This episode is for ADHD mums who feel their nervous system spike over questions that look harmless on the surface. The kind of questions that arrive when the brain is already full, already tracking consequences, already holding the household together. What’s commonly said is that this is about tone, patience, or communication. What actually happens is that one brain becomes the default place where uncertainty is dropped, again and again, until even small interruptions start to hurt.

The moment is familiar. A partner asks about milk, school times, or whether it’s ‘okay’ to do something. The question isn’t urgent. It isn’t unreasonable. But it lands as work. Not because the mum is controlling or irritable, but because her brain is already running the system. This episode names what that interruption really costs, and why it keeps getting misread as an attitude problem instead of a capacity one.

– How everyday questions quietly route responsibility to the same person

– Why being ‘just asked’ is not neutral when one brain is already saturated

– The social script that frames overload as impatience or moodiness

– How certainty-seeking in one partner becomes burnout in the other

– Why ADHD mums become the household search engine without consenting to the role

– The cumulative cost of interruption, not the content of the question

– You snap at small questions and immediately feel guilty

– You’re praised for being flexible while your capacity keeps shrinking

– You notice that decisions default to you, even when others could decide

– You dread interaction because it so often turns into another task

– You’ve been told you’re overreacting when your body is already at its limit

When this pattern stays unnamed, ADHD mums adapt quietly. They answer questions they shouldn’t have to answer. They decide things prematurely just to stop the interruption. They carry responsibility they never agreed to carry. Over time, the brain never gets to rest. It stays on duty, waiting for the next drop.

What looks like a communication issue is often a structural one. When every uncertainty is routed through the same nervous system, exhaustion becomes inevitable. Naming that isn’t withdrawal. It’s a refusal to keep absorbing costs that were never meant to be individual.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

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Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on? You can send it through here.

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There is a kind of grief that mums are not supposed to name. It could be called ungrateful.. but a lot of us feel it. So it stays private, carried quietly while life keeps moving and decisions keep getting made.

This episode sits with the grief of the unlived motherhood — the version of parenting that was imagined, planned for, and socially rewarded, and then slowly dismantled by reality. Not because the mum did anything wrong, but because parenting did not arrive as promised, and the cost of adjusting was absorbed almost entirely by her.

In This Episode, We Cover

– Realising the life you planned no longer fits

– Changing schools, routines, and priorities without calling it loss

– Supporting children while privately missing your old life

– Being told to be grateful while something keeps breaking

– Noticing the grief surface long after the decision is made

– Carrying expectations that don’t match daily reality

This Episode Is For You If

– Mornings don’t look how you thought they would

– Your days are built around needs you didn’t anticipate

– You’ve adjusted plans more times than you can count

– You support your family while missing parts of yourself

– You’re functioning, but something feels quietly unfinished

Related Episodes

You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now.

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/

Curated Related Links

The Orchid and the Dandelion — Thomas Boyce

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25614459-the-orchid-and-the-dandelion

Dr. Vanessa LaPointe — Official Website

https://drvanessalapointe.com

The Unlived Life of the Parent — Carl Jung (concept reference)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201112/the-unlived-life

The Work — Byron Katie

https://thework.com

This isn’t weakness.

This is adaptation under pressure.

Mums are doing impossible things every day — and still standing.

Responsibility’s already on me.

If this tips, it’ll be because I waited too long.

That’s how the morning starts.

There’s a clock running. Shoes half on. Bags not where they should be. One kid slowing down, another winding up. Nothing’s happened yet, but the margin’s already thin. I step in early, before anyone else thinks it’s necessary, and it gets read straight away as 'being grumpy.'

1. The internal belief that responsibility defaults inward before the day begins
2. How a single morning escalation under time pressure is interpreted differently by those around you
3. What it’s like to step in early and have that read as impatience or control
4. The moment intervention happens before anything has officially gone wrong

1. Mornings feel loaded before the first decision is made
2. You act early because the margin already feels thin
3. Your responses are misread in real time by others
4. You carry the sense that if it falls apart, it’s on you

Why Am I Bracing for Impact When Nothing Is Wrong? (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-10-quick-reset-why-am-i-bracing-for-impact-when-nothing-is-wrong/

You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now.

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/

The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/

The morning doesn’t resolve. There’s no clean ending attached to it. Just the moment being seen while it’s still happening.

Not as overreaction.

Not as a set of steps.

As regulation under load, in real time, with the clock already ticking.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on? You can send it through here.

https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmums

You can feel it tipping before anyone else does.

Everyone’s still chatting, still comfortable, and your body’s already tightening.

You know if you stay, you’ll be the one dealing with what comes next.

It’s that familiar moment where nothing’s happened yet, but you’re already bracing for the clean-up.

1. What it’s like to step in early when you’re the one who ends up carrying the fallout
2. How being told to ‘relax’ or ‘let it play out’ misses where the cost actually lands
3. Why stepping in early often gets read as control from the outside
4. The difference between reacting to what’s happening and knowing what usually comes next
5. How early exits, early no’s, and early decisions reduce the total load

1. You’re usually the one calling it before things tip
2. You leave events early and feel judged for it
3. You’re told nothing has happened yet, but you know what comes after
4. You’re the one left carrying the aftermath
5. You’re tired of second-guessing what you know because you’ve lived it

Why Am I Bracing for Impact When Nothing Is Wrong? (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-10-quick-reset-why-am-i-bracing-for-impact-when-nothing-is-wrong/

Surviving the Mental Load of the School Year

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-63-surviving-the-mental-load-of-the-school-year/

When You Can’t Relax Even When It’s Quiet

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/

You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now.

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/

The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/

This isn’t about being better at sitting with uncertainty.

It’s about exposure.

Some people only experience the moment.

Others are the ones who absorb what comes after.

Leaving early doesn’t look necessary when you’re not the one managing the fallout. What looks like overreaction from one place is actually load reduction from another.

You’re not creating problems too soon.

You’re carrying the cost so it doesn’t land later.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on? You can send it through here.

https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmums

This episode sits in a very specific moment: when nothing has technically happened, but your whole system reacts as if something has gone wrong.

1. A message goes unanswered.
2. A reply takes longer than expected.
3. A conversation pauses.
4. And suddenly, silence feels loaded.

In this episode, Jane explores why those moments don’t register as neutral. They register as danger. Not because you’re dramatic or overthinking — but because past experiences have taught your system that silence can mean rejection, conflict, or loss of safety.

The panic that shows up isn’t reactive. It’s predictive.

And the relief that floods in when the reply finally comes? That’s not embarrassing. It’s data. Evidence that your system misfired a protective alarm — not that something is wrong with you.

This is a recognition episode, not an explanation. It doesn’t teach you how to stop spiralling. It names why the spiral happens — and lets that understanding do the calming.

1. Why silence is experienced as threat, not information
2. How past social pain trains the brain to predict danger early
3. Why panic is terrible at writing messages
4. The relief that comes when nothing was actually wrong — and what it proves
5. How overprotection develops from lived experience, not weakness
6. Why this reaction is about safety, not self-control

1. Unanswered messages make your whole body brace
2. Silence feels heavier than words
3. You rewrite texts that didn’t need fixing
4. Relief after a reply is followed by self-doubt or shame
5. You want recognition, not advice

These episodes deepen the same patterns of silence, rejection sensitivity, and misread threat.

An RSD Story: Taking My Own Advice

A personal lived experience of rejection sensitivity and shame loops.

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/an-rsd-story-taking-my-own-advice-s1-ep9/

Why Am I Bracing for Impact When Nothing Is Wrong? (Quick Reset)

How the system predicts danger before there’s evidence.

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-10-quick-reset-why-am-i-bracing-for-impact-when-nothing-is-wrong/

When You Can’t Relax Even When It’s Quiet — What Your Body Is Doing and Why

Hypervigilance and waiting for the social ‘drop’.

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/

No, I Can’t Meditate. I’m Too Busy Disassociating. (Quick Reset)

What happens when emotions spike and the system moves into coping mode.

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-47-quick-reset-no-i-cant-meditate-im-too-busy-disassociating/

I Cancel Plans Because I Don’t Have the Energy to Fake My Personality (Quick Reset)

Rejection sensitivity, social exhaustion, and withdrawal as protection.

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-14-quick-reset-i-cancel-plans-because-i-dont-have-the-energy-to-fake-my-personality/

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on? You can send it through here.

https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmums

If you’re standing at the edge of a new school year already feeling tight, alert, or on edge — this episode is for you.

Not because you’re anxious.

Not because you’re controlling.

And not because you’re ‘that mum’.

In this episode, Jane unpacks what actually happens for many mums as school resumes — especially those parenting neurodivergent children.

1. The pressure to stay ahead.
2. To manage outcomes.
3. To prevent last year from repeating itself.

What often gets misunderstood is this:

1. that tension isn’t about wanting control.
2. It’s about knowing what’s at stake.

This episode explores the difference between regulation through behaviour and regulation through relationship — and why mums so often find themselves translating between systems that don’t speak the same language.

Jane reflects honestly on her own controlling reactions, not as a flaw, but as a signal of care under pressure.

The result is an episode that offers relief, recognition, and permission — not resolution.

This is not a ‘back to school readiness’ episode.

It’s an emotional exhale before the year begins.

1. Why the start of the school year activates so much nervous system stress
2. How last year gets carried forward in the body
3. The difference between caring, control, and influence
4. Why mums are often labelled ‘that mum’ when they’re actually translating systems
5. Regulation through relationship vs regulation through behaviour
6. How fear of repetition drives over-functioning
7. Why letting go of control isn’t the same as giving up
8. Permission to choose influence where control isn’t possible

1. You feel braced heading into the school year
2. You’re worried about becoming ‘that mum’
3. You’re carrying last year’s stress into this one
4. You’ve had to advocate repeatedly for your child
5. You feel responsible for making the system work
6. You want relief and clarity, not another checklist

These episodes sit in the same school-season and systems-translation lane, and deepen the themes explored here.

Surviving the Mental Load of the School Year

Why mums carry the system stress, not just the logistics

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-63-surviving-the-mental-load-of-the-school-year/

Why am I bracing for impact when nothing is wrong? (Quick Reset)

How last year gets carried in your body

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-10-quick-reset-why-am-i-bracing-for-impact-when-nothing-is-wrong/

Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible: How to Share the Load Without the Stress

Translating between systems, not controlling them

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-73-making-the-invisible-mental-load-visible/

The Great Gaslighting: When Schools Say ‘We Don’t See It’

Validation for parents who know their child needs relationship first

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-7-school-series-the-great-gaslighting-when-schools-say-we-dont-see-it/

When School Stops Feeling Safe

What happens when connection breaks down

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-19-when-school-stops-being-safe/

You’re not ‘that mum’.

You’re a mum who knows what happened last time — and doesn’t want a repeat.

This episode isn’t asking you to try harder.

It’s reminding you that regulation, safety, and influence don’t come from control.

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on? You can send it through here.

https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmums

If you’ve ever been told you’re ‘too soft’ or that your child just needs firmer discipline — this episode is for you.

Not because you need to learn how to parent better.

But because the judgement itself is the problem.

In this episode, Jane unpacks one of the most exhausting myths ADHD parents face:

that challenging behaviour is a discipline failure rather than a regulation issue.

When children melt down, struggle to comply, or can’t do today what they managed yesterday, the adult world often reads this as defiance, manipulation, or laziness. Parents are then pressured to punish harder — even when punishment clearly isn’t helping.

This episode stands between you and that pressure.

Jane explains why ADHD is not a behaviour to 'manage', why punishment backfires for dysregulated nervous systems, and why fluctuating capacity is not inconsistency or bad parenting. Most importantly, it names the quiet shame parents carry when they’re blamed for something that was never a moral failure to begin with.

This is not a debate about discipline styles.

It’s a defence of parents who are paying attention.

1. Why being told to ‘be firmer’ feels personal — and why it causes so much damage
2. The myth that punishment teaches self-regulation (and what it actually teaches instead)
3. Why ADHD is not a behaviour problem but a developmental delay in regulation
4. How shame undermines self-esteem and worsens behaviour over time
5. Why ‘they did it yesterday’ is a misunderstanding of fluctuating capacity
6. How inconsistent capacity gets misread as manipulation
7. Why punishment often increases defiance and emotional dysregulation
8. The difference between obedience and safety
9. Why connection builds skills in the long term — even when it’s harder in the short term
10. How to hold boundaries without turning distress into a moral failure

1. You’re constantly being judged for choosing understanding over punishment
2. Family members question your parenting or dismiss ADHD
3. You feel blamed when discipline doesn’t ‘work’
4. Your child copes one day and falls apart the next
5. You’re exhausted from explaining yourself over and over
6. You know punishment isn’t helping — but feel pressured anyway

These episodes deepen the themes discussed here and support the same values-driven approach.

The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)

Why pressure backfires, and how shame and guilt shape behaviour and self-esteem

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/

Sibling Peace: Transform Rivalry into Relationship Building with Gen Muir

Supporting sibling relationships through regulation and connection, not punishment.

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/sibling-peace-transform-rivalry-into-relationship-building/

The Truth About Time-Outs and What to Try Instead with Gen Muir

Why time-outs often fail for ADHD kids, and what helps instead.

🧠 Research Referenced in This Episode

Research referenced in this episode includes neuroscience and developmental studies showing structural and functional differences in ADHD brains, particularly in areas related to executive function, impulse control, and emotional regulation. This body of research includes findings from MRI and brain-imaging studies and supports ADHD as a neurodevelopmental difference rather than a behavioural issue.

Russell Barkley – ADHD and self-regulation

This episode draws on the work of Dr. Russell Barkley, whose research frames ADHD as a developmental delay in self-regulation and executive functioning. His work highlights why punishment does not teach missing skills, and why support, skill-building, and positive reinforcement are more effective for ADHD children.

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on? You can send it through here.

https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmums

And you’re not failing at life.

If you wake up already tired — before anything has even happened — this episode explains why.

Not in a ‘here’s what to do’ way.

In a ‘nothing is wrong with you’ way.

In this episode, Jane names the invisible thing that keeps so many mums feeling behind, rushed, and quietly panicked even on calm days: carrying responsibility before it’s required.

It’s why the phone ringing makes your body brace.

Why waiting doesn’t feel like rest.

Why you feel like you’re about to get in trouble — even when everything is fine.

This isn’t anxiety.

It isn’t disorganisation.

And it isn’t you being dramatic.

It’s what happens when your nervous system learned, very early on, that missing things had consequences — so it stayed alert just in case.

This episode is about the mum who feels behind before she’s started…

and the relief of realising she’s not behind at all — she just started carrying it too early.

1. Why you can feel exhausted even when nothing has gone wrong
2. The ‘I must have forgotten something’ feeling — and where it comes from
3. Why your body braces when the phone rings
4. What it means to live in ‘standby mode’
5. How responsibility can show up before it’s actually required
6. Why urgency feels real even when it isn’t
7. The difference between being behind and being early
8. The quiet permission to stop obeying the rush

1. You feel behind before the day even begins
2. Your body is always waiting for something to go wrong
3. You apologise or explain yourself before anyone asks
4. Quiet days still feel heavy and tense
5. Rest doesn’t feel like rest
6. You want relief — not another strategy

1. Quick Reset: Mum hack meal planning for when you’re already burnt out
2. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-43-quick-reset-mum-hack-meal-planning-for-when-youre-already-burnt-out/
3. Quick Reset: Self-care feels nice. Self-regulation keeps you alive.
4. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-53-quick-reset-self-care-feels-nice-self-regulation-keeps-you-alive/
5. Quick Reset: The hallway hook that saved my sanity
6. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-38-quick-reset-the-hallway-hook-that-saved-my-sanity/

This podcast is shaped by real mums, real moments, and real nervous systems.

1. Submit a listener question:
2. https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864
3. Share feedback or topic requests:
4. https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Looking for support that’s neuro-affirming and community-recommended?

1. Free neuro-affirming provider list:
2. https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/768431/133168574745281842/share

You’re not bad at relaxing.

And you’re not doing rest wrong.

If you’ve ever noticed yourself cleaning, tidying, or “finding something to do” in the very moments you’re supposed to be enjoying — this episode explains why.

In this short but powerful conversation, Jane unpacks why so many mums feel restless, guilty, or half-revved when things finally go quiet, and why that response isn’t anxiety or a personal flaw. It’s learned usefulness — shaped by gendered conditioning and reinforced over time.

This episode is about the mum who steps out of the circle of joy to make sure the moment runs smoothly for everyone else… and then wonders why she can’t settle when nothing is required of her.

1. Why doing can feel safer than enjoying
2. How usefulness becomes tied to belonging
3. What’s actually happening when rest feels uncomfortable
4. Why this pattern runs through generations of women
5. How ADHD nervous systems stay alert when roles disappear
6. Why restlessness is role-consistent, not a failure
7. How to begin unlearning usefulness = worth (gently, slowly)

1. You feel uneasy when things finally go quiet
2. You clean or stay busy instead of enjoying moments
3. Rest makes you feel guilty, restless, or exposed
4. You’ve been told you’re “bad at relaxing”
5. You want to understand why your body stays alert — without blaming yourself

1. ADHD meds won’t fix everything — now what?
2. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-23-adhd-meds-wont-fix-everything-now-what/

1. Quick Reset: Mum hack meal planning for when you’re already burnt out
2. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-43-quick-reset-mum-hack-meal-planning-for-when-youre-already-burnt-out/
3. Quick Reset: Self-care feels nice. Self-regulation keeps you alive.
4. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-53-quick-reset-self-care-feels-nice-self-regulation-keeps-you-alive/
5. Quick Reset: The hallway hook that saved my sanity
6. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-38-quick-reset-the-hallway-hook-that-saved-my-sanity/

This podcast is shaped by real mums, real moments, and real nervous systems.

1. Submit a listener question:
2. https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864
3. Share feedback or topic requests:
4. https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Looking for support that’s neuro-affirming and community-recommended?

1. Free neuro-affirming provider list:
2. https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/768431/133168574745281842/share

You didn’t fail your New Year’s resolutions.

You survived a year that was heavier than the plans you made for it.

I asked the ADHD Mums community how their New Year’s goals actually went last year — and the answers weren’t lazy, careless, or undisciplined. They were honest. Tender. Exhausted.

This episode is a collective exhale for every mum who promised she’d get organised, rest more, yell less, move her body… and then found herself just trying to keep everyone alive.

ADHD mums don’t fail goals because they don’t care enough.

They struggle because they’re already at capacity when they set them.

1. Why New Year’s resolutions collapse for ADHD mums — especially in January
2. How burnout and survival mode sabotage motivation and follow-through
3. The difference between ‘lack of discipline’ and lack of margin
4. Why long-term planning doesn’t work when your nervous system is cooked
5. A kinder, ADHD-friendly alternative to goal-setting

1. Listen: https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/the-resolutions-none-of-us-actually-did
2. Resource: Energy Accounting Guide → https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/

1. The Year I’ve Decided Good Enough Is Enough
2. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/good-enough-is-enough-year/
3. Why Most Planners Fail ADHD Mums (And How to Finally Make One Work)
4. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-52-why-most-planners-fail-adhd-mums-and-how-to-finally-make-one-work/
5. QUICK RESET: The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’
6. https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/