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As is the case in many areas of life, for those who are perfectionistic, sex and sexual expression can be areas where emotional over-control & cognitive/behavioural inflexibility can impair pleasure, erode intimacy and create anxiety.  International trainer, educator, couples and sex therapist & author, Dr. Tom Murray joins us for a discussion of core themes of his new book Making Nice With Naughty: An Intimacy Guide for the Rule Following, Organized, Perfectionist, Practical and Color-Within-The-Lines-Types.  In this discussion we cover:  

• why Dr. Murray wanted to write this book
• why he built his book on a strong Radically Open DBT (RO DBT) framework but with the addition of many other strategies drawn from within CBT (ACT, REBT etc)
• the four features of being emotionally “over-controlled” (or OC)
• why the over-controlled temperament might hold special concern within the context of sex
• examples of challenges emblematic of the problems that an OC might report in the content of sex therapy
• the impact that perfectionism might have in the context of sex (either towards the self or towards the partner)
• how OC coping strategies around threat reduction can backfire specifically in the context of sex
• starting points for OC clients who want to step into and/or reclaim (or even just claim!) their sexuality
• the conundrum of waning desire within long-term relationships, with a focus on the potential origin of gender differences
• helping clients to become comfortable first with their own inner experience through fantasy etc before perhaps being vulnerable with another 
• Dr. Murray's reflection on the experiential aspect of being a sex therapist

Feedback or comments?  Email the show at [email protected]

Host note: We will be offering a 6 week essentials of CBT workshop that I will be facilitating beginning March 24, 2023.  For more information and registration, please visit: https://www.ottawacbt.ca/news. 

Dr. Tom Murray, an international trainer, educator, and couples and sex therapist, is a widely sought-after expert in sexuality and intimate relationships. He authored the 2022 book, Making Nice with Naughty: An intimacy guide for the rule-following, organized, perfectionist, practical, and color-within-the-line types.  Dr. Murray has appeared in numerous venues, including the Huffington Post and The Daily Mail, as well as radio, television and podcasts, including the Practice of Being Seen and Shrink Rap Radio. He’s a highly acclaimed presenter at local, regional, and national conferences on various mental health and relationship topics. Dr. Murray has published numerous articles in professional journals and has faculty affiliations with UNC Greensboro, Walden University, and Lindsey Wilson College. He currently teaches at Northwestern University’s Family Institute.  In addition to his couples and sex therapy practice, Dr. Murray is passionate about Highly Sensitive Persons, artists, actors, dancers, musicians, and other creative types. With nearly a decade of experience as the director of a counseling center for one of the premier art conservatories in the nation, Dr. Murray integrates knowledge from business, positive psychology, sports psychology, mindfulness, and performance optimization to manifest creative aspirations. Dr. Murray lives in Greensboro, NC, along with his two sons. In addition to his strong passion for sex-positive, clinical practice, and advocacy, Dr. Murray enjoys writing jokes, taking comedy improv courses, cooking and baking, singing, and participating in his faith community.

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