Dispatches from Seattle

Ethan has another podcast! Enjoy the first episode of The Bigger Boat, wherein Ethan and his mom discuss Creature from the Black Lagoon. For more, check out The Bigger Boat wherever podcasts are enjoyed.

Humanity is insane and we’re the only ones who know it. Today, we banter a bit and then get into some heavy shit about China, genocide, the military industrial complex, and the insatiable avarice of Mars, god of War. Oh sacred WAR, we offer to thee the wealth of our nations, the sweat of our labors, the ashes of our hopes, and the blood of our children. May thee fill in us what is empty. Plus: Sorry, Ethan’s audio is garbo. 

We’re back to ponder the hard questions like, was Stalin a good person? Having never received our check from President Xi, we start simping for Cuba, which has the advantage of still being socialist. Ethan runs through dread goddess Rona’s latest kill count, Jason loses his hearing, and we review an oddly prescient (in the wrongest way possible) article from Wired circa 1997. Plus: The Simpsons that could have been!  

Who’s to blame for the ongoing covid epidemic: individuals who haven’t been vaccinated for whatever reason? Or the leaders of the most powerful nation in history refusing to do a damned thing about it? We contemplate these and other questions, talking a surprising amount about dread goddess Rona, for a podcast that took her name out of the title. Jason’s back with more Rants on Rantz, Ethan deep dives the metrics, and we shill for Andrew Grant Houston for Seattle mayor. Plus: is Seattle still safe for beat-up cars? 

How many kaiju do you think came through that rift? We contemplate a world on fire. Jason reminisces about the car he bought from a pirate, Ethan lectures from the Bible, and we check if some of our favorite places survived the pandemic. Plus: local chud celebrity Jason Rantz has bad takes. We start beef with our all-new segment, Rants on Rantz! We aren’t vegetarians but we ain’t fucking scared of him! 

Surprise—we’re back! We needed a break, but the world kept on turning. We return to shovel through the manure of our crumbling neoliberal order in a desperate search for content. Join us as we rant and rave about test-tube ten-year-olds, our recent forays into medieval arms, and Jeff Bezos in space. Plus: our Father’s Day gift list!

Wherein SquadCast screwed us out of audio. We brainstorm ways to accustom bears to the taste of human flesh. Jason reconciles with his father, Ethan collapses under the weight of feline affection. Plus: season 3 is here! (It was more impressive and/or funnier before SquadCast lost our audio.) 

We reflect on what we’ve learned, if anything, from a year of podcasting in the shadow of our dread goddess Rona (praise be unto her). Jason reviews Oscar bait while Ethan thirsts for fictional bad girls. Plus: we get rich in a galaxy far, far away! Just as soon as Ethan gets back from visiting his Imperial girlfriend in space prison. 

We’re a week out of date because Ethan forgot to edit last week, but who’s counting? Except you, Dev. We've heard your complaints. Love you! Pfizer punched Jason’s V-card, so he shares the experience. Ethan relives the glory days when rent in Seattle was affordable to people who weren’t making six figures. And we reflect that more than half of a million people have been murdered by the Trump administration’s criminal negligence—I mean, have died of covid in the US! Plus: why the hell aren’t they vaccinating the dishwashers? 

Jason watched CPAC so you didn’t have to. You’re welcome! Turns out, the nazicons are up in arms about the alleged phenomenon of cancellation culture. Ethan gets canceled, Jason gets canceled, and even though he isn’t on this episode, Dev’s probably canceled by association. But it’s cool because CPAC is here to save us! Plus: actually, this entire episode is about CPAC. Jason suffered, and now, so must you!