For Aliens, By Aliens

Remember when people used to say “whatever” in a valley girl voice while making a big W with their thumbs and forefingers? Of course you don’t. You’re an alien. Well people were hella weird back in the day. The height of art revolved around irony and the internet was just poppin’ off. Join your Earth Ambassadors as they get you crunk on that fly 90s ish...home skillets. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Can you tell me how to get.. How to get to Sesame Street? Your Earth ambassadors sure can’t. But they can tell you all about how the Mariner Moose is really Daniel Day Lewis, school you on the original Greek puppeteer Eucalyptus, and reboot Sesame Street as a Chinese soap opera starring Michael Keaton as Birdman. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Come one baby, make it hurt so good! This week your Earth ambassadors put their tongues on the line to show aliens what’s so great about hot sauce. And what IS so great about hot sauce? Well, it’s like a long walk on the sun, or… or listening to dial-up internet for 20 minutes, or… a nice romantic foot flaying. Oh wait, maybe that’s just Aaron’s alien dating profile. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

Just in time for Thanksgiving, our Earth Ambassadors decided to tell the aliens about their favorite birds: Penguins. Using the term bird loosely here, as penguins are really just a fish-bird hybrid. In this episode, you’ll learn how penguin cannons could save lives, what penguins will do when we finally destroy their habitat, and what a penguin war might look like. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

This week your Earth ambassadors cut the shit and finally get to the topic you’ve been waiting for: hair. Tune in to hear Jacob help Aaron with his disgusting beard problem, help Jacob discover his inner beach boy, and find out which unforgivable hairstyle Aaron once sported (hint: it’s a perm. Aaron once had an actual literal perm). Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

In this special Halloween episode, your Earth ambassadors go to the boss ghost himself, Satan. But really, is Satan that bad? In true ambassador fashion, Aaron and Jacob take a new look at the CEO of all demons, design a custom hell for each other, then give Satan some advice on how to rebrand for the 21st century. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

It’s about time your Earth Ambassadors talked about sex. I mean, finally right? Well, it looks like they’re going a bit deeper than your every Tuesday missionary position (pun fully intended). That’s right, your Earth Ambassadors are tackling everything kinky, even things you may not have known were considered kinks, like ghost sex and butt-scissoring. But hey, ain’t no shame in the kink game. Everyone deserves to gasm the way they want. Cue Van Morrison’s “Everyone” Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com

Did you know that butt hair is really just the last remnants of our built-in pillows? This and many other true scientific facts await you in today’s episode. Science also tells us that one of Aaron’s ancestors, Roy Patterson, will inevitably evolve into a planet-sized human pillow. Also, it’s about time we made pillows vegetarian, don’t you think? Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com)

The ambassadors warned us this day would come if we didn’t change our trifling ways, but now that it’s inevitable, how do we want the world to end? Do we want to go down in a giant peanut butter volcano? What about mass spontaneous implosion? I guess we’ll see. Btw, your Earth Ambassadors may be low key super villains. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com

Is there a world where Frasier actually lives at the end? What if Cloud and Sephiroth totally banged? I mean, they did, but what if it was canonical? Well, join your Earth Ambassadors in welcoming the expert on fan fiction, Audra Khrystine, as she teaches ya boys about popping, locking, docking, and shipping. Oh, and now there’s a FABA fan fiction. Theme song: “Eye of My Mind” by Wooky (wookyofficial.bandcamp.com