Friend Crush with Amber Akilla

following from my previous "how to turn a flop into a flopportunity" video - once you've survived the flop, here are five things to consider when maintaining and protecting your slay. after a challenging or down period, its easy to become careless or develop blindspots once we think we've moved on from something, but that can also lead to blindspots and creating an unsustainable cycle. these are some mindset shifts that have helped me to feel like i'm actually growing, transforming and being hot and having fun, rather than being on a floppercoaster.

MERCH IS LIVE!!!

www.friendcrush.club

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00:00 - intro

01:33 - flop and slay are equally important

03:44 - 1. the flop: where you were

04:16 - 2. the shift: what got you out

05:57 - 3. the aftermath: who & what survives

09:23 - you can’t drag other people up, but anyone can drag you down

(relationships, habits, patterns)

11:12 - 4. maintenance: protecting your slay

13:43 - discipline & delayed gratification as a form of self-devotion

14:32 - 80/20 rule

16:48 - redefine key terms - metacognition

18:04 - be your own bestie

20:02 - lean into your new identity

21:58 - 5. long term: micro-flopping & adaptability

22:12 - embrace the contrast, hold multiple truths at once

22:53 - be aware of your natural negative bias

related videos:

flop into flopportunity

https://youtu.be/Y9iQ_MYCIGU

the price of slaying is haters

https://youtu.be/086IvuwYzeA

the vibe you bring to the function

https://youtu.be/e4hrPViYKK8

hot girl habits

https://youtu.be/DszRCbx0_AE

meditation

https://youtu.be/3ZWMNxYIusQ

journalling

https://youtu.be/BzY2mc5eouc

non-negotiable hobbies

https://youtu.be/XlStSk0b4KI

https://youtu.be/jKVo3bGoyxg

slay habits: how to start new habits, habit forming

https://youtu.be/31_hsYlM6Tw

metacognition: speak to the manager within

https://youtu.be/I2cBDd8akeo

defining love

https://youtu.be/mqu4RRzr2oo

increase your baseline

https://youtu.be/iwT59y8LWfE

everything is vibes: be hot and have fun

https://youtu.be/1mv6EZX003Y

hot girls don’t let comparison be the theif of joy

https://youtu.be/IHXexhPc5ns

welcome to our first meditation/affirmations track!!!

produced and written by meeeee

make sure to set aside some undistracted time to do the meditation for maximum relaxation !!!

MERCH COMING VERY SOON - SIGN UP FOR UPDATES AND GET A DISCOUNT CODE!!

friendcrush.club

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

i’m on substack!!!

https://substack.com/@amberakilla

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product-1

BOOBS OUT SUMMER PLAYLIST

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/05zayhZh0D64W0RDsVn3U0?si=132d4e9041994cd4

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://substack.com/@amberakilla/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

shorter version of the 11:11 Diva Frequency track for when you're on the go or need a quick recalibration!!!

produced and written by meeeee

make sure to set aside some undistracted time to do the meditation for maximum relaxation !!!

MERCH COMING VERY SOON - SIGN UP FOR UPDATES AND GET A DISCOUNT CODE!!

friendcrush.club

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

i’m on substack!!!

https://substack.com/@amberakilla

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product-1

BOOBS OUT SUMMER PLAYLIST

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/05zayhZh0D64W0RDsVn3U0?si=132d4e9041994cd4

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://substack.com/@amberakilla/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

welcome to our first meditation/affirmations track!!!

produced and written by meeeee

make sure to set aside some undistracted time to do the meditation for maximum relaxation !!!

MERCH COMING VERY SOON - SIGN UP FOR UPDATES AND GET A DISCOUNT CODE!!

friendcrush.club

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

i’m on substack!!!

https://substack.com/@amberakilla

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product-1

BOOBS OUT SUMMER PLAYLIST

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/05zayhZh0D64W0RDsVn3U0?si=132d4e9041994cd4

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://substack.com/@amberakilla/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

youtube video: https://youtu.be/_rVMkThrBaw

there aren’t enough words in the english dictionary to describe women who are living their best life and have healthy boundaries. we always have to reclaim language that has previously been used to disempower or judge women. anytime a woman makes herself less available for other people so that she can focus on herself and her own needs, she is labelled ‘selfish’… is she selfish or did she decide to gracefully pull back or exit a dynamic that took more from her than she recieved ????? to me this is not a moral issues because people have the right to be selfish and to indulge in other people’s selfishness, but on the flip side, people also have the right to walk away when it doesn’t work for them anymore. entitlement to one way extraction will not be tolerated! either deal with it, increase your contribution/what you have to offer or find someone else with lower standards.

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friendcrush.club

00:00 - 03:25 - intro

03:25 - 10:34 - sovereignty vs selfishness

10:34 - 13:15 - when sovereignty is mistaken for selfishness

13:15 - 14:15 - when you are the selfish one

14:15 - 17:20 - sovereignty & meeting your own needs, being hot & having fun

17:20 -18:54 - non-negotiable hobbies

18:54 - 19:11 - do you want to be right or do you want to be hot & having fun

19:11 - 23:55 - fear of being perceived/seen

23:55 -24:40 - redirecting your time, energy & attention

24:40 - 25:34 - the bullsh*t never ends

25:34 - as you change, so does your experience of existing relationships

☆

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/YtpeBQxoROo

when you think you'll never be in a toxic relationship/friendship/job again and you walk away from one and into another ... lmao

00:00 intro

01:06 - empty space is unnatural and nature will find a way to fill it

01:42 - acknowledging that you are weak in order to become strong

03:09 - flop and slay coexist

04:09 - its not just the goal its also the management of the consequences that come with achieving it

04:41 - how assumptions create blind spots

05:42 - psychological audit

06:29 - anxiety vs self-trust

07:10 - notice when you are filing in gaps for space that only time & experience can fill

08:12 - empower yourself in your decision making

08:26 - seeking win-win relationships

08:53 - learning to sit with disappointment and move on instead of ruminating

10:58 - getting out of toxic dynamics

11:55 - non-negotiable hobbies & trying new things

13:10 - confronting & integrating pain vs running or avoiding it

13:51 - circumstantial change vs spiritual transformation

14:21 - you need a different approach if you want a different outcome

14:58 - actions speak louder than words!!!

15:15 - e.g. when an ex reaches out

16:44 - act according to the outcome that you want

16:57 - not responding is a response

17:04 - the person who cares the least, wins

18:16 - it doesn’t always feel toxic at first

18:53 - learning to self-regulate and pace connection

19:09 - being open to being proven wrong and trusting yourself to make difficult decisions

19:23 - always have something that you care about protecting that is your responsibility to maintain

19:41 - optimize to enjoy your life to the fullest

20:03 - learn to enjoy the challenge of protecting what you care about

20:21 - when you try and evade responsibility, you open yourself up to chaos

21:07 - learning to notice guilt & shame and observing rather than repressing or avoiding

23:00 - being honest with yourself when you cbf something and moving on

23:42 - when are you pursuing something from a place of ego vs real compatibility

24:28 - everyone’s needs are different

25:54 - the WILL to extend yourself

youtube video: https://youtu.be/Y9iQ_MYCIGU

never let a flop go to waste!!!!!

Hegel said that negativity is precisely what keeps existence alive. Not negativity in a psychological sense, but in a philosophical sense. You don't know what positivity is without negativity. If you only had the power to do things, you would lose the ability to not do things and rest. If you only think, then your thoughts continuously scatter and you lose the ability to reflect and contemplate. If you only slay then you are at risk of burnout and it would eventually become meaningless without the contrast of flop to anchor your slay. Friction, resistance and pain are necessary to indicate the possibilities of growth. Overly focusing on them can create the risk of unnecessary suffering. Practicing bringing awareness and intention to sovereign decision making is how we start to navigate the inevitable oscillation between flop and slay in a way that facilitates Being Hot & Having Fun!!! yayayayaa

(ref: The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han)

The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han

https://amzn.to/4xxaHy3 (affiliate link)

00:00 - 00:54 - intro

00:54 - 01:34 - in flop there is slay, in slay there is flop

01:34 - 02:21 - what have you been conditioned to optimize your life for

02:21 - 03:27 - the hidden cost of maximizing efficiency

03:27 - 04:49 - be selective & specific about the types of challenges you are open to

04:49 - 07:01 - flopping is a training opportunity

07:01 - 08:25 - life happens in cycles

08:25 - 09:51 - maybe you haven’t flopped enough yet

09:51 - 12:26 - welcoming challenges as growth opportunities

12:26 - flop and slay is a spectrum not a binary

12:57 - social media - monitoring spirit behaviour & cancel culture purity tests

13:38 - entertainment & education

14:39 - hate can’t land if you’re a moving target

15:11 - which flop is your responsibility

16:54 - increase your surface area for slay

18:47 - lean into minor inconveniences

23:18 - using conflict as a training opportunity

24:25 - adjust your approach according to what’s at stake

26:12 - controlled and intentional crash outs

27:29 - knowing what you don’t like is just as important

29:03 - once you’ve been through the flop you don’t even want to think about it

29:24 - have a sense of humour

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/0ShM2LgCVRE

some thoughts on over-thinking and rumination and how i turned my depression around!!! something that i didn't mention was to challenge myself to become more solution driven in my thinking - which was kind of the catalyst for my podcast and content! i thought, if i'm going to overthink about things then i may as well try to be coherent and in a way that could help other people. in the process i have been able to develop and evolve my thinking and my life in a way that wouldn't have been possible had i just stayed stagnant and in a mental spiral. rather than becoming over-identified with my diagnosis, i thought about it as a problem to solve/a lifestyle approach that needed adjusting in order to minimize symptoms and notice when i might be more vulnerable to unhealthy thought patterns and behaviours. break the loop!!! stop it from getting ahead of you!!! there are lots of other thoughts i can probably share in future but here is a start ~ feel free to share your own experience and tips in the comments!!!

i think it's called meta-cognition when you observe your internal relationships to external things... the relationship between self and object, rather than the object itself. i'm not denying the realities of oppressive systems and real harm, more like how you might be able to navigate them from a more empowered place so you can be hot & have fun in a way that makes sense to you!!! ~~ as always, please share your thoughts!

00:00 - intro

03:17 - it’s not the thing itself, it’s your relationship to the thing

04:18 - being hot & having fun

04:34 - connotative vs denotative interpretation

05:40 - how you perceive reality is specific to you

06:27 - adjust and redefine

06:51 - your identity is dynamic

07:10 - superficial change vs spiritual growth

07:32 - your personality is the sum of your habits

08:01 - performative slay

08:25 - radical acceptance

09:03 - optimising for FUN and EFFECTIVENESS

09:24 - doing a mental audit

09:48 - avoid defaulting to binary mental traps

10:09 - redefining your relationship to money

11:56 - redefining your relationship to love

12:53 - suspend your moral framework of unmet expectations = bad

14:37 - appreciating life beyond just what you can perceive

15:18 - redefining your relationship to power

15:41 - sidenote: virtuous suffering

16:28 - SPEAK TO THE MANAGER WITHIN

17:08 - the willingness to seek and create win-win dynamics

18:31 - diffuse your awareness and observe before assuming you have to double down on a position

19:32 - changing your relationship to beauty

22:39 diversify your sources of validation

22:51 - the skills to look hot vs cultivate self-respect are different

23:23 - notice and manage your human desire for silver bullet solutions

23:57 - embrace the process of trial and error to accumulate experience

24:26 - the fear of flop/failure is often worse than the flop itself

24:59 - the most sustainable and rewarding growth takes time and usually isnt glamorous

25:30 - redefining your relationship to your emotions

26:21 - associating discomfort with growth rather than failure

26:32 - redefining your relationship with your identity/identity markers

27:06 oppositional identity, “counterwill” and oppositional defiant disorder

28:05 - people will love & hate you whether you enjoy your life or not so focus on figuring out how to enjoy it

28:43 - redefining your relationship to rest

references:

patriarchy and power: how socialisation underpins abusive behaviour

Psychological drivers of gender disparities in leadership paths

what underlies a teen oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis

books (affiliate links)

The Tao of Physics by Fritijof Capra

The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck

all about love by bell hooks

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

Ways of Seeing by John Berger

some thoughts on how my relationship with my hometown and childhood trauma has changed over time for anyone that might be or has struggled with something similar. its not where you're from, but your relationship to the place, the memory and the role it plays in your life that matters. let me know your thoughts too! ♡

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

i’m on substack!!!

https://substack.com/@amberakilla

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2

autumn in my arms playlist !!!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://substack.com/@amberakilla/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla