Breaking Bread Podcast

We don't like it when things are out of reach. Especially when they are good things. But sometimes they just are. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter helps us understand what health looks like amid the disappointment of our inabilities.

Definition: Limitations are those things that we cannot do or achieve regardless of effort or resources.

• Potential examples: IQ, Physical limitations, Mental limitations, Human developmental stage, Economics

Reality: Limitations are often sources of pain in a person's life. We don't like to be told "no" you can't do that.

Healthy Mental Processing: Limitations are losses to be grieved.

• Acknowledge the limitation.
• Grieve the limitation.
• Listen for the lie limitation has posited in your thinking. (ex. You are stupid.)
• Correct the lie with truth.
• Accept the limitation.

Healthy Mindset: Do not identify yourself according to your limitation. Rather, understand your limitation to be part of your unique story and an aspect beloved by God the Father. Pivot your thinking away from limitations and on to opportunities.

Healthy Action: A lot of good is instore for you even with your limitation. Invest in those areas you can contribute and improve in.

Definition: Weaknesses are those things that we struggle to do well, but with effort and resources, can improve.

• Potential examples: Improving a skill, Learning a trade, Growing positive character qualities

Reality: The ceiling of our abilities is most likely untried. We can make meaningful gains in many areas of our life.

Healthy Mental Processing: We need to discern the difference between limitations in our lives and weaknesses.

Healthy Mindset: God has given us the responsibility to steward our abilities. Continuing to grow and learn is part of the human flourishing He calls us into.

Healthy Action: Growth is a function of effort over time. Engage the growth process.

Many explanations for our present realities harken back to our past. After all, who of us has not been shaped by the layers of life upon life? The marriage relationship is a crucible whereby these past experiences have a very present voice. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer explains the impact past trauma plays in present marriages. Understanding this unwelcome visitor in our today marriage relationship provides a great deal of explanation for the interactions we experience between spouses. It also, unlocks a hopeful path for an increasingly healthy marriage.

What is trauma? Sometimes our present experiences trigger danger, even when we are objectively safe. This may be a sign of trauma. In our past, traumatic experiences threatened our safety. Today, experiences may trigger that past offense and send negative reactions surging through our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Trauma can affect all areas of our life including the marriage relationship.

Thoughts are triggered by trauma: Trauma strikes at the perceived safety of an individual. The offense against a spouse's safety in the past leaves them vulnerable to this perceived lack of safety in the present. Triggers prompt thoughts that say "I'm not safe in this moment!"

Feelings are triggered by trauma: Past painful memories hold intense negative emotions. Thoughts of jeopardized safety cause feelings of fear, unwanted exposure, a sense of helplessness and feelings of loneliness.

Behaviors are triggered by trauma: Perceived "over-reactions" can occur by those wounded by past trauma. Present situations trigger a reaction conditioned by the past. Individuals might fight, take flight, or freeze. They might pull away to avoid vulnerability. This can be disorienting to the individual and their spouse. Relational connection is broken and reception of love in these moments are difficult.

Understanding is helpful: Understanding when past trauma is speaking in the present can be helpful. It can provide explanation for the unwanted reactions that happen in present situations. This can lead to compassion and empathy.

Moving toward healing: Establishing safety within self and with spouse is the first step in moving forward. Couples will need to work on establishing trust and allowing vulnerability to happen. Being curious is key and seeking not to personalize present triggers to past trauma. Some question prompts can be helpful:

• Help me understand when you feel this way?
• What is it like for you to experience _________?
• How do my actions contribute to your distress?

Couples who want to make healthy gains in this area can make use of resources:

• "The Body Keeps the Score" Bessel Van der Kolk M.D.
• https://accounseling.org/overcomingtraumainmarriagewebinar/ - webinar
• https://www.amazon.com/s?k=how+we+love+by+milan+and+kay+yerkovich&sprefix=how+we+lo%2Caps%2C120&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_2_9 - How We Love book

In some situations, uncovering the trauma and finding healing may require a counselor.

The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want. This classic Bible verse from the Psalms sums up the whole of contentment. Yet, there are some well-worn pitfalls. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Tom Waldbeser and Isaac Funk address these and how they can be avoided.

Contentment is not the ability to do without. Rather, it is possessing all that matters. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Tom Waldbeser and Isaac Funk present this possession from which contentment is a byproduct.

Contentment is:

• A state of mind.
• Being satisfied.
• A learned experience.

Contentment is hindered by:

• Entitlement

Contentment comes by way of:

• Understanding our limitations.
• Managing our expectations.
• Abiding in Jesus.
• Knowing God.
• Taking our pain to God.
• Offloading our desires onto God.

Contentment brings about:

• Thanksgiving.
• A lifestyle whereby we live within our means.
• A relinquishing of control.
• A reduced anxiety about tomorrow.

Sometimes caring comes with a cost. An emotional tax. Overtime we can become spent, tired, irritable and overwhelmed. Living in a world with lots of cares, compassion fatigue is real and is having its impact. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Brian Sutter help us understand how to maintain a measure of health while at the same time engaging in a hurting world.

The brokenness of our world is brought to our awareness in increasing measure. From pandemics, natural disasters, wars, famines, injustice, oppression, mistreatment, tragedy, political debacle and societal changes, we are in no lack of matters for which we are aware and for which we care. If the brokenness we are confronted with in our world at large was not enough, matters of deep care and concern fill our personal lives. Loss, divorce, addictions, aging parents, disabilities, financial hardship and more make demands and draw on our physical and mental compassion reservoir.

In many ways, a reservoir is a good illustration for the capacity we have with care. Matters of concern draw on our compassion reservoir. When depleted, we experience compassion fatigue. The emotional toll that comes when we mentally and physically are spent. When experiencing compassion fatigue we can become apathetic, cynical, frustrated or exhausted. When we are experiencing these realities, we are not bringing our best selves to the matters we care about.

The answer to compassion fatigue is not caring less. Rather it lies in proper perspective and proper self-care. By attending to these two areas we can fill our compassion reservoir.

A proper perspective is one that holds our broken reality in a God-oriented world view. This view acknowledges we were not created with the frame to process all the brokenness around us. In God's perfect creation intent, He intended to keep at bay this darkness. Yet sin defiled our innocence. This perspective helps us understand compassion fatigue is expected. On the flip side of the coin, we understand compassion is actually an attribute of God. It is His reaction to the brokenness we experience. In His likeness, we example His attribute to our world. We fill our compassion reservoir when we understand God ultimately is the savior of the issues that concern us. He is always active. When we are not "on call", He is. No situation is solely reliant on us. In fact, often God has many other people as active, compassionate, image-bearers devoted to the matters that concern us.

Proper self-care follows from this perspective. Healthy compassionate people regularly rest from their worries. They intentionally take sabbath rest. They give their bodies the physical rest it requires to be effective. They detach their minds from concerning matters. They know where and how to invest their mental space in restorative activity. This can range from taking a nap to exercising; from working on a puzzle to reading a novel; from making music to painting a picture. They also engage in restorative relationships. They invest in relationships that support them in ways of accountability as well as enjoyment. Healthy compassionate people also know what is not restorative to their compassion reservoir. Not all mental escape is equal. Sometimes individuals think activities are restorative when they are not. For example, in an attempt to distract oneself away from cares, they escape to places that stimulate the brain to more anxiety. Social media is one common example of this. Each person needs to know him/herself and what is and is not restorative.

While we were not created for the brokenness we encounter, we were created for the goodness of God's creation. Wonderfully, traces of that goodness abound. Healthy compassionate people look for this goodness and engage in it. When they do, their compassion reservoir is filled, and they are able to draw on that compassion to minister to the hurting around them. And when they do that, God's compassion is brought near to this broken world.

The abortion issue is charged and complicated. Yet there is a simple reality every time - there are two lives to love. In this episode of Breaking Bread this love is made evident by two guests who example what loving life looks like in the hard reality of an unplanned pregnancy. Rita Metz is a sonographer at a pre-abortive ministry called Living Alternatives Pregnancy Resource Center and Kevin Knapp is a volunteer staff member with the connected post-abortive ministry called Deeper Still. Together they beautifully elevate Jesus in this crisis.

Living Alternative Pregnancy Resource Center webpage: Pregnancy Resource Center | Living Alternatives

Deeper Still ministry webpage: www.godeeperstill.org

: Perfectionism has a strange advantage among those it afflicts. A need for perfect. Wonderfully there is a perfect answer. Christ came to be our perfection. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. helps us understand socially prescribed perfectionism and the answer Jesus is to the perfection we long for.

Show notes

We love perfectionists. Who wouldn't want a perfectionist as their builder, accountant, or surgeon? Perfectionists hold high standards and are successful and acclaimed because they do. This is precisely why perfectionism is tricky…strengths can become weaknesses.

Three types of perfectionism:

• Self-oriented perfectionism
  • Definition: A person with very high, exacting standards for themselves.
  • Unhealthy Measure: Specific performance
  • Unhealthy Mindset: It needs to be perfect, or I've failed. There is no "good enough" in their thinking.
  • Unhealthy Result: Harsh self-criticism & low self-compassion leading to discouragement & depression
  • Remedy: They need to rethink success and reward the right thing. Was it adequate?
  • Healthy Measure: Wholistic performance over time.
  • Healthy Mindset: They need to understand that they are 'in progress.' Growth over time is the measure. Effort is more important than outcome.
• Other-oriented perfectionism
  • Definition: A person who holds others to very high, exacting standards.
  • Unhealthy Measure: Other people's performance.
  • Unhealthy Mindset: The belief that they are a guardian of a standard and fear the standard will be dropped.
  • Unhealthy Result: Demanding and controlling towards others. A critical spirit creates distance and resentment between them and for those who they project their very high expectations.
  • Remedy: Don't be a voice of fear and discouragement to the next "generation". Rather, teach and empower them.
  • Healthy Measure: Measure the human cost of seeking perfection. Sometimes we can get it wrong by trying to get it right.
  • Healthy Mindset: Trust God. Trust others.
• Socially-prescribed perfectionism
  • Definition: A person who reacts to their perceived beliefs about what other people expect of them.
  • Unhealthy Measure: Trying to guess other people's perceptions.
  • Unhealthy Mindset: Getting into someone else's head. "I think, they think…"
  • Unhealthy Result: Insecurity, people pleasing and fabricated offenses that rob otherwise healthy moments.
  • Remedy: Practice getting out of other people's heads.
  • Healthy Measure: What am I assuming is true and what do I know to be true?
  • Healthy Mindset: I can't please everyone.

"Do your best and leave the rest" is a tricky balance for the perfectionist. Yet it sums up a measure of health for those who have high, exacting standards for themselves or others. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. teaches us about two types of perfectionism.

Show notes

We love perfectionists. Who wouldn't want a perfectionist as their builder, accountant, or surgeon? Perfectionists hold high standards and are successful and acclaimed because they do. This is precisely why perfectionism is tricky…strengths can become weaknesses.

Three types of perfectionism:

• Self-oriented perfectionism
  • Definition: A person with very high, exacting standards for themselves.
  • Unhealthy Measure: Specific performance
  • Unhealthy Mindset: It needs to be perfect, or I've failed. There is no "good enough" in their thinking.
  • Unhealthy Result: Harsh self-criticism & low self-compassion leading to discouragement & depression
  • Remedy: They need to rethink success and reward the right thing. Was it adequate?
  • Healthy Measure: Wholistic performance over time.
  • Healthy Mindset: They need to understand that they are 'in progress.' Growth over time is the measure. Effort is more important than outcome.
• Other-oriented perfectionism
  • Definition: A person who holds others to very high, exacting standards.
  • Unhealthy Measure: Other people's performance.
  • Unhealthy Mindset: The belief that they are a guardian of a standard and fear the standard will be dropped.
  • Unhealthy Result: Demanding and controlling towards others. A critical spirit creates distance and resentment between them and for those who they project their very high expectations.
  • Remedy: Don't be a voice of fear and discouragement to the next "generation". Rather, teach and empower them.
  • Healthy Measure: Measure the human cost of seeking perfection. Sometimes we can get it wrong by trying to get it right.
  • Healthy Mindset: Trust God. Trust others.
• Socially-prescribed perfectionism
  • Definition: A person who reacts to their perceived beliefs about what other people expect of them.
  • Unhealthy Measure: Trying to guess other people's perceptions.
  • Unhealthy Mindset: Getting into someone else's head. "I think, they think…"
  • Unhealthy Result: Insecurity, people pleasing and fabricated offenses that rob otherwise healthy moments.
  • Remedy: Practice getting out of other people's heads.
  • Healthy Measure: What am I assuming is true and what do I know to be true?
  • Healthy Mindset: I can't please everyone.

Desires can be tricky. Is it okay to have them? Is it okay to voice them? What if I get my way? Does that make me selfish? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter helps us understand how having and voicing desires is not all bad, in fact, it can be healthy.

Unhealthy Desire

Healthy Desire

Desire for things that God has not allowed.

Desire for things that God has given to us to enjoy.

Selfishness: insisting on satisfying one's desires in a way that brings about strife and is at the expense of others.

Voicing desires while understanding that others have desires that will need to be acknowledged.

Damages relationships.

Enhances relationships.

Vulnerability has become a popular ideal. Authenticity, openness, and being "real" are touted as admirable qualities in our culture. Yet, how does Jesus shape this virtue? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Isaac Funk cast a vision for healthy vulnerability and draw from the example of Jesus.

Vulnerability Identifiers…

Jesus teaches us…

• How to be vulnerable.
• How to receive the vulnerable.
• How beauty can be made from the fruit of vulnerability.