Freedom from Attachment

Many people have issues around three key areas in life: love, money, and health. And if you’ve done some work on yourself, you realize much of what keeps you from having what you want comes from negative beliefs (I don’t deserve, I’m not good enough, etc.). You focus on breaking patterns and building your value to the point that you not only believe you CAN meet the love of your life, make the money you want or stick to a healthy lifestyle… it actually happens! Until the other shoe drops.

Let’s say you’re finally in a healthy relationship after a lot of work on yourself and life is rosy. But then, you start having weird pains in your body and you think you’re going to die. Where is this coming from? It’s your good ol’ beliefs tapping you on the shoulder; the ones that say you don’t deserve to be healthy. Or, since you’re happy in your relationship, you think you deserve to be punished in some other area of your life. Just because you ditch your negative beliefs over “here” doesn’t mean they won’t show up over “there.” In fact, they will continue showing up until you address them in ALL areas of your life. Fun, right? If you find this happening to you, don’t get discouraged. Just focus on deserving good and taking courageous steps. It’s all part of the journey.

Every time you say, “My husband is a narcissist and I’m stuck here,” or “I’m never going to make more than $X because I have always earned a low salary,” you are telling yourself a story. You probably don’t even realize how many stories go through your head at any given time because they run on autopilot, based on judgments you have made. But guess what? You created them, so you also have the power to change them.

Let’s say you believe your sister is always angry with you, no matter what you do. When she hosts family gatherings at her house instead of yours it’s because you’ve done something to piss her off. You think she doesn’t care about your family, so you are always on the defense when she calls. Even when she’s nice, you look for evidence to support the story she’s always angry with you. Assuming the ending to a situation that hasn’t unfolded yet is how you keep your life limited. Instead, pay attention to your thoughts and judgments about yourself and others. Question them. What if they weren’t true? You can choose to react to situations based on your stories, or you can question their validity and write yourself a different ending.

Are you insecure about your parenting—wondering if you’re doing a not so great job? If you grew up insecurely attached without a lot of self-love, you probably fear that you will unwittingly insert your old patterns and beliefs into your kids. And no matter how hard you try, you see your kids exhibit avoidant behaviors like hiding, people-pleasing or not taking responsibility for their actions. You feel guilty, so instead of allowing them to screw up and suffer the consequences, you protect them by giving them a “get out of jail free card,” money, cleaning up after them, doing their homework, etc. You do not want them to suffer disappointment or anything negative. On top of it, you people-please your own kids for fear they won’t love you.

Rescuing your children from life experiences doesn’t help them. It’s actually a disservice because dealing with disappointment builds emotional resiliency, which is key to happiness and wellbeing. When you try to make it easy for them as children, you make it harder for them as adults—this is a lesson I have personally learned. A lot of my choices around raising my kids came from fear. Now, however, we have an open, loving relationship built on honesty and proper boundaries. If you want your children to become adults who trust themselves, love themselves and prioritize themselves, stop protecting them from pain and rejection. Letting your kids show up for themselves is the best thing you can do for them.

Do you avoid negative emotions like the plague? Maybe you only believe in being positive, so when negativity sneaks up, you don’t want to deal with it. You shove it down, but eventually hit the tipping point where fear, depression, and anxiety pop up. Feeling totally out of control, you’re desperate to get back to feeling ok again, except you really weren’t ok to begin with—you were in a numb bubble.

Perhaps you tell people you’re happily single and have no desire for a relationship. You go to work, come home and have a set routine. You feel a false sense of peace and happiness because everything is under your control, but it’s an illusion. Suddenly you lose your job or meet someone you hadn’t planned on and your world is upended. When you are used to your cozy numb bubble, actual feelings can be overwhelming. But staying in the bubble is small and limited, not allowing you to live in a meaningful way. To truly experience all that life has to offer you have to step into your fear and FEEL your negative emotions. It really is the way out because numbness does not equal happiness.

When it comes to partners, do you pick ones who are generally happy or generally miserable? Do they walk around with a dark cloud overhead, complaining all the time, or do they smile when doing small tasks like folding the laundry? The people you are drawn to reflect your own state of happiness. And no, happy doesn’t mean jumping up and down 24/7 or those crazy, intense feelings. It means being peaceful, connected to yourself, satisfied, fulfilled, etc. So if you’re tired of draining relationships full of struggle and want to catch yourself a happy fish, it’s time to up the ante on your own happiness.

Happiness starts with being in control of your own emotional state, rather than relying on others to take care of it for you. That’s what lifts the heaviness and allows you to have a light and happy life even when things are dark or challenging. You trust things will be ok because deep inside YOU are ok. Then it’s about sharing your dreams and happiness with your partner rather than focusing on problems. You don’t have to choose people who are depressed so you can “fix” them. Misery is easy. Happiness takes courage, but once you choose it for yourself, you will find your own happy little fish!

Did things affect you deeply as a kid, feeling overly sensitive to everything around you? I used to feel my doll’s pain, my stuffed animals’ pain, and even a caterpillar’s pain! Maybe your heart ached when someone got yelled at (or when you were yelled at). Whatever it was, people around you probably told you to get over it. Then, you started to shut down those feelings and disown them because you felt shame. You created a hard shell to protect yourself from your own sensitivity so it wouldn’t show to others, which snowballed into other avoidant behaviors. Swallowing your feelings was a way of receiving validation that you weren’t an overreacting crazy person. It was how you avoided rejection.

When you equate sensitivity with pain and potential loss, you will work really hard to cover up your feelings and hide who you are. You may play the role of the funny people-pleaser, always looking for validation that you’re ok. Or maybe you create your own fantasy world to live in which is safe, but deeply lonely. However, being sensitive is actually a good thing when you fully embody it and use it as your superpower for your own emotions and desires. Reconnecting with that sensitive kid inside and embracing all the feelings you have shoved down will give you an incredible sense of peace and well-being. Sensitivity is a gift.

You have spent your life doing for others, worried that if you don’t put them first, they’ll leave… or at the very least they’ll be mad at you. It’s exhausting, however, so you want to start prioritizing yourself and your growth. You know you’ll feel better, shed the resentment and have more energy, but what if the people in your life think you don’t need them anymore? What if they think you’re being selfish?

It is NOT selfish to want to feel good. You are actually doing the world a favor by taking care of yourself because a happier you means a more pleasant person for others to be around. When you focus on how you feel, what lights you up and what you want, everyone benefits. How different would it feel to make decisions based on what you want rather than what someone else wants? How much lighter and energized would you feel? If you wait for permission to say no to someone else so you can say yes to yourself, you’ll be waiting forever. Stop believing people will leave in droves if you “selfishly” take care of yourself. The ones who do are a negative in your life, not a positive. You’re a kick-ass person who deserves to be happy. Decide you deserve your own love and attention. Do it selfishly and others will reap the benefits.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment”, I talk with Josh Spencer, paraplegic of 23 years and owner of the Last Bookstore in Los Angeles. Listen in as he takes us through his darkest moment that he experienced at the young age of 21 when he was in a horrific moped accident that resulted in him being paralyzed.

After a series of additional losses and being diagnosed with depression, he started to become more ambitious and was able to move forward by creating the world-famous bookstore, the Last Bookstore. Learn about the Last Bookstore at: http://lastbookstorela.com/ and facebook.com/lastbookstore. Follow the Last Bookstore @lastbookstorela.

You finally called it quits with your partner who always told you what to do and when to do it. You complained about how he/she controlled you or manipulated you, so ending the relationship felt like a huge relief. But not long after that one ended, you walked straight into another one, leaving you to wonder why everyone is such a controlling a-hole. Where are all the “normal” people?

Ending a relationship because you think the other person is the problem is not the path to a healthy relationship. Until you look at how you showed up and how you helped create the situation, you’ll keep repeating the same old patterns that landed you in these controlling relationships. If you keep convincing yourself it’s about them, you’re robbing yourself of the chance at a healthy relationship. You are the only one who can change the dynamic. Get to the root of why you choose controlling partners (hint: it speaks to what you believe you deserve), then make choices toward valuing yourself and filling your own void. Once you do this you’ll attract someone who allows you to be who you are, without the shackles.

Looking to move past the bullshit in a quicker manner with these tendencies to find relationships to be anxious in? Then check out my new group: https://www.tracycrossley.com/the-love-addict-bootcamp/

Do you have an image in your head of who you are supposed to be? And does that image contradict who you actually are? These images often stem from a need for love and respect, thinking the only way to have either is by being what other people want. This can lead to contortionism where you bend yourself to fit a particular picture, or walking on eggshells so people won’t see the real you. Maybe you go to med school because that is the expectation in your family. In relationships, it can manifest as working extra hard to be the nurturer or provider or anything else that goes against your true nature.

But what if it didn’t have to be so hard? What if you were loved and accepted without the costume? When you let go of the idea of who you’re supposed to be, it allows the space to become who you are. Yes, it is REALLY scary to chip away at the façade you’ve grown accustomed to. What if you end up broke or alone? Is it worth the risk? Uncovering who you are beneath all those layers of conditioning leads to a freer, happier existence where you are in a state of flow. You get to stop swimming upstream, wondering why you’re so depleted. To get there, however, you have to ask yourself some difficult questions and face some uncomfortable truths. Then you can move away from your false identity and take steps in the direction of who you actually are.