Being absolutely sure you’re right should settle an argument, but somehow, it often does the opposite. Instead, things escalate, tensions rise, and before you know it, the conflict has taken on a life of its own. 

For this episode, Yael welcomes New York Times bestselling author, trained mediator, and Good Conflict co-founder Amanda Ripley to unpack her book  High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped, and How We Get Out, and the difference between “good conflict” that strengthens us and “high conflict” that feeds on contempt, disgust, and rigid us-versus-them thinking. 

You’ll hear why high conflict makes us more error-prone while feeling more righteous, how group belonging and media incentives can keep the cycle going, and practical ways to interrupt the pattern like Gary Freeman’s three-question pause before speaking. 

Listen to learn how to stay in the fight without losing nuance, curiosity, or yourself.

Listen and Learn:

• The distinction between healthy conflict that helps you grow and the kind that quietly turns destructive in ways you may not notice 
• Why conflicts can quietly take over our thinking, shifting us into an us-versus-them mindset 
• Why do we get pulled into conflicts that drain us even when we know the cost, and what keeps us hooked?
• How can even people deeply engaged with information find themselves pulling away from conflict, and what does that reveal about the hidden dynamics of high conflict
• How you can recognize the early signs of high conflict and shift toward more productive, healthier conversations before things escalate

Resources: 

• High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped, and How We Get Out: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781982128579 
• Amanda’s Website: https://www.amandaripley.com/
• Good Conflict Website: https://www.thegoodconflict.com
• Connect with Amanda on Social Media: 
• https://www.facebook.com/amanda.ripley.35/
• https://www.instagram.com/ripleywriter/
• Amada’s Substack: https://amandaripley.substack.com/ 
• Amanda’s article about high-conflict journalism, I stopped reading the news. Is the problem me–or the product?
• Yael’s Substack post about how journalists quickly build connection
• Builders Movement: an Instagram feed and website that offers “inspiration, tools, and ways to take action to rise above us vs. them and solve our toughest problems together.”

About Amanda Ripley: 

Amanda Ripley is a New York Times bestselling author, magazine journalist, and co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company helping people reimagine how we fight. She has written three award-winning nonfiction books — The Unthinkable, The Smartest Kids in the World, and High Conflict — each following people through transformations to uncover what the rest of us can learn. Her most recent book, High Conflict, chronicles how good conflict metastasizes into something that consumes everything in its path — and, crucially, how people find their way out. A trained mediator herself, Amanda's work reveals that escape from high conflict isn't about being nicer; it's about learning to genuinely comprehend what you still disagree with. Her writing has appeared in the Atlantic, the Washington Post, and Politico Magazine, among others.

Related Episodes:

• 234. The Power of Us with Dominic Packer
• 371. Uniting Toward a Better Future with Diana McLain Smith
• 392. Outraged with Kurt Gray
• 408. Connecting Like a Hostage Negotiator with Gary Noesner
• 452. How to Disagree Better with Julia Minson

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If your teen is getting caught in cycles of comparison, burnout, or avoidance while trying to “do enough” for college, this conversation offers a different perspective.

Emily talks with Ana Homayoun about her book Erasing the Finish Line and what really matters beyond grades, test scores, and prestige.

They walk you through unhealthy patterns in college admissions culture, how technology amplifies anxiety, and why most institutions actually accept the majority of applicants. Their conversation also reveals how long-term success depends far more on relationships and meaningful engagement than on brand-name schools.

Join Emily and Ana for practical strategies to help your teens build executive functioning systems, shift from time management to energy management, strengthen social capital through supporters and clarifiers, and rethink grind culture, including the role of youth sports.

Listen and Learn: 

• Focusing less on comparison and more on building your own strengths and systems for shaping both college outcomes and the kind of work you end up loving later
• How parents’ own fears and need for control shape the college process can undermine a student’s fit and well-being, and what it takes to step back so they can truly thrive
• How technology has reshaped college admissions in ways that make independent research, real-world exploration, and staying open-minded more important than ever for finding the right fit
• Why the most “competitive” colleges may feel that way by design, and how choosing the right environment and relationships over prestige can shape your future more than you expect
• Focusing on executive functioning skills to shape your teen’s long-term success in ways grades alone never reveal
• Making small shifts in structure, mindset, and environment to unlock a child’s ability to plan, adapt, and thrive without pressure or perfection
• How having friendships across different age groups quietly builds confidence, perspective, and real connection in ways most students do not expect
• Sharing and building social capital in small, everyday ways to quietly shape opportunities for teens and create unexpected outcomes
• Giving kids real choices, a safe space to fail, and multiple places to belong to builds the confidence, motivation, and life skills they carry into adulthood
• How shifting from managing time to managing your energy transforms focus, behavior, and motivation

Resources: 

• Erasing the Finish Line: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond Grades and College Admission https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780306830693 
• That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780399535598 
• Ana’s Website: https://anahomayoun.com/ 
• Connect with Ana on Social Media: 
• https://instagram.com/anahomayoun
• https://www.linkedin.com/in/ana-homayoun-4783863/) 

About Ana Homayoun: 

ANA HOMAYOUN is the founder of Silicon Valley–based Green Ivy Educational Consulting and executive director of Luminaria Learning Solutions, which develops student programs focused on executive functioning and well-being. She is also the author of That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week, The Myth of the Perfect Girl, and Social Media Wellness. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Atlantic, Fast Company, and NPR and on Good Morning America and NBC News. Learn more about her work at www.anahomayoun.com. Her most recent book, Erasing the Finish Line, comes out in paperback on June 9th with the updated title, Getting in Is Not Enough: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond Grades, Test Scores, and College Admission. 

Related Episodes:

• 324. Toxic Achievement Culture with Jennifer Wallace
• 414. The Disengaged Teen with Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson
• 369. The Good News About Adolescence with Ellen Galinsky
• 332. Middle School Superpowers with Phyllis Fagell
• 272. Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you’ve ever avoided saying yes to something meaningful because you were waiting to feel less anxious or more “ready,” this episode is for you.

Cohosts Yael and Michael Herold sit down for a chat about his confidence-building online course and the misconceptions that keep people stuck, especially the idea that motivation and the “right mindset” must come first. 

You’ll hear how acceptance and commitment therapy reframes anxiety as a passenger you can bring along while you drive toward your values, why rigid social scripts don’t work, and how low-stakes “comfort zone challenges” (like lying down in public) help you practice courage, defuse unhelpful thoughts, and tolerate discomfort without real-world consequences.

Join Michael and Yael for lots of practical insight, humor, and a preview of tools that can help you step into the life you want.

Listen and Learn: 

• Why confidence isn’t built by fixing your mindset first, but by taking action on what matters
• Why you can’t learn confidence from scripts or perfect phrases, and confidence only develops through practice, not preparation
• How to step outside your comfort zone by practicing small, low-stakes challenges that reveal how thoughts and emotions create avoidance, and how to disarm them so you can act on what matters instead of defaulting to fear-based reactions
• Why worrying about annoying others can hold you back from confidence, and learning confidence means acting respectfully on what matters, even when that fear is present
• Comfort-zone challenges to expand confidence and even meaningfully change the direction of your life
• Building confidence through practical, real-world exercises with Michael’s course

Resources: 

• Michael’s Course: herold.coach/course

• Lilly and the Wildflowers:
• www.instagram.com/lilyandthewildflowers
• www.lilyandthewildflowers.com

About Michael Herold

Michael (he/him) is a confidence trainer and social skills coach, based in Vienna, Austria.  He’s helping his clients overcome their social anxiety through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and fun exposure exercises. (Though the jury is still out on whether they’re mostly fun for him). He is also a certified therapeutic game master, utilizing the Dungeons&Dragons tabletop roleplaying game to train communication, assertiveness, and teamwork with young adults. Or actually, anyone ready to roll some dice and battle goblins in a supportive group where players want to level up (pun!) their social skills. Michael is the head coach of the L.A. based company The Art of Charm, running their confidence-building program “Unstoppable” as well as workshops on small talk, storytelling, vulnerability, and more. He is the scientific advisor and co-producer of their large podcast with more than 250 million downloads. As a member of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS), Michael is the current President of the ACT Coaching Special Interest Group with nearly 1,000 coaches worldwide, and the co-founder of the ACT in Austria Affiliate of ACBS, a nationwide meetup for ACT practitioners in Austria. He’s a public speaker who has spoken at TEDx, in front of members of parliament, universities, and once in a cinema full of 500 kids high on sugary popcorn. In a previous life, he was a character animator working on award-winning movies and TV shows such as “The Penguins of Madagascar” and “Kung Fu Panda”. That was before he realized that helping people live a meaningful life is much more rewarding than working in the film business – even though the long nights in the studio allowed him to brew his own beer in the office closet, an activity he highly recommends. Michael grew up with five foster kids who were all taken out of abusive families. His foster sisters showed him how much positive change is possible in a person if they have the love and support they need.

Related Episodes

• 173. Confidence, Self-Doubt, and Overcoming Limitations with Michael Herold
• 313. ACT-Informed Exposure for Anxiety with Brian Pilecki and Brian Thompson
• 195. ACT Daily with Diana Hill and Debbie Sorensen

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Guilt can feel uncomfortable and easy to push away, but it is one of those emotions that actually serves an important purpose in our lives.

For this episode, Debbie sits down with developmental psychologist Chris Moore, author of The Power of Guilt, to unpack what guilt really is and why it plays such an important role in our lives and relationships. Informed by both research and personal experience, Chris offers a perspective that might completely change how you see this emotion.

You’ll come away with an understanding of where guilt comes from, how it shows up in everyday life, from childhood to parenting to relationships, and why some people feel it more than others. 

They also get into topics like apology, forgiveness, and how guilt can actually help us repair and strengthen connections. 

Listen and Learn: 

• How a single life-altering mistake shaped how Chris understands guilt, responsibility, and forgiveness
• How guilt quietly reveals the hidden ways our most important relationships shape what we feel and why we’re driven to repair something we might not fully understand yet
• Does the guilt you feel over small things like unfinished chores reveal deeper, hidden influences from the relationships that shaped your internal rules and standards?
• Why feelings like guilt begin much earlier than we assume and later grow into something far more complex and central to relationships
• Why some people feel guilt far more intensely than others, and how personality, relationships, and even gender differences quietly shape that experience in ways you might not expect
• Why feeling like you are never doing enough as a parent might actually come from the very nature of caring for someone vulnerable, and what that reveals about guilt being more automatic than accurate
• How guilt can quietly become a tool of control when forgiveness is withheld
• How ideas like restorative justice and even collective guilt reshape the way we understand responsibility and emotional repair in society
• Why guilt, though uncomfortable, can actually serve as a powerful internal signal that helps us recognize when a valued relationship may need attention and guide us toward repairing and strengthening it

Resources:

• The Power of Guilt: Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal

https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781637747728

• Chris’ Website: https://www.chrislmoore.com
• Connect with Chris on Social Media:
• https://www.facebook.com/mfwguilt
• https://www.instagram.com/chrismooreauthorphd/

About Chris Moore

Dr. Chris Moore is a professor of psychology and former dean of science at Dalhousie University in Canada, as well as a former Canada Research Chair at the University of Toronto. He holds a PhD in developmental psychology from the University of Cambridge and an MFA in creative nonfiction from the University of King’s College. He has spent his career studying human social understanding and relations, and has published well over 100 research papers, edited 5 books and special issues of academic journals, and authored The Development of Commonsense Psychology (Psychology Press, 2006). He has had numerous invitations to present at academic conferences and universities around the world and has enjoyed many research collaborations in Canada, the United States, Australia, Germany, China, and the UK. Moore’s work has been cited in mainstream print publications such as Psychology Today, Today’s Parent, and the New York Times. His research has also been featured in a variety of TV documentaries, including The Nature of Things and the Baby Human series on Discovery Health. His new book, The Power of Guilt: Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal, is his first for a general audience. He lives in Nova Scotia with his family.

Related episodes: 

• 430. Nonadaptive Guilt and Shame with Carolyn Allard 
• 118. Moral Injury and Shame with Lauren Borges and Jacob Farnsworth 
• 320. Anger and Forgiveness with Robyn Walser 
• 358. How to Keep House While Drowning with KC Davis 
• 341. Self-Forgiveness with Grant Dewar 

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you’ve ever ended an argument with your partner, coworker, or family member feeling confused about how it escalated so quickly, this episode is for you. 

Julia Minson, founder of the Constructive Disagreement Lab and author of How to Disagree Better, explains to us why trying to “win” arguments often starts fights and offers a different metric for success: a disagreement that increases both people’s willingness to talk again. 

Drawing on her work on naive realism and research on receptiveness, she discusses why differences feel threatening, how listening is hard to perceive in conflict, and how language can signal receptivity using the HEAR framework. Listen in to learn evidence-based tools to make hard conversations in your life more constructive.

Listen and Learn: 

• Julia’s upbringing in a family of psychologists, her immigrant experience, and her years as a ballroom dancer, and why people can share the same moment yet see it completely differently, making disagreement inevitable
• Why a truly constructive disagreement isn’t about “winning” or changing minds, but about improving mutual willingness to continue the conversation and deepening understanding
• Naive realism and the tendency to assume our perceptions are objectively correct, which underlies everyday conflicts, because everyone thinks “I get it” and struggles to see others’ perspectives
• How true receptiveness works, not just thinking receptively, but expressing it clearly through language so others genuinely feel heard, especially in conflict or disagreement
• How to use the HEAR framework to communicate receptively and build stronger relationships
• Julia’s Hawk story and how approaching disagreements with curiosity rather than judgment can turn tense or potentially divisive moments into understanding, connection, and even common ground

Resources: 

• How to Disagree Better: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593855003
• Julia’s Websites: https://disagreeingbetter.com/ and https://www.juliaminson.com/ 
• Connect with Julia on Social Media: 
• https://www.linkedin.com/in/julia-minson-5b511b150/
• https://twitter.com/juliaminson 
• Take The Measure of Receptivity:https://receptiveness.net/survey.html 

About Julia Minson: 

Julia Minson is a professor of public policy at Harvard Kennedy School and founder of the Constructive Disagreement Lab, where she studies what she calls the "psychology of disagreement" — how we actually engage with views that conflict with our own, especially on the hot-button stuff: politics, values, health decisions.

Her new book, How to Disagree Better, starts from a counterintuitive premise: we're drowning in advice on how to win arguments, but Julia's research shows that trying to win is basically a guaranteed way to start a fight. Her work offers evidence-based strategies for being genuinely receptive to opposing views, which turns out to be far more effective than perfecting your persuasion game.

Related Episodes:

• 276. Assertive Communication Skills with Randy Paterson
• 281. Belonging Uncertainty and Bridging Divides with Geoffrey Cohen
• 371. Uniting Toward a Better Future with Diana McLain Smith
• 392. Outraged with Kurt Gray
• 403. Conflict Resilience with Bob Bordone and Joel Salinas

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Overwhelm can push us to a point where the tools we normally rely on suddenly feel out of reach. 

In this episode, clinical psychologist and burnout expert Kerry Makin-Byrd discusses her book Start Here: A Practical Guide for the Overwhelmed, created as a simple, step-by-step guide for moments when thinking clearly feels difficult. She explains overwhelm as being outside the “window of tolerance,” when the nervous system moves into overarousal or shutdown, and everyday functioning, like sleep, mood, and decision-making, can be disrupted.

Kerry introduces a three-part approach called Soothe, Transcend, Move. The idea is to regulate the body first, then shift perspective with self-compassion, and finally focus on one small action that aligns with your values. 

Listen and Learn: 

• Kerry’s simple illustrated guide for turning overwhelming stress into clear, actionable steps you can actually use in the moment
• How overwhelm shows up in your body and mind can look completely different from others and might be quietly sabotaging your focus and energy
• Practicing small daily skills to train your mind to handle stress more quickly and effortlessly under pressure
• How you can instantly calm your body and unlock clearer thinking using a surprising science-based “chill out” practice from the first step of a three-part emotional regulation system
• How Kerr’s three-step approach can help you calm your body, shift perspective, and navigate stress more effectively
• Reflective support to overcome burnout and compassion fatigue in helping professions

Resources:

• Start Here: A Practical Guide for the Overwhelmed: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781408783221
• Kerry’s Website: https://www.drkerrymakinbyrd.com/ 
• Subscribe for twice-a-month field notes on overwhelm, burnout, and compassion to help you care for yourself and others: https://www.drkerrymakinbyrd.com/contact/#/portal/ 
• Kerr’s Podcast, Start Here for Helpers — with Dr Kerry Makin-Byrd: https://starthereforhelpers.substack.com/?ref=drkerrymakinbyrd.com 
• Connect with Kerry on Social Media: 
• https://www.instagram.com/drkerrymb
• https://www.linkedin.com/in/kerry-makin-byrd-phd
• https://www.facebook.com/DrKerryMakinByrd/
• https://www.youtube.com/@drkerrymb 

About Kerry Makin-Byrd

Dr. Kerry Makin-Byrd is a clinical psychologist and noted burnout and well-being expert who translates science into practical non-fiction. An alum of Penn State, UC San Francisco, and the Palo Alto VA Health Care System/Stanford School of Medicine (affiliated), she was honoured with the Veterans Health Administration’s Special Contribution Award for nationally impactful policy work and clinical teaching. A burnout survivor herself, Dr. Kerry is the author of the memoir The Ballad of Burnout. Based in Wellington, New Zealand, she divides her time between writing, providing trauma therapy, and mentoring doctors and therapists. Her favorite types of rest are cold swims with her family and cackling with friends.

Related Episodes: 

• 153. Healthcare Professional Wellbeing Abbie Beacham, Kerry Makin-Byrd, and Bernard Chang (Part 1) 
• 154. Healthcare Professional Wellbeing with Abbie Beacham, Kerry Makin-Byrd, and Bernard Chang (Part 2) 
• 338. ACT for Burnout with Debbie 
• 177. Mind-Body Practices for Stress and Overwhelm with Rebekkah LaDyne 
• 75. Mindful Self-Compassion with Christopher Germer  
• 199. Belonging From the Inside Out with Meg McKelvie 
• 211. Subtract with Leidy Klotz
• 73. Essentialism with Greg McKeown 

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Weight feels like one of those topics everyone has an opinion on, yet it’s deeply personal for each of us. So, for this episode, Emily and Jill take the opportunity to dig into what it’s like to navigate body changes in a world full of strong opinions, from the rise of GLP-1 medications to the stigma that can come with medical or surgical interventions.

Jill opens up about her own journey with weight, body image, and ultimately deciding to have gastric bypass surgery, including what’s shifted for her since, physically, emotionally, and socially. 

They also talk about the judgment people can face, how conversations about health often get reduced to discipline or willpower, and also zoom out to explore the bigger cultural messages about bodies and how therapists can support clients in talking about weight in ways that move beyond shame or “fixing.” 

Listen and Learn: 

• Why shame, Yo-yo dieting, and a surprising therapy session insight led Jill to discover a life-changing path that transformed her health, mindset, and relationship with exercise
• Why the idea that weight loss tools are “cheating” reveals deeper cultural biases about bodies, health, and who gets judged for the choices they make
• How constant pressure on women’s bodies may actually distract from power, health, and autonomy in ways most people never question
• Focusing on values instead of weight loss goals to help you stop postponing the life you want to live
• How changing your relationship with cravings and “food noise” through psychological flexibility can make long-term weight loss maintenance more possible

Resources: 

• Jill’s Website: https://jillstoddard.com
• Connect with Jill on Social Media 
• https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNDJ6pR5PVGZSSzRFc556QA
• https://www.linkedin.com/in/jillstoddardphd/ 

About Jill Stoddard 

Jill Stoddard is passionate about sharing science-backed ideas from psychology to help people thrive. She is a psychologist, writer, TEDx speaker, award-winning teacher, peer-reviewed ACT trainer, bariatric coach, and co-host of the popular Psychologists Off the Clock podcast. Dr. Stoddard is the founder and director of The Center for Stress and Anxiety Management, an outpatient practice specializing in evidence-based therapies for anxiety and related issues. She is the author of three books: The Big Book of ACT Metaphors: A Practitioner’s Guide to Experiential Exercises and Metaphors in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy; Be Mighty: A Woman’s Guide to Liberation from Anxiety, Worry, and Stress Using Mindfulness and Acceptance; and Imposter No More: Overcome Self-doubt and Imposterism to Cultivate a Successful Career. Her writing has also appeared in The Washington Post, Psychology Today, Scary Mommy, Thrive Global, The Good Men Project, and Mindful Return. She regularly appears on podcasts and as an expert source for various media outlets. She lives in Newburyport, MA with her husband, two kids, and disobedient French Bulldog.  

Related Episodes:

• 348. Sustainable Exercise with Michelle Segar
• 326. Weight Stigma and Body Image with Sarah Pegrum
• 264. Raising Intuitive Eaters with Sumner Brooks and Amee Severson
• 231. Eating Skills and Emotional Eating with Josh Hillis
• 151. Intuitive Eating with Evelyn Tribole
• 93. Effective Weight Loss with Evan Forman
• 77. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with Jill Stoddard
• 36. Weight Loss Strategies From Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with Jason Lillis

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Feeling loved sounds simple, but it is not something that just happens because someone cares about you. 

In this episode of Psychologists Off the Clock, Yael talks with Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis about their book, How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, and why it is possible to be loved but not actually feel loved.

They explore what really helps people feel cared for and understood in any kind of relationship, why stress or attachment patterns can get in the way, and how small mindset shifts like listening to learn or being willing to go first can make a big difference in how connected you feel.

It is less about following relationship rules and more about how you show up. Your curiosity, your openness, and your willingness to understand someone else and let yourself be understood too. If connection sometimes feels harder than it should, this episode is for you.

Listen and Learn: 

• How the happiness habits you already know, like gratitude or kindness, may actually work by strengthening a hidden relationship dynamic that makes people feel deeply understood and loved in everyday interactions
• What are the key ingredients that quietly combine to make us feel truly loved and understood by others?
• How feeling loved often depends less on what’s done for us and more on whether we truly feel seen, understood, and connected in the moment
• How shifting your mindset in love can transform simple behaviors into deeper, more genuine connections that naturally grow intimacy
• How showing up first in relationships can feel risky, but it often unlocks deeper connections in ways you might not expect
• Why feeling loved isn’t just about what you receive, it’s about how you understand and respond to the love others are trying to give
• Embracing the messy, multifaceted parts of yourself to completely change how you experience love and connection

Resources: 

• How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780063426665 
• Sonja’s Website: https://sonjalyubomirsky.com 
• Card deck from Sojna’s recommendation: The And
• https://howtofeelloved.com/ 
• Connect with Sonja on Social Media: 
• https://www.linkedin.com/in/sonja-lyubomirsky-21283bb/
• https://www.instagram.com/sonjalyubomirsky/
• https://www.facebook.com/sonja.lyubomirsky 

About Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis: 

Sonja Lyubomirsky is a Distinguished Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside and the author of The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness. She's also a returning guest on Psychologists Off the Clock — you can catch her first appearance in episode 227.

Harry Reis is a Dean's Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester and one of the most influential relationship scientists working today, known for foundational research on intimacy, responsiveness, and what makes people feel truly connected.

Together, they've written How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets that Get You More of What Matters Most — a book that reframes the question most of us have been asking wrong.

Related Episodes:

• 172. Performing Under Pressure with Sian Beilock
• 227. The Science of Happy with Sonja Lyubomirsky
• 413. Validate with Caroline Fleck
• 422. Mindwise with Nicholas Epley

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Oversharing has a bad reputation. But what if revealing more about yourself is actually the fastest way to build trust? 

To give us insight into the psychology behind oversharing — when it builds connection and when it backfires — we’re joined by behavioral scientist and author of Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing, Leslie John.

Leslie guides us through the surprising benefits of self-disclosure, exploring how revealing personal information can strengthen social bonds and increase trust. 

She also shares research on how disclosure impacts relationships, workplace dynamics, and even physiological stress, and explains how to find the “Goldilocks zone” where sharing is just right, without overburdening others.

Listen and Learn: 

• How sharing something a little uncomfortable can instantly build trust and make people like and choose you even more than someone who keeps everything private
• Why the instant regret after saying something vulnerable makes us play it safe, while the real price of not opening up shows up later in missed connection we never even realize we lost
• How sharing just a little more than usual in conversations can create connection and prompt others to open up with you
• Asking deeper, slightly risky questions to turn awkward small talk into real connection and reveal surprising ways people bond
• Recognizing when sharing with a friend is helping or hurting your relationship and the surprising way your closest friendships reveal your emotional limits
• How sharing small vulnerabilities at work can actually boost trust and credibility without crossing professional boundaries
• How encouraging young kids to show their feelings now could help them handle stress later and navigate tricky social pressures as they grow
• Sharing personal stories to light up your brain’s pleasure centers, and why that might be more rewarding than you think

Resources: 

• Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593545386 
• Leslie’s Website: https://www.lesliekjohn.com
• Connect with Leslie on Social Media:
• https://www.linkedin.com/in/leslie-john-75928721 
• https://www.instagram.com/proflesliejohn/ 
• https://x.com/lesliekjohn?lang=en 

About Leslie John

Leslie John is the James E. Burke Professor of Business Administration at the Harvard Business School. Her award-winning research appears in top academic journals and media, including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Economist. A Canadian-born, internationally trained ballet dancer, she now calls Boston home

Related Episodes:

• 422. Mindwise with Nicholas Epley
• 360. The Laws of Connection with David Robson
• 374. Developing and Deepening Connections with Adam ... 
• 393. Supercommunicators with Charles Duhigg 
• 408. Connecting Like a Hostage Negotiator with Gary ... 

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you struggle with people-pleasing and losing yourself in relationships, this episode with Ingrid Clayton, a licensed clinical psychologist and expert in relational trauma, about her book Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, is a conversation that can help you understand and transform patterns holding you back. 

Exploring fawning, which is a lesser-known trauma response shaped by caretaking, appeasement, and self-abandonment, you’ll learn how it often shows up as anxiety and hypervigilance. 

And, through personal and client stories, you’ll gain insights on reclaiming authenticity, navigating backlash, and starting the process of “unfawning.”

Listen and Learn:

• Why do some people cope with relational trauma by becoming overly accommodating or pleasing?
• How people-pleasing might actually be your nervous system choosing safety in ways that once protected you, but could now be quietly shaping your identity and relationships without you realizing it, and what it actually takes to reconnect with who you are
• How chronic fawning can look like emotional strength on the outside while quietly disconnecting you from your own anxiety and body
• How what looks like dishonesty can actually be a survival response that once kept you safe, and what it takes to notice when it starts keeping you stuck
• How tuning into what you notice in your body can be the first uncomfortable but powerful step to breaking people-pleasing patterns and building more authentic relationships
• Why red flags can feel like home after emotional abuse and how learning to trust your own resentment might be the first step toward building a truly safe relationship

Resources:

• Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9798217045327 
• Ingrid’s Website: https://www.ingridclayton.com/ 
• Connect with Ingrid on Social Media:
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ingridclaytonphd 
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/IngridClaytonPhD 
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ingridclaytonphd/ 
• Substack: https://substack.com/@ingridclaytonphd 
• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3PvWTgJMirURfgHWj3h28g 

About Ingrid Clayton

Dr. Ingrid Clayton is a licensed clinical psychologist with a master’s in transpersonal psychology and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology.  She’s had a thriving private practice for more than sixteen years and is a regular contributor to Psychology Today, where her blog “Emotional Sobriety” has had more than a million views.  She lives in Los Angeles, California. 

Book: Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves--and How to Find Our Way Back: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9798217045327

Related Episodes:

• 305. The Power of Saying No with Vanessa Patrick
• 186. Set Boundaries Find Peace with Nedra Tawwab 
• 276. Assertive Communication Skills with Randy Paterson  
• 308. Identifying and Surviving Gaslighting with Robin Stern 
• 263. Relationships with Emotionally Immature People with Lindsay Gibson 
• 383. What My Bones Know: C-PTSD with Stephanie Foo
• 417. Busting Trauma Treatment Myths with Emi Nietfeld
• 416. Trauma and PTSD Treatment with Robyn Walser

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