ADHD Mums

‘It’s not fair!’ You’ve heard it so many times you could scream. And the worst part? Sometimes they’re right.

You keep asking the kid who says yes. The one who does it properly, first time, without the whinging. It’s faster. It’s quieter. And it might be quietly teaching her the exact thing you’ve spent years trying to unlearn.

Parenting educator Gen Muir is back. We get into why one kid ends up carrying more, why so many boys genuinely don’t see the towel on the floor, what to do about the plate that never makes it back from the rumpus room, and how to hold a chores boundary when you’re the one with ADHD and consistency is the hard bit. Plus the one line Gen would put on your fridge.

Listen to the whole Mental Load series: Mental Load series

More episodes you might like:

• Gen’s first episode with me, on sibling rivalry: Sibling Peace
• Where the good girl pattern starts: Good Girl Conditioning

If you’re the one doing everything, I wrote Doing Too Much for mums whose problem isn’t doing too little. It’s a printed workbook, posted to you, that helps you work out what to put down first. Doing Too Much workbook.

About Gen

Gen Muir is a parent educator, obstetric social worker and founder of Connected Parenting. Her new book, Why Kids Need Boundaries, is out now.

• Connected Parenting
• Beyond the Chaos podcast with Amy Gerard
• High Low Buffalo Cards

References

• Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33-52.

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‘If you can focus on that, you can focus on this.’ You said it standing at the bench, and he looked at you like you’d said it in another language.

He’s just died fifteen times on the same level and gone again. Ten maths questions, Year 4 stuff he’s done before, and a minute and a half later he’s picking the sticker off his drink bottle. Is he lazy? Is he doing it on purpose? Is he choosing? A listener asked all three, and the answer isn’t the one the screen-time argument gives you. Taking the iPad away doesn’t fix it, and there’s a reason.

More on school and homework: the school collection

https://tr.ee/schoolcollection

Mentioned in this episode: Why You Snap at 4pm When You Were Fine at 9am

https://tr.ee/qa3RcmxWoq

The free Energy Accounting Guide I mention, for working out how much your child has left by homework time

https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/

If homework is one more thing the school hands you to sort out at the kitchen bench, When School Isn’t Working is the guide I wish I’d had: the scripts, the rights and the plans for when the system doesn’t fit your child. Doing this on your own and money’s tight? Email me at [email protected].

https://adhdmums.com.au/product/making-school-work-parent-guide/

References

Sonuga-Barke, E. J., Taylor, E., Sembi, S. & Smith, J. (1992). Hyperactivity and delay aversion I: The effect of delay on choice. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 33(2), 387–398.

Antrop, I. et al. (2006). ADHD and delay aversion: the influence of non-temporal stimulation on choice for delayed rewards. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 47(11), 1152–1158.

Lemiere, J. et al. (2012). Brain activation to cues predicting inescapable delay in adolescent ADHD: an fMRI pilot study. Brain Research, 1450, 57–66.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Mentioned in this episode:

Free Resources

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Have you ever done everything right — dropped the demand, softened the ask, delivered it the one way that works — walked out of the room for two minutes, and come back to a child on the floor who won't get up for an hour because someone else said it wrong? Have you ever quietly decided it's easier to just do all of it yourself, every time, than risk the fallout of handing it over?

Low-demand parenting has saved families. Nobody talks about where the demand actually goes when it drops off the child. Rachel Few came on to say the thing she's watching happen in her clinic and nowhere else — that it lands on the mum, and she's already carrying more than anyone can see.

RESOURCES & REFERENCES

Free Resources

Energy Accounting Guide — for finding where your limit actually is when you've been running on empty — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/

Household Family Meeting Template — for the 'why does all the communication land on me' default-parent dynamic — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/

Paid Resources

Meltdown & Shutdown Guide — a printed, posted guide for the meltdowns and shutdowns Rachel maps through this episode — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/navigating-meltdowns-strategies-for-parents/

ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/

Related Episodes

Is PDA Real and What Can We Do About It? — with Michelle Garnett — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-30-could-it-be-pda-exploring-the-signs-and-why-its-different-from-odd/

Meltdowns — with Tania Waring — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-31-meltdowns-with-tania-waring/

What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/

Self-Care Feels Nice. Self-Regulation Keeps You Alive. — Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-53-quick-reset-self-care-feels-nice-self-regulation-keeps-you-alive/

Rachel's earlier episodes:

Overstimulated Before 7am — And No One Sees the Work — Rachel's first, one of the most-consumed on the show — https://adhdmums.com.au/episode/rachel-few

ADHD and Survival Mode: How to Stop Trying Harder and Actually Thrive — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/adhd-survival-mode-trying-harder-thriving/

About the Guest

Rachel Few runs Neurodivergent Counselling and Mentoring on the Sunshine Coast — telehealth, available Australia-wide. A neurodivergent mother herself, she works with women and mums on identity, burnout and thriving after diagnosis, and she's on the ground with what she's seeing in the room right now.

Website: https://rachelfew.com/

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The script sat in your handbag for three weeks. Not because you’d changed your mind, but because you didn’t know what you’d say when he found it.

Then you told him over the dishes, and he didn’t even turn around. ‘I’m not giving a seven-year-old drugs.’ He asked what was actually in it, and you couldn’t answer. Argument over.

If you’re weighing up ADHD medication for your child, and someone at home has read ‘amphetamine’ off the label, this one’s for you. A listener sent me this exact voice memo, and I see versions of it in our group all the time.

More on ADHD medication: the medication collection

https://tr.ee/medication

Mentioned in this episode: Expectation Creep Explained

https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/when-school-feels-too-much-too-early-expectation-creep-explained/

If you want the plain-English version to hand to whoever’s asking the questions, A Guide to ADHD Medication is the one I wish I’d had at the kitchen bench.

https://adhdmums.com.au/product/a-guide-to-adhd-medication/

References

Volkow, N. D. & Swanson, J. M. (2003). Variables that affect the clinical use and abuse of methylphenidate in the treatment of ADHD. American Journal of Psychiatry, 160(11), 1909–1918.

Shaw, P. et al. (2007). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is characterized by a delay in cortical maturation. PNAS, 104(49), 19649–19654.

Quinn, P. D. et al. (2017). ADHD medication and substance-related problems. American Journal of Psychiatry, 174(9), 877–885.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Have you ever been to a friend’s house where the kids walk around like they’re in a library, and yours are running like it’s a race car track? And on the drive home you’re already doing the maths on what she’s doing that you’re not.

If you’re parenting ADHD kids, you know the list. You’ve read the books. You do the warnings, the timers, the snack in the car. And the noise in your house still doesn’t match the effort. So is any of it working, or have you made a rod for your own back?

A listener sent me this exact question as a voice memo, and so many of you have asked it in the group.

More on parenting ADHD kids: the parenting collection

https://tr.ee/parenting

Everything I’ve made for mums in the thick of this is in the shop.

https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/

References

Agnew-Blais, J. C. et al. (2022). Mother’s and children’s ADHD genetic risk, household chaos and children’s ADHD symptoms: a gene–environment correlation study. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 63(10), 1153–1163.

Daley, D. et al. (2014). Behavioral interventions in attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials across multiple outcome domains. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 53(8), 835–847.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Only 5% of the most-watched ADHD videos tell you what to do next. The misleading ones get millions more views.

You’ve saved hundreds of them. They all say the same thing: that’s me.

So does social media make ADHD worse? A listener asked me exactly that, and halfway through asking, she lost her own train of thought. I get into the question underneath it. Not what the reels make you feel, but what they’ve actually changed. Plus a 10-minute sort for the saved folder on your phone that you can do tonight.

And why one piece of anonymous feedback changed the whole direction of this podcast.

New here? Start with these episodes

More on moving past ‘that’s me’: ADHD and Survival Mode: How to Stop Trying Harder and Actually Thrive (with Rachel Few)

The lipoedema surgery I mention: The Real Cost of Lipedema Surgery in Australia

References

Sieferle, K., Guidi, T., Dorr, F., & Bitzer, E. M. (2025). Quality and perception of ADHD content on TikTok. JMIR Infodemiology.

Yeung, A., Ng, E., & Abi-Jaoude, E. (2022). TikTok and ADHD: a cross-sectional study of social media content quality. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Have you ever looked at your two children — one whose needs are loud, out front, impossible to miss, and one who just gets on with it — and quietly told yourself the second one's fine? Have you ever not gone looking, because who goes hunting for a problem in the child who seems okay, when the other one is taking everything you've got?

The quiet one learns to need nothing at all. And it can cost her for years before anyone notices. Emily Jade O'Keeffe was that child — the good girl next to the brother everyone could see — and she didn't spot it in her own daughter until someone else did.

RESOURCES & REFERENCES

Free Resources

The Quiet Exclusion Kit — for the child who copes, complies, and slips under the radar — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/quiet-exclusion-kit/

After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the grown 'good girl' who's just realised it was her too — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/

Paid Resources

ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — for the one who learned to need nothing, working out what she actually needs now — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-reset-workbook-values-energy-planning-for-adhd-mums/

ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/

Related Episodes

ADHD and Marriage: We Separated for 18 Months. Then He Got Diagnosed — with Emily Jade O'Keeffe — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/husband-adhd-diagnosis-saved-marriage/

Uncovering the Subtle Traits of Autistic Daughters — with Eliza Harris — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-62-uncovering-the-subtle-traits-of-autistic-daughters/

About the Guest

Emily Jade O'Keeffe is a Gold Coast broadcaster who's been number one on breakfast radio for years (102.9, weekdays 5–9am), and she hosts her own podcast, Move Over Mama, with her 14-year-old daughter Millie — interviewing people about who they were as teens and what shaped them. She grew up the eldest of five in a neurodivergent country-town family, and came to her own diagnosis as an adult, after her husband and children.

https://www.moveovermama.com/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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She mentioned a friend called Kel. That was it. That was the whole thing. Twelve seconds, and you'd filed her under no vacancy, decided your kids didn't match, and worked out she already had a Tuesday person.

Then the term ended and you didn't sign up again, and she probably has no idea any of it happened. This episode is about the forecast you make in the first few seconds, and whether it was ever true.

Related Episodes

Every RSD episode in one place → https://tr.ee/RSD

Navigating School Pick-Up & Social Settings — how ADHD and autistic mums read social situations, how neurotypical people do, and how to bridge the gap → https://adhdmums.com.au/product/surviving-school-pick-up/

References:

Erhardt & Hinshaw 1994; Blachman & Hinshaw 2002.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Nine good comments in the performance review. One 'area for growth'. Three days later you can still quote the one, word for word. You couldn't name a single one of the nine.

That's ADHD rejection sensitivity, and the usual fixes don't touch it. Don't take it personally. Keep a praise folder. You've tried. There's a reason the nine never land, and it's not that you're too sensitive.

More episodes on RSD

If this one hits, listen next: Why You Can't Accept Kindness: Masking, Surface Acting and the Wall That Blocks Love In

Free Resources Available here

References

Mylett et al. (2026). Social camouflaging in adults with ADHD. Research in Neurodiversity.

McKinney et al. (2024). Camouflaging in neurodivergent and neurotypical girls. JCPP Advances.

Wicherkiewicz & Gambin (2024). Camouflaging, life satisfaction and depression in women with ADHD. J Autism Dev Disord.

Swann, De La Ronde & Hixon (1994). Authenticity and positivity in marriage and courtship. JPSP.

Kwang & Swann (2010). Do people embrace praise even when they feel unworthy? PSPR.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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You did Pilates every week for a year. Then you bought the reformer so you'd never have to drive there again. You haven't done Pilates since.

Now there's a new idea that won't leave you alone, and it feels exactly like the last one did on day one. So how do you know if this one's real?

That's the ADHD hyperfocus question a listener sent in. She's been a teacher for 27 years. For the last few years something's been building in her: she wants to start a neurodivergent-affirming school. She's even gathered a small group who want in. But she's asking whether it's her real direction, or just another collection of ADHD ideas.

I didn't feel qualified to answer that. I've moved house more times than I'd like to admit, and I once had a magnificent pros and cons list for a move to acreage. Every reason on it was true. Two years later, we're moving back to the beach.

So I went looking for a better way to tell a hyperfocus from a real passion than checking how strongly you feel it. The feeling is where most of us go first. It's also the one thing that can't give you the answer.

There's the graveyard of hyperfocuses: the garden beds, the online course with no modules done, the podcast that got two episodes. Most of us read that pile as a verdict on our character. It might be the most useful data you've got. Then there's the advice ADHDers get about new ideas, like 'finish what you start before you start something new'. That one was never going to work for a brain that makes this many ideas.

And there are three tests to try before you quit the job, or buy the gear.

Related episodes:

• When You Keep Starting the Same Thing – And It Never Gets Finished
• Tis the Season to Overspend: ADHD Mum vs. Impulse Shopping

Free guides: I gave away 16 guides I used to charge for. Grab the one that fits at adhdmums.com.au/resources

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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References

• Hoogman M, Stolte M, Baas M, Kroesbergen E. Creativity and ADHD: a review of behavioral studies, the effect of psychostimulants and neural underpinnings. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 2020.
• White HA, Shah P. Uninhibited imaginations: creativity in adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Personality and Individual Differences, 2006.

Mentioned in this episode:

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