Find Your Freaks

Why Some Lives Are Grieved and Others Ignored

What makes one person’s suffering worthy of compassion while another’s is dismissed as deserved? In this solo episode of Find Your Freaks, host Tonya Kubo wrestles with the haunting question: Whose suffering counts?

Building on her conversation with Rachel Allen in Episode 4, Tonya explores how society decides whose pain deserves acknowledgment, and whose lives are treated as disposable. From incarceration and addiction to miscarriage and clutter, she traces how secrecy, shame, and the us-vs.-them mindset shape our capacity for compassion.

At the heart of the conversation is belonging: every human has the right to be seen and valued. But when we withhold grief from some lives, we shrink our own humanity in the process.

• [03:09] The haunting question that keeps Tonya up at night
• [08:05] Us vs. them: How we assign compassion
• [14:25] Why belonging must include criminals
• [20:10] How society teaches us whose lives are “grievable”
• [24:27] Propaganda, dehumanization, and historical echoes
• [37:16] Serving in your lane: belonging through gifts and talents
• [40:23] A reminder if you’ve been told your pain doesn’t matter

From childhood, Tonya noticed contradictions in how adults talked about life and death: pro-life but pro-death penalty, condemn an abortion but dismiss an execution. These contradictions sharpened into a lifelong question — whose suffering counts, and why?

Drawing on history — from WWII propaganda to modern prison conditions — Tonya shows how entire groups are stripped of humanity so their suffering feels less urgent. Whether it’s incarcerated people, immigrants, unhoused neighbors, or people in the throes of active addiction, society quietly decides their pain doesn’t warrant compassion.

But every story deserves witnesses. Every life deserves grief.

• “Perspective is what separates compassion from condemnation.” — Tonya Kubo
• “Every story deserves witnesses. Every life deserves grief.” — Tonya Kubo
• “Community is an act of resistance against systems that say some people don’t count.” — Tonya Kubo

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

• Episode 4: Belonging Behind Bars with Rachel Allen
• Frames of War: When Is Life Grievable? by Judith Butler
• Less Than Human by David Livingstone Smith
• Beyond Broken podcast by Rachel Allen
• Engineering Consent in 1940s America: The Role of Propaganda in the Japanese-American Internment by Tonya Kubo
• Episode 3: Kindness First, Clutter Second

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.

You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.

• Facebook Group
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Next week, we’ll talk about how finding your people doesn’t always mean starting a group. It can also mean using your unique gifts on behalf of others. Stay tuned for Episode 6.

What we owe the incarcerated — and the communities holding on outside

What if the punishment wasn’t the prison sentence itself, but the isolation that follows? In this raw and unflinching conversation, writer and podcaster Rachel Allen joins Tonya Kubo to pull back the curtain on life behind bars — not only for those incarcerated, but also for the families left standing in fluorescent visitation rooms.

Rachel shares how she lost nearly everyone in her life when her husband was incarcerated, the hidden community that forms in waiting rooms, and the burden of secrets she carried until she found safe places to speak them. Together, they tackle the uncomfortable truth: our prison system isn’t just broken, it’s designed to dehumanize. And yet, in the darkest corners, belonging still finds a way.

• [03:23] Growing up “othered” and the soft spot it created for outsiders
• [07:08] The fear of revealing her husband’s incarceration — and losing everyone
• [12:19] Creating Beyond Broken and exposing systemic abuse
• [17:38] Why visitation is anything but “pleasant”
• [20:21] Finding fragile community in visitation waiting rooms
• [26:10] But don’t criminals get what they deserve?
• [35:58] How to know who deserves grace
• [39:29] First steps for rethinking incarceration
• [41:05] Why you are not as alone as you think

When her husband entered the federal prison system, Rachel’s life imploded. Nearly everyone she knew disappeared overnight, leaving her shattered and alone. Out of that devastation, she built new forms of belonging — both in the fragile, fluorescent-lit visitation community and in her work giving voice to those society would rather erase.

Prison doesn’t just punish the incarcerated; it punishes their families. Rachel exposes the endless advocacy work, bureaucratic battles, and humiliating visitation processes that spouses (usually wives) endure just to stay connected. Survival demands community, even in places designed to keep people apart.

Despite the heaviness, Rachel insists on humor and grace as survival tools. From the woman unknowingly carrying a “Sooie, Run, Pig” purse into visitation, to the deep compassion she extends even to those branded “undeserving,” Rachel reminds us that belonging is about humanity, not perfection.

Rachel Allen is an Appalachian-born writer and host of Beyond Broken, a podcast that dares to look straight into the brokenness of the U.S. prison system and imagine something better. A journalist-turned-marketer-turned-memoirist, Rachel has written for global brands, tiny nonprofits, and everyone in between. Her essays and upcoming memoir, Batshit, dig deep into the uncomfortable, beautiful truth of what it means to be human and still fight like hell to belong.

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

• “On any given day I could be talking to an eight-figure entrepreneur or a homeless person—both are equally valuable to me.” — Rachel Allen
• “There is nothing someone can do that makes me see them as less than human.” — Rachel Allen
• “Belonging isn’t about being included. It’s about being expected: Of course you’re here. We’ve been waiting for you.” — Tonya Kubo

• Heather Pirtle and the First Network
• Rachel’s upcoming memoir Batshit
• Beyond Broken on Substack
• RachelCatherineAllen.com
• Rachel on Instagram
• Rachel on LinkedIn

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people. You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.

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Rachel’s interview left me wondering about whose suffering matters, and which lives we consider worthy of grieving. Episode 5 explores the idea of dehumanization further and how it affects beliefs about those who look, believe, live and choose differently from ourselves.

Why belonging beats shame every time

Most people who join Clutter Free Academy don’t show up with cheerful introductions. They arrive calling themselves lazy, terrible, bad moms, bad wives. They expect judgment. Maybe rejection.

Instead, they’re met with kindness. Sometimes aggressively so.

In this solo episode of Find Your Freaks, I go deeper into my conversation with Kathi Lipp (Ep 2) and explore how Clutter Free Academy became one of the kindest corners of the internet — not through rules or chore charts, but through belonging. Clutter may look like a housekeeping issue, but it’s really about overwhelm, perfectionism, and shame. What people need most isn’t motivation. It’s safety. And safety starts with kindness.

This episode is about the mechanics of creating community around sensitive struggles: why guardrails matter, how to universalize pain so no one feels alone, and why exclusion is a feature, not a flaw.

• [03:51] Kathi’s trust: building on free rein
• [07:20] Guardrails that made Clutter Free safe
• [09:21] Tonya’s story of clutter, hoarding, and healing
• [12:29] Insisting on kindness—even toward yourself
• [17:55] Universalizing struggles to normalize experience
• [20:15] Aggressive kindness in practice
• [25:40] Why exclusion is part of belonging
• [27:37] Belonging before belief

New members often introduced themselves with harsh self-talk: “I’m lazy. I’m terrible. I’m the worst.” My first response was always the same: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We are the kindest corner of the internet. That means you must be kind to yourself.”

Kindness wasn’t optional. It was the baseline that told people they already belonged.

We didn’t open Clutter Free to everyone. “Born organized” types who came to gawk or critique were kept out. Guardrails weren’t about control—they were about creating safety so vulnerability could thrive.

Clutter might show up as messy homes, but for many it’s cluttered calendars or cluttered thinking. By naming clutter as part of a universal human struggle, members realized they weren’t defective—they were human.

You can’t shame people into belonging. Whatever your community’s focus—health, parenting, creativity—the same truth applies: people must belong before they can believe.

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point.

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.

You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.

• Clutter Free Academy Facebook Group
• The Clutter Free Academy Podcast

• Facebook Group
• LinkedIn
• Instagram
• Podcast Hub

Next week, we’ll tackle how finding your people doesn’t always mean starting a group. It can also mean using your unique gifts on behalf of others. Stay tuned for a conversation about secrets, support, and the unexpected ways belonging shows up.

What if your clutter isn’t a housekeeping problem — but a heartbreak problem? In this honest conversation, bestselling author, speaker and creator Kathi Lipp joins Tonya Kubo to unpack the emotional weight of “too much stuff” and the radical act of building a community where shame isn’t welcome, but you are.

Together, they trace the roots of Clutter Free Academy — a Facebook group that grew from a six-week Bible study into a sanctuary for thousands of people who thought they were too messy to belong anywhere. What emerged is one of the kindest corners of the internet, built not on judgment but on compassion, humor, and relentless kindness.

• [03:28] Who Kathi’s “freaks” really are — and why clutter makes us feel less than
• [06:50] From books to Bible study to community: how Clutter Free began
• [09:48] The biggest misunderstanding about “cluttery people”
• [13:09] Fear, guilt, and shame — and how they keep us stuck
• [20:35] Do cluttery people isolate themselves, or is it survival?
• [27:54] How the Clutter Free Facebook group was born (and why it never closed)
• [32:51] The power of kindness as the first step to transformation
• [36:59] Freak Flags Fly: Kathi on humor, chickens, and McDonald’s Diet Coke

Kathi reminds us that clutter is rarely just about misplaced belongings. It’s about the emotions attached to them: fear of needing something someday, guilt over who gave it to us, and shame over money spent. When we treat clutter like a moral failing, we only dig people deeper into isolation.

Unlike programs that shame or overwhelm, Clutter Free Academy is built on what Kathi calls “assaulting people with kindness.” It’s a space where compassion disarms self-criticism, and where belonging becomes the first step toward transformation.

Many people who struggle with clutter avoid in-person church groups or workshops focused on home organization because signing up feels like outing themselves. Online community created a safer alternative. The Clutter Free Academy Facebook Group is a place where anonymity lowers the barrier to entry, and kindness keeps people coming back.

Kathi and Tonya both know clutter intimately, and that shared vulnerability has been Clutter Free Academy’s foundation for trust. In this conversation, we see how naming our mess — literal and emotional — creates space for grace, and how building communities on acceptance instead of performance can turn shame into solidarity.

Kathi Lipp is a bestselling author, speaker, podcaster, and the heart behind Clutter Free Academy. Her books (including Sabbath Soup and The Accidental Homesteader) and communities have helped thousands ditch overwhelm and make room for what matters. Whether wrangling chickens or gathering writers at her Red House, Kathi leads with humor, grace, and the kind of real talk that makes you feel like maybe, just maybe, you’re not alone after all.

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

• “Clutter isn’t a housekeeping problem. It’s fear, guilt, and shame stacked in a pile.” — Kathi Lipp
• “Kindness is the first step to transformation.” — Kathi Lipp
• “You don’t have to earn acceptance by cleaning up. Move the laundry aside and sit down anyway.” — Tonya Kubo

• Clutter Free Academy Facebook Group
• The Clutter Free Academy Podcast
• Clutter Free by Kathi Lipp
• Clutter Free Home by Kathi Lipp

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.

You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.

• Facebook Group
• LinkedIn
• Instagram
• Podcast Hub

Next week, I’m going even deeper on the subject of clutter. I’m unpacking the roots of shame, imperfection, and radical acceptance. We’ll explore why clutter is never just about “too much stuff,” and what it teaches us about building compassionate communities.

A hospital bed, a message board, and the power of finding your people

What we call “lonely” often hides in plain sight. You can be surrounded by people and still feel like you could vanish without anyone noticing. In this kickoff to Find Your Freaks, I share the story of being 29, healing from emergency surgery hours from home. Visible on paper, invisible in reality. Until a stranger showed up with socks, lip balm, and a loud laugh that made the room feel human again. This episode reframes belonging: it isn’t about being included; it’s about being expected: “Of course you’re here. We’ve been waiting for you.” We’ll also talk about why affinity groups matter, and what this show will explore as we hunt for the places where your weird isn’t the cost of entry — it’s the common ground.

• [00:58] Proximity without presence: why people ≠ belonging
• [01:13] Attention without connection (and what it costs us)
• [03:26] The hospital-bed moment: visible, yet unseen
• [04:04] Punk bands & care without a manual: don’t take space at someone else’s expense
• [06:50] A message board, then a stranger: showing up changes everything
• [08:17] Belonging isn’t inclusion; it’s being expected
• [09:14] Why affinity groups exist (moms, survivors, creatives, neurodivergent folks)
• [10:00] What this show will be: honest stories about finding your people

• Proximity ≠ Presence — You can be in a crowded space and feel utterly alone. Belonging requires presence, not just bodies in a room.
• Care in Unexpected Places — Years before the hospital, touring punk bands asked whether I’d feel safe with them crashing on our floor.
• The Debbiie Lesson (with two i’s) — A stranger saw me and kept showing up. She didn’t fill a seat; she made me feel wanted. That’s belonging.
• Why Affinity Groups Matter — Sub-communities aren’t about exclusion; they’re about relief. They’re containers where the mask can come off and the exhale is safe.
• What This Show Is About — Interviews with people who found belonging in unexpected places and solo reflections on the mechanics of connection.

• “Belonging isn’t about being included. It’s about being expected.” — Tonya Kubo
• “You can have proximity without presence.” — Tonya Kubo
• “You’re not too weird or too much. You just haven’t found your freaks yet.” — Tonya Kubo
• “Our weird isn’t the cost of entry. It’s the common ground.” — Tonya Kubo

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point.

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.

You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.

• Facebook Group
• LinkedIn
• Instagram
• Podcast Hub

Next week, I’m sitting down with Kathi Lipp to unpack clutter, shame, and the power of kindness. And why “too much stuff” is rarely about stuff at all.

Ever felt too weird, too loud, too soft, too real — or just too complicated to belong?

This podcast is your proof that you’re not alone.

Find Your Freaks features raw, unfiltered conversations with people who are building belonging in unexpected places — and doing it by showing up exactly as they are. Hosted by community strategist Tonya Kubo, this show digs into the messy, beautiful truth of what it takes to find your people.

New episodes drop Thursdays starting June 2025.

Come for the stories. Stay for the humanity.

And if something hits home? Tell your weirdest friend.

🔗 More from Find Your Freaks

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