i think it's called meta-cognition when you observe your internal relationships to external things... the relationship between self and object, rather than the object itself. i'm not denying the realities of oppressive systems and real harm, more like how you might be able to navigate them from a more empowered place so you can be hot & have fun in a way that makes sense to you!!! ~~ as always, please share your thoughts!

00:00 - intro

03:17 - it’s not the thing itself, it’s your relationship to the thing

04:18 - being hot & having fun

04:34 - connotative vs denotative interpretation

05:40 - how you perceive reality is specific to you

06:27 - adjust and redefine

06:51 - your identity is dynamic

07:10 - superficial change vs spiritual growth

07:32 - your personality is the sum of your habits

08:01 - performative slay

08:25 - radical acceptance

09:03 - optimising for FUN and EFFECTIVENESS

09:24 - doing a mental audit

09:48 - avoid defaulting to binary mental traps

10:09 - redefining your relationship to money

11:56 - redefining your relationship to love

12:53 - suspend your moral framework of unmet expectations = bad

14:37 - appreciating life beyond just what you can perceive

15:18 - redefining your relationship to power

15:41 - sidenote: virtuous suffering

16:28 - SPEAK TO THE MANAGER WITHIN

17:08 - the willingness to seek and create win-win dynamics

18:31 - diffuse your awareness and observe before assuming you have to double down on a position

19:32 - changing your relationship to beauty

22:39 diversify your sources of validation

22:51 - the skills to look hot vs cultivate self-respect are different

23:23 - notice and manage your human desire for silver bullet solutions

23:57 - embrace the process of trial and error to accumulate experience

24:26 - the fear of flop/failure is often worse than the flop itself

24:59 - the most sustainable and rewarding growth takes time and usually isnt glamorous

25:30 - redefining your relationship to your emotions

26:21 - associating discomfort with growth rather than failure

26:32 - redefining your relationship with your identity/identity markers

27:06 oppositional identity, “counterwill” and oppositional defiant disorder

28:05 - people will love & hate you whether you enjoy your life or not so focus on figuring out how to enjoy it

28:43 - redefining your relationship to rest

references:

patriarchy and power: how socialisation underpins abusive behaviour

Psychological drivers of gender disparities in leadership paths

what underlies a teen oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis

books (affiliate links)

The Tao of Physics by Fritijof Capra

The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck

all about love by bell hooks

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

Ways of Seeing by John Berger

some thoughts on how my relationship with my hometown and childhood trauma has changed over time for anyone that might be or has struggled with something similar. its not where you're from, but your relationship to the place, the memory and the role it plays in your life that matters. let me know your thoughts too! ♡

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

i’m on substack!!!

https://substack.com/@amberakilla

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2

autumn in my arms playlist !!!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://substack.com/@amberakilla/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/Jer_eAG1q1s

everyone is creating, everyone is creative!!! your desire to create is valid whether you pursue it as a hobby, side-quest, side-hustle or a career! one creative skill might take many forms in different stages of your life. sharing my thoughts and observations based on my own personal experience on how you can explore, refine and navigate your creativity, your career and the creative industry. i think even if you don't work in the creative industry this same model can apply to different disciplines too.

00:00

00:58 - being creative is inherent to the human experience

03:50 - intro to quadrant diagram

04:47 - high visibility x creative freedom

05:19 - industry x high visibility

05:32 - industry x low visibility

06:20 - creative freedom x low visibility

06:46 - pedestaling of high visibility x industry careers

07:48 - get to know yourself before assuming there is only one version of success

09:25 - mapping the terrain and navigating accordingly

09:59 - pros & cons to every quadrants

10:05 - high visibility x industry

11:05 - industry x low visibility

12:13 - creative freedom x low visibility

13:09 - high visibility x creative freedom

14:28 - advice for young/aspiring creatives

15:36 - now is the best time to flop

16:49 - the challenge and the process has to become as rewarding as the outcome

17:46 - taste makers vs trend followers

19:00 - try different approaches, embrace different opportunities

21:38 - focus on doing before refining strategy

22:24 - you should be creating more than you are complaining

22:55 - being hot & having fun creative philosophy

24:04 - proof of concept, get experience

25:29 - learn how to communicate and present your work

this week’s video is a deeper dive into the first pillar of self-esteem - the practice of living consciously!

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

https://amzn.to/496J0SD (*) affiliate link

Baddie Book Club details

patreon.com/amberakilla

00:00

01:44 - the first pillar of self-esteem

04:42 - bringing awareness to our internal world

07:32 - the practice of living consciously

08:55 - radical self-acceptance for the human condition

09:13 - you are the creator

09:38 - being responsible towards reality

10:23 - self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves

10:40 - your opinion of yourself is more important than other people’s opinion of you

11:45 - living consciously to overcome cringe

12:25 - dealing with shame around envy and judgement

12:43 - acting on what one sees and knows

13:14 - creating mental space for your own unhingedness

14:11 - being in the state appropriate to what you are doing

14:57 - your purposes and values dictate the standard of selection

16:00 - living responsibly towards reality

16:10 - wishes, fears and denials do not alter facts

17:57 - using your feelings to point to important facts rather than confusing feelings with facts

18:19 - changing your relationship with your emotions

19:04 - jealousy in friendships case study

20:47 - alchemising jealousy into inspiration

21:32 - what you perceive, what you interpret it to mean, how you feel about it

23:41 - fear and pain being treated as signals

23:51 - the earnest intention to be conscious

23:54 - adjusting your actions to your goals

24:18 - my first loyalty is to truth, not to making myself right

24:24 - a lifelong commitment to learning

24:38 - the willingness to create win-win relationships

25:37 - a desire to understand our full context

26:58 - internal and external awareness are two different skill sets

28:34 - when you reach an impasse and need a guide

30:12 - who is defining “being hot & having fun” in your life?

30:48 - do i know what i’m doing when i like myself vs when i don’t?

31:06 - give yourself the opportunity to notice

32:33 - i have to think that the practice is worthwhile

34:59 - which actions are producing desired results and which aren’t?

35:32 - notice what’s exciting vs what’s draining

36:23 - accept that other people’s interpretation of reality could be different to yours

37:22 - your values come from your experience, you can mistakenly draw irrational conclusions from your experience

38:54 - sidenote on addictions

40:48 - consciousness and the body

41:42 - train yourself to notice your thoughts

41:12 - freeing the body contributes to freeing the mind

44:22 - an orientation towards life that exists on a continuum

45:24 - looking to where pain and frustrations are

46:13 - garden analogy

very delayed upload of the last baddie book club discussion session!!!

i needed to optimise the audio - apologies for some of the echo but i still felt like it was important to share because so many insights were shared!! thank you to the baddies that attended and bravely shared their thoughts.

based on this section of the book:

Readings 2: Living Consciously and Self-Acceptance

Reading: Part II Internal Sources of Self-Esteem

The Focus On Action

The Practice of Living Consciously

The Practice of Self-Acceptance

pages 56 - 104

there’s a few scheduled sessions left over april - details are on the patreon!

00:00

02:36 - the virtue of realism - respect of reality

03:26 - shadow work

04:00 - dealing with uncomfortable feelings

04:48 - your reputation with yourself

05:52 - substance abuse

07:13 - everywhere you go, there you are

07:40 - emphasis on action

08:16 - breaking the ruminating cycle

08:57 - friend breakups, jealousy between girls

11:12 - realising your growth

12:19 - what i perceive, what i interpret it to mean, how i feel about it

13:14 - fear of pain

13:30 - just do it !

14:16 - avoiding discomfort is a betrayal of the mind

14:32 - life is just a series of problems

18:03 - treating life like a mirror

19:26 - the world belongs to those who persevere

20:46 - how time changes your relationship to events

21:45 - journalling

23:10 - being there for yourself

24:20 - relationships as a mirror

24:54 - life as an experiment - journal as field notes

25:57 - you don’t need to spend money to develop your relationship with yourself

29:28 - journalling allowing you to take things less personally

32:41 - giving other people the grace you would like from others

34:48 - confidence as a practice

36:17 - you can’t help other people until you help yourself

36:50 - the importance of self-work for community and social justice

42:10 - maintaining openness, value in the attempt

44:50 - self-trust, making promises to yourself and keeping them

48:34 - taking feedback and reviewing

50:10 - basic things can be hard but important for your well-being!!!

51:30 - being your own bestie - what you can keep to yourself, re-parenting yourself

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/ndawrsGy3F4

please share how your journey with creating/consuming/compensated and participating has or is evolving!!!

0:00

01:27 - define the terms/auditing your consumption habits - consumer, creator, compensated, participant

03:13 - define being hot & having fun according to your core values

04:04 - check for energy leaks

04:25 - doing things with budget restrictions to build discipline

06:57 - becoming aware of consumerism conditioning

07:11 - where can you be more creative or be open to learning

07:32 - bringing intention to the way you consume

09:07- get in tune with how you feel and your level of contentment

09:47 - not all hobbies need to be monetised

10:14 - how do you spend your time, energy & money

10:30 - no one is safe from the attention economy

10:59 - staying informed without getting overwhelmed

11:37 - flexible framework vs strict rules

11:47 - diversifying dopamine triggers

12:27 - finding a balance between online & offline life

12:45 - purchasing for utility vs branding

17:00 - when flopping in creating is better than slaying in consuming

18:38 - the oveconsumption to hater pipeline

18:56 - the motivations & intentions behind your relationships

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

i’m on substack!!!

https://substack.com/@amberakilla

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

slay habit trackers ☆ free download

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises

https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

https://instagram.com/friend.crush/

https://substack.com/@amberakilla/

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla

https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla

https://twitter.com/amberakilla

https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla

https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

recording of a tiktok/youtube live on 24.02.2026 !

video version: https://youtu.be/xIduRHUSvUM

00:00 - recent obsessions

02:00 - being a woman in corporate

07:15 - dealing with insecure/intimidated women

08:03 - navigating a flop era

10:22 - current fave beauty products

11:56 - not taking things personally/detachment

14:56 - talking stages

15:45 - freelancing

17:26 - somatic exercises

17:51 - comparing yourself on social media

18:53 - draining family members

19:51 - guy not following up on dates

20:06 - being consistent with hobbies

21:35 - financial flop era

22:31 - getting new hobbies

23:01 - putting pressure on yourself

24:06 - pivoting from corporate

25:20 - visiting perth

27:50 - making friends

31:24 - asmr & vlogging

36:00 - shrek gate

46:25 - the emotional spiral, win-win relationships, navigating spaces as a minority

48:13 - women being held to higher moral standards than men

48:40 - identifying problems vs creating solutions

50:30 - misidentifying issues

52:55 - dating when you’re young

54:00 - ramadan in shanghai

56:26 - when to start dating again

57:27 - gender imbalance in china

58:30 - ego death??? re-constructing your identity

1:00:00 - gender binary and performance of gender in china

1:02:00 - reading

1:03:00 - pole schedule

1:04:00 - post-shrek gate

1:09:00 - provider men, going 50/50

1:13:00 - women benefitting from patriarchy, being hot & having fun, living life to your full potential

1:16:00 - analysis paralysis, learning from failure

1:17:00 - men and red pill

1:17:20 - the tragedy of heterosexuality by jane ward

1:19:58 - passive aggressive behaviour

1:20:16 - gay relationship dynamics

1:22:20 - smear campaigns, sh*t talking

1:24:20 - don’t confront passive agressive behaviour

1:27:18 - i support women’s rights and wrongs

1:29:00 - women defending shrek

1:35:00 - marginisation in the dominant group

1:37:15 - the illusion of binary options

1:39:26 - loser mindset with winner entitlement

1:41:45 - media literacy

1:42:30 - de-centering men, pick-mes, male-centered men

1:44:35 - beyond right and wrong

1:45:00 - live by example

1:47:07 - cognitive offloading

1:47:27 - how to make the most authentic decision for you

1:48:35 - men aren’t riding for female characters

1:49:00 - boundaries around social media

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/bJ1Ow4RFuW4

the irony of me filming this a week before that sh*k video oop at least you know i practice what i preach hehe

you life and your journey is for you to own. other people can disagree and say you're problematic but even then, no one is going to be strong-armed into a better version of themselves. even the most problematic people from your point of view need space to evolve and work through being a product of their environment and conditioning so they can take accountability and choose to change. doesn't mean its my or your responsibility to hold their hand through it, its just that arguing usually exacerbates a problem more than it provides a resolve. do you want to be right or happy???

00:00

01:37 - define the terms

01:43 - never argue with a MAN for free

03:00 - what is love

04:23 - love exists as an action - separate to the culture of romance

05:10 - ‘never’

05:38 - ‘free’

06:31 - ‘argue’ - argument vs conversation

07:58 - types of communication

discourse, dialogue, debate, diatribe

09:14 - engaging in bad faith

10:41 - value

12:41 - walking away or changing the dynamic

13:25 - argument loop

13:56 - let them yap

14:10 - how to get out of an argument with your dignity in tact

15:03 - break the pattern today or the loop will continue tomorrow

15:42 - habit stacking

16:03 - changing response to triggers

16:43 - don't underestimate how important your validation is to other people

15:57 - people treat you with the grace they treat themselves

19:06 - fight or flight activation

19:46 - witholding your response

20:25 - being demure and mindful but not defensive

21:38 - hypocognition

23:06 - bracketing

23:53 - accept that some relationships are just limited

25:29 - you are not responsible for changing other people’s perception of reality if they aren’t ready

26:39 - reclaim and redirect your energy

27:57 - represent yourself rather than waiting for permission

28:35 - presenting something vs arguing about it

29:02 - trying to present new ideas/perspectives

30:43 - when they start a fight with you because they can’t handle their reaction to what you said

30:57 - when arguing might be beneficial

32:00 - when i might care what people think

33:47 - daily affirmations

34:17 - make sure you have a life

34:25 - pre-training so when you are triggered you are less likley to take the bait

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/0doV1ZWLOKM

part two of the 2020 Love, Lust & Loathing Q&A!! thank you for your patience ~ make sure to watch the first video on limerence too!

00:00

00:10 - navigating female friendships when decentering romance

03:23 - maintaining sovereignty while dating

06:54 - my perspective on romantic love and pressures to settle down or be in a relationship

11:30 - how to stop being envious of other people in relationships

12:12 - age gap relationships

13:01 - work crushes and asking men out

14:32 - seeing potential in men

16:15 - detaching from nostalgia for a first love

17:43 - decentering men while being in a relationship

19:06 - men that are financially dependent on women

23:03 - casual hookups

related videos:

how to lock-in so hard your crush dies (metaphorically)

https://youtu.be/rOtI0i13dIA

pick me seed: internalised misogyny, patriarchy, decentering men

https://youtu.be/gGVt7vpxX28

hot girl habits

https://youtu.be/DszRCbx0_AE

what is love

https://youtu.be/mqu4RRzr2oo

increasing your baseline

https://youtu.be/iwT59y8LWfE

relationships are transactional

https://youtu.be/e4hrPViYKK8

hot girl habits

https://youtu.be/DszRCbx0_AE

non negotiable hobby

https://youtu.be/XlStSk0b4KI

https://youtu.be/jKVo3bGoyxg

people pleasing

https://youtu.be/0a0SFegK0QU

https://youtu.be/tuCg_2muajY

hook up culture

https://youtu.be/ZlWzGbWpeJI

boundaries, friends with benefits

https://youtu.be/cU7Fr7DNEz4

flirting & crushes

https://youtu.be/i-Mx2bPt1-o

books (affiliate links):

The Road Less Travelled

https://amzn.to/496J0SD

The Tragedy of Heterosexuality

https://amzn.to/4jvfFoz

follow me on IG ☆

https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡

patreon.com/amberakilla

Recording of the second discussion group for part 1 of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden ~ Baddie Book Club! We discuss reflecting on times where we've noticed we've had low self-esteem, dealing with uncertainty that comes with transition periods after break-ups and during gap years, having self-compassion for your former self, how to integrate "failure" into our definition of success and more!

join the Patreon to join the next discussion sessions! patreon.com/amberakilla

The Six Pillars of Self Esteem (affiliate link*) https://amzn.to/496J0SD

follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

slay habit trackers ☆ free download https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion

00:00

01:30 - knowing you deserve to be happy/ dealing with triggers

02:46 - integration vs healing

04:32 - distinction between mind and body, managing over-thinking

05:52 - being ok with not knowing

06:35 - whimsy and rejecting perfection

07:34 - illusion that everything has to be ‘good’

08:20 - how low-self esteem translates into how you live your life - gap year: freedom vs uncertainty

09:15 - absence of community after school

10:16 - enjoying who you are as a person

11:25 - dance & yoga

14:57 - work and self-worth

17:05 - protecting and prioritising joy

19:40 - self-esteem and love, not feeling loveable

22:13 - people with high self-esteem do not stay with partners who don’t treat them well

24:08 - self-esteem and knowing you don’t have to tolerate poor treatment

24:45 - childhood experiences that condition us to accept or normalise poor treatment

25:40 - remembering when you were able to walk away

26:49 - doing the best with the information you had at the time

27:00 - the illusion of “this time will be different”

27:27 - processing breakups

28:10 - self-compassion for your former self

29:58 - you are not alone

30:40 - looking forward to an abundant life

31:44 - accepting accountability - seeing dynamics as neutral and avoiding fixation on context

33:14 - distinguishing accountability from blame

34:20 - how time changes your perspective - one day it will mean something different

35:38 - “failure” is part of success

36:55 - how you learn and integrate “failure”

37:20 - self efficacy and self respect

38:10 - being to see your progress and improvement

39:12 - knowing when to get off the wrong train

41:08 - you never fail, you win or you learn

41:28 - unquantifiable success and growth

43:00 - relationship with time, responsibility and purpose - being present

45:14 - being on the hamster wheel

45:20 - delayed gratification, pushing yourself vs punishing yourself

49:55 - your relationship to your circumstances

51:11 - the immune system of consciousness