youtube episode: https://youtu.be/0doV1ZWLOKM

part two of the 2020 Love, Lust & Loathing Q&A!! thank you for your patience ~ make sure to watch the first video on limerence too!

00:00

00:10 - navigating female friendships when decentering romance

03:23 - maintaining sovereignty while dating

06:54 - my perspective on romantic love and pressures to settle down or be in a relationship

11:30 - how to stop being envious of other people in relationships

12:12 - age gap relationships

13:01 - work crushes and asking men out

14:32 - seeing potential in men

16:15 - detaching from nostalgia for a first love

17:43 - decentering men while being in a relationship

19:06 - men that are financially dependent on women

23:03 - casual hookups

related videos:

how to lock-in so hard your crush dies (metaphorically)

https://youtu.be/rOtI0i13dIA

pick me seed: internalised misogyny, patriarchy, decentering men

https://youtu.be/gGVt7vpxX28

hot girl habits

https://youtu.be/DszRCbx0_AE

what is love

https://youtu.be/mqu4RRzr2oo

increasing your baseline

https://youtu.be/iwT59y8LWfE

relationships are transactional

https://youtu.be/e4hrPViYKK8

hot girl habits

https://youtu.be/DszRCbx0_AE

non negotiable hobby

https://youtu.be/XlStSk0b4KI

https://youtu.be/jKVo3bGoyxg

people pleasing

https://youtu.be/0a0SFegK0QU

https://youtu.be/tuCg_2muajY

hook up culture

https://youtu.be/ZlWzGbWpeJI

boundaries, friends with benefits

https://youtu.be/cU7Fr7DNEz4

flirting & crushes

https://youtu.be/i-Mx2bPt1-o

books (affiliate links):

The Road Less Travelled

https://amzn.to/496J0SD

The Tragedy of Heterosexuality

https://amzn.to/4jvfFoz

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

Recording of the second discussion group for part 1 of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden ~ Baddie Book Club! We discuss reflecting on times where we've noticed we've had low self-esteem, dealing with uncertainty that comes with transition periods after break-ups and during gap years, having self-compassion for your former self, how to integrate "failure" into our definition of success and more!

join the Patreon to join the next discussion sessions! patreon.com/amberakilla

The Six Pillars of Self Esteem (affiliate link*) https://amzn.to/496J0SD

follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

slay habit trackers ☆ free download https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

00:00

01:30 - knowing you deserve to be happy/ dealing with triggers

02:46 - integration vs healing

04:32 - distinction between mind and body, managing over-thinking

05:52 - being ok with not knowing

06:35 - whimsy and rejecting perfection

07:34 - illusion that everything has to be ‘good’

08:20 - how low-self esteem translates into how you live your life - gap year: freedom vs uncertainty

09:15 - absence of community after school

10:16 - enjoying who you are as a person

11:25 - dance & yoga

14:57 - work and self-worth

17:05 - protecting and prioritising joy

19:40 - self-esteem and love, not feeling loveable

22:13 - people with high self-esteem do not stay with partners who don’t treat them well

24:08 - self-esteem and knowing you don’t have to tolerate poor treatment

24:45 - childhood experiences that condition us to accept or normalise poor treatment

25:40 - remembering when you were able to walk away

26:49 - doing the best with the information you had at the time

27:00 - the illusion of “this time will be different”

27:27 - processing breakups

28:10 - self-compassion for your former self

29:58 - you are not alone

30:40 - looking forward to an abundant life

31:44 - accepting accountability - seeing dynamics as neutral and avoiding fixation on context

33:14 - distinguishing accountability from blame

34:20 - how time changes your perspective - one day it will mean something different

35:38 - “failure” is part of success

36:55 - how you learn and integrate “failure”

37:20 - self efficacy and self respect

38:10 - being to see your progress and improvement

39:12 - knowing when to get off the wrong train

41:08 - you never fail, you win or you learn

41:28 - unquantifiable success and growth

43:00 - relationship with time, responsibility and purpose - being present

45:14 - being on the hamster wheel

45:20 - delayed gratification, pushing yourself vs punishing yourself

49:55 - your relationship to your circumstances

51:11 - the immune system of consciousness

ok so i originally said this was going to be one long video with an accompanying substack article - now it will be a few videos with one or more substack articles… stay tuned! i hope you enjoy the first instalment of the 2026 love, lust & loathing valentine’s day series! this started as a mix series on soundcloud (you can still listen to the previous mixes) but in 2024 i added a lil Q&A which i thought to bring back this year! this first video focuses on differentiating between crushes and limerence - i fear many people might be mis-identifying a crush as limerence or being overly hard on themselves with the over-pathologisation of therapy speak etc… don’t let the desire to grow and evolve kill the whimsy in you!!! cute, CHAOTIC and critical thinking can co-exist, just make sure that its a balance that works in your favour!!! love u xx

youtube video: https://youtu.be/rOtI0i13dIA

00:00 intro

02:15 1. defining love

03:51 - question 1

05:05 - 2. defining limerence

05:39 - 3. the stages of limerence

06:33 - 4. limerence vs a crush

07:50 - 5. a crush is a lack of information

08:19 - 6. sexual energy is a form of creative energy

limerence is becoming overly attached to the fantasy you create

08:51 - 7. weigh the attention you receive accordingly

09:12 - 8. get a creative hobby or 5 if you need

10:04 - 9. it takes longer to know someone than you think

10:51 - 10. they represent something that you need to nurture or work towards for yourself/maybe you just wanna be him

10:59 - 11. career woman blindspot

11:30 - 12. avoid working with your romantic interests

12:04 - 13. storytime :P

12:39 - 14. the disrespect is the closure

12:48 - 15. you don’t need other people’s approval to validate what you want to do

14:09 - 16. never assume that a man is more capable than you

14:25 - 17. the dangers of prioritising male attention

14:49 - 18. what do i get out of being delusional over this person

14:51 - 19. men rarely go out of their way unless they perceive a benefit to themselves

14:59 - 20. actions speak louder than words

15:45 - 21. the road to recovery for pickmeshas

16:05 - 22. men need to learn to love others, women need to learn to love themselves

16:08 - question 2

18:02 - 23. awareness is a privilege

18:39 - 24. you can’t consume your way into a new pattern

18:57 - 25. if you have complex trauma, seek the guidance of a mental health professional

19:12 - 26. eliminating triggers and isolation is not enough

19:19 - 27. you need to add activities that bring you joy and activate your creativity and self-expression

19:45 - 28. the “flow state”

19:56 - 29. the illusion of a flow state from external sources

20:25 - 30. journalling

21:01 - 31. keep an ick list

speak to professionals

21:21 - 32. set a good example for yourself

22:18 - 33. lock in

22:52 - 34. believe in your future self

23:39 - 35. speak to professionals!

audio recording of our first baddie book club discussion session!! thank you to the baddies who attended and shared their questions, thoughts and feelings! if you would like to join the baddie book club, please join us on patreon! i am re-working the reading schedule and am open to hosting additional discussion sessions to accommodate different timezones. let me know!!! ♡ please share your own insights in the comment section too so we can continue the conversation!!

Session notes:

00:00 - introdution/first impressions

05:14 - self-esteem is essential for survival, self-esteem and work

10:39 - continuing to learn outside of formal academic environments

14:08 - self-esteem and how to think vs what to think

16:00 - self-esteem and relationships, social circle

19:21 - the road less travelled - ‘bracketing’ the ego

30:26 - happiness without self-sabotage

32:40 - fear of success

32:26 - being comfortable in familiarity

32:35 - letting go of pain

34:36 - changing how to relate to pain, trauma, events, relationships

34:52 - healing vs growth, inegration, authenticity, self-actualization - self-help industry

38:36 - the difference between pursuing growth vs perfectionism

41:41 - the pillars of health vs the health industry

43:40 - mind & body

44:31 - being too in your head - you can’t think your way into perfection or growth

46:33 - give yourself space to process, observe and respond

47:26 - on the other side of anxiety

48:07 - hot girl habits - prioritizing yourself so that you can show up for your responsibilties

50:37 - the importance of self-esteem in turbulent times

52:10 - identity and purpose through stress/anxiety

52:42 - how can i be content, do you don’t need to be in a constant state of ecstasy

53:17 - noticing when you are treating it like a destination and not a journey

54:25 - question everything

54:55 - its ok to make mistakes

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/DhFmgfKp73Q?si=D7aWmgHwrbQueGq3

outlining some ideas around different types of connection and social circles - this is just a starting point and i actually found out about aristotle's 'types of friendship' (pleasure, utility, virtue) after filming this video and there's a lot of parallels between what is discussed in the video, so i would say its kind of like an expansion pack to his original idea. i think even though being social is inherent to human nature, there are so many factors that can complicate how we relate to ourselves and others, it doesn't hurt to take the time to reflect on our friendships and relationships generally so that we can ensure we are showing up with intention and authenticity! please share your thoughts and experiences too so we can continue the conversation!!

03:08 - being hot & having fun revision

04:47 - give yourself time to grow and evolve

05:50 - categories of friendship/connection

08:18 - social circles

09:17 - your relationship with yourself

10:37 - social circles

11:14 - inner circle

11:43 - acquaintance circle

11:56 - balancing online and offline relationships

13:27 - beware of performative values

14:29 - realistic pacing

14:46 - adjusting focus

15:45 - moving between circles

16:38 - don’t take change personally

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2

autumn in my arms playlist !!!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270

my thoughts on the people pleasing dynamic. i think healthy, balanced relationships take more work that we are willing to admit and it starts with your relationship with yourself first :') more thoughts to come!!!! let me know yours too!!!

01:10 1. people pleasing dynamic

02:29 2. connotations of people pleasing

03:46 3. re-defining love

04:07 4. underlying mindset

04:42 5. being questioned/dismissed

05:10 6. the habit of people pleasing

05:39 7. non-negotiable hobbies to create boundaries

06:59 8. consistency is key

07:17 9. living to your full potential is the priority

08:28 10. resentment and self-abandonment/disappointment

08:51 11. other people’s problems actually aren’t your problem

09:16 12. redirect the energy into something constructive/creative/for yourself

10:04 13. accept that you’ve underestimated your ability/capacity/potential

10:21 14. people pleasing creates an inauthentic dynamic

10:41 15. make a note of incompatibilities as they arise

11:10 16. notice the reflex of taking it personally

11:31 17. you feel like a bitch compared to the people-pleasing version of you

12:31 18. who cares

12:51 19. the price of being hot and having fun

13:18 20. learn to discern

13:38 21. don’t let people guilt you into a lose-win situation

14:00 22. pay me to care

14:58 23. boundaries are self-responsibility for your energy and attention

15:42 24. allow space to process your own emotions and triggers too

17:06 25. people pleasing in group dynamics

18:03 26. write down your priorities

18:58 27. accept the consequences & take responsibility, are you willing to pay the price

19:15 29. your integrity is compromised if you are always looking to assign blame to others

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/e4hrPViYKK8

using an analogy about food to talk about transactional relationships and energy exchange. often times we are too externally focused on how other people behave and guessing their intentions. in reality, i feel like when you are locked in on what YOUR intentions are and contributing/giving/showing up from an authentic place, you take everything less personally and which relationships are mutually beneficial and reciprocal will naturally present themselves. your ability to discern who you do and don't want to be around will improve over time as well! let me know your thoughts and any other analogy ideas you have!

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2

autumn in my arms playlist !!!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/boT5swEW5vs

if you've been following me for a while, you'll probably have heard me reference and recommend this book over and over. the six pillars of self-esteem by nathaniel branden literally changed my life, it put so much of what i was struggling to put into practice, into words and actionable steps. i can't recommend this book enough!!!

rather than just repeating what is already in the book - because i recommend you read it for yourself - this video approaches the pillars of self-esteem through the lens of being hot & having fun.

let me know if you've read the book and please keep me posted if you do!

i've made a summary and sentence completion worksheet that is available for purchase and download. you can use it as additional journal prompts in your journalling or thought-dumping practice!

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

https://amzn.to/496J0SD (*) affiliate link

this is the first video in the 'hot girl book club' series where i discuss books that have been directly or indirectly influential on me and the philosophy of being hot & having fun.

05:06 - being hot & having fun revision

05:54 - pillar i: the practice of living consciously

07:00 - pillar ii: the practice of self-acceptance

09:06 - pillar iii: the practice of self-responsibility

10:55 - pillar iv: the practice of self-assertiveness

12:57 - pillar v: the practice of living purposefully

14:38 - pillar vi: the practice of personal integrity

21:57 - the principle of reciprocal causation

i’ve been going on about the importance of a non-negotiable hobby for ages and i’ve also had a lot of questions about pole dance so this is a video that covers both!!

01:05 - non-negotiable hobby: defined

05:40 - my journey with pole dance

08:39 - dance & sexuality/sexuality

10:36 - the power of consistency & practice

11:06 - static vs spin pole

11:39 - tricks vs choreo

13:16 - buying heels

14:39 - body types

15:20 - pain tolerance

15:49 - types of grip

16:37 - knee pads & clothing

17:20 - prepping for class

17:27 - embrace the learning curve

follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! 1 week free trial! ♡ patreon.com/amberakilla

siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧ https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2

autumn in my arms playlist !!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270

slay habit trackers ☆ free download https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/fCgEU8hkT2A

i get a lot of questions about how to handle conflict with parents. while i can't speak to the nuances of every relationship, here are some thoughts and feelings that i hope might be applicable or helpful. i know the holiday season can be really overwhelming for some people and i think there are ways we can prepare so that we aren't wasting too much energy on being ugly & having a bad time so we can focus on being hot & having fun, duh!!!

02:19 - 1. your parents want what’s best for you

03:50 - 2. your parents are random people

06:17 - 3. practice gratitude

09:46 - 4. avoid overcommunicating

12:53 - 5. embrace the way your relationship changes over time

14:27 - 6. come up with a game plan

15:23 - 7. cultivate the habit of creating your own safe space

17:07 - 8. financial independence

follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! 1 week free trial! ♡ patreon.com/amberakilla

siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧ https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2

autumn in my arms playlist !!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270

slay habit trackers ☆ free download https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla