episode, which is all about the fact that what other people do is all about them. [00:39]
• Vicki talks about the struggle of believing that it's about us, not the other person. She then shares examples to explain how this relates to boundaries. [02:41]
• We hear about a presentation that Vicki gave, and why she doesn't believe in rejection. [06:22]
• Why is all of this so important? [09:26]
• Another danger of believing that it is about you is that you're saying that you're essentially a god or goddess, Vicki points out. [12:12]
• Vicki explains that this concept is at the root of a lot of challenges and misunderstandings about boundaries. [15:03]
• In case you missed the previous announcements, Vicki has brand new monthly boundaries clarifier workshops! [17:25]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki's monthly boundaries clarifier workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

Sooner or later, every single one of us will feel manipulated by someone. That's why this episode is for you, even if you don't specifically have a grandmother who's pushing your limits. Today I'll cover some strategies to help you find solutions in these situations. One point that I can't emphasize enough is how important it is to focus on what you want, instead of what you don't like. Tune in to learn more, so you'll be prepared next time you're feeling manipulated.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #121:

• When you're focusing on something you don't want, it's vital to know what you do want instead. Many of us struggle with developing this skill, but it's definitely worth practicing. Just thinking about the solution can actually help you feel better!
• It's helpful to start by viewing what you're thinking (or making up) as a possibility, rather than the absolute Truth.
• No one has the power to make you do anything. You are in control of what you do, say, and think. When you approach interactions with this knowledge and a plan for how to respond, you'll be better prepared in any situation.

Highlights from Episode #121:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to today's episode, and mentions her upcoming live monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops starting Tuesday, February 23, 2021. [00:39]
• We hear the listener question that inspired this episode. [03:32]
• Does Vicki think that the listener is being controlling? [04:50]
• Vicki digs further into the scenario around the question that inspired today's episode, which relates to the listening boundary. [08:23]
• Vicki shares a specific example of how her advice can apply in this situation. She also points out the difference between a statement and an invitation. [11:40]
• We learn about one of the potential solutions to this situation, and why it can be a trap. [14:39]
• Why not just make a request that the grandmother to go through the listener to spend time with her daughter? Vicki explains why this may not be the best option. [18:21]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki's monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

In case you missed it last time, I have an exciting announcement! Next month (February 2021), I'll be starting a brand new event: a monthly live, interactive boundary clarifier workshop. Sign up here to be the first to get updates!

If someone is doing something that you don't like in any of your relationships, this episode is for you. You may remember Episode 71, when I talked about the man cave. In response to that episode, I got a fascinating listener question, and that's what I'll be addressing today. And while your situation may not be exactly the same as the listener's, I think you'll find something to relate to in her question and my answer.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #120:

• Even during the pandemic, today's topic is still relevant. You can miss someone and feel lonely even when you're together—for example, if your partner is glued to their phone all the time.
• When we're experiencing something unpleasant with another person, we tend to focus on the unpleasant experience or the other person's behavior. But the only place to start is to return to yourself instead of focusing on the other person.
• With an outside-in focus, you're focused on your partner, someone else, or something happening to you. Problematically, this means the only solution is to get the other person to change. On the other hand, an inside-out focus starts with you.
• You must start building the capacity to see when you're getting what you want. This isn't as simple as it sounds! Today's listener question is a perfect example of this.

Highlights from Episode #120:

• Welcome to the show! Vicki takes a moment to chat about her upcoming monthly boundary workshops. [00:39]
• Do you remember Episode 71, when Vicki talked about the man cave? Today's episode responds to a listener's question about that episode. [01:42]
• We hear the listener question that inspired this episode, which involves the "man cave" being in the bar rather than the house. [04:56]
• Vicki explains the first thing that pops out to her in this question: it involves a lot of the listener's partner, and not much about the listener herself. [08:35]
• Questions about the other person are distractions from the most important questions, which are about you. [12:07]
• What do you do when you just don't like how someone is showing up (or not)? [16:11]
• Vicki offers her advice for anyone who wants something more from a partner or spouse. [20:18]
• We learn about one of the dangers of wanting to become happier in a relationship. [25:34]
• To get more of what you want, notice and appreciate it when you get it—and ignore the things you don't want more of. [29:28]
• Vicki answers the listener's question about whether she should stay in her own lane and find her own activities. [33:48]
• We hear a quick recap of the takeaways from today's episode. [38:22]

Links and Resources:

• Sign up for updates about Vicki's monthly boundary workshops beginning February 2021
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #71 – Men, Requests, & The Man Cave
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #102 – Should I Make a Request or Express a Desire? (For Women)
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray
• Laura Doyle

There's been a lot of talk recently about free speech—specifically, news stories about a somewhat infamous media figure who was banned from several major social media sites. It got me to thinking about the limits of free speech, which is all about boundaries. In this episode I'll talk about why boundaries have a lot to do with free speech, as well as how freedom of speech operates in both physical and virtual space.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #28:

• Although each of us is free to say or do whatever we want, freedom to do what we want also comes with certain consequences—positive, neutral, or negative.
• Boundaries create limits, but they also create space. The amount of space a boundary creates has a lot to do with the limit that is created. For example, if you put a fence around your property, you're creating a clear limit, but you're also creating more private space that can only be accessed by you.
• Free speech is determined by who controls the space where speech occurs. Whoever owns or controls a space gets to decide what the limits are. This is true whether it's a physical space (such as your house or a business' office) or a virtual space (such as a social media site, website, or blog).
• It's not anyone's responsibility to provide a platform or vehicle for another person to get information they want. For example, if you're following someone on Twitter and they get banned because of Twitter's boundaries, Twitter is not responsible for providing you a platform to connect with the person they banned. Today, just about anyone with a small amount of resources and money can create their own virtual space, which makes giving and getting information freely far more accessible than at any other time in human history.

Highlights from Episode #28:

• We hear about the topic of today's episode, as well as the inspiration for it. [00:48]
• Vicki reads the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution for listeners who may need a refresher. She then digs into the topic of consequences. [03:11]
• Boundaries not only create limits; they also create space. Vicki explores this concept, then links it to the concept of free speech. [07:32]
• Vicki gives examples of what it means for people who own a particular physical or virtual space to make decisions about who and how others are permitted to express themselves in those spaces. [12:04]
• We learn how the concepts Vicki has been exploring relate to virtual space. [16:51]
• Vicki points out that just about anyone with some resources can create their own virtual space to say whatever they want to say. [22:03]
• There are some environments that are truly oppressive in terms of what they allow people to say or express, and when you encounter one of those, it's probably best to find another community or environment that allow you greater freedom of expression. [24:40]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• US Bill of Rights

Before we get into the main part of this episode, I have a big announcement! Starting in February, I'll be offering monthly workshops to support you as you work your way through the 5-Step Boundary Solution process.

Sign up for workshop updates and more details using this link!

The idea of calibration is a hugely important one when you're doing boundary work. This scale for what is standard or normal affects so many parts of our lives, from our initial reactions to people all the way to who we choose to date or to partner with. But just because you're calibrated in a certain way regarding boundaries, it doesn't mean you're fated to stay there forever. You can change your calibration in a positive way, and this episode will help you get started.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #118:

• The calibration we receive as children has many consequences over our lives. We are calibrated by our family around our own boundaries. For example, if we grow up in a boundary-less family, that will feel like "the norm" or standard to us.
• The way in which we are calibrated largely determines the people who we are attracted to, as well as the people who we feel repelled by. This explains why people often partner with people who are similar to their parents.
• Calibration isn't static, and it can change. If you grew up in a family on the boundary-less end of the continuum and struggle to set boundaries with people, you can actively start to work on your boundaries.
• Calibration can change in the other direction too, with us becoming desensitized over time.

Highlights from Episode #118:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and wishes everyone a happy New Year! She then shares the exciting announcement that she hinted at in the last episode of 2020. [00:39]
• Today's episode is about calibration, Vicki explains, and chats about what that means. [03:32]
• We learn that there are three reasons why we're generally most impressionable (in terms of calibration) when we're children. [07:38]
• Vicki gives an overview of how calibration relates to boundaries in terms of standards. [10:01]
• How you're calibrated can affect how you react to people, Vicki explains. [14:49]
• We hear some good news and some bad news about calibration. [20:46]
• How do you change your calibration in a positive way once you become aware of it? [24:55]
• Vicki talks about some simple ways for how to shift from being boundary-less to the healthy middle. [29:08]

Links and Resources:

• Sign up for updates about Vicki's monthly boundary workshops beginning February 2021
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)
• Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
• Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

Happy holidays! This is the final episode for this year, but I'll have some exciting news exclusively for listeners next year, and I'm looking forward to sharing that with you. For now, let's talk about the connecting power of boundaries—because they do actually create connection, despite their bad reputation! I'd also like to invite you to reflect on the ways that you want to be more in alignment with yourself, which is one of the best ways to create more connection with others.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #117:

• There's a misconception that boundaries are harsh or rigid, or that they create disconnection. This bad rap usually comes from the people who are on the receiving end!
• Boundaries can actually lead to connection, sometimes in surprising ways.
• Setting boundaries with ourselves in terms of how we respond is one of the ways that boundaries can help us connect.
• When you create a limit with another person and they honor your boundary, that actually creates connection. This can happen in a parent/adult child relationship or even with your significant other.
• Even saying "no" to a request can be a connecting experience, as long as that is your authentic response.

Highlights from Episode #117:

• Welcome to the show! Vicki wishes listeners happy holidays, and explains that she'll be taking some time off for self-care. [00:39]
• You have a right to create whatever boundary you need to create, Vicki points out. [03:27]
• Vicki shares a few of the ways that boundaries can create connection. [06:21]
• If you're struggling to wrap your head around how honoring a boundary creates connection, think back to a time when someone tried to push the limit or ignored your boundary. [10:58]
• We learn about how making or receiving a request can be a connecting experience. [13:06]
• Vicki shares one last example of how limits can help us create connection. [15:22]
• We hear a recap of the four examples that Vicki has shared today. [18:41]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #6 – What to Expect When You Set Boundaries (+Non-Negotiable Boundaries)

People tend to see their situations as special or unique, when in reality, that's not the case most of the time. But we often get tripped up around exceptionalism when it comes to our boundaries. There are two common "unique snowflake" traps that we all fall into, and I'll dig into both of them today. Remember that even though your situation may feel exceptional, the principles of the boundary work involved are the same.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #116:

• The "unique snowflake trap" is the belief that there's something unique about your situation that makes your boundary challenge or question unique or different from the standard principles.
• A common example of this is believing that boundaries are different with different people. In fact, boundaries with family members work exactly the same way as they do with other people. You still get to decide how you want to respond.
• Another common example sounds something like, "You just don't understand. This person is different." While this may feel true, the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier still works for this situation.

Highlights from Episode #116:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to Episode 116, which will be about snowflakes and boundaries. We start off by learning about the history of the term "snowflake." [00:39]
• We hear about the "unique snowflake trap," which is one of the common things that trips people up around creating boundaries. [03:43]
• Vicki discusses whether boundaries are different depending on the role that different people have in your life. [05:02]
• You can decide that it's okay with you if someone has a right to your body, but no one else gets to decide that for you. This illustrates Vicki's point around family boundaries. [08:32]
• The second "unique snowflake" dynamic that Vicki talks about is some variation on "you just don't understand; this person is different/an exception." [09:49]
• Vicki digs into how the "unique snowflake" trap relates to the belief that getting someone else to change is the way to be happier or get our needs met. [13:56]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Sorry Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club Did Not Invent the Alt-Right's Favorite Insult, Matt Miller, January 30, 2017
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

When you get triggered, is the person who you got triggered by responsible? And what does this have to do with boundaries? Today's episode will dig into these important questions. If you're a long-time listener, you may have guessed that triggers are related to the listening boundary, which is the most difficult of the four primary boundaries. Tune in to learn about triggers, boundaries, and how to respond when you feel triggered.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #78:

• Triggers are individual and unique to each person, and the possible ways to be triggered are almost endless.
• Thoughts create emotions, but emotions can also create thoughts. Each of us has emotions just underneath the surface waiting for something in the external world that will activate or stimulate them.
• You have a right to your opinion, to express yourself, and to ask someone to do something differently if you're triggered. However, the other person isn't responsible for your trigger, and they aren't obligated to change so you won't be triggered.
• When you get triggered and want to critique the other person, ask yourself what is your intention. Often, it's to be right, to shame the other person, and/or to prove them uninformed or ignorant.

Highlights from Episode #78:

• Welcome to Episode 78, where we'll cover the question of whether someone else is responsible if you get triggered. Vicki takes a moment to clarify what she means by "triggers." [00:39]
• Vicki addresses how triggers are related to boundaries, specifically the listening boundary. She then explains why she has been reluctant to talk about this question of triggers, and why she's covering it now. [07:39]
• We hear about a conversation that Vicki had with her publisher related to using the word "bitchy," and a seemingly hypocritical decision that could have been a trigger, but wasn't. [10:29]
• When we get triggered (like by one of the words Vicki has been talking about), who is responsible? Vicki then talks about the idea in that currently in the US there is a lot of external pressure to hold certain attitudes or to be educated in specific ways in order to be accepted or considered "woke." [19:06]
• You have a right to your opinion and to ask people to do things differently. [22:40]
• Triggers aren't universal; they're unique to each person and even situation. Vicki offers examples to clarify. [24:09]
• Vicki offers specific advice for what to do when you feel triggered and want to critique the other person. [28:36]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Clarity Circle
• Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins M.D. Ph.D
• Pia Mellody
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 32: Boundaries Quick Tips #1: So, You're Offended?
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 19: When They Go Low… We Go Lower

Happy Thanksgiving! This episode is coming out just in time to help you navigate the complexities of holidays in the time of COVID-19 (although the points about safety are always relevant). As we explore this new complex landscape, let's take some time to talk about boundaries, agreements, and the freedom to choose.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #114:

• When you hear words like "let" or "made" (in the sense of "making" someone do something), they often indicate that the person using them doesn't fully understand how boundaries work.
• If you make a request and someone else freely agrees, no one is being "made" to do anything. And the act of making a request isn't controlling, because it recognizes the freedom that the other person has to make their own decisions.
• During the pandemic, we're faced with many dilemmas as we navigate what to do based on what the people around us are doing (or not doing).
• Remember that you get to decide what's best for you, and for the people in your care. Other people also get to decide what's best for them, including requiring that you get tested before you come to their house.

Highlights from Episode #114:

• Welcome back to the show! Today's episode was inspired by a listener's question about how to apply boundaries around different perceptions of safety regarding COVID-19. [00:39]
• Vicki responds to the listener, complimenting her boundary work and pointing out that parents are responsible for their children's safety. [04:25]
• We hear about where the listener's question becomes a little bit confusing—and why her opportunity to negotiate boundaries will go on for years or decades. [13:18]
• Vicki explores one of the most challenging parts of boundaries during COVID-19, and returns to addressing questions of freedom and control. [17:03]
• You are the decider for what is best for you and the people in your care. [22:38]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify