Carole Baskins Diary

Howie Invites Met to Bring Over Some of My Stuff

Carole writes Howie:  25 Jan 2003 17:12:14

 

Dear Howie,  I am equally amazed that we were as comfortable together as we were.  Several times through the night I would look over at you and dreamily gaze at your silhouette against the nightlight from the hall.  I couldn't tell if you were asleep, because you were so quiet, so I resisted the almost irresistible urge to reach out and touch you each time.  I only gave in to that desire when it seemed apparent from your level of activity that you were already awake.  Once I know you are getting plenty of sleep in a night, I probably won't be so self-controlled.  You can let me know if I get out of hand.

 

I will take you up on leaving a few items there.  I would like for you to do the same here.  Thanks for the offer.  I know that is an emotionally charged area for both of us and I will try to be sensitive to your feelings.  If I am not, let me know.  The best part of being good friends first is that unwavering honesty in speaking our minds and knowing the other person accepts us for who we are.  You are making this so easy and comfortable for me.

 

I have church in the morning from 9-11.  I could come to you around noon, and then back to church at 4:30 for the 5:00 service.  I have a 9:00 and a 1:00 tour at WOES Monday for a large donor and a media contact, so I should spend the night at the island.  If you would like to spend the night here, you are welcome to, if you aren't uncomfortable being left here while I am at church.  I will be back home around 6:30.  You are always welcome to join me at any service.  All you have to do is say you want to go, or just show up.  I am proud to have you by my side.  I will never ask you to go though, because your attendance is not a condition of my feelings for you, and I don't ever wish to impose my choices on you.

 

Tuesday night at 6PM I am going to check out volunteering for the Frank Sanchez campaign.  That will be at 3418 W. Kennedy.  You are welcome to come, but don't do it for my sake.  I would like to see him elected, but I am doing this just as much for WOES sake.  I am disillusioned to learn that the old cliché is true that it isn't what you know, but who you know.  I've denied it for years, but that has been foolhardy.  The No More Homeless Pets conference today is a testament to that.  It went very well overall today.  We picked up 6 new members for the Spay Neuter subcommittee that meets twice monthly at my home.  They are all from Polk and Pinellas Counties but say they will work with us to see how it can be done before going home to start their own coalitions.

 

In general, I don't mind driving, especially now that I don't have to meet my mother at 8:30 every morning.  I do an awful lot of my work from the car, which is probably just lost time for you.  If I had Internet access in the car and a rack for clothes, I wouldn't need a home.  I used to live in my truck, as I am sure I told you.  It had racks across the camper for clothes to hang over the mattress I slept on.  That was 1976-1978 and the Internet hadn't gone public yet.    Driving at night is the only difficult time for me.  I got a ticket on my way home from church Wednesday for the first time in 10 or 12 years.  I was hungry and trying to get home.  I was not in the present.  Got clocked doing 60 in a 25, but the cop said he realized too late who I was and said he downgraded it to disobeying a traffic device (the speed limit sign) which reduced my fine from 280.00 to 90.00 and he said I can make the whole thing go away on line, which I am going to do next.

 

I hope you had fun catching up with your high school buddy.  I often wonder what ever became of the people I knew.  Since I never graduated, there was never a class that would have reunions.  I went to same private school, Florida College Academy for the first grade and then 6th through 9th.  Every year I was voted the smartest girl, the girl most lik

Groovy kind of love

Carole writes Howie: 

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do...

 

Thank you for that.

 

Howie writes Carole:  22 Jan 2003 00:05:14 -0500

 

Thanks.  I sort of regretted possibly creating the impression that tomorrow was some big confession or something.  You are so unusual in not asking questions and just waiting for me to bring up something.  But on the other hand, from this point on if there ever is something you are curious about or would like to ask, I'd like you to feel free to ask and I'll try to answer.

 

I feel like writing tonight.

 

One thing I would like you to be aware of is my religious background.  By birth I'm Jewish.  I have not practiced since I left home, and my family was never very religious.  I have no negative feelings about Judaism and have not "officially" ever abandoned it.  It just seemed to me that the whole thing was pretty well summed up in the Golden Rule and the rest was ritual.  Being Jewish is a little different from most religions in that it is to some extent not just a religion but also an ethnic background, like being Italian.  To my Jewish friends and my family, I'm Jewish, and occasionally get invited to a holiday meal.  My beliefs, as I think you have seen, run much more along spiritual lines, believing firmly in some life force in the Universe that is part of all living things, and a "soul" or "spirit" in each of us that is the portion of that life force that resides in us.  And I think that some form of reincarnation is very likely.

 

I would like to know your church because it is such an important part of your life and, for me, part of knowing and understanding you.  And even if I can never share some of the beliefs, I may well learn some things that I will benefit from.  And at a minimum, may simply find some peaceful minutes.  I went to Mary's church the day my old friend Dell died just to be able to be in a "house of God" as the right place for the feelings I had that day.

 

Switching topics, it tends to be human nature to find most desirable what we cannot have, and take for granted what we do have.  Aside from the awkwardness of saying or writing something that feels "mushy" to me, I think a part of me feels like if I share thoughts that show too much interest in you, I become part of the pack of admirers and less desirable.  Not saying this is the case - rather, it is another little insight I find as I look inside for reasons for my own behavior.

 

My favorite relative after my brother is my cousin Alan in Miami.  He is about 74, the guy who "talked" me into going to law school.  He is not just a brilliant trusts and estates lawyer, but someone who I admire for just having pure wisdom.  He was my mother's favorite younger cousin, and now I think he and I have the same relationship.  He had a long unhappy first marriage, then late in life married his current wife.  I don't think I know of a better marriage.

 

When I was in Miami in December I told him about you.  I hope you won't mind, but I showed him your poem, because I thought he was one of the few people who would appreciate it.  I have to confess and hope you'll understand that at the time, to me you were sort of new and interesting but had not really gotten past my barriers.  (And speaking of "bulldozing", where did you put them?)  Anyway, he became President of your fan club by the end of the poem.  I sent him a little update recently and he sent me the email below.  I thought it was wonderful, and wanted to share it with you when I got it but felt that "wince" that I get so I didn't.  Tonight I'm ignoring the wince.  Here is what he sent me:

 

When you are not with her, would you like to be? Would you like to wake up next to her in the morning and go to sleep with her at night? Do you often think about her when you are not with her? If you were able to change her, what changes (IF ANY) would you make?  Do you admire what she has done with her life up to this point? Do you think she is inte

Howie Sees and Hears Me In His Dreams

 

This was actually 1/21/2003 and labeled wrong.

Howie writes to Carole

I had the strangest experience last night.  I have had trouble sleeping lately and last night was worse.  Sometimes when this happens I go downstairs into the recliner and can sleep there better.  Somewhere around 3am, still awake but perhaps in an interim state, I felt like you were next to the recliner, in the kind of position one uses to sit on the floor with both legs curled under to one side, but elevated as if you were sitting on a stool next to the recliner except there is none, and I could have sworn I heard your voice. I turned and was startled that you were not there, and then startled at having expected you to be.  I knew what you said very clearly, a short sentence, when I "heard" it, but was so startled that I could not remember it when I recovered from the sensation of being startled.  I hope you have a great day.  For starters, one that does not send you racing for guns!

 

Carole writes Howie: 

 

Dear Howie,   I am honoured that you dream of me.  The seated position you describe is so typical of how I feel around you.  I wish to be close, yet I am always looking up to you in admiration.  The elevation would represent the way your kindness lifts me up and draws me in, ever closer to you.  What I said wouldn’t matter because words are soon forgotten.  It is how you felt that matters.  This is where I hope it went well because most people say I scare them half to death in their dreams.

 

I spend so much time on the road, looking at property, that I am always thrilled when I turn down a road I have never been before.  It is so rare.  Being so close to you is like discovering a new path.  I am really enjoying the scenery.  I am increasingly in awe of your humble attitude considering the scope of your knowledge, understanding, education and talent.  The poem was great.  I'd really like a digital copy if you don't feel it was too personal between you and Kit and Jeff.  Your delivery of it last night was excellent and I enjoyed seeing how you work a crowd with your charm.

 

It seems I have had to pry your education and career history out of you and I wonder if you hold back for fear of embarrassing me because I was a high school drop out and waitress?  Like everything else in my life, I am happy with the end result and can only credit the path even where it seemed off course.

 

I especially want to know who you are inside and how you came to be.  Being able to feel your goodness is not the same as being able to comprehend the complexity.  Perhaps it is your essence I feel.  That is a far more simple aspect that permeates all of the rest of who you are.  When you felt so vulnerable in my arms I described it from my perspective, as in letting go of that last breath, but I don't know how you experienced that, or if you can even put it in words.

 

I know, from the way I feel when we are making love, that it feels to me  like passing from a troubled earthly life, to the spirit realm, because I have experienced that release in past life regression.  When I am one with you I feel that transition to tranquility.  You hinted at the same sensation when you said the world ceases to matter.  I never really thought about sexual intimacy as being a foretaste, or a remembrance of, a more spiritual existence to this degree.  It is a beautiful morning!  Carole

 

Howie writes Carole:

 

I don't hesitate to reveal things because of your background.  I am genuinely in awe of what you have dealt with in your life and how much you have overcome to become who you are.  I could never have done it.  And in fact, I personally feel that without any of the advantages I have had of these diplomas you have accomplished far, far more than I have. 

 

I did not realize we had not talked about that part of my background.  Sometimes I avoid mentioning the infamous "Hahvad" Business School because I feel a little embarrassed because I

Howie Gets “Mushy”

 

(Photo of me is on our wedding day 11/2/2004)

 

Howie writes Carole:  20 Jan 2003 07:58:32 -0500

 

Carole, occasionally I write in a sort of diary or journal.  I wrote something last night that I'll repeat below and hit send quickly before I delete it.

 

I honestly do not think, throughout the entire history of the world, that any man has enjoyed sexually being with a woman more than I enjoyed being with this woman today.  I cannot imagine how it could be better.

 

Carole writes Howie: 

 

Dear Howie,  Timing is everything.  My heart was racing at reading your words.  I was trying to bring feelings into something that could be read.  I thought I saw a shadowy figure disappear around the back of the house, but couldn't tear myself from the keyboard to check it out.  Then the alarm went off because someone had entered the house, so I had to go check and since that has never happened, as you might imagine, my heart was now in my throat.  I rounded the corner to see the door ajar was the one right next to where my gun is and I didn't see anyway to get past the shadow of the intruder to the weapon.  Just as I turned to grab the keys to my truck where my other gun is located, I see a woman's hand stick a vacuum cleaner through the open door.  New maid.  Didn't know which door to use.  She is from Lithuania so I may never be able to explain which door and the alarm system.  Cute kid though.

 

Now, with trembling hands, I wish to thank you for sharing your heart with me this morning and even more so for the way you shared your soul with me yesterday afternoon.  I agree with your description of lovemaking being a way to join two spirits that are dwelling in separate chambers.  When you said I seemed to disappear yesterday I didn't know quite how to respond to that, because my feeling was of being intensely present.  Perhaps, at my most intense, I disappeared into you.  There was a glorious sensation of being one with you.  For me, that feeling lingers.  Once I have been a part of someone, I never feel fully separate from them again.  Because I admire your values and share many of your core beliefs, this is a rare opportunity for me to enjoy that connection.

 

You are welcome to join me at church any time.  There is no awkwardness to overcome.  I have known these people my entire life and they are very loving and accepting of me and they are always happy to see someone show an interest in his Creator.  I have never been one to stand around afterwards shaking hands and talking.  My father and I usually race each other to the parking lot, but a few people have made a career out of trying to snag us for just a moment.  One of my favourites is Charlie Bailey.  He is 92 and can still recite the Bible word for word.  He always kisses me.  His wife died from cancer last week and he is just lost without her.

 

The better classes (about evidences) right now are at the later services (7:30-8:30) in Carrollwood.  The "church" doesn't take a stand on approving or disapproving any practice.  It uses the Bible as the ultimate authority and believe me, I have been over it with a fine toothed comb looking for a loophole regarding my sex life and marriage options.  There is nothing in the Bible nor in the general beliefs of our members that indicates sex is bad.  On the contrary, the Bible urges men to marry so that they can satisfy their needs and concentrate their minds on spiritual matters.  If people knew how to be good partners to their mates, I think this mindset would probably prevail in any society.  I think people stray looking for fulfillment because we mistakenly think it is something you can find, rather than something we can create.

 

I didn't know about the Urban Legends web site.  That's great.  I don't pass on most of the nonsense that comes across my desk, but the hydroplaning just made sense and was something I had never thought about.  I saved the main site for future reference.

 

I will see you tonigh

“Love is a verb” - Howie

Howie writes Carole:  19 Jan 2003 21:01:50 -0500

 

We are having a little going away party next door tomorrow at 6pm for Kit and Jeff who you'll recall are moving to Hawaii.  Would love to have you join us if you can.

 

In Orlando Tuesday afternoon and evening.  The rest of my week is wide open right now - have a bunch of stuff to do but no set schedule.  Would enjoy seeing you as often as you would like this week for whatever activity you like - walk Bayshore, see or rent a movie, meal(s), read, day or evening, your place or mine.  Am simply at your service.  You name it.

 

You know you're getting old when you have no clue who the half time performers are at the football games, and are not sure what you are hearing is music.

 

Carole writes Howie At 07:45 PM 1/19/03 -0500:

 

Tuesday night at 6PM I host the Spay and Neuter meeting at the island.  Wednesdays at 7:00-8:00 or 7:30-8:30 depending on where I go, I have church.  Saturday my period is due to start and I have the No More Homeless Pets thing at the University from 9:30 till 2:00 and just for future reference, I have church on Sundays from 9:00 - 10:00 class and 10:00-11:00 worship and in the afternoon

either from 5-6 or 6-7 depending on which congregation I attend.

 

Howie writes Carole:  19 Jan 2003 22:15:31 -0500

 

Well, if I'm to pick, we've got Monday evening set (nothing to bring - all taken care of) and Tuesday we're both busy.  Since you are busy Wednesday in evening with church, would you like to do your roller blading that afternoon and come by for a shower, visit and early dinner before church?  And from there we could plan the remaining days before your discomfort time?

 

I'm happy to try this laser thing for you as long as you are sure I can do no harm if I do not do something right.  Will check the laser site tomorrow but perhaps when we visit you can tell me more.  Planning to have Dr. Dong look at leg Tuesday.  I'll see if I can "remote view" into those dreams.

 

Carole writes Howie At 09:44 PM 1/19/03 -0500:

 

Dear Howie,  I would be happy to meet with you and Kit and Jeff Monday at 6PM.  What should I bring?

 

Thank you for the info on Dr. Yang.  I have laser acupuncture that I wish to try, but would like to know what you think of her if you go.  I can reach all of the spots that need doing, I think, and I have done regular acupuncture enough to have a good feel for it.  If I can't relax and hold the laser in place, would you be willing to do it for me?  It is just light, so you can't do any harm.  I bought it for the cats, but there is a book for people too.  If the laser doesn't work, I will be wanting to see her next month.

 

If I am ever going to do anything but embarrass you with my ineptitude on the court, I will need your best reference and lots of practice.  Jamie is very athletic and hates to skate, so she can help bring me up to speed for you.  I used to play when I was a teenager.  My father had a powerful swing.  The ball would cut you in half if it made contact.  I am good at chasing cats, in ever changing directions,

while swinging those big wrought iron nets that you can catch a cougar in.  How hard could this be?  ;-)

 

 I am sorry to hear that you are expecting a long recovery on your calf, but not  too surprised given your description of the incident.  Want to try the laser?  McLaren Photonic Therapy ® (405) 767-0800 http://www.photonictherapy.com/

 

As for the rest of the week, I would like to make the most of it, since I will be likely not be good company for a week starting Saturday.  I love blading Bay Shore and could drop by before (less smelly, sweaty and "high") or afterward when I am already euphoric and on top of the world.  I ALWAYS enjoy a walk, but don't want to aggravate your leg.  I spend an inordinate amount of time eating so any time that works into your schedule I am much happier to have your company.  I don't wish to make a pest of myself.  I need to know how you prefer to structu

Returning to My Monogamous Nature

 

Carole writes Howie: 18 Jan 2003 09:20:07 EST Subject: I can do Honesty

 

Dear Howie,  If you are not turned off by pink hair, I'd love to come by Sunday and check out every department of the Howie Hug Shop.  I have church until 11:30 and then my monthly Volunteer Meeting until 1:30, so it would be after 2PM.  I have heard there is a ball game on that most of Tampa will be watching.  When does that start, so that I don't keep you from it?

 

I was born blonde, but when I got pregnant with my daughter it turned brown, like hers, and never did lighten back up.  I have tried to wear it dark, but it freaked me out every time I went past a mirror.  I love grey hair and have tried my entire life to find the colour closest to grey that I can dye mine.  Funny, they make all kinds of products to eliminate grey and none to cause it.  This stuff didn't look red on the box, nor in the description, but it definitely has a pink caste to it.  What is really funny about that is I always end up painting houses pink.  I like the adobe, cream colours and yet no matter what I pick, when I am done with the house, people refer to it as "the pink house".  Since most of my properties have been in low rent neighborhoods, that has actually been an advantage, but it was never my intention.   You don't want my help when you go to pick paint.

 

Today is a VERY happy day for me.  As soon as I woke up, to the sound of someone wanting in my gate, I came to see if there was any word from you.  As always, I am just in awe of your spirit.  Maybe you don't hear the rest of the universe audibly, like I do, but you certainly do at an intellectual level.  You get it.  It kind of reminds me of horses and masters.  When a horse knows you and understands you it anticipates your moves and seems to flow as one with you.  When a horse has just been exposed to a new rider, the new rider has to tell the horse and push the horse into what the rider wants.  We are both "horses".  I just have to be kicked and yelled at by the Master to get my attention.  You are already flowing with anticipation and understanding.

 

The people at the gate were the gunnite crew for the pool.  They ran over my water line and now I have a pool in the front yard AND the back yard.  No one speaks English (or French), so I just got in from pantomiming how to shut off the water.  It could have been worse.  I could have been in the middle of colouring my hair and been forced to go out in public to find a shower.  Or, worse yet, to

you.  Talk about seeing someone at their worst!

 

I never asked you about your past because it seems most people are very private.  As someone who has been alone a while, I know the underlying insinuation of "what is wrong with you?" when people ask why you are not married.  People always want to know why my husband would have left me and

not knowing if that was even the case I can never answer that.  As someone with a wild imagination, I have always found that the truth is far easier to take than not knowing.  I will always lay my cards on the table and if you find it offensive just tell me and I will play silently.

 

Before I hit send last night, "big Bob" called and apologized for "little Bob" acting out his emotions.  He said that to just walk away was to cut his nose off to spite his face.  He realized that his reason for coming to me initially was for guidance in the foreclosure market and he feels that together we can make a lot of money.  Our talents do compliment each other in such a manner that I believe that could be true.  He said that the sexual tension between us almost had to be handled the way it was in order to get it out of the way so that we can concentrate on business and not on wondering what the other would be like in bed.

 

He believes that in time I will be so enamoured with him that I wouldn't be able to be with anyone else, and that until that is true, he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with

Only Howie Cares For Me as a Person

Carole writes Howie:  

 

You just never cease to amaze me.  Even though I didn't sleep well, I didn't think well either.  I told Bob Solomon that I was coming to see you last night, and afterwards I called to tell him that I was undecided on what to do.  He couldn't believe that I could be on the fence about this and said he wanted to withdraw from our relationship.  This seems like a very strong reaction for a relationship that is only a week old, and feels for all the world as if I am being "played".  (Just tell someone they can't have something and they will knock themselves out to get it, whether they wanted it or not, sort of thing).

 

He went on and on about how I have deceived and hurt him and perhaps I am being arrogant, or am in self denial, but I don't think either is true.  Much of his appeal is in his passion and that could be all this is.  Regardless of what his next move is, I still feel confused and without direction.  This whole exercise has led me to know some of the things I don't want and has given me deeper insight into some of the qualities that are important to me in myself and others.  It has been humbling and I needed that.  Gotta be careful what you pray for.

 

This is just such a foreign state for me, I don't know how to deal with it.  I wish to let the dust settle around me, so that I can see clearly.  I cannot thank you enough for the way you have been.  You are so self-less and kind.  Your ability to step outside your own needs for me is truly remarkable.

 

Later that day to Howie:  

 

Dear Howie,  Don't worry about my tears, or agonizing, for that matter.  I cry easily, because I am easily touched.  When I don't cry in a situation that would usually warrant it (in my book) then I step back and wonder why.  I cried with you Tuesday night.  I broke up with everyone else I was seeing Wednesday, without a single tear.  Thursday I woke up crying over you and cried for 2 and 1/2 hours while writing to you.  I cried in your arms last night.  When Bob told me I had hurt him and mislead him, I was sad that he felt that way, but I didn't cry.  I thought maybe I was just cried out.  That happens.

 

This morning I needed to get some of my stuff out of his car.  (No, not earrings, paperwork)  He was much more calm and reasoned that God sent him to me with a message, the message was delivered, and that I shouldn't worry about having hurt him because it has only been a week and a good one at that.  He said that he had just gotten carried away with his emotions when he thought he had found what he has been looking for, but that he didn't need me enough to share me.  While I still feel a little of that reverse psychology in the air, it still should have touched me enough to make me cry, but didn't.  Incidentally, I did not feel that you were doing that when you asked me to go the other night.  Your rejection felt sincere.  That doesn't sound like a compliment, as I read it, but it is.

 

Later, I read your email and cried again, but now when I go deep inside I don't feel pain.  I feel a stillness, a peacefulness.  I believe that every thing happens for a reason and that everything is unfolding as it should.  Bob said he didn't know what that message was that he was involved in delivering, but I do.  My "plan" for protecting my heart didn't work.  The temporary sensation of not feeling was not fulfilling.  I cannot distract myself enough to stop feeling.  I can be swept off my feet, but not have any real depth of emotion, which causes me to wonder what the swept-off-my-feet thing is all about.  It's that thing that causes me to jump into their lives, rescue them and bring them home.  What IS that all about?   I will be on the road alone most of the day and perhaps the significance of these revelations will become clear.

 

I never think that what-might-have-been would have been better than what is.  I sometimes wonder how it might have been different, but don't recall e

I Broke Up With Six Men & Don’t Know What To Do About Howie

Dear Howie,  It's 5:30 a.m. and I have been praying for the last half hour about what to do regarding you and Bob Solomon and God isn't answering.  Not in any way that I can comprehend.  I keep hearing this primordial scream in my head; the kind that you never hope to hear nor express in a lifetime.  A scream of pain and fear, that doesn't seem to be mine.  I'm not sure what that is all about.  At any rate, that little voice kept telling me to come write you, so perhaps inspiration or at least a little clarity will ensue.

 

Honesty is so important to me and that is true whether the subject be complimentary or not.  The things I need to tell you may sound flattering or consolatory but that is not my intent.  If our roles had been reversed, I would want to know, "Why?"

 

You are more accomplished, more sincere, more intelligent, more gentle, more reliable, more peaceful, more giving, more settled, more secure, more realistic, more independent, better looking, taller, more fit, funnier, and a far superior lover to him.  (You are not allergic to cats) You are making your life count in ways that I admire deeply.  You have a way with people that is nothing short of miraculous.  You make me feel comfortable, loved, and accepted and I see that in the way you interact with those around you.  We have discussed the tranquility that you project, whether it feels foreign to you or not.  It feels so good to be near you.

 

I met Bob years ago, when he was referred to me by my live in lover Alan, regarding waterfalls and ponds for the cats.  The first time our eyes met, there was a recognition that exceeded anything I could understand at the time.  Later I performed a wedding for their mutual best friend Steve, and saw him again at the wedding.  I spent the afternoon hiding from him because I was still in a relationship with Alan and I didn't know how to deal with the feelings that overwhelmed me when our eyes met.  I broke up with Alan in October of 2001.

 

It was 2002 before I began to wake up to the world around me and began reading about things I had felt, but not understood, for years.  Just last month Bob came to the gate at Easy Street asking for me and the volunteer who met him told him to leave his name, number and the nature of his request.  The note said that he wanted to talk to me about a business opportunity and I put off calling him until last Thursday.  I figured he would be wanting me to invest in some harebrained scheme, or because he knew Alan had made several hundred thousand dollars from his time with me, so I wasn't in any hurry to see him.

 

Seeing him may have been the biggest mistake I will make this year, because that immediate connection was so apparent that neither of us could focus on the reason that he came, which was to ask me to help him with a client who wants to invest in commercial real estate.  Every word that falls from his lips sounds like it originated in my head.  A person could study me for 20 years and not understand me at the level that he does after only a hand full of brief encounters.  He hears voices and responds to them the same way I do.  He has an open line of communication with God that is heartfelt to the point of tears and laughter, just like mine.  He is empathetic, the same way I am, in that we "feel" people and take on their emotions as if they were our own.  His way of dealing with that is far healthier than mine.  We even share the same speech pattern of tone, enunciation and inflection.  I look at him and see me.  We are opposites in ways that will either compliment each other, or drive each other crazy.  That remains to be seen.

 

I had almost forced myself to date a lot of other men, so that I wouldn't fall for any one of them, including you.  I have never done that before and it felt horrible, cheap and unfulfilling but I didn't know how else to break the pattern of committing to one person and living to regret

Howie Writes After I’ve Told Him About Bob Solomon

Howie writes Carole: 15 Jan 2003 16:23:00 -0500 To: Carole

From: Howard Baskin  Subject: a few thoughts and wishes for you

 

I'm so used to getting an email from you the morning after our evenings that it was strange, albeit understandable, not to have one.  But I guess our situations are somewhat different today as you pursue an exciting new road while I regroup.  This is probably one of those emails that you hit send and then later wince and wonder why you sent it, but these thoughts have been circling though my mind today incessantly and very selfishly maybe the only way to make them stop is to send them to you.  I hope you don't mind.

 

With the many challenges you have faced and overcome, and the wonderful contribution you have made to the world in devoting yourself to the cats and the kindness you have shown other people that you have cared for, you more than anyone I can think of deserve happiness.  I really hope the man you described can do that for you.  I mean that very sincerely.  It sounds like there is something very unique there and I think it makes sense for you to follow your instincts and heart.

 

I believe one of my early emails to you pointed out that we had no way to predict the future and all we could really do was commit to be honest with each other.  You cannot imagine how much I value and respect the fact that you honored that.  It is very rare.  I must confess to feeling a bit silly, because I wrote it out of concern that you were getting too enthusiastic too quickly, not imagining that I would get upstaged by a rival.  (I'm actually smiling here for the first time today - I think this prediction matches my ability to predict stocks, eh?)

 

I'm sorry to have made you cry.  I don't know with the wine and the emotion I was feeling if I expressed myself very well. I hope you understand that it is the very good feelings I have for you that make the change in the situation not work for me.

 

You made many wonderful "minutes" for me in the last 10 weeks and nothing can ever take that away.  I was and continue to be in awe of the remarkable peace I found in your company and in your arms.  When I said "be friends" I meant it, assuming you would like that.  May need a little time first though.  And finally, .... I've owned that tool belt since 1972, wise guy!  Borrow it, indeed!  (Another smile).

 

With wonderful feelings for you that will outlast the sadness I feel now, Howie

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

I Take the Symptoms of Those I Touch

At 04:10 PM 1/8/03 -0500, Carole wrote Howie:

 

I just got in, and due to one appointment (the one with the Starkey's) running two hours over, it has thrown my entire schedule two hours late.  Just the stress of worrying that you will give me your cold is more than a weakened body needs to be dealing with.  The added effort of "entertaining" me seems self defeating.  I haven't had a cold in over 6 years, (I know because Don was still around) maybe longer, but I do take on the weakness and sometimes even the symptoms, of people that I touch.  It is gone in a few hours, but depending on their level of suffering can leave me quite debilitated until I have time to meditate and shake it off.  Since you are not last on my list of things to do today, there isn't much sense in me taking that chance, when it isn't good for either of us.

 

Tuesday sounds like fun.  I put it on my calendar.  Update me with when and what to wear.  I love lesbians.  Every one that I have known was smart, beautiful, hard working and devoted.  I might have been one if not for my public awareness for how that could negatively impact my family, Jamie especially, and WOES.  One of my most satisfying relationships was with my "wife" Mary.  That is what she called herself, although we weren't lovers.  In retrospect, I don't know why we weren't.   She did my cooking, cleaning, shopping and took care of the kids, the house and the office.

 

Let me know when you are feeling better and if there is anything I can do for you in the meanwhile. 

 

08 Jan 2003 16:40:32 -0500 To: Carole 

From: Howard Baskin  Subject: Re: tonight

 

Fortunately I've continued to feel nothing more than a scratchy swollen throat and low energy, maybe because I've thrown most of Nature's Harvest Market into my body in the last 24 hours and made a point to nap a bunch.  I was just about to get my tool belt on in preparation of your visit :-).  However, for your health as well as your scheduling stress it is better to do a rain check.

 

You continue to come with such fascinating new wrinkles to your thinking and past.  And that within the context of a level of openness that I don't think I have ever seen anyone match.  It occurred to me today that one of the reasons you think I'm so peaceful is that your company seems to make me that way.

 

My friends were talking about a new Mediterranean restaurant on Westshore.  Not sure of time yet, but try to resolve so you can plan.  Please do not feel you have to violate the diet.  If you like, you could eat here first and then nibble from my plate or not eat at all at the restaurant.  Totally up to you.  No one will think about it. - Howie

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.