Freedom from Attachment

You blame the Universe/God/whatever for what goes wrong in your life, believing you are constantly being punished for not doing things perfectly. Other people are rewarded with what they want, while some force seems to work against you. You hold out hope that one day the Universe will come through for you while simultaneously expecting disappointment. Where the hell did this belief come from?

If you’re like me, it may have come from a parent or caregiver who you relied on for love and attention… which you didn’t receive. You felt unworthy and undeserving despite working hard, so you transferred those beliefs onto something else: the Universe. If daddy won’t give me what I want, why should I expect the universe to cooperate?! In this week’s episode, we’ll dive into why you seek external validation and where it comes from. Failure and disappointment are not your fate. Once you identify these negative beliefs and their origin, you can shift to a more empowered perspective; one in which you DO get what you want.

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)

Remember: you matter. You are worthy, and waiting for conditional approval is waiting for the 12th of never.

Some people think the best place to solve relationship issues is in bed. It feels intimate—a way to connect—but afterwards, are you really any closer? And do you ever find yourself picking fights with the goal of getting to make-up sex because it temporarily relieves your fear of abandonment? When sex is used as a way to manipulate others into sticking around, it’s not a path to emotional intimacy; it’s an obstacle. It’s a way to get lost in intensity so you can avoid your real feelings.

Sex can give you a sense of control, relieve your fear of rejection or temporarily make you believe your relationship is healthy. But it doesn’t last, and it isn’t real. When sex is used as a tool, emotional suffering goes right along with it. In this week’s podcast we’ll look at honesty as the solution. It’s an opportunity to ask yourself why you fight, distance or separate from your partner to create the need for make-up sex… and what you get from it. When you allow yourself to be open and honest with your feelings instead of jumping in the sack, you’ll start to experience what TRUE intimacy is.

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)

Awareness of your pattern will cut the cheap sex through emotionally risky action in favor of real connection.

People always want to know if they should leave their job or their relationship or whatever situation they are unhappy with. Shouldn’t they cut their losses? Isn’t it better to chase the next bright shiny object? The problem is, when people DO make that change, they tend to repeat the same pattern in their next job or next relationship, and they become increasingly frustrated that nothing ever changes. So what’s the solution? Stay longer than is comfortable.

Your inability to stick with situations or relationships long enough to learn from them is what keeps you stuck. Without standing still and being present, you just perpetuate the pattern of cutting bait too soon, chasing what’s next, then convincing yourself this is just who you are. It’s a false story. In this week’s episode I challenge you to stay just a little bit longer than you want to. Because getting excited about the next possibility will eventually wear off and you’ll be in this same spot once again. When you’re curious about why you're here and why staying is so uncomfortable, you get to some deeper truths that open the window to change.

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)

Give up the bright shiny object to stay with the old socks until you are deeply moved to grow by knowing what attracted you to the old socks in the first place.

Growing up, Kirsten struggled with disordered eating and body image. Although she didn't see the connection at the time, she later realized how much her family environment impacted her relationship with food. Her mom was a chronic dieter who talked negatively about her own body, and most of her extended family was diet-focused, so Kirsten picked up on those cues. In college she studied nutrition because food was such a focal point in her life, and she thought if she could just crack the code on eating, her struggles would be over. Of course that wasn't true, but Kirsten continued down this path, getting her Master's degree and becoming a registered dietician... while sneaking food and feeling like a fraud.

"What is causing people to feel out of control around food is the fact that they're engaging in restrictive behaviors." --Kirsten Ackerman

In this podcast, Kirsten shares the shift she experienced when she discovered intuitive eating, realizing she was NOT broken. She describes intuitive eating as a healing framework from chronic dieting where you return to your intuitive wisdom around food--before diet culture affected your relationship with food and body image. She is now an Anti-Diet Registered Dietitian and Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. Her radical shift to "unconditional permission to eat" has helped so many stop the dieting roller coaster and permanently heal their relationship with food.

Learn more about Kirsten:

Website: www.theintuitverd.com

Instagram: @theintuitive_rd

Intuitive Bites Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/7giKBSPjO9aLktIUWjQOEM?si=ee323e7495c94169

Some people equate numbness with happiness. As long as nothing is poking at you screaming for your attention, you think all is right with the world, and you work hard to maintain this state. But when something triggers you, you can’t handle being out of control, so you scramble to get back to that safe space you THINK is happiness. Nope, it’s numbness, and it’s not where you want to live.

Many people say they aren't control freaks, but their internal feelings tell a different story. If you feel anxious whenever you let loose, have fun or feel attracted to someone, that’s a sign of control. In this week’s podcast I challenge you to become more aware of this paradigm because many people delude themselves into thinking they’re happy when in fact they are just numb and trying to avoid being triggered. Happiness is not to be feared, but you need to let go of control in order to let it in.

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)

You can pretend numbness is peace and happiness or you can challenge yourself to lose control and have FUN, emotional intimacy and vulnerability! Uh yeah happiness!

Attachment and care are two different things, and mistaking one for the other can lead to chronic disappointment. When you have expectations about what someone should do, or how they should treat you to show you they care, your happiness is dependent on a fantasy. Are you afraid that if you don’t get what you want, your world will end? Focusing on what your partner does wrong and/or hoping you’ll feel better when they finally “get their act together” is not living in reality. And it’s not really considering their feelings; it’s more about how they can relieve your pain or create a momentary high that you THINK is love.

Being wrapped up in expectations and putting conditions around other people's actions makes it hard to live a fulfilling life. In this week’s episode I’ll talk about slowing down so you can pay attention to what’s happening in the present moment. This will take you out of fantasy land where you believe it’s someone else’s responsibility to earn your love. The solution is not finding the “right” person who will always do what you want and make you feel good. When you treat yourself how you want to be treated and let go of expectations, you create space for a loving, caring relationship that goes both ways.

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)

You can look like you care when you don’t see yourself clearly… but do you feel like you care? To love another you really should love yourself.

For many people who are stuck, pain is what drives them to seek change. It could be a toxic relationship or yet another holiday spent alone. Maybe it’s wanting to finally escape not feeling good enough. But when anger and frustration are your only motivators, change isn’t very effective… and it doesn’t last. Especially if you’re changing yourself just to get someone else to change. Instead, you need to know why you’re not where you want to be, and have a deep desire to grow your self value.

When you complain, blame and compare yourself to others, fear is running the show. And wanting to run away is often a sign that you need to stand still. In this week’s episode, I’ll share different questions you can ask yourself to evaluate your readiness for change. If you’re not there yet, that’s ok! Accepting where you are is an important first step. Once you are clear on what you want to change and why, you can start taking action in that direction. And THAT’S when meaningful change happens because there is a big difference between moving toward something you want, and moving away from something you don’t want.

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)

Rushing yourself out of the current pain can mean you don’t learn anything to contribute to permanently moving toward happiness.

Most of us have periods in our lives where it feels like everything is a shit show. You feel like the universe is conspiring against you and no one is on your team. Even when people do try to help by offering advice, it annoys the crap out of you. Then, on top of it all, you feel wrong in your feelings because you think you should be able to rise above it. Society says to buck up and be positive! When life happens and you start going down the rabbit hole, it’s ok to stay there for a moment, but you do not want to get stuck there. Wallowing for weeks (or longer) is a victim pattern you need to look at because YOU are the one keeping yourself there.

Your active participation in your life matters. When you blame other people, or the universe, for what’s happening, you stay buried in that hole. In this week’s podcast I share my personal experience with loss and my husband’s illness. During the last 18 months I have been challenged to surrender and find happiness even while surrounded by tragedy. It is not easy, but you can choose to accept what’s going on, take responsibility for your part, feel what’s happening and move the heck forward. It really is a choice, and I'll show you what worked for me.

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)

You can be an action-taking victim, or you can decide to be an action-taking authentic human being who is happy.

Majo Molfino is the daughter of immigrants who grew up as a “good girl,” getting good grades and following the rules. After graduating from college, she got a grown-up cubicle job as one is expected to do, but something immediately felt off. She looked at herself in the mirror and felt like she was wearing a costume. For the first time Majo questioned what she was put on this planet to do. And the only answer she had at the time was: not this. A year into her job she finally quit, moved to California… and took a very similar job (growth isn’t a linear process!). But after quitting the second time, and having an awakening at the Burning Man festival, she realized her purpose was to guide and support women in their creative expression.

“We’ve been socialized to be good, as women, instead of powerful.” –Majo Molfino

This insight led Majo to Stanford where she got a Master’s in learning, design and technology. The design thinking she learned, coupled with her “good girl” upbringing, provided the framework for her coaching, podcast, book and IGNITE leadership program. Join me as Majo talks about transformation and change, which she believes is a combination of insights and action. Today she guides women toward more power and meaning through her blend of storytelling, design, psychology and mindfulness.

Learn more about Majo’s IGNITE leadership program, Heroine podcast and book “Break the Good Girl Myth":

https://majomolfino.com/

Instagram: @majomolfino

Podcast: ‎https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/heroine/id1100949693

Book: https://www.amazon.com/Break-Good-Girl-Myth-Purposeful/dp/0062894056/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2ZNB19KXZ64J0&dchild=1&keywords=majo+molfino&qid=1617386382&sprefix=majo+molfino%2Caps%2C203&sr=8-1

Loyalty. What does that mean to you? And where did you learn it? As a kid, if you were around adults (particularly your caregivers) who lied, cheated, and/or treated others as disposable, you may have never learned what loyalty really is. As a result, you may have spent your adult life looking for greener pastures, or trying to determine when to cut bait because you don’t know how long the relationship will last and you’d rather leave before you REALLY get hurt. This doesn’t just happen with intimate relationships, either. When you lack a loyal role model, it impacts friendships and work situations too.

And the bigger issue is that you don’t know how to be loyal to yourself! You break commitments to yourself and lack boundaries, diminishing your sense of value. In this week’s episode we will explore the concept of loyalty, how your early role models framed your perception of it and why it’s so important for healthy relationships. Then we’ll look at how to shift things. When you are clear on what you want, and believe you deserve it, you’ll put energy toward deepening connections with people instead of dropping them.

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)

Having what you want is easy once you stop trying to sabotage intimate bonds with others.