Freedom from Attachment

Have you ever met someone where the chemistry was incredible, but it led you to act like a complete lunatic? Maybe this person canceled dinner plans, triggering you to do things that made you cringe WHILE doing them. But you couldn’t stop it from happening. You barely recognize yourself because you’re usually pretty even-keeled. When triggered into this crazy mode, some people throw objects or scream in public or send a million text messages or stalk someone on social media or sleep with their ex. You feel shame for your actions, desperately wanting your equilibrium back, but this person you are attached to—the one who triggers your crazy—has you strung up. You feel powerless.

So what causes “normal,” rational people to spin totally out of control? Often it’s a combination of scarcity and fear of abandonment. You’re afraid love can only come from this person who you have wildly intense feelings for, reminding you of how hard you worked for love as a kid. And you’re afraid that if you don’t hold on for dear life, you’ll lose them. It doesn’t really matter what your brand of crazy is. What matters is why you do it; what your motivation is. And the best way to uncover it is to let your crazy run free. Beating it back just submerges it. When you give yourself permission to go bat shit crazy, you start to accept all of yourself, which brings you to wholeness. So go ahead, unleash the beast!

A lot of people think happiness is like an amusement park ride with intense highs that must be chased. But happiness is subtler than that, and what you THINK leads to happiness may actually result in the opposite. Many anti-happiness behaviors become patterns without you realizing it, and they can end up ruling your life. By recognizing and then stopping them, you actually challenge yourself to become who you truly are, which is critical to true, sustained happiness.

In this podcast I address more than 20 behaviors that lead to UNhappiness including rescuing, looking for problems, assuming, control and many more. They are all designed by your subconscious to keep you safe because it’s what you learned many years ago. Most of the things you do are strategies from when you were young before you had the ability to even know why you have chosen to do and say the things you do. It makes change and vulnerability look scary. Letting go of these patterns takes time, so be patient with yourself. The first step is recognizing them, which is what this list will help you do. When you catch yourself engaging in them, stop. Ask yourself what you are afraid of or what you’re trying to avoid. When you question your motive and do the opposite of what you usually do, your life will start to change and happiness won’t feel so elusive.

Most people have narcissistic tendencies, it is part of what keeps human beings alive. Without it, no one would be here. The problem with slapping that label on your partner is that it may prevent you from seeing and acknowledging your own stuff. No one is in a position to judge others, and doing so is often a reflection of how you see yourself because other people are mirrors for your own behavior. If you want to solve the “narcissistic” issue and feel a sense of well-being, instead of disempowerment, you have to take responsibility for the red flags you ignored. Even if you ARE in a relationship with a narcissist, you have to ask yourself why you’re there.

Labeling others is just another form of blame, and it is used to avoid taking responsibility for your actions. When you look for sympathy for your situation from the person you’re with instead of owning your role in being there, it keeps you stuck in victimhood. Love cannot be earned through blame or manipulation. Instead of wanting sympathy and to be reassured you’re the good one, take your power back by acknowledging you have a choice in who you are with. No one forced you to be in this relationship. The deeper questions you want to ask yourself are why are you there? What validation are you looking for? The goal isn’t to change the “narcissist” because of course, you have no control over them. Instead, focus on yourself so you can move from victim to empowered.

Do people ever do things that annoy you, but you keep it to yourself because you know they won’t change their behavior? Or have you broken up with someone out of anger and regretted it later? Maybe you want to express your regret, but figure your ex has probably moved on… so what’s the point? It all seems like a waste of effort. The thing is, sharing your feelings has nothing to do with changing the other person. It’s about changing you.

Speaking your truth sends a message to yourself and others that your feelings matter; that YOU matter. This is particularly important if you spent your childhood disowning your feelings, believing they had no value. It’s not about getting someone else to change—you have no control over that. It’s about honoring what exists inside you and being vulnerable enough to share it. Each time you express your feelings without any expectation attached to it, you grow your love for yourself. And when you do that, you’re able to love more openly and unconditionally with others. Stop talking yourself out of expressing yourself. It matters.

You’re in a dysfunctional relationship that isn’t making you happy. Your partner doesn’t treat you the way you want, so you’re always complaining and thinking about leaving. But you fear being alone; maybe your lifestyle would drastically change if you were to split. You keep waiting for things to change, and maybe he/she even reacts to something differently than you expect, giving you hope the tide is turning. It doesn’t. Your friends and family encourage you to leave, saying you deserve better, so you berate yourself for staying. This constant struggle between staying and leaving is exhausting, and it distracts you from dealing with the one thing you have control over: YOU.

What if you changed the game, stopped listening to everyone else and gave yourself permission to stay? What if you welcomed this relationship with open arms and used it as an opportunity to grow yourself? When you accept where you are instead of spending all your time and energy wishing things were different, you can start dealing with your fears. Making a conscious choice is empowering, moving you away from victimhood, so you can work on yourself and gain some clarity about what you actually want.

Self-awareness is great—essential even—but what do you do with it? Maybe you notice your patterns and recognize when you go into victim mode, but you can’t stop. It’s like watching a movie you’ve seen 100 times. You know how things will end, even though you’re desperate to change it. And that can lead you down the rabbit hole of feeling bad about yourself; believing nothing will ever change. But what have you really done? Read some books? Listened to this podcast? Awareness doesn’t mean much without action.

If you are having an affair with someone who has a lot of obstacles around spending time with you, you are probably in a constant tug-of-war of being pissed off, yet unable let go. You are aware you aren’t treating yourself with respect, but you stay and accept breadcrumbs, leaving you to feel horrible about yourself. Feeling powerless, you complain, wondering when your life will turn around.

If you actually want to move away from victimhood and make changes in your life, you have to break free of the cycle by DOING. That means taking emotionally risky action, which, yes, is scary. But scary is what moves the needle. Otherwise, you will continue moving through life as a victim, watching yourself do it, and berating yourself for it. There is strength and courage in asking for help, so if you find yourself unable to take a step, reach out to someone.

Do you feel like you’re a go-with-the-flow person most of the time… until you hit a big roadblock? This often happens in situations where what you want is totally different from what your partner wants. You try to be flexible, but at some point you feel like everything is pushing against you, leaving you frustrated and angry. It turns out you actually do want your way, and you want it NOW! You want to have the picture in your head so you go from easy-breezy to totally losing it.

Let’s imagine you live with your partner who you recently broke up with. You make it easy on him/her by handing over all the furniture and helping them find a place to live. But instead of accepting your help, they dig their heels in, making things unbearable because they’re pissed about the break-up. Things did not go as you planned, leaving you feeling trapped, stuck and screwed. Growth doesn’t always come in the package you want. Sometimes you have to stay where you are because there is a lesson in it. When there is something for you to work through and you try to leapfrog away from it, you actually shortchange yourself. Instead of staying stuck in frustration, confront your fears and look for the lesson. It is a gift.

Many of us frown on the “entitled” without realizing we ourselves feel it, believing we are owed something in this life. It often stems from childhood. If you weren’t shown how to value yourself and fill your own emotional tank, you looked externally. You thought hard work would be rewarded, as if a fairy godmother was keeping score and would fill up the part of you that was missing. Unfortunately, this belief will keep you stuck in a cycle of anger and frustration, waiting for a reward that may never come.

Entitlement isn’t about deserving—it’s about scarcity. If you work like no one’s business, you feel entitled to your piece of the pie. Maybe you put years of effort into a relationship that isn’t working, waiting for it to become the partnership you “deserve.” When it doesn’t happen, you are left angry and resentful, cursing the universe for not providing what you think you’re owed. When you discover these feelings of entitlement, ask yourself what’s really missing. Can you pull back your efforts and connect with yourself to fill your own void? Entitlement is a disconnect between your heart and your head. Instead of holding tightly to what you’re “entitled” to, let go of the outcome and allow yourself to experience life.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Lucia Giovannini, a former Italian supermodel turned best-selling author, spiritual teacher, transformational coach, environmental & animal activist, and author of 13 books.

Listen in as she takes us through her journey of relationships and finding her higher purpose to now where she is a Master Fire-walking Trainer, an NLP and Neuro-Semantics Trainer, and a recognized international Life Coach.

Learn more about Lucia at https://www.luciagiovannini.com/.

Obstacles provide fantastic excuses for staying stuck: “He’ll leave his wife when his youngest graduates,” or “She will be ready to commit once she is financially secure.” By sacrificing yourself and putting what you want on hold, do you hope to eventually be rewarded with the relationship you want? Do you fantasize about him/her saying, “Screw it, the kids will get over it. Let’s do this!”? When you hide behind obstacles, you avoid dealing with your deeper fears of rejection, abandonment or being alone.

Suppose your partner moves away and you can’t handle a long-distance relationship so you keep asking him/her to move back. Sometimes he/she talks about returning at some point in the future, but other times suggests you both move on. You are so focused on removing the obstacle (distance), you don’t realize you’re living in a fantasy of how things would be if you lived in the same zip code. So you hold onto hope, continuing with a relationship you are both afraid to let go of. If you are in a relationship with a giant obstacle, look at how you romanticize it. Obstacles provide a comfortable barrier to intimacy, leaving you wanting what you can’t have. And unfortunately, removing them usually doesn’t solve the problem… because the real problem hides behind the obstacle.