If you haven’t heard last week’s episode yet, I recommend listening to that one too if you’re interested in this exploration of the talking boundary. In that episode, I covered what the talking boundary is, and what talking boundary violations look like. This time, I’ll move into what it looks like when you have a healthy, effective talking boundary. I’ll also share some questions to ask yourself to help ensure your talking boundary is in great shape.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #133:

• The first way to use a healthy talking boundary is to say what you would like or what you want, instead of saying what the other person did that you didn’t like.
• Another important way to use your talking boundary in a healthy way is to lead with agreement. Mastering your listening boundary will also help you develop a strong, healthy talking boundary.
• Here are some questions to ask yourself when you’re using the talking boundary: 
  • Is the other person in a position to really hear me and take in what I’m saying?
  • What response do I expect to get from this person?
  • Do I need to speak my truth regardless of the response?
  • Can I express what I want to say in a way that’s completely about me?
  • Would it be better if I waited for 24 hours to say what I want to say?

Highlights from Episode #133:

• Did you catch last week’s episode? This one continues the exploration of the talking boundary that Vicki started then. [00:39]
• Vicki shares some thoughts on the question behind the question, “Are talking boundary violations verbal abuse?” [04:09]
• We learn the first way to use a healthy talking boundary, with Vicki offering an example from her own life. [07:27]
• Vicki offers some general questions to ask yourself before you speak. [13:07]
• It’s important to think of what your intention is before you express yourself, Vicki points out. [23:47]
• Leading with agreement is the second way to use a healthy talking boundary. [26:36]
• We learn about how one-word responses (or even silence) can work. [29:24]
• Vicki explains that mastering the listening boundary is the best way to strengthen your talking boundary. [32:15]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part I 
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39 – The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40 – The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses 
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #132 – She Said What?! Part I of A Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary

By special request, I’m doing a deeper dive into the talking boundary. I’ve mentioned this boundary in 25 episodes, but I’ve never gone into the level of depth that it deserves. When your talking boundary is functioning well, you express yourself in a healthy, relational way while sharing your authentic reality. You may be surprised by some examples of what talking boundary violations look like, so tune in to learn all about this important topic!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #132:

• The talking boundary is the mindful, healthy filter between your thoughts and your words. At the extremes, a person has no filter and they say whatever comes to mind—or they don’t share anything. We’re aiming for somewhere in the middle.
• “Unbridled self-expression,” as Terry Real calls it, is not an example of a functional talking boundary. Neither is erring on the side of being only nice or pleasant with your words, regardless of your true feelings.
• When we get activated or triggered, we can lose the filter between our thoughts and words, and start reacting instead of responding.

Highlights from Episode #132:

• Vicki explains the inspiration for this episode, and reveals that she’ll start by talking about the violations that fall under the talking boundary. [00:39]
• What is the talking boundary? [03:55]
• We learn about the healthy middle for the talking boundary. [07:17]
• Vicki digs into what the talking boundary is not, including why the idea that “if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all” can be problematic. [11:27]
• If someone doesn’t receive your words the way you intended, sometimes an outside opinion can be helpful. [16:10]
• Why is the talking boundary so challenging and complex? [18:03]
• Vicki shares many examples of talking boundary violations, including teasing another person and the silent treatment, among others. [20:44]
• Did this episode resonate with you, or remind you of yourself (or someone else)? If so, keep in mind that this is a challenging boundary. [34:27]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s monthly boundaries clarifier workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Pia Mellody
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #2 – What Good Boundaries Can Do For You + The 5 Types and 2 Functions of Boundaries
• Terry Real

Right now, in the United States, trauma is speaking. Prejudice and racism wounds, and are potentially traumatizing to anyone who experiences them. But listening to another person’s trauma is a challenging thing to do, especially if we perceive that we may have played a part in their experience — even when remaining silent or looking away. Let’s talk about how to listen when trauma speaks.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #93:

• The listening boundary is the most challenging boundary for most of us. When we feel at fault or like we’re being blamed for trauma, it takes the listening boundary to a whole new level. 
• Prejudice and racism are spread very much like the coronavirus; people who appear not to be infected can infect quite a few people, and the results can be deadly.
• What has happened since Mr. Floyd’s death is the result of centuries of oppression, discrimination, and systemic, institutionalized racism.
• Notice any urges you have to defend, explain, or make the other person feel better. This is usually a sign that you’ve strayed into defensiveness.

Highlights from Episode #93:

• Vicki makes a clarification, then introduces today’s episode on how to listen when trauma speaks. [00:39]
• We hear Vicki’s thoughts on the use of the words “white” and “Black” to describe people. She then shares some of her own journey. [04:19]
• Despite having intentionally and actively worked against it, Vicki still counts herself as a product of the racial conditioning that she received as a child. [11:17]
• Vicki shares a jaw-dropping story about unaware racism. [18:03]
• Discomfort can make it difficult to listen when trauma speaks. [22:36]
• What’s the solution? How do we listen to another person’s trauma? Vicki offers some tips and advice, and emphasizes the importance of listening. [30:01]
• Vicki offers some observations about the way that white people try to make things better, but end up making them worse. [34:43]
• White people will never know what it feels like to be a person of color. Vicki invites white listeners to have curiosity, embrace humility, and to try to stay open to the reality that others may have very different life circumstances and experiences. [39:12]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Kenneth and Mamie Clark's Doll Experiments 
• Jane Elliott (Blue Eyes & Brown Eyes Exercise) 
• Toni Morrison
• Maya Angelou
• J. California Cooper
• Angela Davis
• Alice Walker
• Zora Neale Hurston
• Leon Waters
• Center for the Healing of Racism

We’ve all been there: you say “yes” to a request or accept an invitation, then realize that it just doesn’t work for you. But are you allowed to change your mind even if you’ve already said yes? As counterintuitive as it might feel, the short answer is that you always have the right to change your mind. And if you think your situation is an exception to that rule, then this episode is for you! 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #130:

• You always have a right to change your mind, no matter what. This may not always be easy to do, but you have a right to do so every single time.
• If you’ve agreed to a request and now regret your answer and want to change it, you’re free to say something like, “I need to let you know that the agreement that I made with you no longer works for me.”
• When you’re renegotiating an agreement or changing a “yes” to a “no,” avoid accusations, judgments, or language like “that’s ridiculous.” This isn’t helpful and won’t bring you more connection.

Highlights from Episode #130:

• Welcome to the show! Vicki shares a big milestone for the podcast, and talks about the next Boundaries Clarifier Workshop, which is coming up on April 27th. [00:39]
• We hear about the topic of today’s episode, which was inspired by a listener’s question. [02:23]
• Do you have the right to change your mind if you’ve already said yes to something? [07:23]
• Vicki reviews what it means to make a request, and relates this to the listener’s question. [09:31]
• We learn why “I felt like I had no choice” is technically an inaccurate statement, and why that’s so important. [13:19]
• What do you do when you’ve agreed to do something and regret your choice? [16:06]
• After you say that you can no longer do what you agreed to, stop talking. [20:28]
• Vicki discusses what to do if the person you’re talking to tries to change the subject when you tell them that you’ve changed your mind. [23:59]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #24 – The Politician (No, Not That One)

***Victoria has a NEW boundaries podcast! Click this link for Boundaries Queen.***

If you’ve ever encountered someone whose sexual energy seems like it’s just spilling out all around them, you already have an idea of what “leaky sexual energy” is. While it can be hard to pinpoint or define (and isn’t based simply on what clothes someone is wearing), you’ll generally be able to sense it when someone has leaky sexual energy. Tune in to learn more!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #129:

• Boundaries have two functions: protecting yourself (and/or other people), and defining yourself physically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally. In other words, the way a person presents themselves physically is an example of their boundaries.
• If a person has leaky sexual energy, they aren’t managing or "containing" their sexual energy in a healthy way.
• Keep in mind that your perception of someone else’s sexual energy is exactly that: your perception. As with any other thought or perception, I invite you to be curious about it.

Highlights from Episode #129:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, in which she’ll talk about leaky sexual energy. To start off, she defines the two functions of boundaries. [00:39]
• We learn what Vicki means when she says that the way someone presents themselves is an example of their boundaries. [04:18]
• “Leaky sexual energy” means that someone’s sexual energy is spilling out or radiating from them in a very overt way. [05:38]
• If someone wears a certain type of clothing, does this necessarily mean that they have leaky sexual energy? [08:48]
• Vicki talks about perceptions of sexual energy, then gives an example of people seeing sexual energy where it wasn’t intended. [11:16]
• We hear another example, this time about Vicki herself. [14:58]
• Vicki points out that we don’t get to just easily put the label of “leaky sexual energy” on someone based on the clothing they’re wearing. [17:19]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Pia Mellody
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #51 – Intuitives, Empaths & The Personal Energy Boundary

Did you know that tuning into your body is a brilliant source of information about you and your emotions? It can even help you learn about the boundaries you may want to set. The first step is to notice when you feel emotions in your body, and then start identifying which physical sensations track to which emotions for you.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #128:

• Once you’ve noticed the signals from your body, you get to interpret them. You can download this emotions chart based on Pia Mellody’s work for some guidance.
• Anger, fear, emotional pain, love, and shame are some of the most common emotions, and they’re a great place to start as you’re figuring out how you physically feel emotions.
• If you feel anger or fear, you may need to set a boundary or express a limit. Pay attention to what your body is telling you, and ask yourself whether a boundary would fit the situation.
• Next time you have a noticeable physical reaction to an experience, take a moment to identify your sensations. From there, assess what emotions are connected to those sensations.

Highlights from Episode #128:

• Welcome to today’s episode! We learn about today’s topic, which has to do with bodies and boundaries (but maybe not in the way you expect). [00:39]
• What does it mean to tune into your body as a source of information? [03:04]
• Vicki offers some examples of what different emotions might feel like in your body. [06:56]
• We hear about some potential sensations for emotional pain, love, and shame. [09:32]
• Anger and fear often come up in situations where we need to set a boundary or limit, Vicki explains. [12:21]
• What does it mean if you feel a visceral aversion to someone or something? [15:29]
• Vicki recommends what to do next time you have a physical sensation in response to an interaction or experience. [18:44]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Pia Mellody
• Emotions chart based on Pia Mellody’s work
• Silvan Tomkins

From time to time, everyone struggles with biting the bait. And usually the people we feel most baited by are the people we care about the most. But there’s really no benefit to biting the bait, especially if we want to stay connected. Today, I’ll dig into what exactly bait is, and share 11 ways to avoid biting it.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #95:

• The dictionary definition of bait causes us to focus on the wrong thing in interpersonal reactions: the other person’s intent. Instead, think of bait as your internal experience to what another person says or does (or doesn’t say or do).
• The eight phrases that I shared in my episode on how to keep the peace during the holidays all work when you’re feeling baited. A fantastic all-purpose response is to simply say, “I hear you.” 
• A helpful response when you’re feeling baited is to repeat the other person’s statement or question. Another option is to amplify what the other person said if it was negative.
• Finally, humor can be one of the most effective strategies for dealing with bait.

Highlights from Episode #95:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is all about how not to bite the bait. [00:39]
• We hear about Vicki’s upcoming special live event for podcast listeners. There, she’ll answer previous questions from listeners. [03:24]
• What is bait? Vicki explains why the dictionary definition is problematic in this context. [04:45]
• Vicki digs into the benefits of focusing on being baited as your own experience instead of someone else’s intention. [10:32]
• We hear about the first few of 11 potential responses to use when you feel baited. [13:47]
• Vicki shares the rest of the potential responses, including a standalone “ouch.” [18:47]
• Vicki adds three more tools, specifically for when you’re feeling baited. [23:51]
• We hear a quick recap of the 11 ways that you can respond when you’re feeling baited. [32:39]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Clarity Circle 
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Pia Mellody
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #74: 8 Phrases to Help You Keep the Peace During the Holidays
• Laura Doyle

The next monthly boundaries clarifier workshop is coming up next Tuesday, March 23, 2021! Bring an issue or boundary, and we’ll all work on it together by using the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. But let’s get onto today’s topic: your responses to boundary issues and why self-care can be a far better choice than consequences. In fact, whenever you experience a boundary violation, I’d like to invite you to start by thinking about self-care. How can you get your needs met while taking care of yourself and your feelings?

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #126:

• It’s common to think about “consequences” (or even punishment) for broken agreements or boundary violations. But it can be more effective to think of your response to a broken agreement in terms of self-care instead.
• Imagine yourself in a scenario in which someone has violated an agreement or boundary. (My example is someone forgetting about shared plans, but you can use a different scenario if you prefer.) What would self-care look like in this scenario? What would “consequences” look like? How do those options feel different as you sit with them?
• When we want to be respectful and relational with another adult, there’s no place for punishments—even for broken agreements. If you try, you may even find yourself with an emotional hangover!

Highlights from Episode #126:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to episode 126, which is all about your consequences! Are they punishment or self-care? [00:39]
• We learn about the three most common ways to think about responding to boundary violations: consequences, punishment, or self-care. [03:15]
• Vicki offers a specific example to demonstrate what she means about responding with self-care. [05:25]
• In a scenario like Vicki has described, you might feel angry or hurt. She then talks about what self-care might look like in this case. [09:26]
• In that same scenario, thinking about consequences feels different. [12:46]
• Vicki talks about another example, this time demonstrating how consequences may not be helpful. [14:52]
• We learn about outright punishments, which have no place [16:37]
• When you’re thinking about how to respond to a boundary problem or violation, start with self-care. [18:17]
• Remember to come to the next boundaries clarifier workshop next Tuesday, March 23! [19:36]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

In case you haven’t already heard, I’m holding monthly boundaries clarifier workshops. At these events, we walk through the first four steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Today’s episode was inspired by something that came up in the very first of these workshops: Step 3 (Identifying Your Power Center) is challenging for a lot of people. That’s why today’s episode is all about this step of the process, and how to decide between your four options.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #125:

• Identifying your power center is incredibly important. Getting it wrong can lead you to think that you don’t have the power to create your desired outcome, or you might believe that you have more power than you actually do.
• Even when you don’t have the power to create the outcome that you want, this doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. But keep in mind that “I want you to change” isn’t an option for an outcome.
• You have four options to decide between in terms of your ability to create the outcome you want: 1. I have the power, 2. I need to ask for help, 3. I need to make a request, or 4. I am powerless. 
• Making a request is often not the best option. If you’re an enthusiastic request-maker, ask yourself whether there’s another way to get your needs met before making a request. (If you tend not to ever make requests or as, this advice isn’t for you!)

Highlights from Episode #125:

• Welcome to the episode! We hear that today’s episode involves a deep dive into Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [00:39]
• Vicki reviews the first two steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. [06:21]
• We hear the four options for your answers to Step 3, and Vicki shares an example to clarify how these options work. [09:28]
• The first option is “I have the power to create the outcome I want.” Vicki explores this one in more depth. [11:34]
• Vicki invites listeners to think of situations where you’ve been recurrently irritated by someone else’s behavior, and points out the problem with prioritizing others’ negative thinking. [20:49]
• We hear an example from Vicki’s life about how asking someone to change didn’t work, and learn what she does instead. [25:05]
• We learn about the second option: “I need to ask for help.” [26:50]
• Vicki talks about the third option: needing to make a request. She explains why it’s potentially problematic and might not be the best way to get the outcome you want. [29:01]
• There are definitely times when you need to make a request. We hear a few examples. [37:26]
• The fourth and final option is to acknowledge that you can’t create the outcome that you want: I am powerless. [41:31]
• Vicki explores an important caveat about choosing the fourth option. [46:23]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #12 – Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #124 – Repeat After Me: I Am Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings!

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. This may feel hard to believe if you tend to immediately feel responsible and guilty when someone is upset with you (as many of us do!). Tune in to learn how to navigate situations where someone else is blaming you for their reaction or feelings, and why it’s so dangerous to believe that we are responsible.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #124:

• When you find yourself starting to take on the blame for someone being upset with you, start by asking yourself, “is it true that whenever someone is upset with me, I did something wrong?” Can you think of even one exception?
• Here’s a script you can use if you know that you tend to take on the blame when someone is upset with you: “Thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I need to take a couple hours (or minutes, or days) to think about what you shared, and then I’ll get back to you.”
• During the time you’re taking to think over the topic, assess whether you’re responsible for their feelings. Did you violate their boundaries in any way? Were you rude? Did you curse or call them names? Did you act in an offensive way? Is there another possible response that they might have had? Asking these questions will help you get clarity on whether you believe you’re responsible.

Highlights from Episode #124:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, which is all about emphasizing that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. [00:39]
• We hear why Vicki is focusing on this topic today. [03:10]
• There are consequences and distorted beliefs that arise from thinking we’re responsible, Vicki explains. [08:14]
• Vicki shares a question to ask yourself when you’re in this situation, and shares an example from her own life. [10:46]
• We hear more advice on how to manage someone trying to hand you the blame for their feelings. [16:10]
• Doing the kind of inner exploration that Vicki has described will help you learn to be more objective in emotional situations. [21:50]
• Vicki offers examples of how your thoughts can lead to various responses to the same situation. [24:23]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part 1
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39 – The Listening Boundary Part 2
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40 – The Listening Boundary Part 3