Sickly, spoiled and terrified of the outside world, Eleanor and Alasdair read The Secret Garden. Frances Hodgson Burnett's kidlit classic is the story of an obnoxious little girl who goes to Yorkshire on her gap year and really finds herself. Is the book an ode to the healing powers of nature? Or is it a hippy-fascist self-help tract? And which film adaptation is best — the one Eleanor watched as a kid, or the steampunk Mormon version?

Content Warning: References to ableism and British colonialism. And we inaccurately describe Yorkshire as "a big county" when it is, in fact, four counties.

Like a pair of creepy twins, Eleanor and Alasdair venture up Alderley Edge to meet the Wizard. We read The Weirdstone of Brisingamen, Alan Garner's 1960 folk horror classic. Is it too scary for kids, or just too scary for Alasdair? Did Eleanor really fall asleep at the end of the audiobook? And what, exactly, does a rustic Cheshire accent sound like?

We simply don't know.

Eleanor and Alasdair read a Roald Dahl book about some absolutely horrid women. "Which one?" you quite reasonably ask. It's The Witches: a grotesquely funny revenge caper fuelled by 'stranger danger' anxiety. What do you do when a beloved children's author is a bit of a bigot? Which of Dahl's books scandalised nine-year-old Eleanor's schoolteacher? And exactly what accent was Anne Hathaway doing in the movie? Listen, and find out if The Witches really is a revolting classic or just a rotten stinker.

Content Warning: References to antisemitism, misogyny & fatphobia. And we do impressions of the actor Bill Paterson.

Eleanor and Alasdair read The Tale of Peter Rabbit, the story of a semi-nude rabbit tormenting the Scotsman who killed his father. Beatrix Potter's first book was a world-wide smash hit, but is it actually good? And would it be improved by the addition of James Corden? Alasdair watched the movie, so you don't have to.

Content Warning: Eleanor calls Squirrel Nutkin a c***.

Ha harr! Eleanor and Alasdair read Treasure Island by the Scottish writer Robert Louis Stevenson, who is Scottish. Treasure Island is a tale of deadly danger and dubious male role models — basically like social media today. It's a very famous story, but is it actually good? Will Jim Hawkins's adventure buckle your swashes? And is fifteen men on a dead man's chest just good maritime fun? Or a health and safety nightmare?

Putting the ginger in ginger beer, Eleanor and Alasdair read Five Go To Demon's Rocks by Enid Blyton. The Internet Famous Two join some posh children and a dog on an incredibly dangerous and wholly unsupervised adventure. Does Enid Blyton deserve her controversial reputation? Will the kids survive a week in an abandoned lighthouse? And are all working class people also smugglers?

Eleanor and Alasdair read The Hobbit. J. R. R. Tolkien's 1937 novel is a millennial horror story about a guy who has to attend an unexpected party. It's also a children's fantasy classic, and the inspiration for three obscure art-house films. But is it good? Would Eleanor read it to her hypothetical child? Will Alasdair enjoy reading it for the first time? And is it really possible to tell the dwarves apart?