Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom

Episode 133: Where Is God in My Grief?


Listen Later

When applying to medical school, potential students are required to write a personal statement to accompany the application. I remember specifically what I wrote in my statement because I was in the pain of grief. I wrote that I was applying to medical school to become a doctor both because of, and in spite of, my parents' battles with cancer and my mom's recent death.

You see, without the cancer, I never would have really been exposed to the medical community. My plan in life was to become a writer or a librarian. I loved reading and always wanted to surround myself with books. After cancer entered our lives though, I became exposed to the world of medicine and I started feeling the longing to help ease the suffering of others.

However, after my mother's death, the 'in spite of' part became a reality as well. Mom did not get better. My pain after losing her was worse than anything I had experienced. As I completed my junior year of college after my mom died, I began to have doubts. Would I really be able to do this career anymore? Would the memories of my mom's illness be too much for me? Onward I went through the process, however, hoping that in the end, emotionally, I would be OK.

This reminds me so much of my faith and relationship with God after the death of Andy. WIthout my faith, I am certain that I would not have been able to get through this pain. I turn to him in my pain and suffering. I look for others to be God's hands and feet to help me. I have felt the love of God and others surround me when I am at my lowest points.

On the other hand, however, I have at times felt so alone and abandoned by God. I can feel like He betrayed me or let me down in some way. I feel disappointed by God and have often felt so angry that He would allow Andy to die and for this to be my life right now. I want to shout out against Him and turn away.

In the end though, I think my faith journey needs to continue on in the same way that my medical school journey did. I just kept on the path working through those feelings of anxiety and doubt about my future. I went to medical school and ended up not being a doctor treating suffering cancer patients, but one that focused on healthy children and families. It was better than what I could have dreamed.

Down the road, my faith certainly will not look the same as it did before Andy died, but hopefully, at some point, I will be able to look back and see that it is in fact, better and stronger than I could have ever imagined. That day is not today, certainly, but, until then, I just keep going.

...more
View all episodesView all episodes
Download on the App Store

Losing a Child: Always Andy's MomBy Marcy Larson, MD

  • 4.9
  • 4.9
  • 4.9
  • 4.9
  • 4.9

4.9

136 ratings


More shows like Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom

View all
This Is Actually Happening by Wondery

This Is Actually Happening

10,392 Listeners

Grief Out Loud by The Dougy Center

Grief Out Loud

310 Listeners

Snapped: Women Who Murder by Oxygen

Snapped: Women Who Murder

5,075 Listeners

Morbid by Morbid Network | Wondery

Morbid

97,913 Listeners

What Was That Like - True Stories. Real People. by Scott Johnson & Glassbox Media.

What Was That Like - True Stories. Real People.

1,897 Listeners

Family Secrets by iHeartPodcasts

Family Secrets

5,147 Listeners

Dateline NBC by NBC News

Dateline NBC

47,886 Listeners

Last Day by Lemonada Media

Last Day

3,053 Listeners

Grief is a Sneaky Bitch by Lisa Keefauver, MSW

Grief is a Sneaky Bitch

309 Listeners

I Survived by A&E / PodcastOne

I Survived

5,739 Listeners

Serialously with Annie Elise by 10 to LIFE & Audioboom Studios

Serialously with Annie Elise

9,486 Listeners

Betrayal: Season 4 by iHeartPodcasts and Glass Podcasts

Betrayal: Season 4

7,363 Listeners

Hope After Child and Sibling Loss/the empty chair endeavor by The Empty Chair Endeavor

Hope After Child and Sibling Loss/the empty chair endeavor

16 Listeners

MeSsy with Christina Applegate & Jamie Lynn Sigler by Wishbone Production

MeSsy with Christina Applegate & Jamie Lynn Sigler

3,521 Listeners

Bad Rap: The Case Against Diddy by ABC News

Bad Rap: The Case Against Diddy

1,604 Listeners