Freedom from Attachment

Do you know what impostor syndrome is? Perhaps you’re familiar with it in your professional life, it means the fear of being found out for being fake or phony. The you which you present isn’t really who you are or you feel others will not think it is who you are. For me, I always waited for people to find out I was a bad person, even though nothing about me is…it’s what I dreaded, personally and professionally. So, for those of you who have that feeling, guess what? It’s related to insecure attachment. Whether it’s in your career or your relationships, you never feel deserving of the love or praise you’re given and you worry about FIFO (Fear I’m Found Out). Despite working harder than anyone else to prove you’re worthy, it’s never enough. You’re a perfectionist, but nothing you do or say ever feels “perfect.” These feelings, like insecure attachment, stem back to the conditioning you received as a child.

The good news is that impostor syndrome is a story you keep telling, a facade you can take down. In this episode, you’ll learn how to put down the mask, tackle your feelings, and finally be okay with being you in or out of a relationship.

Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST.

Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you stuck in an anxious-avoidant loop? No matter how much you “think” you want a relationship, you find excuses not to date or in a relationship, you look for problems with your partner. Oh wait! There’s more. You may find yourself dating, which you do trepidatiously, and voila there’s chemistry. You feel the pangs of anxiety and know you’ll be hooked by dinnertime. Whether you are the pursuer or the runner, each position for the anxious avoidant is all about emotional distance, even if on the outside it looks like you’re physically there. Fear has been there for years, but you might think it is normal—the way you’ve always felt. Trying to grasp control, you are used to strategies, so you do not become engulfed or stuck or available. Sometimes you believe it is really the other person, but the truth is you are the common denominator in your love life. And its good news! Because you can do something about it!

This loop of avoidant behavior stems from your subconscious belief system.

To make a change, you need the courage to challenge your fears. In today’s podcast episode, you’ll learn how you can shift your belief system and take emotional risks.

Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST.

If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Karen Fagan struggled with insecurity, as many young women do, so when she was 13 years old she looked for a book on self-confidence. That led to 10 full years of reading about the subject… which unfortunately didn’t work. She hadn’t cracked the confidence code. Then life presented her with two pivotal moments where she was confronted with a question: Who did she want to be? Karen’s answer was simple. She wanted to be a confident, empowered woman, so she committed to it and started acting from that place.

“Obstacles really are an opportunity—an invitation—for who we want to become.” –Karen Fagan

Join me for a powerful conversation with Karen where she talks about the note her husband left the day he packed up his stuff and walked out… and the gift he gave her three months later when she found out why. When we’re afraid, Karen says we want to opt out. That’s the default. But if you use that fear to pull yourself forward instead, you can become the person you were born to be. As a teenager Karen felt crappy all the time. Now she makes the choice to feel good, and it is from that empowered place that she operates. Today she helps other women find their vision so they experience passion, pleasure, and purpose in life without settling. More is available when you simply decide to go after it.

Learn more about Karen and her coaching program:

www.karenfagan.com/

Instagram: @karenfagan

Some of us people please to be liked or because we feel obligated. The problem with placing ourselves in this position is that it's not genuine giving, and it makes us feel disconnected from ourselves. We are trying to control instead of being who we are. We believe we can control how others perceive us, and create an image that we feel is acceptable, but doing so places ourselves in a prison of limitation by not being true to ourselves. Not only is people-pleasing a form of lying, it doesn't actually work. All that effort for no pay off. Only frustration, resentment and non-fulfillment.

If we really saw ourselves through the eyes of others, we would have a mixed bag... and then what would we do? Be a chameleon? Better to turn inward and go with who we really are and what we want to do.

Settling, and the fear of missing out, is a reflection of not feeling good enough as you are right now. When you search for perfection—or even just better than you have—you’re looking for something that doesn’t exist. Many people who are attached struggle with this “not good enough” belief, driving them to sabotage their relationships and create obstacles to happiness. If you second guess your relationship whenever your partner tries to get close to you, listen in.

In this week’s podcast I’ll share the secret to feeling enough so you stop freaking out about settling. It starts with two questions to ask yourself each morning. Do this consistently and you’ll start building your sense of value. Because the thing is, when you chase that greener grass, you bring yourself (and your belief of not being good enough) with you. Then the fear of settling starts all over again. Let’s break that cycle, shall we?

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. Loneliness is a sense of internal isolation which serves as protection. Instead of opening up and sharing your feelings, you retreat because it feels safer. This not only disconnects you from others, but also from yourself. True connection requires vulnerability, which is uncomfortable and the last thing you want to do. You probably feel something is wrong with you, so you put a lot of energy into pretending you’re ok. You wear your “party face,” but feel detached because you have abandoned yourself. No one would suspect you’re lonely because you do such a good job of hiding it, which isolates you even more.

Let’s say you threw a party over the holidays and 20 people came, but you felt lonely and disconnected the whole time. The thought of interacting felt draining because you would have to pretend to enjoy yourself. As you watched others chit chat, you felt even more distance between you and them. You started to wonder why everyone else could have a good time, but not you. What’s wrong with you? Even though you were surrounded by people in a festive atmosphere, you felt terribly alone.

Loneliness isn’t about what other people aren’t giving you. It’s your fear of connection and lack of self-worth. This can keep you stuck your whole life without understanding what you’re doing to create it. It isn’t an external problem that more friends or different social circles will solve; it’s an internal one. The first step in combating loneliness is to admit you’re lonely, and accept it as YOUR responsibility. Then it’s about digging deeper into your feelings of unworthiness and that desire to hide out. The next time you feel yourself withdrawing, take active steps to connect with someone. It may be the last thing you want to do, but vulnerable connection is the antidote to loneliness.

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person.

There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.

Mike Zeller is a serial entrepreneur. But when three of his businesses EACH lost more than $100,000 in a single year, he knew he needed to recalibrate and refocus.

“Your setbacks are your setups to prepare you for your comeback.” –Mike Zeller

Growing up, Mike learned the value of hard work from his immigrant father, so ambition always propelled him forward. Partway through college he became a Christian, which led him to pursue a Master’s in Christian Leadership. His first entrepreneurial pursuit followed: starting churches in Nashville targeted to musicians and creatives. The path ahead looked clear until he was turned down for a church job. That’s when an internal whisper led him toward new adventures.

Mike has started several businesses including a car dealership, real estate firm, co-working space, fashion line, marketing agency, and mastermind/coaching. In 2018, things started falling apart; he lost a lot of money and closed most of his businesses. But this dark period of transition led to a lot of learning, self-awareness and a priority shift toward coaching and mentoring. Today he is an author, and helps high achievers align their purpose with both the business they want to build and the life they want to live while getting unstuck and shaking off limiting beliefs.

Learn more about Mike:

Mikezeller.com

Instagram: @themikezeller

Twitter: @themikezeller

Facebook: @themikezeller

Youtube: @themikezeller

LinkedIn: @themikezeller

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but.

This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.

That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Self-responsibility and self-care are critical to increasing your value. What is self-responsibility? Being responsible for ALL of your words, actions, choices and reactions. People often want to blame outside events and other people, but that makes you a victim. To be valued is to be fulfilled… to be your own best friend. If you take responsibility for yourself, you have power and authority in your life, which means you have value. Other people cannot give you lasting value, only you can by treating yourself with care. Self-care is about taking care of yourself emotionally instead of looking for someone else to do it. It is about healing what ails you.

If you blame your partner for breaking up with you, that speaks to a lack of responsibility. It takes two to tango, so pointing the finger at him/her for all the problems in your relationship is a powerless position. How did you contribute? What can you own up to? You always play a role in how relationships unfold. When you feel the bottom falling out of any situation and want to blame someone or something, stop and ask yourself how you participated in getting here. EMPOWERMENT can only come through responsibility, never through blame. No one can give you something you refuse to give yourself.

When you’re in charge of your choices and taking care of yourself, life is limitless; it can be as amazing as you want it to be. To take responsibility for your life, look at where you are angry or frustrated. Then look at the choices you made to get where you are. This is difficult if you don’t like your choices and have spent a long time blaming others. It’s easier to put that onus on someone else, but that’s not how you reach true happiness and joy. Owning the role you play in your own life is a much more empowering position because only then can you start to change what isn’t working.