What do you serve to a Broadway producer who barges into your podcast taping planning to kidnap you and then force you into a life of indentured servitude in the theater? The answer, as we learn on this episode of Dan Wakes Up Screaming, is a small sherry with an olive in it.

James Taylor drops in at one point as well, and Fed provides a hot tip on how to get someone from Long Island to do something. Hint: print a custom Penny Saver that has an ad for free jet skis in it.

Also! We play the Teen Topix! game (spelling mine), and later discuss Dan's crippling dependence on donuts, which leads into a conversation about the Atkins diet craze of the late nineties. And as if that weren't enough, there is some swordplay in the third act. It is a magical evening.

More importantly, go read David Crabb's newly released memoir, called Bad Kid! It was written by a very nice man who Fed and Dan had the privilege of working with in the past.

Other shout outs include our three hundredth Twitter follower, @podcastdan, and defunct Annapolis punk legends Pee Tanks. Finally, Dan does a very unflattering imitation of Andy Kaufman. Nice job, @podcastdan and Pee Tanks. Bad job, Andy Kaufmann.

Music Credits:

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“Miami Call” by Herr Doktor

“Meet Me On The Dancefloor” by Track Jackit

Dan's kids have lice, Fed's starting a cult, and Brian is convinced that he is too talented for Broadway. It's the fifteenth episode of Dan Wakes Up Screaming! This is also our thirtieth podcast in total, so depending on your outlook this is either our Quinceanera or our Logan's Run.

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

"Stealing the Night" by iamMANOLIS

“Louse Sensitivity (feat. Tobias Schmidt)” by Deft Aphid

“Apple Core” by Learning Music

“Japanese Plankton” by Eat Rabbit

“Otterman” by Ergo Phizmiz

Dan recently cancelled his subscription to cable television, which means that this podcast is probably doomed, because we can't even picture Dan without access to CoziTV. If you see a very thin and panicky fellow trying to rent Murder She Wrote tapes at the library, that's probably Dan. May God have mercy on his soul, and please enjoy episode 14.2 of Dan Wakes Up Screaming.

Music Credits:

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“Miami Call” by Herr Doktor

“Ride My Tempo” by Fhernando

“Kiss The Goat” by Best Friends!

“Peace, Wiseguys!” by U Can Unlearn Guitar

“best friends 4eva” by Toxic Lipstick

“Too Thirsty To Drink Water” by Karl Blau

“Digital Face Melter” by Glass Candy X Texture

In the not-too-distant future, podcasters will be replaced by sexy androids. Probably. Episode fourteen of Dan Wakes Up Screaming offers a terrifying glimpse of the coming dystopia.

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“Ride My Tempo” by Fhernando

“The Laundry Room” by itchidan

“23 is hunting me” by Popeye Experience

“Open Up Your Eyes” by Still Pluto

The fellows collaborate on a genre fiction series that will be available in airport bookstores near you, Dan's clone/single white female shows up, and a particularly eventful day in history is marked. Lucky episode thirteen is in the can.

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“So Close” by Herr Doktor

“(I Need Ya) L.O.V.E” by Fhernando

"It's Time for an Adventure” by No Loli-Gagging

“Doppelganger” by Altered:Carbon & Kendall WA

“Bus Stop” by Simon Panrucker

“Torture Garden” by Pee Wee Ass Vs Dee Dee Puss

“Dog Star” by Distemper

The epic trilogy continues: first the fellows meet another local artisan of the burgeoning maker culture, and then Dan shares a heartwarming story in which he achieves all that his parents ever wanted for him, at a shopping mall fashion show.

Music Credits:

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“So Close” by Herr Doktor

“(I Need Ya) L.O.V.E” by Fhernando

“Snowy Daze” by Ketsa

“My Dog's Got No Nose” by Listen With Sarah

“BIKE SONG” by Rose For Bohdan

“Psycho Love” by El Jugador

Image Credit:

Pretzel Bike, 2013, Catherine Ahearn (via joshuaabelow.blogspot.com)

Dan showed up to this evening's session wearing glasses and sporting an iPhone. He looked like an art director, but all that gravitas evaporated when his selection for the music segment turned out to be "Jacob's Ladder" by Huey Lewis and the News. Please enjoy this first segment of the epic marathon session that is episode thirteen.

Music Credits:

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“...with eyes so true” by FLT RSK

“Iphone” by Starring

“Get Your Damn Hands off My Synthesizer” by The Polish Ambassador

“First Time” by Soft Circle

It could happen, people.

Season Two continues with a special guest, and a new "Day in History" segment which Dan described as "a train wreck... but it's short!" Also we go on for awhile about Lisa Loeb, which, can you believe that hasn't happened yet?

Music Credits:

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“So Close” by Herr Doktor

“(I Need Ya) L.O.V.E” by Fhernando

“Backed Vibes Clean” by Kevin MacLeod

“Nova” by Vlasta Popić

“Walter's Wonderland” by Matt Oakley

Apparently it is "Lustmord." Anyway, Season Two continues with another new episode.

Music credits:

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“Alabama Chicken” by Sean Hayes

“Messy Love” by Another Day On Earth

“Upside Down” by Oblivian Substanshall

Dan and Fed spend much of this Baltika-fueled evening preparing for the annual celebration of Marchington. What's Marchington, you ask? Oh my God, are Dan and Fed happy that you asked. Brian is for the most part without comment on the subject.

Other topics discussed: the death of God, the over-celebration of the Greatest Generation, and how the Aztecs, overall, had things pretty much right.

“Many Happy Returns” by Guillaume Tucker

“Say It!” by Spiedkiks

“Meet Me By The Garbage Can” by Waylon Thornton and the Heavy Hands

“You will die” by Retrigger

“Suck a Cheetah's Dick” by uncuT

“Marching To Hell” by Aktivehate

“Holiday” by Silence Is Sexy

“Big Head” by Orthotonics

“divorced fathers and sons all stars” by alright lover