Grandparenting can be a gift—or a point of tension—depending on how generational differences are navigated. In this episode, Jenny Brown speaks with two special guests, Selden Illick and her daughter-in-law Alison Illick, about the subtle and powerful dynamics between grandparents, parents, and children. Drawing on Bowen family systems theory, they explore how patterns of anxiety, closeness, and loyalty ripple through three generations, and what differentiation looks like as adult children step into parenthood while their parents become grandparents.

Listeners will hear real stories of family life and discover how understanding family systems theory can help shift well-meaning interference into meaningful support, so that the presence of grandparents strengthens, rather than strains, the family system. Parents will gain practical insight into setting boundaries, preserving their authority, and fostering healthier connections with grandparents while reducing tension at home.

Selden Dunbar Illick founded the Princeton Family Center in 1987 based on Murray Bowen’s natural systems theory and is now Trustee Emerita of its educational branch. She has served on the Florida Family Research Network board and is active in the New England Study of Bowen Theory. Formerly in private practice in New Jersey and Florida (1983–2004), she now consults in Massachusetts, helping people apply Bowen theory to family, work, and social systems. A frequent presenter on the impact of unresolved childhood patterns, she recently contributed a chapter on emotional attachments and chronic illness in Death and Chronic Illness in the Family: Bowen Family Theory Perspectives.

Alison Illick lives in New Haven, Connecticut with her husband, Christopher, and their four sons. A former New York City public school teacher with degrees from Columbia University, she later supported her husband’s medical practice in various roles. In recent years, she has studied Bowen theory at the Princeton Family Center for Education and the Bowen Center in Washington, DC. Alison finds the framework a valuable way to understand family and work systems and focuses on managing herself within them—an interest first sparked in college and later encouraged by her mother-in-law, Selden.

Links

Selden as a previous guest on our podcast

https://parenthopeproject.com.au/podcasts/grandparenting-relationships/

The Princeton Family Center, New Jersey

https://www.princetonfamilycenter.org/

Selden speaking on relevant topics

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=921333534908389

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