Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Eps 177: Casey is Solo talking about how we influence the iceberg

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How we influence the iceberg

 Clients come to me to talk about kids behavior

  • Battles over homework
  • Power struggles
  • Screen time addiction
  • Getting out the door
  • We are mega focused on fixing those problems

    • The iceberg- behavior we see is a solution to a problem that we may or may not know about

    Example that we played with a few weeks ago in parenting class:

    Child won’t get ready to go in the morning and family is late getting out the door

    • Two options for response:
    • What do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate?
    • Bribes, threats, punishments
    • What is happening for this child that is getting in the way?

      •  Go to the source

      • Tell me about the mornings…. I notice that…. How are you feeling…..
      • With new information you can make a plan together to support the child (and you)n in doing better

        • Transparency

        • Rowan talking about the future
        • Agitated, closed off, defensive
        • Often my response is irritated that she cant “have” the convo
        • We both are discouraged and the convo is over
        • Maybe I am engaging the wrong conversation
        • Helpful to know what shows up for her when the invitation is to talk about future
        • What is the experience?
        • IS it only with me or others?
        • Might there be a benefit to talking with someone else if not me?
        • What would be useful about having a vision of the future?
        • Deeper even still
        • I notice when this is the conversation you….. I am curious about that? How does it feel when…..?

          •  Sometimes our kids refuse to go there….

          • How do we let go?
          • What do they need?
          • Recognizing/acknowledging our tendency to hold on/get rigid/ let fear or our agenda drive us….
          • Mutual respect – respect for child and for self and the situation
          • Honor who they are and their temperament
          • I am ALL IN, lets go deep and swirl around and grow and learn and be super transparent and get it all out – don’t hold back. I process out loud and in the moment…. This is not the way of everyone, def not my daughter.

            •  Summing it up:

            • Recognize how we are contributing to challenges
            • Own it, and get curious about your child’s experience.
            • Identify the ACTUAL problem
            • Be an open, nonjudgmental listener
            • Look for solutions (related respectful reasonable helpful)
            • Be respectful
            • Honor who you child is in word and action

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              Joyful Courage for Parenting TeensBy Casey O'Roarty
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