ADHD Mums

The cafe moment. A waiter. Six seconds of blank silence. I've ordered for everyone in my life for 40 years and when someone asked what I wanted, there was nobody home. Season 4 starts here. This isn't a self-help season. It's not a divorce season. It's the work nobody warned us about — what happens after the diagnosis, when the operating system fails and you don't know who you are without it.

What We Cover

• The cafe, the menu, the bacon and eggs my husband always orders — and the six seconds I'll never forget
• Why I can connect every menu item to what my kids or husband would eat, but not to what I want
• The dopamine system that drives preference — and what happens after 30, 40 years of overriding it
• What I'm doing for my 40th: nothing, because I don't know
• Who you become when you're at service to everyone — partners, kids, in-laws, WhatsApp groups, work, the can-you-just emails
• Why "operating system" is the only word that fits — and why my daughter is starting to run it too
• Why the diagnosis doesn't just add a chapter. It rewrites the whole book.
• The pushback — the first quiet no, the partners who pretend not to notice, the friends who stop calling, the "you've changed"
• Why the mask isn't a costume anymore — for some of us, it's the whole identity, and everyone we love is calibrated to it
• The five-stage renovation — the cost, the recognition, the pushback, the collision, the repair
• Why I'm stuck in stage three and don't pretend otherwise
• What's coming in Season 4: Dr Sunita Chelva returning, a miniseries on the pushback, what happens in the body when the operating system can't run anymore
• Why I'm done waiting — for the politicians, the clinicians, the right medication, the right specialist, the right strategy
• The shredding (not the gym kind — the bearded dragon kind)
• I'm not your guide. I'm the woman next to you at school pickup going, this is fucked, how do you feel?

Related Episodes

• S3 EP50: HORMONES — When Hormones Hijack the Mind: ADHD, Perimenopause & Emotional Burnout (Dr Sunita Chelva) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-hormones-when-hormones-hijack-the-mind-adhd-perimenopause-emotional-burnout/
• S3 EP52: HORMONES — When HRT Isn't Enough: Mum Rage & Perimenopause Explained — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-52-hormones-when-hrt-isnt-enough-mum-rage-perimenopause-explained/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

The birthday of ADHD Mums came and went and I didn't celebrate. I'd spent a whole season demanding a seat at the table. By the end of it I was in bed, couldn't walk, getting diagnosed with perimenopause mid-record, and a friend asked me one question that broke the whole thing open. Supportive of what?

What We Cover

• The launch episode promise — "no more explaining, just strategy" — and why I delivered it and still feel like I lied
• Two lipedema operations, four months unable to walk, demanding a seat at the table from a hospital bed
• The cooked roast chicken after the C-section, and what I now call that "badge of honour"
• Crying mid-record with Dr Sunita Chelva and getting diagnosed with perimenopause to my face
• Reading the DSM at 15, walking into my parents' room, and being told to sweep it under the rug
• Why I gave up on the NDIS politicians — Mark Butler, the budget line, the room with no lived experience
• The premiers and health ministers messaging me now to re-announce nothing
• The friend who said 'Supportive of what?' and broke the whole season open
• What it costs to be the high-functioning ADHD woman who could do it all
• Why the strategy episodes were never the ones that landed — the identity episodes were
• The scheduled five-minute breakdown in the car, the wipe, the smile
• A million downloads, and what you've been doing for me without knowing it
• I'm not your guide. I'm the woman next to you in the car park.

Related Episodes

• S3 EP50: HORMONES — When Hormones Hijack the Mind: ADHD, Perimenopause & Emotional Burnout — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-hormones-when-hormones-hijack-the-mind-adhd-perimenopause-emotional-burnout/
• S3 EP52: HORMONES — When HRT Isn't Enough: Mum Rage & Perimenopause Explained — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-52-hormones-when-hrt-isnt-enough-mum-rage-perimenopause-explained/
• S3 EP35: You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
• S3: Overstimulated Before 7am (Rachel Few) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/rachel-few/
• S3 EP4: The Advanced ADHD + Neurodivergence Myths.. Busted — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-4-the-advanced-adhd-neurodivergence-myths-busted/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

Sorry I'm late. I have ADHD. So does my friend. She's sitting at the coffee shop halfway through her first one, watching me sweat through the door twenty minutes late. Same diagnosis. Different morning. Different brain doing the work behind it.

What We Cover

• The vein surgery saga — three appointments, three completely different outcomes, same brain
• The receptionist who handed me the appointment card like a library card and the one who didn't
• Why "set more alarms, leave earlier" is the equivalent of telling someone with low blood sugar to just have more energy
• The four types of ADHD time blindness — petrol gauge stuck on full, the car that won't start, the GPS that lies, the seatbelt warning that's late
• Why your strategies haven't worked — because they were built for someone else's type
• What actually works for each one — visual time, body doubling, departure rituals, calibration with a stopwatch, manufactured deadlines
• Why "I left heaps of time" keeps being true and untrue at the same time
• The 40-50% rule — adults with ADHD underestimate task time by half. Double it. Then add buffer.
• Why the friend at the coffee shop at five to nine isn't more disciplined — she's borrowing structure from her environment
• What collapses on school holidays, sick days, working from home, and what that tells you about which strategies are actually holding you up
• The estrogen/dopamine link — why the same brain at 32 isn't the same brain at 42

Free Resource

Energy Accounting Guide — for the dopamine/load piece: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/

Free Resources Library:

https://adhdmums.com.au/product-category/free-resources/

Paid Resource

ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-planner-and-values/

Related Episodes

• S3 EP24: QUICK RESET — The ADHD Myth of 'Just Try Harder' — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/
• S3 EP50: HORMONES — When Hormones Hijack the Mind: ADHD, Perimenopause & Emotional Burnout — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-hormones-when-hormones-hijack-the-mind-adhd-perimenopause-emotional-burnout/
• S2 EP67: Why Routines Always Seem to Fail for ADHD Families — and How to Fix Them — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-67-why-routines-always-seem-to-fail-for-adhd-families-and-how-to-fix-them/
• S3 EP49: QUICK RESET — "I'm Not Lazy — My House Just Doesn't Have a Memory" — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-49-quick-reset-im-not-lazy-my-house-just-doesnt-have-a-memory/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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REFERENCES

Barkley, R.A. (1997). ADHD and the nature of self-control. Guilford Press.

Noreika, V., Falter, C.M., & Rubia, K. (2013). Timing deficits in ADHD. Neuropsychologia, 51(2), 235–266.

Willcutt, E.G., et al. (2005). Validity of the executive function theory of ADHD. Biological Psychiatry, 57(11), 1336–1346.

Graybiel, A.M. (2008). Habits, rituals, and the evaluative brain. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 31, 359–387.

Toplak, M.E., Dockstader, C., & Tannock, R. (2006). Temporal information processing in ADHD. Journal of Neuroscience Methods, 151(1), 15–29.

Ptacek, R., et al. (2019). Clinical implications of the perception of time in ADHD. Medical Science Monitor, 25, 3918–3924.

Sonuga-Barke, E.J.S. (2002). Psychological heterogeneity in AD/HD — a dual pathway model. Behavioural Brain Research, 130(1–2), 29–36.

Jacobs, E., & D'Esposito, M. (2011). Estrogen shapes dopamine-dependent cognitive processes. Journal of Neuroscience, 31(14), 5286–5293.

Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

You take your child to the doctor. You tell them this isn't fussy, this isn't a phase. They tell you he'll grow out of it. Maybe it's his tonsils. Maybe you're anxious. Maybe your boundaries aren't strong enough. You leave the appointment knowing something isn't right, and starting to wonder if the something is you.

What We Cover

• Why ARFID gets missed for years while professionals chase tonsils, grommets, and dental work
• What happens when every silver bullet surgery makes zero difference and the grief that follows
• The cruise ship that didn't work, the buffet that didn't work, the Woolworths smuggling run that came too late
• Refeeding syndrome — when your malnourished child's body goes into shock from being fed
• The PEG surgery, the six-week wait that should've been six months, and a five-year-old dancing in the lounge room for the first time
• The cognitive impact of three years of malnutrition and the guilt of not pushing harder, sooner
• Why mum's intuition keeps being right while siloed specialists keep passing the buck
• The mental load of cooking the same crepe, the same rice mound, the washed meatballs — every single day
• What it costs to keep advocating when no one believes you

More About Tracy

Free Resource

Facebook Group — for parents in this loop who need other mums who get it: https://facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

External Support Tracy Mentions

• Eating Disorders Families Australia (EDFA)
• Butterfly Foundation

Paid Resource

The Meltdown & Shutdown Guide for Mums & Children

https://adhdmums.com.au/product/navigating-meltdowns-strategies-for-parents/

Episodes on ARFID & Tracy's last episode

• S3 EP58: Things That Look Like Bad Parenting But Are Actually Neurodivergence (Tracy) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-58-neurodivergence-and-parenting
• S2 EP81: You've Tried Everything… They Still Won't Eat: Real Strategies for ARFID at Home — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-81-youve-tried-everything-they-still-wont-eat-real-strategies-for-arfid-at-home/
• S3 EP46: ARFID, Eating Disorders & the Neurodivergent Body: What We Got Wrong (Marie Camin) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-46-arfid-eating-disorders-the-neurodivergent-body-what-we-got-wrong/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

You can talk your daughter down in two minutes. Then you turn around and tell yourself to stop being such a f*cking embarrassment.

Same brain. Same mum. Two completely different voices within minutes.

🧠 What we cover in this episode:

• Why you can co-regulate a child in two minutes and tear yourself apart for the rest of the day
• The "good girl" reflex and how we absorbed an inward voice between six and twenty-six
• Why co-regulation is a directional skill — and most ADHD mums have only built it pointing outward
• Why the inward channel isn't empty — it's full of RSD running threat assessment on you
• Why "be kinder to yourself" has never worked (and isn't going to)
• Why gratitude journals, affirmations, "filling your cup," and "talk to yourself like your best friend" don't fix this
• Why softness towards yourself can feel like a threat to the structure holding everything together
• The identity layer — being "the regulated one," the calm mum, the one who handles it
• The one thing that actually works — and yes, you'll feel ridiculous doing it

💭 This episode is for you if:

📥 Free Resource:

➡️ Energy Accounting Guide — for when you've worked out the cup isn't empty, it's got a hole in the bottom of it. A free guide to figure out where your energy is actually going. 👉 Download here

📓 Want to go deeper?

The ADHD Values & Planner is for when you realise being "the regulated one" has become an identity, not a choice — and you want to find your way back to what actually matters to you. 👉 Get the planner here

🎧 Related Episodes:

• S1 EP9: An RSD Story — Taking My Own Advice 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/an-rsd-story-taking-my-own-advice-s1-ep9/
• S3 EP35: You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
• S3 EP53: QUICK RESET: Self-Care Feels Nice. Self-Regulation Keeps You Alive. 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-53-quick-reset-self-care-feels-nice-self-regulation-keeps-you-alive/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

Sometimes the only thing that got you through the day was the iPad.

And then you scrolled past a clip telling you screens are rewiring your kid's brain. Causing ADHD. Making them socially broken. And your stomach dropped.

You weren't being lazy. You were trying to regulate yourself before you said something you'd regret.

But the guilt arrived anyway. Right on cue.

This week, Amanda Moses — senior psychologist, ADHD and autism assessor, the woman who actually trains other psychologists in this space — sits down to go through the Osher Günsberg clip line by line. The one with the neuroscientist claiming 'digital ADHD' is now the majority of cases. The one your mother-in-law sent you. The one that made you feel sick.

Amanda brings the receipts. None of them say what he said they said.

• The 'digital ADHD' claim — and what the actual heritability research says (74-80%, by the way)
• Why your phone notification is not going to give you a heart attack, no matter how many amygdala fight-or-flight diagrams someone draws
• The 'still face' babies story — what the research actually shows about distraction
• Why online connection counts — especially for autistic women, regional mums, and anyone who can't just 'turn up to playgroup'
• Why this kind of content hurts the women who can't afford a psych session and are already running on guilt

Amanda's References from this episode:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11472914/

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0306910

https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychiatry/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1441191/full

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00787-022-02130-3#Sec25

Check out Related Episodes

• S2 EP82: ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed (Amanda Moses) https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/
• S3 EP34: Is It Social Anxiety — or Is It Autism (Amanda Moses) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-34-is-it-social-anxiety-or-is-it-autism-with-amanda-moses/
• S3 EP4: The advanced ADHD + Neurodivergence Myths.. Busted — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-4-the-advanced-adhd-neurodivergence-myths-busted/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.

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Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

There's a script around Mother's Day that doesn't account for any of us.

You're meant to want a candle, a coffee, a sleep-in, and to look visibly grateful at the end of it. If you can't name what you want, you're ungrateful. If you do name it, you have to manage it. If you stay quiet, you spend Sunday night cleaning up the wrapping paper from your own gifts.

This episode is the one underneath that script. The maths nobody's saying out loud. The reason your brain blanks. And one small thing to try this Sunday — not to fix the year, just to notice what the silence is actually doing.

• He asks what you want and your brain just stops
• You always say I don't mind, whatever's easy and then feel a bit hollow when Sunday's over
• You've spent Mother's Days managing other people's mothers and have nothing left for your own
• You're a single mum and Sunday is just another Sunday, except this one's worse
• You're grieving — your own mum, the version of motherhood you wanted, or both
• You've been telling yourself for years that you're just too sensitive

S2 EP88: I Made the Lunches, Booked the Table, and Still Felt Invisible (Mother's Day)

S3 EP35: You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now.

S3 EP18 Quick Reset: Why You're Bad at Asking for Help and What to Do Instead

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

Half the conversations about AI are men in San Francisco telling you it'll change everything. The other half are people telling you it'll destroy the planet and your children's future.

Neither of those people are doing the school run, the NDIS application, the lunchboxes, or holding it together at 9pm.

This episode is for the mum in the middle. The one who's curious but hesitant. The one who's already using it but feels weird about it. The one who tried it once, got a creepy answer, and shut the tab.

Leticia Andrack has worked in AI since 2014. She's autistic, ADHD, PDA, dyslexic, French, and a mum of two neurodivergent girls. She's not selling you anything. She's just telling you how to use the tool without it using you.

• You've used AI to write the email you couldn't face — and felt a bit guilty about it
• You're worried about the data, the environment, your kids' futures, and you can't tell which fear is real
• You've vented to ChatGPT and it agreed with you so hard you almost did something you'd regret
• You don't know the difference between Claude, ChatGPT, Gemini, or which one to even open
• You feel behind, and behind feels like another thing on the list
• You're sick of being mansplained to about technology

• To connect with Laetitia Andrac - check her out here
• Understanding Zoe platform - check it out here

📬 Listener Questions & Community

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Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

This podcast episode is not a replacement for individual medical advice and is general education only.

You go to the mother's group, you don't put the brake on the pram, and it rolls across the carpark.

Baby is fine. You are not.

You're already the mum who decided — quietly, without asking anyone — that you wouldn't take your ADHD meds while breastfeeding. Because that's what good mothers do.

This is the episode about what happens when 'just push through' stops being a plan.

What we cover

• Why your prescriber freezes the second you say the word 'pregnant' and what to actually say back
• What the research actually says about traditional stimulants in pregnancy, and the gap between that and the kickback you've been getting
• Why pregnancy and breastfeeding aren't the same conversation, even though everyone keeps lumping them together
• The Infant Risk Center, the resource your psychiatrist probably hasn't looked at that pharmacists rely on
• Trying to conceive, IVF, egg collection, and where ADHD meds actually sit in that timeline
• The quiet self-sacrifice that tells you a thinking, regulated mother is somehow worse for the baby than an unmedicated, exhausted one
• PMS, perimenopause, antidepressants in the mix, and why ADHD is rarely just one medication, one decision, one answer
• Medication breaks, weekend breaks, and why being told to take them on the busiest days of your week isn't advice, it's a generic script
• Iron, thyroid, glucose, constipation, and the unsexy stuff your wellness actually hinges on while you're carrying everyone else's

Why this episode matters

There is a whole layer of women who stopped their meds the day they saw two lines on a test, never asked the question out loud, and have been white-knuckling it ever since. Not because the evidence said to. Because nobody safe was available to talk to. Rodney has spent thirty years being that person on the other end of the phone, and most mums have never been told he exists.

This episode is for you if

• You stopped your meds the second you found out you were pregnant and never asked anyone if you had to
• You've been told 'we don't know enough' so many times you've started saying it to yourself
• You're breastfeeding and Googling at 2am because no one in the room will give you a straight answer
• You feel guilty for wanting to be medicated, focused, and present, like that's the selfish version
• You're trying to conceive and quietly terrified that staying on your meds makes you a bad mother before you've even started
• You're the one who'd rather suffer than risk it, and you've been suffering for a while now

Related product

ADHD Medication Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/a-guide-to-adhd-medication/

External links mentioned

• Infant Risk Center — www.infantrisk.com
• Jean Hailes — https://www.jeanhailes.org.au/
• Better Health Channel — https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au

📬 Listener Questions & Community

🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)

Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.

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✍️ Ask a Listener Question (written)

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👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

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Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces

You've spent more time on drop-offs, pickups and meetings this week than your kid has spent actually learning.

You keep telling yourself the routine is good for them. They come home flat anyway.

You can see it isn't working. You just can't picture what else looks like.

So you stay on the fence. Another term. Another meeting. Another 11pm google.

What we cover

• Why most homeschoolers in Australia didn't plan to homeschool — and what 'accidental homeschooling' actually means
• The two competing fears keeping you stuck — and which one usually wins in the end
• What 'enough is enough' really looks like (it's rarely one big moment — it's bankruptcy logic: slow, then very fast)
• What a homeschool day actually looks like when you're not running school-at-home
• The legal stuff schools won't tell you — you don't need their permission
• Why $50k a year still doesn't fix this, and what you might actually be paying for
• How to take a term off without making a forever decision
• Why bullying gets reframed as 'resilience-building' at school but is illegal at work

Why this episode matters

The fence is the hardest place to live. Most parents sit there longer than the kid can afford. Rebecca has spoken to hundreds of families about why they finally jumped — and the answer isn't 'they were ready.' It's that the fear of staying finally outweighed the fear of leaving. This episode names the decision underneath the decision, and hands you a permission slip you probably didn't know existed.

This episode is for you if

• You've tried two schools, maybe three, and nothing's stuck
• The meetings have started to outnumber the actual learning
• You keep saying 'maybe next term' and next term keeps not coming
• You're more scared of Uncle Ned's questions at Christmas than you'd like to admit
• Part of you knows it isn't working, and part of you can't picture what else looks like
• You've already googled 'homeschooling Queensland' at 11pm and closed the tab

For more about Dr. Rebecca English

https://www.qut.edu.au/about/our-people/academic-profiles/r.english

Jane's Related Episodes

S1 EP63 — The Episode That Led Jane to Choose Homeschooling (Nicki Farrell, Wildlings) 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/63-episode-that-led-jane-to-choose-homeschooling/

S2 EP7 — Raising Strong Children: How to Support Without Always Solving Their Problems (Emma Rose Parsons, Spectrum House) 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-7-raising-strong-children-how-to-support-without-always-solving-their-problems/

S2 EP33 — Autistic Burnout: Self-Awareness Part 2 (Jane solo) 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-33-preventing-autistic-burnout-practical-tips-for-neurodivergent-mums-and-their-children/

S3 EP20 — SCHOOL SERIES: How to Choose a School That Won't Break Your Kid (or You) — Millie Carr https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-20-how-to-choose-a-school-that-wont-break-your-kid-or-you/

📬 Check out my Free Resources on Schools:

Choosing the Right School

https://adhdmums.com.au/product/the-school-choice-kit/

The School Complaint & Escalation Guide for Parents

https://adhdmums.com.au/product/school-complaint-escalation-guide/

📬 Check out my Paid Resource on Schools:

When School Looks Fine But Isn’t Understanding Burnout, Masking & School Can’t

Making School Work: A Parent’s Guide to Neurodivergent Kids and the System

https://adhdmums.com.au/advocacy/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)

Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.

Send me a WhatsApp voice message here:

https://wa.me/61403457313

✍️ Ask a Listener Question (written)

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

Mentioned in this episode:

Give away bad for biz - free resources

Free Resouces