youtube episode: https://youtu.be/YtpeBQxoROo

when you think you'll never be in a toxic relationship/friendship/job again and you walk away from one and into another ... lmao

00:00 intro

01:06 - empty space is unnatural and nature will find a way to fill it

01:42 - acknowledging that you are weak in order to become strong

03:09 - flop and slay coexist

04:09 - its not just the goal its also the management of the consequences that come with achieving it

04:41 - how assumptions create blind spots

05:42 - psychological audit

06:29 - anxiety vs self-trust

07:10 - notice when you are filing in gaps for space that only time & experience can fill

08:12 - empower yourself in your decision making

08:26 - seeking win-win relationships

08:53 - learning to sit with disappointment and move on instead of ruminating

10:58 - getting out of toxic dynamics

11:55 - non-negotiable hobbies & trying new things

13:10 - confronting & integrating pain vs running or avoiding it

13:51 - circumstantial change vs spiritual transformation

14:21 - you need a different approach if you want a different outcome

14:58 - actions speak louder than words!!!

15:15 - e.g. when an ex reaches out

16:44 - act according to the outcome that you want

16:57 - not responding is a response

17:04 - the person who cares the least, wins

18:16 - it doesn’t always feel toxic at first

18:53 - learning to self-regulate and pace connection

19:09 - being open to being proven wrong and trusting yourself to make difficult decisions

19:23 - always have something that you care about protecting that is your responsibility to maintain

19:41 - optimize to enjoy your life to the fullest

20:03 - learn to enjoy the challenge of protecting what you care about

20:21 - when you try and evade responsibility, you open yourself up to chaos

21:07 - learning to notice guilt & shame and observing rather than repressing or avoiding

23:00 - being honest with yourself when you cbf something and moving on

23:42 - when are you pursuing something from a place of ego vs real compatibility

24:28 - everyone’s needs are different

25:54 - the WILL to extend yourself

youtube video: https://youtu.be/Y9iQ_MYCIGU

never let a flop go to waste!!!!!

Hegel said that negativity is precisely what keeps existence alive. Not negativity in a psychological sense, but in a philosophical sense. You don't know what positivity is without negativity. If you only had the power to do things, you would lose the ability to not do things and rest. If you only think, then your thoughts continuously scatter and you lose the ability to reflect and contemplate. If you only slay then you are at risk of burnout and it would eventually become meaningless without the contrast of flop to anchor your slay. Friction, resistance and pain are necessary to indicate the possibilities of growth. Overly focusing on them can create the risk of unnecessary suffering. Practicing bringing awareness and intention to sovereign decision making is how we start to navigate the inevitable oscillation between flop and slay in a way that facilitates Being Hot & Having Fun!!! yayayayaa

(ref: The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han)

The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han

https://amzn.to/4xxaHy3 (affiliate link)

00:00 - 00:54 - intro

00:54 - 01:34 - in flop there is slay, in slay there is flop

01:34 - 02:21 - what have you been conditioned to optimize your life for

02:21 - 03:27 - the hidden cost of maximizing efficiency

03:27 - 04:49 - be selective & specific about the types of challenges you are open to

04:49 - 07:01 - flopping is a training opportunity

07:01 - 08:25 - life happens in cycles

08:25 - 09:51 - maybe you haven’t flopped enough yet

09:51 - 12:26 - welcoming challenges as growth opportunities

12:26 - flop and slay is a spectrum not a binary

12:57 - social media - monitoring spirit behaviour & cancel culture purity tests

13:38 - entertainment & education

14:39 - hate can’t land if you’re a moving target

15:11 - which flop is your responsibility

16:54 - increase your surface area for slay

18:47 - lean into minor inconveniences

23:18 - using conflict as a training opportunity

24:25 - adjust your approach according to what’s at stake

26:12 - controlled and intentional crash outs

27:29 - knowing what you don’t like is just as important

29:03 - once you’ve been through the flop you don’t even want to think about it

29:24 - have a sense of humour

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/0ShM2LgCVRE

some thoughts on over-thinking and rumination and how i turned my depression around!!! something that i didn't mention was to challenge myself to become more solution driven in my thinking - which was kind of the catalyst for my podcast and content! i thought, if i'm going to overthink about things then i may as well try to be coherent and in a way that could help other people. in the process i have been able to develop and evolve my thinking and my life in a way that wouldn't have been possible had i just stayed stagnant and in a mental spiral. rather than becoming over-identified with my diagnosis, i thought about it as a problem to solve/a lifestyle approach that needed adjusting in order to minimize symptoms and notice when i might be more vulnerable to unhealthy thought patterns and behaviours. break the loop!!! stop it from getting ahead of you!!! there are lots of other thoughts i can probably share in future but here is a start ~ feel free to share your own experience and tips in the comments!!!

i think it's called meta-cognition when you observe your internal relationships to external things... the relationship between self and object, rather than the object itself. i'm not denying the realities of oppressive systems and real harm, more like how you might be able to navigate them from a more empowered place so you can be hot & have fun in a way that makes sense to you!!! ~~ as always, please share your thoughts!

00:00 - intro

03:17 - it’s not the thing itself, it’s your relationship to the thing

04:18 - being hot & having fun

04:34 - connotative vs denotative interpretation

05:40 - how you perceive reality is specific to you

06:27 - adjust and redefine

06:51 - your identity is dynamic

07:10 - superficial change vs spiritual growth

07:32 - your personality is the sum of your habits

08:01 - performative slay

08:25 - radical acceptance

09:03 - optimising for FUN and EFFECTIVENESS

09:24 - doing a mental audit

09:48 - avoid defaulting to binary mental traps

10:09 - redefining your relationship to money

11:56 - redefining your relationship to love

12:53 - suspend your moral framework of unmet expectations = bad

14:37 - appreciating life beyond just what you can perceive

15:18 - redefining your relationship to power

15:41 - sidenote: virtuous suffering

16:28 - SPEAK TO THE MANAGER WITHIN

17:08 - the willingness to seek and create win-win dynamics

18:31 - diffuse your awareness and observe before assuming you have to double down on a position

19:32 - changing your relationship to beauty

22:39 diversify your sources of validation

22:51 - the skills to look hot vs cultivate self-respect are different

23:23 - notice and manage your human desire for silver bullet solutions

23:57 - embrace the process of trial and error to accumulate experience

24:26 - the fear of flop/failure is often worse than the flop itself

24:59 - the most sustainable and rewarding growth takes time and usually isnt glamorous

25:30 - redefining your relationship to your emotions

26:21 - associating discomfort with growth rather than failure

26:32 - redefining your relationship with your identity/identity markers

27:06 oppositional identity, “counterwill” and oppositional defiant disorder

28:05 - people will love & hate you whether you enjoy your life or not so focus on figuring out how to enjoy it

28:43 - redefining your relationship to rest

references:

patriarchy and power: how socialisation underpins abusive behaviour

Psychological drivers of gender disparities in leadership paths

what underlies a teen oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis

books (affiliate links)

The Tao of Physics by Fritijof Capra

The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck

all about love by bell hooks

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

Ways of Seeing by John Berger

some thoughts on how my relationship with my hometown and childhood trauma has changed over time for anyone that might be or has struggled with something similar. its not where you're from, but your relationship to the place, the memory and the role it plays in your life that matters. let me know your thoughts too! ♡

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

i’m on substack!!!

https://substack.com/@amberakilla

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2

autumn in my arms playlist !!!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://substack.com/@amberakilla/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/Jer_eAG1q1s

everyone is creating, everyone is creative!!! your desire to create is valid whether you pursue it as a hobby, side-quest, side-hustle or a career! one creative skill might take many forms in different stages of your life. sharing my thoughts and observations based on my own personal experience on how you can explore, refine and navigate your creativity, your career and the creative industry. i think even if you don't work in the creative industry this same model can apply to different disciplines too.

00:00

00:58 - being creative is inherent to the human experience

03:50 - intro to quadrant diagram

04:47 - high visibility x creative freedom

05:19 - industry x high visibility

05:32 - industry x low visibility

06:20 - creative freedom x low visibility

06:46 - pedestaling of high visibility x industry careers

07:48 - get to know yourself before assuming there is only one version of success

09:25 - mapping the terrain and navigating accordingly

09:59 - pros & cons to every quadrants

10:05 - high visibility x industry

11:05 - industry x low visibility

12:13 - creative freedom x low visibility

13:09 - high visibility x creative freedom

14:28 - advice for young/aspiring creatives

15:36 - now is the best time to flop

16:49 - the challenge and the process has to become as rewarding as the outcome

17:46 - taste makers vs trend followers

19:00 - try different approaches, embrace different opportunities

21:38 - focus on doing before refining strategy

22:24 - you should be creating more than you are complaining

22:55 - being hot & having fun creative philosophy

24:04 - proof of concept, get experience

25:29 - learn how to communicate and present your work

this week’s video is a deeper dive into the first pillar of self-esteem - the practice of living consciously!

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

https://amzn.to/496J0SD (*) affiliate link

Baddie Book Club details

patreon.com/amberakilla

00:00

01:44 - the first pillar of self-esteem

04:42 - bringing awareness to our internal world

07:32 - the practice of living consciously

08:55 - radical self-acceptance for the human condition

09:13 - you are the creator

09:38 - being responsible towards reality

10:23 - self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves

10:40 - your opinion of yourself is more important than other people’s opinion of you

11:45 - living consciously to overcome cringe

12:25 - dealing with shame around envy and judgement

12:43 - acting on what one sees and knows

13:14 - creating mental space for your own unhingedness

14:11 - being in the state appropriate to what you are doing

14:57 - your purposes and values dictate the standard of selection

16:00 - living responsibly towards reality

16:10 - wishes, fears and denials do not alter facts

17:57 - using your feelings to point to important facts rather than confusing feelings with facts

18:19 - changing your relationship with your emotions

19:04 - jealousy in friendships case study

20:47 - alchemising jealousy into inspiration

21:32 - what you perceive, what you interpret it to mean, how you feel about it

23:41 - fear and pain being treated as signals

23:51 - the earnest intention to be conscious

23:54 - adjusting your actions to your goals

24:18 - my first loyalty is to truth, not to making myself right

24:24 - a lifelong commitment to learning

24:38 - the willingness to create win-win relationships

25:37 - a desire to understand our full context

26:58 - internal and external awareness are two different skill sets

28:34 - when you reach an impasse and need a guide

30:12 - who is defining “being hot & having fun” in your life?

30:48 - do i know what i’m doing when i like myself vs when i don’t?

31:06 - give yourself the opportunity to notice

32:33 - i have to think that the practice is worthwhile

34:59 - which actions are producing desired results and which aren’t?

35:32 - notice what’s exciting vs what’s draining

36:23 - accept that other people’s interpretation of reality could be different to yours

37:22 - your values come from your experience, you can mistakenly draw irrational conclusions from your experience

38:54 - sidenote on addictions

40:48 - consciousness and the body

41:42 - train yourself to notice your thoughts

41:12 - freeing the body contributes to freeing the mind

44:22 - an orientation towards life that exists on a continuum

45:24 - looking to where pain and frustrations are

46:13 - garden analogy

very delayed upload of the last baddie book club discussion session!!!

i needed to optimise the audio - apologies for some of the echo but i still felt like it was important to share because so many insights were shared!! thank you to the baddies that attended and bravely shared their thoughts.

based on this section of the book:

Readings 2: Living Consciously and Self-Acceptance

Reading: Part II Internal Sources of Self-Esteem

The Focus On Action

The Practice of Living Consciously

The Practice of Self-Acceptance

pages 56 - 104

there’s a few scheduled sessions left over april - details are on the patreon!

00:00

02:36 - the virtue of realism - respect of reality

03:26 - shadow work

04:00 - dealing with uncomfortable feelings

04:48 - your reputation with yourself

05:52 - substance abuse

07:13 - everywhere you go, there you are

07:40 - emphasis on action

08:16 - breaking the ruminating cycle

08:57 - friend breakups, jealousy between girls

11:12 - realising your growth

12:19 - what i perceive, what i interpret it to mean, how i feel about it

13:14 - fear of pain

13:30 - just do it !

14:16 - avoiding discomfort is a betrayal of the mind

14:32 - life is just a series of problems

18:03 - treating life like a mirror

19:26 - the world belongs to those who persevere

20:46 - how time changes your relationship to events

21:45 - journalling

23:10 - being there for yourself

24:20 - relationships as a mirror

24:54 - life as an experiment - journal as field notes

25:57 - you don’t need to spend money to develop your relationship with yourself

29:28 - journalling allowing you to take things less personally

32:41 - giving other people the grace you would like from others

34:48 - confidence as a practice

36:17 - you can’t help other people until you help yourself

36:50 - the importance of self-work for community and social justice

42:10 - maintaining openness, value in the attempt

44:50 - self-trust, making promises to yourself and keeping them

48:34 - taking feedback and reviewing

50:10 - basic things can be hard but important for your well-being!!!

51:30 - being your own bestie - what you can keep to yourself, re-parenting yourself

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/ndawrsGy3F4

please share how your journey with creating/consuming/compensated and participating has or is evolving!!!

0:00

01:27 - define the terms/auditing your consumption habits - consumer, creator, compensated, participant

03:13 - define being hot & having fun according to your core values

04:04 - check for energy leaks

04:25 - doing things with budget restrictions to build discipline

06:57 - becoming aware of consumerism conditioning

07:11 - where can you be more creative or be open to learning

07:32 - bringing intention to the way you consume

09:07- get in tune with how you feel and your level of contentment

09:47 - not all hobbies need to be monetised

10:14 - how do you spend your time, energy & money

10:30 - no one is safe from the attention economy

10:59 - staying informed without getting overwhelmed

11:37 - flexible framework vs strict rules

11:47 - diversifying dopamine triggers

12:27 - finding a balance between online & offline life

12:45 - purchasing for utility vs branding

17:00 - when flopping in creating is better than slaying in consuming

18:38 - the oveconsumption to hater pipeline

18:56 - the motivations & intentions behind your relationships

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

i’m on substack!!!

https://substack.com/@amberakilla

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://substack.com/@amberakilla/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

recording of a tiktok/youtube live on 24.02.2026 !

video version: https://youtu.be/xIduRHUSvUM

00:00 - recent obsessions

02:00 - being a woman in corporate

07:15 - dealing with insecure/intimidated women

08:03 - navigating a flop era

10:22 - current fave beauty products

11:56 - not taking things personally/detachment

14:56 - talking stages

15:45 - freelancing

17:26 - somatic exercises

17:51 - comparing yourself on social media

18:53 - draining family members

19:51 - guy not following up on dates

20:06 - being consistent with hobbies

21:35 - financial flop era

22:31 - getting new hobbies

23:01 - putting pressure on yourself

24:06 - pivoting from corporate

25:20 - visiting perth

27:50 - making friends

31:24 - asmr & vlogging

36:00 - shrek gate

46:25 - the emotional spiral, win-win relationships, navigating spaces as a minority

48:13 - women being held to higher moral standards than men

48:40 - identifying problems vs creating solutions

50:30 - misidentifying issues

52:55 - dating when you’re young

54:00 - ramadan in shanghai

56:26 - when to start dating again

57:27 - gender imbalance in china

58:30 - ego death??? re-constructing your identity

1:00:00 - gender binary and performance of gender in china

1:02:00 - reading

1:03:00 - pole schedule

1:04:00 - post-shrek gate

1:09:00 - provider men, going 50/50

1:13:00 - women benefitting from patriarchy, being hot & having fun, living life to your full potential

1:16:00 - analysis paralysis, learning from failure

1:17:00 - men and red pill

1:17:20 - the tragedy of heterosexuality by jane ward

1:19:58 - passive aggressive behaviour

1:20:16 - gay relationship dynamics

1:22:20 - smear campaigns, sh*t talking

1:24:20 - don’t confront passive agressive behaviour

1:27:18 - i support women’s rights and wrongs

1:29:00 - women defending shrek

1:35:00 - marginisation in the dominant group

1:37:15 - the illusion of binary options

1:39:26 - loser mindset with winner entitlement

1:41:45 - media literacy

1:42:30 - de-centering men, pick-mes, male-centered men

1:44:35 - beyond right and wrong

1:45:00 - live by example

1:47:07 - cognitive offloading

1:47:27 - how to make the most authentic decision for you

1:48:35 - men aren’t riding for female characters

1:49:00 - boundaries around social media