The drama surrounding Jess Hilarious’s controversial comments about who can have babies and her subsequent firing from the Ms. Pat Settles It show is the main event on the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast. Host Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the fallout, offering an unfiltered look at why Jess’s actions continue to generate massive backlash within the queer community.

🛑 Why Jess Hilarious Can’t “Shut The F**k Up”

Jess Hilarious first sparked controversy with her “who’s looking out for black women?” debacle , and then doubled down with the scientifically inaccurate “only women can have babies” message on The Breakfast Club. This led to her getting fired from The Ms. Pat Show, a conversation that was later discussed by Ms. Pat and the show’s queer creator, Jordan E. Cooper, on The Breakfast Club.

Jai argues that Jess keeps putting her “foot in her mouth” because controversy is her “whole shtick,” even suggesting it’s the reason she keeps her job at The Breakfast Club.

🏳️‍🌈 The Real Power in the Room

A central theme of the episode is the immense, often unseen, power of Black queer people in the entertainment industry. Jai emphasizes a critical truth: “The gays run s**t”.

* If you offend all queer people with “dumb s**t,” you will get “booted”.

* There’s always a queer person in charge, be it the producer, writer, publicist, or executive producer.

* Jordan E. Cooper, the queer creator of The Ms. Pat Show and Ms. Pat Settles It, is a perfect example of this influence.

Jai’s message is clear: You “never win when you’re on the wrong side of queer culture”. The vast majority of Black queer culture is “aligned against Jess Hilarious” for her repeated offenses.

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Jai the Gentleman, dive into some seriously taboo topics: the little lies we tell ourselves, the journey to happiness, and, of course, dating horror storie.

This episode, we’re reacting to a harsh critique of gay culture that claims the Black gay community has turned “liberation into a members-only club”. The critique highlights exclusion based on masculinity, fitness, skin tone, and designer labels.

Are We Really “Trash”?

I challenge the idea that our culture is “trash.” While acknowledging that fatphobia, femmephobia, transphobia, and homophobia are real and exist even among queer people , I assert that if all you see is trash, you’re choosing to stay in the “trash part of the pool”.

As Black gay men, we have the freedom to pick and choose the rules by which we govern ourselves. We are elite , we are culture, we are art, and we are magic. If we focus on the greatness, we will receive it back. You can always move to the “metaphorical suburbs of gay culture”.

Dating, Intentions, and the Atlanta Check-In

We also break down a dating segment from Hopeless Romantic Society, which features what I call the “most Atlanta date” ever —complete with questions about credit score, homeownership, and health insurance tier.

I discuss the importance of checking a man’s intention early in the relationship. Life speaks to you first in whispers, and we need to listen to those subtle signs, like a low integrity of word, instead of just waiting for huge red flags.

Ultimately, the gworls just want to be loved, but love is hard when you’re carrying unresolved issues. When you find a Black man to love you, and your puzzle pieces fit, you can’t beat that.

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This episode of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman tackles two sensitive but vital issues for the Black queer community: grieving a polarizing figure and the complicated discussion around trans identity.

🕊️ Remembering Michael Hurd: Yes King, Pastor, and Man

The community lost Michael Hurd, also known as Love and Light TV or Yes King, who passed away suddenly at 47. Michael was a prominent Black gay man, a father, and an entrepreneur who sparked conversations about spirituality and sexuality, having transitioned from a pastor/prophet to an adult content creator.

Reacting to Nico’s Aesthetics’ commentary, Jai addresses the disrespectful way many remembered Michael—by his viral catchphrases like “you digging in me”. Jai argues that while content creators must take responsibility for the brand they build (often highly sexualized), it does not excuse the public’s dehumanization of them in death. Michael Hurd was survived by his two people who he called husbands and his daughter, showing he was much more than his work.

🏳️‍⚧️ Passability and the Non-Binary Conundrum

The episode begins with a spicy reaction to podcaster Cherry thee Boom, who suggested that trans people who are “in transition” should feel uncomfortable using public facilities, implying a distinction between being in transition and a “trans woman”.

This launched a challenging conversation: How important is “passing” to us as external cisgender parties? While Jai acknowledges the importance of passability for safety reasons , he and the chat struggle to grasp the concept of non-binary identity, particularly when it feels like gendered behaviors are being ascribed to feelings (like dominance and submission).

Ultimately, Jai concludes that while he will acknowledge and respect everyone’s pronouns, for true connection, there needs to be a deeper level of understanding beyond mere acceptance.

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This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

On this episode of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman tackles two viral topics: the toxic truth about dating apps for Black gay men and the ever-controversial question of white presence in Black spaces.

📱 Dating Apps: Good for What?

We often say the dating pool is trash, but Jai argues we really mean the “app dating pool is trash”. Why is it such a struggle? The app landscape is split into three main groups:

* People looking for genuine love.

* People only looking to hook up.

* The majority in the middle who are okay with either, leading to unclear or too many intentions that make the app experience feel terrible.

As one creator highlighted, the apps are filled with questionable profiles—faceless pics and people who claim, “Nah, this is my only picture”. Jai and the chat agreed that the apps are good for getting sex, or perhaps a barber and weed when you’re out of town, but love is a tougher catch.

🚪 White People in Black Queer Spaces: The Gatekeeping Debate

The second half of the show dives into the conversation from the Surface Level Podcast episode, “The Blue-Eyed Soul: Can white gay men truly belong in black queer spaces?”. Jai makes it clear that he’s “all for gatekeeping blackness and black spaces”, preferring to create spaces welcoming to specific people who “look and walk and talk” like him.

The challenge is the concept of “belonging.” As one listener put it, “White gays don’t have culture or cultural awareness,” and they often show “entitlement” in Black spaces. For Jai, a Black space loses its vibe when whiteness is present, creating pressure to “code switch” and censor conversations.

Ultimately, for many in the chat, the home, the studio, and the car are safe spaces where “whiteness is not welcome”.

Are you tired of the app trash? Let us know: Are the dating apps yay or nay?

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We’re diving deep into a topic that sparks major conversation in our community: masc for masc culture and the complexities of preference, identity, and stigma.

Host Jai the Gentleman kicks off the episode by sharing his own preference for “girly boys” and feminine men, playfully stating, “nothing is too feminine for me”. He admits to being “the drama” for feeling that gay men who are “masculine all the time” are “fighting against something”. He’s clear that he loves men who express in every version of manliness, especially those who have a “yes b***h” in them.

The conversation then heats up as Jai reacts to a creator who explains why he doesn’t date “girly boys”. This leads to an intense chat about:

* Masculinity and its Evolution: Jai argues that the definition of masculinity differs across generations.

* The “Masc for Masc” Debate: Discussion around whether liking masculinity assumes one is masculine, and the attraction of feminine men to “trade” or DL (Down Low) men.

* Stigma and Privilege: The argument of whether advocating for the masculine is necessary, given the social privilege associated with masculine presentation, versus the stigma and femme phobia experienced by feminine and trans men.

Callers and commenters share their perspectives, touching on the idea of masc shaming, the need to affirm all Black queer men, and the importance of supporting “strong friends” who present as masculine but may be struggling. Ultimately, the episode underscores the beauty and complexity of Black gay identity and expression, reminding us all that every story “makes mine valid”.

Tune in to hear the full, raw conversation! Don’t forget, a portion of your Super Chats and memberships goes to worthy causes helping black queer people.

Would you like me to find out more about any of the upcoming shows mentioned, such as the conversation about raw sex on November 19th?

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

The latest episode of the “Dear Black Gay Men Podcast” dives headfirst into the hot-button topic of the “top-tier man” in gay culture. Host Jai the Gentleman kicks off the discussion by reacting to a SaySoTV video that identified a man as “tall, dark, and fluid” and “top-tier”. Jai questions the widely held assumption that a “top-tier man” is simply a “heterosexual man that likes other men,” suggesting this ideal is often “hetero adjacent” and “straight acting”.

Jai’s personal preference leans toward a “regular, degular man” , expressing his desire for authenticity and flaws—like morning breath and bed head. He champions the idea that the “sexiest part about gay men is how we blend all these things together,” embracing both masculinity and femininity.

The episode also tackles deeper topics like sexual identity and relationship dynamics. Jai argues that what you call your sexuality, such as “gay” or “pansexual,” is deeply personal and should be the language that “feels like home” to you.

In the “Church Announcements” segment, Jai shares his five biggest lies about dating:

* The Dating Pool Has Piss in It: You attract what you are or what you believe.

* Good Men Are Hard to Find: Check your friend circle.

* All I Need Is a Crib, a Car, and a Job: Basic is never enough—be valuable.

* I’m Easy to Date: Being an easy catch attracts low-effort men.

* Mr. Right Will Find Me: Intention is the difference between patient and lazy.

Jai later reflects on the challenge older Black gay men face: having extensive experience in hookup culture but lacking experience in emotional love and fidelity. He urges listeners to be as bold in expressing emotional desires as they are in expressing sexual ones.

Listen to the full episode of the “Dear Black Gay Men Podcast” for candid talk, community insights, and the drama.

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The latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast with Jai The Gentleman dove headfirst into the nuanced world of dominance, submission, and the sticky dynamics of dating in the black queer community.

The central conversation explored the concept of the “good boy”, and how subs prefer to be handled in black queer culture. Based on a poll of 20 self-professed “good boys,” the results were split:

* Bratty Subs: Seven men preferred a Dom who would “put them in their place” and actively dominate them.

* Willing Subs: Seven were naturally submissive and eager to earn the “good boy” title.

* Mixed Bag: Six varied, depending on their partner.

Jai, a self-identified soft dom, prefers a willing and eager sub, noting that for him, earning the “good boy” title extends far beyond sex and requires a relationship rapport. He emphasizes that a dom must provide a valuable reward, emotionally and physically, in return for “good boy” behavior.

The conversation then shifted to a viral story discussed by Nico’s Aesthetics, leading to a critical question: When does persistence cross the line into harassment?. The host and the chat discussed how intense, even obsessive, behavior (like showing up uninvited) is a toxic display of insecurity, often rooted in a deep, unmet desire to be seen, loved, and valued—a story sadly common among black gay men.

Catch the replay for the full kiki, and let us know—are you a bratty sub or a willing sub?

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We had to put the dating talk aside for a night because, frankly, the times are serious. Election Day (November 4th) is right around the corner, and the stakes couldn’t be higher. We were honored to have Dakarai Larriett, candidate for Alabama’s open U.S. Senate seat, join us in The Backroom to talk about fighting hopelessness, confronting political gridlock, and what it truly means to step up when your community needs you.

This is a must-read if you’re tired of the noise and ready to talk about the issues that actually impact Black gay lives.

“I’ve Had It With The Girls That Aren’t Voting”

We kicked off the episode with the political frustration we all feel, and I had to be honest: I’m absolutely fed up with the folks who are sitting out Election Day. As Dakari pointed out, a major issue in this country is a lack of basic civics knowledge.

* The Trump Distortion: The former president takes up so much space, distracting from the core issues that affect us all.

* The Long Game: Republicans are playing it, defunding schools and stacking courts, leading to catastrophic repercussions we don’t fully understand until it’s too late.

* The Buyer’s Remorse: Things are happening that were either actively or tacitly approved by those who voted for the former President or, worse, chose not to vote at all.

If you didn’t vote, you need to hear this. As Jai says, “We’ve got to help people understand the repercussions of their decisions”.

Driving While Black and Gay: The Catalyst for Change

Dakari Lariat’s commitment to public service comes from two decades of advocacy, but his Senate run received a fire-fueled motivator from a horrifying personal experience: his own false arrest in Michigan.

* The Incident: While driving, Lariat was stopped, subjected to sobriety tests in the cold, and ultimately gaslit throughout the night.

* The Homophobia: Troopers allegedly used homophobic slurs, stating his car and him “smelled fruity”.

* The Fallout: Despite testing negative for alcohol, he was jailed and accused of drug trafficking by way of ingestion, forcing him to use the restroom in front of booking officers.

* The Legislation: This experience inspired Lariat to draft the Motorist Bill of Rights to protect all citizens from the arbitrary discretion of law enforcement, especially while traveling.

Lariat believes the U.S. Senate is the best place to overturn things like expanded qualified immunity (which protects law enforcement from their behavior).

“We Belong in Every Room”: An Openly Queer Candidate in the Deep South

Running as a Black, gay Democrat in Alabama might seem like a political death wish, but Lariat is leaning into his identity and disrupting the political playbook.

* The Strategy: His team initially wanted to keep his identity “muted”16. Now, they’ve decided to lead with it, sending a “coming out text message” campaign that included his magazine covers. The result? They raised the most money they had ever raised in a single day.

* The Red State Myth: Lariat doesn’t believe Alabama is inherently “red”—he believes it is gerrymandered and suppressed18. His dream is for people to come out and vote based on their interests, not their party tradition.

* The Mission: Lariat affirms that when you fight for the marginalized, everybody wins. He is committed to fighting issues like the attempt to revoke a gay establishment’s licenses over a drag show, using both empathy and financial arguments (”You’re going to hurt your own economy”) to rally support.

Dakari Lariat is running on competence and a 20-year history of public service, proving that political leadership is just a room full of normal folks—and we absolutely belong at the table.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Action Steps & Next Time

We need more voices like Dakari Lariat. He’s working to make sure our community is represented in rooms where we’ve never had a seat (we’ve never had an openly gay man in the U.S. Senate, period).

* Learn More: Find more about Dakari Lariat’s platform and the Motorist Bill of Rights at his website, DakariLariat.com.

* Educate Yourself: Use resources like Ballotpedia and Vote.gov to know exactly who and what is on your ballot, from the top of the ticket to local ordinances.

* Get Out The Vote: November 4th is the big day, but early voting is happening now.

Don’t forget to wear your “I Voted” sticker.

Would you like the full list of Election Day essentials discussed on the show?

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Are Black Gay Men Actively Choosing to Stay Single?

On a recent episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, we dove deep into a question that’s been bubbling: Why are so many eligible Black gay men opting for “chosen singleness” instead of cuffing up? The answers might surprise you, but they definitely hit home.

The Big Experiment: Crib, Car, and a Job

Host Jai The Gentleman interviewed 20 eligible Black single men, defining “eligible” as having a crib (paying rent/mortgage), a car (access to transportation), and a job (a reliable way to pay bills). More than half of these men chose to stay single, and their reasons were consistent.

Here’s why these bachelors are choosing the solo life:

* Men Play Too Many Games: A shocking 15 out of 20 men cited unhealed trauma from a previous relationship as their main reason for avoiding dating altogether. The hurt is real, and the defense mechanism is thick.

* Dating is Expensive... and Unequal: Ten of the men felt that Black gay men expect way more than they offer. One bachelor put it plainly: “Gay men expect steak dinners, but they order their steak well done” (meaning, they don’t appreciate the value).

* The Vulnerability Veto: Six of the men acknowledged that dating requires a level of emotional vulnerability that many men simply can’t handle. It’s tough to date when a guy “doesn’t go to therapy, they aren’t self-aware, or they’re not emotionally available”.

Toxic Love and the “B******t” Trap

The conversation then took a turn toward the painfully relatable: the allure of toxic relationships, reacting to a commentary about the tumultuous and documented breakup of a YouTube couple, Dondre and Chris. Jai mused that some of us are tragically addicted to toxicity. Being in a dramatic, on-again-off-again cycle can feel like a sign of investment or care, even when it’s clearly not.

The main takeaway? We gotta learn to trust our gut. If something feels off, it is off. You don’t need to play detective or wait for absolute proof to protect your peace.

Stepping Out of “Chosen Singleness”

So, how do we get out of this self-imposed single box? It all comes down to intention. Instead of passively waiting for a man to “stumble into your life” or leaving the “door open” for a connection without effort, true happiness requires work, vulnerability, and being your best, most authentic self before your man arrives.

If you want the full story on how Jai got out of the dating pool, comment “dating” below! And be sure to check out the full episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast.

What’s your take? Are you in your era of chosen singleness, or are you actively looking for love? Let us know in the comments!

Want more deep dives on Black queer life, love, and culture? Subscribe to the Substack for exclusive content!

Would you like me to find the link for Jai’s Substack blog for the full story?

Absolutely! Here is the link to the Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack, where you can find all the dating stories and deeper conversations:

* Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack

On the Substack, you can read more of Jai the Gentleman’s insights, including his personal dating blog, and topics on commitment, sex, and love in the Black queer community.

Would you like to explore any of the three reasons men are choosing to stay single in more detail?

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In this unfiltered and necessary conversation, host JAI The Gentleman dives headfirst into the hot-button issues shaking the Black queer community: the toxic allure of the “DL Whisperer” and the explosive viral video on “fragile masculinity.” This is the deep-dive talk every Black gay man and our allies need to hear about honesty, safety, and cultural responsibility in dating.

In This Must-Listen Episode, We Tackle:

* The DL Whisperer & “Clocking Trade”: JAI reacts to the backlash against the now-banned “DL Whisperer” on TikTok, a figure who offered “tools” to expose Down Low men. The conversation shifts to the difficulty of “clocking trade” or DL men in 2025, where “everybody’s a little bit gay, or everybody looks a little bit gay”.

* The Root Cause of DL Culture: JAI argues that the Down Low phenomenon isn’t just about men being “greedy”; it exists because the culture these men would come out to is not safe. We explore the urgent question: Do queer people have a responsibility to help those still inside the closet?

* The Fragile Masculinity Debate: Hear JAI’s reaction to the viral story of “Donnie” and the straight man who respectfully ended a date upon learning Donnie was a man. JAI challenges the idea of labeling the man’s respectful withdrawal as “fragile masculinity,” arguing that he “demonstrated so much evolution” and showed “intentionality”. Is rejecting someone you’re not attracted to—even respectfully—now a sign of fragile masculinity?

* Attraction: Beyond the Vibe: We challenge the idea that attraction is “just energy”. JAI asserts that true, lasting attraction for a relationship is a mix of both “vibe” and “physical anatomy”.

* Trans People, Privilege, and Paving the Way: JAI shares powerful insights on the difference having trans people in your life can make, arguing that they often get “bad PR” that is unfairly directed at trans women. He reminds the community that our current freedoms are built “on the backs of trans women who do not have the privilege of being a man”.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Why Black Gay Men Need to Hear This:

This episode is your weekly dose of short, “b******t-free” therapy and truth. It’s a reminder of “how dope it is to be black gay men who love black gay men”, and a necessary conversation about the cultural dynamics—femme phobia, slut-shaming, and toxic expectations—that continue to make queer life harder than it needs to be.

Join the Conversation & Support the Show!

* Follow JAI The Gentleman on Instagram and Threads: @JAITheGentleman.

* Read JAI’s Dating Blog on Substack.

Don’t miss this essential episode for every Black queer man navigating love, identity, and the journey to happiness!

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