In this episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, Jai the Gentleman is digging into a story that has completely taken over our timelines: the tragic passing and alleged identity erasure of Girl Lala.

From Identity Erasure to “Robust Bottoms”

Before getting into the heavy stuff, Jai highlights a new favorite creator, Denzel Kanan, who has been dropping gems about sexual dynamics from a “bottom’s perspective”. Whether it’s discussing aftercare or what it really means when someone says “put me through the mattress,” Jai explores how our bedroom behavior reflects our cultural treatment of one another.

The Erasure of Girl Lala

The main event, however, is the devastating news surrounding Girl Lala, a prominent Black trans creator allegedly shot by her boyfriend. The real “fiasco” started after her death, as her father reportedly began using her massive platform to deadname and misgender her.

Key takeaways from the discussion:

* The Power of Tribe: Jai and T.S. Madison question where her “tribe” was during her abusive relationship.

* Legal Protection: In queer culture, our “unofficial” family units often lack the paperwork (wills, trusts, power of attorney) needed to advocate for us when we’re gone.

* The Mirror of Self-Respect: Jai poses a hard truth—the world reflects the respect we have for ourselves. If we don’t do the due diligence to respect our own identities legally and socially, we leave space for others to disrespect us.

Don’t Get Memorialized in a Lie

Don’t let your truth be squandered. Whether it’s updating your living documents or building a solid support system, protect your legacy.

Next Up: Join us Thursday at 9 p.m. Eastern as we talk to Nathan Hale Williams (producer of Dirty Laundry) about Black queer representation.

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In the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, Ja9 the Gentleman dives deep into the conversation currently taking over the timeline: the IAmZoie situation. As videos resurface allegedly showing the prominent creator in inappropriate exchanges with underage men, our community is divided on what accountability actually looks like.

Power, Clout, and the “Apology Tango”

With over 6 million followers, Zoie is a massive figure in mainstream spaces, from Wild ‘N Out to global stages. But as a Black gay man, does he have a responsibility to the community that “held him up” before he crossed over?

The chat didn’t hold back. Many listeners expressed that:

* Forced accountability is problematic: True change should be proactive, not a reaction to public pressure once “the girls set your feet on fire”.

* The Power Dynamics: Followers are currency. Powerful creators can manipulate those with less clout who are just “down for the come-up”.

* Right is Right: Regardless of the year (2018) or the context, sexualizing minors is never a gray area.

Are There Real Consequences?

Jai questions if “Internet fame” is a shield. Even if Zoie loses half his followers, he still has more reach than most of his peers. Will he stay “booked and busy” while the community forgets in six months?

What’s Coming Up Next?

We aren’t stopping here. Make sure to tune in for our upcoming episodes:

* Wednesday: Discussing the passing of Girl Lala and the social media backlash surrounding her memorial.

* Thursday: A full-circle moment with producer Nathan Hale Williams (Dirty Laundry) and Marcus Wilson to discuss Black gay representation in media.

Want more b******t-free talk? Join the DBGM family on Substack to join the private chat and get exclusive dating advice that helped Jai find love.

Would you like me to draft a list of social media captions to help promote this blog post?

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On this episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast where we dive into the explosive documentary, Sean Combs: The Reckoning. Join Jai the Gentleman as he unpacks the fall of a Black culture icon and asks the tough questions about integrity, business, and big visions.

🚨 The Reckoning: What the Doc Alleges

The four-part Netflix series, executive produced by Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and directed by Alexandria Stapleton, chronicles Diddy’s career from his start at Uptown Records through his recent legal troubles. Jai and the chat discuss the shocking allegations that Diddy was involved in:

* The murders of Tupac and Biggie.

* The death and tragedy that allegedly fueled his superstardom, including the nine lives lost at a celebrity basketball game he promoted.

* The alleged sexual violation of countless women and men.

💡 Big Visions vs. Bad Business

The conversation shifts from celebrity scandals to lessons for the community. Jai emphasizes the importance of integrity in Black gay business. Citing Diddy and others, he stresses that success must be built on honesty:

* Pay people well and on time. Black businesses often struggle with poor practices, leading to talent leaving for better opportunities.

* Maintain integrity and avoid blurred lines. Jai points out that issues of abuse of power can play out even in Black queer spaces.

* Have a Big Vision! While Diddy and others were “fucked up how they pursued that vision,” they fundamentally aimed for something monumental, a mindset Jai encourages the Black gay community to adopt in business and in love.

💬 Hookup Culture Hot Take

Jai also sparks a viral debate on gay hookup protocol, asking: Should you log onto the apps after you’re fully prepped, or risk a wasted shower and a missed connection?

Tune in for the full discussion on this monumental doc and what it teaches us about our culture, business practices, and relationships.

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Jai the Gentleman dives deep into some challenging and necessary conversations, navigating the complexities of race, sexuality, and community with his trademark blend of honesty and fire. The episode, titled “White People S**t,” centers on the realities faced by Black gay men today.

The Comfort Conundrum

The show kicks off with a provocative question: Would you rather be the lone gay person in an all-Black hetero space (like a family Thanksgiving) or the lone Black face in an all-queer white space? The chat was split, leading to a crucial discussion about navigating predominantly straight Black environments versus predominately white queer ones. Jai shares how getting older gave him the confidence to stop shrinking and moving through life as a “one life gay” man—the same everywhere he goes.

Conversion and Kink: The Race Play Debacle

Jai then shifts to reacting to a reel featuring a white gay man who claims, “Jesus is all the man I need” and “No, I will not date a boy,” framing it as a modernized version of conversion ideology. He connects this to the problematic idea that Black people have historically been told they are “not good enough” unless they change.

The main story tackles the shocking case of “Big C,” a creator who built an OnlyFans empire on degrading Black and brown people through race play and racial slurs. Jai critiques insecure “doms” who confuse providing things with earning the right to lead, a flaw that leads to abuses of power, both in sexual scenes and real life.

Catch the full episode for more on these essential discussions, World AIDS Day observations, and a fun list of things the gays do that straights “just can’t handle”.

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The latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast tackles a question burning up the timelines: Is the dating pool really trash, or are we, the daters, the drama? Host Jai the Gentleman dives deep into this topic, reacting to the recent vlog, “32 and Dating is Trash,” by vlogger DearDondre.

Jai and the chat audience explored the complexities of finding love and happiness, especially as Black gay men. Dondre, whom Jai affirms as attractive and having the best of intentions, often struggles to navigate the dating scene, even in a city like Houston, which Jai calls “the Atlanta of the other side of the South”. Dondre’s story, including paying for a man to fly out to see him and his complicated on-again, off-again relationship with an ex, sparked a lively conversation.

The community weighed in on the “three-strikes rule” for reaching out to someone you’re interested in, before calling it quits. Jai shared his own dating history, noting that sometimes the heart’s desire to be loved can “trump logic every single time”.

Ultimately, Jai concluded that while every “pool has piss in it” (meaning the dating pool does have problems ), if you acknowledge you’re standing in the “pissy part” and don’t move, then you are the problem. The path to healthier dating involves confronting your own unhealed trauma.

The underlying constant? We all just want to be loved.

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The drama surrounding Jess Hilarious’s controversial comments about who can have babies and her subsequent firing from the Ms. Pat Settles It show is the main event on the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast. Host Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the fallout, offering an unfiltered look at why Jess’s actions continue to generate massive backlash within the queer community.

🛑 Why Jess Hilarious Can’t “Shut The F**k Up”

Jess Hilarious first sparked controversy with her “who’s looking out for black women?” debacle , and then doubled down with the scientifically inaccurate “only women can have babies” message on The Breakfast Club. This led to her getting fired from The Ms. Pat Show, a conversation that was later discussed by Ms. Pat and the show’s queer creator, Jordan E. Cooper, on The Breakfast Club.

Jai argues that Jess keeps putting her “foot in her mouth” because controversy is her “whole shtick,” even suggesting it’s the reason she keeps her job at The Breakfast Club.

🏳️‍🌈 The Real Power in the Room

A central theme of the episode is the immense, often unseen, power of Black queer people in the entertainment industry. Jai emphasizes a critical truth: “The gays run s**t”.

* If you offend all queer people with “dumb s**t,” you will get “booted”.

* There’s always a queer person in charge, be it the producer, writer, publicist, or executive producer.

* Jordan E. Cooper, the queer creator of The Ms. Pat Show and Ms. Pat Settles It, is a perfect example of this influence.

Jai’s message is clear: You “never win when you’re on the wrong side of queer culture”. The vast majority of Black queer culture is “aligned against Jess Hilarious” for her repeated offenses.

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Jai the Gentleman, dive into some seriously taboo topics: the little lies we tell ourselves, the journey to happiness, and, of course, dating horror storie.

This episode, we’re reacting to a harsh critique of gay culture that claims the Black gay community has turned “liberation into a members-only club”. The critique highlights exclusion based on masculinity, fitness, skin tone, and designer labels.

Are We Really “Trash”?

I challenge the idea that our culture is “trash.” While acknowledging that fatphobia, femmephobia, transphobia, and homophobia are real and exist even among queer people , I assert that if all you see is trash, you’re choosing to stay in the “trash part of the pool”.

As Black gay men, we have the freedom to pick and choose the rules by which we govern ourselves. We are elite , we are culture, we are art, and we are magic. If we focus on the greatness, we will receive it back. You can always move to the “metaphorical suburbs of gay culture”.

Dating, Intentions, and the Atlanta Check-In

We also break down a dating segment from Hopeless Romantic Society, which features what I call the “most Atlanta date” ever —complete with questions about credit score, homeownership, and health insurance tier.

I discuss the importance of checking a man’s intention early in the relationship. Life speaks to you first in whispers, and we need to listen to those subtle signs, like a low integrity of word, instead of just waiting for huge red flags.

Ultimately, the gworls just want to be loved, but love is hard when you’re carrying unresolved issues. When you find a Black man to love you, and your puzzle pieces fit, you can’t beat that.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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This episode of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman tackles two sensitive but vital issues for the Black queer community: grieving a polarizing figure and the complicated discussion around trans identity.

🕊️ Remembering Michael Hurd: Yes King, Pastor, and Man

The community lost Michael Hurd, also known as Love and Light TV or Yes King, who passed away suddenly at 47. Michael was a prominent Black gay man, a father, and an entrepreneur who sparked conversations about spirituality and sexuality, having transitioned from a pastor/prophet to an adult content creator.

Reacting to Nico’s Aesthetics’ commentary, Jai addresses the disrespectful way many remembered Michael—by his viral catchphrases like “you digging in me”. Jai argues that while content creators must take responsibility for the brand they build (often highly sexualized), it does not excuse the public’s dehumanization of them in death. Michael Hurd was survived by his two people who he called husbands and his daughter, showing he was much more than his work.

🏳️‍⚧️ Passability and the Non-Binary Conundrum

The episode begins with a spicy reaction to podcaster Cherry thee Boom, who suggested that trans people who are “in transition” should feel uncomfortable using public facilities, implying a distinction between being in transition and a “trans woman”.

This launched a challenging conversation: How important is “passing” to us as external cisgender parties? While Jai acknowledges the importance of passability for safety reasons , he and the chat struggle to grasp the concept of non-binary identity, particularly when it feels like gendered behaviors are being ascribed to feelings (like dominance and submission).

Ultimately, Jai concludes that while he will acknowledge and respect everyone’s pronouns, for true connection, there needs to be a deeper level of understanding beyond mere acceptance.

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On this episode of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman tackles two viral topics: the toxic truth about dating apps for Black gay men and the ever-controversial question of white presence in Black spaces.

📱 Dating Apps: Good for What?

We often say the dating pool is trash, but Jai argues we really mean the “app dating pool is trash”. Why is it such a struggle? The app landscape is split into three main groups:

* People looking for genuine love.

* People only looking to hook up.

* The majority in the middle who are okay with either, leading to unclear or too many intentions that make the app experience feel terrible.

As one creator highlighted, the apps are filled with questionable profiles—faceless pics and people who claim, “Nah, this is my only picture”. Jai and the chat agreed that the apps are good for getting sex, or perhaps a barber and weed when you’re out of town, but love is a tougher catch.

🚪 White People in Black Queer Spaces: The Gatekeeping Debate

The second half of the show dives into the conversation from the Surface Level Podcast episode, “The Blue-Eyed Soul: Can white gay men truly belong in black queer spaces?”. Jai makes it clear that he’s “all for gatekeeping blackness and black spaces”, preferring to create spaces welcoming to specific people who “look and walk and talk” like him.

The challenge is the concept of “belonging.” As one listener put it, “White gays don’t have culture or cultural awareness,” and they often show “entitlement” in Black spaces. For Jai, a Black space loses its vibe when whiteness is present, creating pressure to “code switch” and censor conversations.

Ultimately, for many in the chat, the home, the studio, and the car are safe spaces where “whiteness is not welcome”.

Are you tired of the app trash? Let us know: Are the dating apps yay or nay?

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

We’re diving deep into a topic that sparks major conversation in our community: masc for masc culture and the complexities of preference, identity, and stigma.

Host Jai the Gentleman kicks off the episode by sharing his own preference for “girly boys” and feminine men, playfully stating, “nothing is too feminine for me”. He admits to being “the drama” for feeling that gay men who are “masculine all the time” are “fighting against something”. He’s clear that he loves men who express in every version of manliness, especially those who have a “yes b***h” in them.

The conversation then heats up as Jai reacts to a creator who explains why he doesn’t date “girly boys”. This leads to an intense chat about:

* Masculinity and its Evolution: Jai argues that the definition of masculinity differs across generations.

* The “Masc for Masc” Debate: Discussion around whether liking masculinity assumes one is masculine, and the attraction of feminine men to “trade” or DL (Down Low) men.

* Stigma and Privilege: The argument of whether advocating for the masculine is necessary, given the social privilege associated with masculine presentation, versus the stigma and femme phobia experienced by feminine and trans men.

Callers and commenters share their perspectives, touching on the idea of masc shaming, the need to affirm all Black queer men, and the importance of supporting “strong friends” who present as masculine but may be struggling. Ultimately, the episode underscores the beauty and complexity of Black gay identity and expression, reminding us all that every story “makes mine valid”.

Tune in to hear the full, raw conversation! Don’t forget, a portion of your Super Chats and memberships goes to worthy causes helping black queer people.

Would you like me to find out more about any of the upcoming shows mentioned, such as the conversation about raw sex on November 19th?

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe