Playing With Fire
My eyes opened and my heart sank.
I was expecting a “Good Morning Jarrett”. The same text I’d received everyday for the past 3 months. But today there was no good morning greeting, no salutation from the guy I loved. Nothing.
Yesterday I was in love and today I’m alone.
Saturday he dumped me. I thought we were getting closer and finding our way. Little did I know that the next fork in the road would be where he felt it best to carry on alone. We’d discussed my work and his, our goals and dreams, the life I’d hope we’d build together. The whole process was crazy good until it wasn’t.
If I learned nothing else from a break-up it’s the depth of pain after it’s over is the same as the depth of love while it’s happening.
To that end, I really loved that man. He went from the guy in church that I had to muster to courage to ask his name, to the guy in my phone that lit my face up every time he called, to the guy that shattered my heart. But grief, as Vision would say, is love persevering, right?
How to Date a Fire Sign
Kevin was a Leo.
I know how fire signs, especially Leo, can be. The biggest challenge is getting fire signs to see another perspective. Because two hard-headed, stubborn perspectives does not a happy home make.
For the next two weeks, I fawned over the blogs. “Virgo Leo couples”, “Loving Fire Signs”, “Being a Good Mate to a Fire Sign”. It was a laundry list of if-you-change-this-and-they-change-that then it will work, but hoping for change is no way to approach a new relationship.
What I knew for sure, though, was that a fire sign will try their damndest. That’s what I admired most about Kevin—he’d put forth a full effort as long as it made sense.
I thought it was so sexy. Having a man that tried. I banked on it. He’s trying so, “Jai, get your sh*t together” I’d think.
Then I had a very candid conversation with my best friend.
Maquan is Virgo like me and one of the only people I known for absolute certainty that will tell me the truth, whether I like it or not. We’d made a best friend pact long time ago when dating didn’t look up for either of us. We don’t discuss any individual in our dating life until after 6 dates or 6 months, whichever comes first.
Kevin and I had just completed date six and Maquan finally listened to me fawn over Kevin. I told him about the effort, wearing it like a badge of honor, when he had the most peculiar response.
“What does it mean that we’re impressed by a man who tries?”
Loving Me Into Pain and Back
Kevin and I are no more.
I’m just now at the point where the reality of a lost future is okay. All the dreams and aspirations I had wrapped up in my future life with Kevin are wiped clean.
Funny thing is I had this dream of walking the red carpet with him. Looking offstage at some awards show as he proudly watch me give some acceptance speech I had memorized so good that it could sound impromptu.
What happened happened and could not have happened any other way. Now I have to ask myself why?
Why did Kevin and I part? Where did I misstep if at all? What was this experience put in my way to teach me about myself?
What I’m uncovering in real time is I needed a reminder of the depth to which I can love. Doing Dear Black Gay Men Podcast every week can be daunting, but so fulfilling. I get to hear from all across the country and globe stories about how Black gay men are changed because of our content.
I’ve taken to heart that our platform changes lives. Each new subscriber is a new opportunity for us to entertain and engage and, hopefully, inspire. Early on, I’d ask new subscribers what brought them to the channel and what they hoped to get from our content. My dating life had become an experiment on what not to do, so I could tell the story through video and save someone else some heartache.
But after Kevin, I know that my dating life is real and my heart still works.
Kevin was put in my life, in his very fire sign manner of being, to drudge up the messy bits that I overlooked, the hard bits that I avoided, and the emotional bits that I tucked away in “service” of community.
Yes. I would have loved Kevin and I to have found longevity with each other. But what Kevin has actually done is showed me that love is still possible, even if he isn’t around to receive it.
Thank you, Kevin.
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