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Intro:

Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to take years either. The lives of millions of other survivors around the worlds have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.

This episode of Healing From Emotional Abuse is brought to you by the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy.  Have you ever wondered why you keep falling for the same type of person? Wondering when it’s going to be your turn to have control of your life? Now is the time! The Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy: The 3 Keys to Overcoming Narcissism is an easy to follow program where I show you how to Release your trauma in a safe and healthy way, build Resilience - confidence, self-esteem, self love, and self-worth, and then rebuild your environment. Surround yourself with healthy people and energy.  Your life is yours, and the decisions you make should reflect the people in your life who deserve to be there.  People who treat you with kindness and respect.  Who value you and show you that you are worthy of love everyday.  Friends who love and support you, and are positive and inspirational.  And a partner who encourages you to achieve your goals and think bigger than you’ve ever thought before.

Love is blind  season 2

Hello and welcome back to Healing From Emotional Abuse with me, Marissa F. Cohen.  I’m really excited to chat about our topic today because it’s a thorn in my side. Last week, I made a post on my personal facebook page about the show love is blind, and how after the second episode, Shayne’s behavior was so incredibly emotionally abusive that I couldn’t handle it. The post received a lot of attention and feedback from other people who have watched it, and it was pretty split between people in support and opposed to my personal interpretations and perceptions of the various quote characters. Then, after finishing the season, I made a second post.  In it, I wrote: 

So, back to #loveisblind.  First of all, none of these relationships were healthy.  Actually, in my presentations about toxic relationships for colleges and high schools, these couples covered ALL of my red flags -- thanks for making my job easier Netflix.  Examples of Red Flags and Toxic Behavior ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.  Mallory, Shake, Jarrette, Shayne, Danielle (don't get me started on her...), Deepti, Shaina, all of them. The only semi-healthy people were Nick and Sal.  

Second of all, my opinion of Shayne is unchanged.  He is a manipulative, gaslighting fool, who is a perfect example of a narcissist. He took every situation that Natalie addressed issues with and immediately turned them on her. No accountability, no fault of his own. Always her and something she did.

I can break down all the couples (or at least what we see of them) and identify all the toxic nonsense that is glamorized on this ridiculous show, but I won't bore you with that. 

What do you think?

What I didn’t expect was people actually wanting me to break down the people and relationships, and an overwhelming number of people asked. So, here we are. 

Have you watched Love Is Blind Season 2? If you have, and you’ve experienced an abusive relationship, there is a chance that you felt triggered or uneasy with a lot of the content throughout the episodes.  If you have not seen love is blind, just letting you know, spoiler alert. I’m not holding back, because this season gave me a big, unrelenting headache. 

I want to start from the beginning with you.  Just a heads up, I’m not a huge fan of reality dating shows for a few reasons.  1 they edit them to create narratives that might not have actually existed.  2. There are a team of producers behind the scenes negging and causing drama to make for quote good television. And 3. I just don’t really enjoy them.  They’re not my personal taste.  

But I have to say, this season made my job of speaking at high schools and colleges about healthy and unhealthy relationships really easy.  Want to see an unhealthy relationship? Want to see 6? Turn on Love is Blind.  It’s awful.

So, where to begin? I guess the low hanging fruit here is Shania.  Shaina is a manipulative, gross character who uses people to get what she wants.  She’s selfish, self involved, and after they leave the pods and have the mixer on the beach, she manipulates and gaslights Shayne, which is a nice change of pace, because he spent the first several episodes manipulating and gaslighting Natalie.  So healthy. Shaina was like a fly buzzing around your house. She would disappear and reappear when it was convenient. Personally, I think they kept her in to try and neg people and start drama, but nobody cared about her so they dropped her. Thank god, because any more airtime of her and I would have driven into the city and slapped her myself. She's a trainwreck. but when they cut her from the show and stopped giving her airtime, that was probably the first and only decision that was made that I agreed with.  She was truly a narcissist. Here are the list of narcissistic traits and tendencies that she exhibited in her short time on the show that therapists use to diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder:

Deceitful - when she said yes to Kyle while knowing full-well that she wasn’t going to go through with it.  And using her religion as a crutch to continuously pick fights, to eventually end the engagement. 

Controlling and Manipulative - when she tried to manipulate Shayne into leaving Natalie. In pretty much every in-person conversation with Kyle.  At the beach with everyone she interacted with.  In the house with her family.  In pretty much any and all on-screen situations where she opened her mouth. In the pods when she knew that Shayne was going to propose to Natalie and she had already said yes to Kyle.

Jealous - Jealous of Natalie for getting engaged to Shayne. Jealous of their relationship and trying to sabotage it on the beach. 

Self Absorbed - Evident in pretty much all of her behavior. 

Egocentric - In her feeling of superiority to the other girls, especially Natalie. 

But I’ve spent enough time talking about her… more time than she deserves. So let’s move on.

Since we’re on the topic of narcissists and emotional abuse, let’s talk Shayne. Shayne has had an interesting presence on social media, meaning that he has been slammed from all corners of the country, identifying his narcissistic and manipulative behavior.  There were entire posts identifying all the emotional abuse spewing from his mouth, and validating people who were triggered by his words and his behavior. 

It all started in the pods. In the first episode, Shayne went into the pod and was expecting a date with Shaina, even said she was who he was hoping for. But instead, it was Natalie.  When he started off the conversation asking what she was wearing, and Natalie got offended, recognizing that the comment was meant for someone else, she vocalized her concerns. Point Natalie, for healthy communication. Shayne immediately backtracked and turned the blame onto Natalie, telling her that if she thought he was a dick, that’s weird and blamed her.  He then proceeded to use the fact that she’s talking to other people as well as a reason that he is faultless for hurting her feelings.  She didn’t say a word yet, and he was already telling her that it’s not his fault her feelings got hurt. Then, when she tried to explain that she felt led on, he cut her off and minimized what she was feeling, rationalized and justified his behavior, and shut her down every time she tried to foster some form of conversation.  It was difficult to watch without throwing the remote at the wall.  

And this wasn’t the last time he gaslit her, or manipulated her. The night before their wedding, they had a huge fight he told her that he hated her and she was the worst thing that ever happened to him.  At the alter, she said no because she couldn’t get past what he had said. Then, after they left the ceremony, you see them talking outside an entryway.  She was trying to address what he had said, and first, he acknowledged that he meant what he said.  Then, when she asked for clarification, he backtracked and tried to manipulate her and the conversation.  He called her crazy, and twisted the situation to make it look like she misunderstood. He refused to give a straight answer, and instead, became extremely emotional, and played victim.  Bottom line, he’s an awful person.  I could do an entire episode analyzing his behavior and explaining how he is emotionally abusive. But truly, he’s not worth the energy.

Let’s play the same game that we played with Shaina.  How many criteria does Shayne fit using the qualities therapists use to identify Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Hostile and Defensive — when addressed about issues.

Blames Others — also known as gaslighting. Misdirecting the situation so the other person is always at fault. 

Deceitful, Controlling and Manipulative — anytime he feels trapped or blamed. 

Sensitive, Self Absorbed, egocentric, emotionally unstable and overly emotional — prone to emotional meltdowns when he feels trapped or blamed, eccentric behavior, attention deficiency.  

With all of that in mind, the only three criteria for narcissistic personality disorder that we missed, and I truly believe it’s because we don’t get the full picture in reality tv, are relationship problems, isolating himself — not having a social circle or many friends of his own, and being suspicious and distrustful of others.  But I’d be willing to bet that if we saw everything the cameras caught, these three characteristics would be in there. 

On the other side of the spectrum is Danielle. Precious Danielle. Talk about a person who needs some serious self love and also therapy.  I’m hopeful that she’s not really as unhinged in real life, and that the producers just saw her as an easy target and messed with her.

As far as actual narcissists go, I personally feel that Shayne and Shaina are the only two truly toxic people deep in their souls. But that doesn’t mean that all the other relationships weren’t also toxic. So let’s dive into the couples. 

Starting with Shaina and Kyle. Kyle didn’t have a chance from the beginning.  The producers were clearly trying to recreate the Jess/Mark situation from season one. Shaina, who presents as a very vain person from the beginning, reluctantly said yes to Kyles proposal, then after meeting him, didn’t give him a chance. She blew him off in Mexico, refused to try and then proceeds to pursue Shayne, even though he has a fiancee.  She mistreated Kyle, ignored him, refused to communicate with him in any way, and didn’t take him seriously.  The poor guy tried. He even went as far as to offer giving Christianity a chance in an effort to support her, which is spiritual abuse.  But her mind was made up from the beginning.  She used him as a way to have the opportunity to interact with Shayne.  And to be honest, I personally wish they ended up together.  Let those two out narcissist each other.  

Next, let’s evaluate Sal and Mallory.  This one was a doooooozy.  There’s a lot of controversy around this couple, especially in my house.  Please, comment and resolve a disagreement for me.  My husband and I cannot agree.  If Sal didn’t say No first, do you think Mallory would have said Yes? 

Anyways, Mallory made it abundantly clear that she was not physically attracted to Sal.  And Sal, beautiful, sweet, romantic man.  Mallory continued to not communicate in any way, undermined and minimized every grand romantic gesture he did, from singing and playing the ukulele, to planning nice dinners, all of which she stated she wanted, and she refused to even give him credit.  Her response to everything was, “that’s cute” or “you’re cute.” No thank you, no reciprocated actions.  Even if you don’t love someone, or you’re not attracted to them, you treat them with respect.  Show some gratitude for a person who is doing nice things for you.  At the very basis of every healthy relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic, you have to show respect and gratitude.  And communication is key.  Sal was understanding, patient, kind, supportive, loving and respectful. He gave her her space, but also recognized that she wanted to be wooed. But she never really acknowledged the effort he put in. 

If something doesn’t feel right, or is making you unhappy or uncomfortable, communicate it.  That’s the only way issues are resolved.  But her lack of communication and respect towards him is the main reason why that relationship was toxic.  It seemed like every episode, Sal was trying to make Mallory happy, and every episode, she was still unhappy with him, but wouldn’t contribute to the relationship at all.  He may as well have been dating a car.  At least a car tells you when there’s a problem…

Deepti and Shake are next on my list.  First of all, Shake from the get go was a superficial jerk. Asking the women if he would be able to lift them… I don't know, how much do you squat bro? What an embarrassing way to present yourself to people. Let’s go onto a show that’s all about emotional connection and lead with questions about what size clothing the women wear?  Seriously? I’m not gonna lie, at first, I pitied the person who ended up with him.  What surprised me was, even though he was a self-indulgent, non communicative, toxic person, I found myself feeling bad for him for a minute.  There was a short period of time, and by short I mean maybe two episodes, where Deepti became very codependent, and was uncomfortably clingy. I still didn’t like him, but I didn’t like her more. Their relationship made me feel uneasy because it was clear that her heart was in it, and it was clear that his wasn’t.  He continuously told everyone around him that he wasn’t physically attracted to her, but wouldn’t be honest that he wasn’t interested to her.  He continued to lie directly to her about how he felt and his intentions. And even though he knew he wasn’t going to say yes, and we knew he wasn’t going to say yes, he continued to lead her on.  When she said no, which I was very VERY proud of her for, he tried to pull off a sad look, but his eyes were beyond relieved.  If you’re that unhappy that being left at the alter feels like blessing, you’re probably not in the right relationship.

Iyana an Jarrette were probably the healthiest of all the relationships, however, communication was an issue, and maturity was a big issue. He is a partier, and she isn’t.  And when that was bought to his attention, he dismissed her and it was never brought up again.  At least not on camera.  And her relationship to him felt more like watching a school girls crush on the teacher.  It was creepy how almost obsessed she was with him.  It was starting to border on codependence, and that’s toxic. I believe they loved each other, even though it was apparent that Iyanna was not his first choice, which boggled my mind that she rationalized it and still said yes.  Then, you could tell she felt incredibly threatened, and overcompensated by clinging to him, which pushed him away more. But when they finally got their bearings, which I imagine happened off camera, they seemed a little better.  In my opinion, I thought he was going to say no. It just seemed like he was half in it, waiting for the moment he could call it off, like Shake. But to my surprise, they both said yes.  And if it’s working for them, and they’re forcing each other to grow, while supporting each other and communicating in a healthy way, then more power to them.  I wish them the best.  But if those qualifiers aren’t being met, it’s not a healthy relationship.

Now, it’s a toss up. Which relationship was actually more toxic? Shayne and Natalie, or Danielle and Nick?  In my opinion, Shayne was way more toxic than Danielle, so let’s dissect Danielle and Nick next. 

Danielle and Nick looked like they were going to be the Lauren and Cameron of Season 2, but alas, they threw a curveball at us. Nick was supportive, respectful, communicative and kind.  He tried to level with Danielle when she was having her panic attacks, and tried to support her through it. Danielle showed jealousy, emotional instability, distrust and suspicion, and emotional outbursts. I feel confident suggesting that she has low self-esteem, although anyone with eyes and ears could see that coming from about 30 miles away. Danielle’s jealousy after the beach mixer, simply because other women were there was unexpected.  And it just got worse from there.  Every time there was an interaction that wasn’t 100% perfect, she would spiral, and pick a fight.  I don’t know if that’s a coping mechanism she picked up to push people away as a means of self-preservation, or if that’s just a response from someone who is extremely insecure and projecting that onto him.  Either way, toxic. Her consistently picking fights as a means of holding his attention, and also as a horrible way to communicate is extremely unhealthy. That relationship is unbalanced and unequal.  If she doesn’t seek out resources like confidence coaching or therapy, I hypothesize they will not last long. Both parties need to be healthy and capable of communicating in order to maintain a healthy relationship.

Relationships aren’t easy.  They are difficult and they require work.  People are three dimensional and have emotional and physical needs.  If those needs aren’t being met, then the relationship is unbalanced. 

And finally, the moment I’m sure we’ve all been waiting for.  Here are 300 ways Shayne and Natalie are toxic.  Just kidding… Aside from what has already been mentioned, the same way Nick and Danielle were unbalanced, Shayne and Natalie were, too.  It’s true, they had some good times, and for a minute in the middle of the season, it started to look promising.  Natalie was supportive and loving, respectful and … you guessed it, communicative.  Whenever there was an issue, she took a moment, and addressed it.  The problem was, every time there was an issue, Shayne immediately took the defensive, played the victim, and gaslit Natalie.  There was never a moment where there was healthy and honest communication back and forth.  One side healthy, the other side toxic. 

Bottom line, All of this could have been avoided if they had just … wait for it… communicated with each other.  The very basis of this show is communication, and every single couple failed at it. It’s really disappointing, because we glamorize these horrendous and toxic relationships, and paint it as love.  This is the opposite of healthy love and it needs to be addressed. These couples and these interactions and behaviors are the opposite of what to look for in relationships.  And the problem is, we as people absorb so much of what we expect in relationships from movies and television.  My hope is that everyone who watched this, saw these red flags and thought, “Oof, that’s not good.” But I doubt it, because the same people watch the show YOU and romanticize Dan’s stalking as flattering. 

The keys to a healthy relationship are support, respect, communication and honesty/trust.  If you’re in a relationship and any of these pieces are missing, I urge you to acknowledge, possibly try to fix it, or leave. Any relationship missing any one of these key elements is not healthy.  If you don’t feel supported, respected, validated and safe, then you’re not in the right relationship.  I’m sorry for being so blunt, but if we’re going to glorify unhealthy relationships on TV and learn to expect that we’re going to be treated that way, then my goal is to be louder and more straight forward.  Everyone deserves healthy and fulfilling love.  So set your standards and don’t let anyone make you question yourself. 

Thank you so much for tuning in and listening to the Healing From Emotional Abuse Podcast, today. Before you go, it’s important that you know that what you’re feeling is normal.  Everyone responds differently to trauma, narcissism, and abuse.  Our brains go into survival mode to protect us from harm.  But I want to make sure you know, you’re not alone.  I’m here, and I want to brainstorm ways that I can help ease your healing journey.  Imagine you’re standing on a cliff.  And on the other side of a deep canyon is the life that you dream of.  A partner who connects with you, supports and empowers you, and makes you laugh and smile. A life filled with freedom, confidence and peace.  I have been where you are now.  Standing on the edge, dreaming of that life.  And I’ve built the bridge between where you are now, and that dream that seems so far away.  Let me walk you across the bridge, and literally hand you the life of your dreams.  It’s possible. I’ve walked this path with thousands of survivors, who live free, confident and peaceful lives. Let’s walk this path together.  Don’t waste anymore time feeling lonely, worthless or exhausted. Schedule a call with me today at scheduleacallwithmarissa.com.

If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life.  Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

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Get Your FREE COPY of  my book, 3 Signs of A Toxic Relationship, Now...  

www.marissafayecohen.com/signs-of-a-toxic-relationship

Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to take years either. The lives of millions of other survivors around the worlds have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.

This episode of Healing From Emotional Abuse is brought to you by the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy.  Have you ever wondered why you keep falling for the same type of person? Wondering when it’s going to be your turn to have control of your life? Now is the time! The Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy: The 3 Keys to Overcoming Narcissism is an easy to follow program where I show you how to Release your trauma in a safe and healthy way, build Resilience - confidence, self-esteem, self love, and self-worth, and then rebuild your environment. Surround yourself with healthy people and energy.  Your life is yours, and the decisions you make should reflect the people in your life who deserve to be there.  People who treat you with kindness and respect.  Who value you and show you that you are worthy of love everyday.  Friends who love and support you, and are positive and inspirational.  And a partner who encourages you to achieve your goals and think bigger than you’ve ever thought before.

Thank you so much for tuning in and listening to the Healing From Emotional Abuse Podcast, today. Before you go, it’s important that you know that what you’re feeling is normal.  Everyone responds differently to trauma, narcissism, and abuse.  Our brains go into survival mode to protect us from harm.  But I want to make sure you know, you’re not alone.  I’m here, and I want to brainstorm ways that I can help ease your healing journey.  Imagine you’re standing on a cliff.  And on the other side of a deep canyon is the life that you dream of.  A partner who connects with you, supports and empowers you, and makes you laugh and smile. A life filled with freedom, confidence and peace.  I have been where you are now.  Standing on the edge, dreaming of that life.  And I’ve built the bridge between where you are now, and that dream that seems so far away.  Let me walk you across the bridge, and literally hand you the life of your dreams.  It’s possible. I’ve walked this path with thousands of survivors, who live free, confident and peaceful lives. Let’s walk this path together.  Don’t waste anymore time feeling lonely, worthless or exhausted. Schedule a call with me today at scheduleacallwithmarissa.com.

If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life.  Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

• bill cosby documentary

It’s no secret that Kanye West has mental health issues.  As a diagnosed bipolar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD, his mental health and episodes are periodically highlighted across news channels and tabloids alike. However, over the last few days, Kanye’s mental health issues have escalated to verbally and emotionally abusive tendencies, aimed towards Kim Kardashian, his estranged wife, and her new boyfriend, comedian and SNL writer and cast member Pete Davison.

Kanye has been threatening Pete with intimidation and calls for violence.  He has been harassing and threatening Kim and his children, and creating a very hostile and dangerous environment for all of them by encouraging his followers to scream at Pete Davidson if they see him in public. 

“IF ANYONE LOVES ME AND MY FAMILY IF YOU SEE SKETE IN REAL LIFE SCREAM AT THE [LOSER] AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS AND SAY KIMYE FOREVER,”

A little bit of background.  And know, that I don’t generally follow pop culture as this is really not my interest.  I’m more concerned with Kanye’s abusive behavior, but I feel some background is necessary to fully understand how sick and toxic he is. Kim filed for divorce in February 2021 citing irreconcilable differences.  From then until the news broke that she and Pete were seeing each other, everything was fine.  After the Pete and Kim relationship was public, Kanye began trying to reconcile their marriage, to which Kim adamantly rejected, and filed to be declared legally single.  Kanye, who still a year later has not signed the divorce papers, refuses to accept the divorce, and has said he never saw the papers. He also bought the house across the street from Kim and his children to be able to keep an eye on them.

In January 2022, Kanye released a new track where he said, “God saved me from this crash, just so I can beat Pete Davidson’s ass.” That call to action sparked outrage from his followers and fans.  And began what would be a very dangerous situation for Pete.

But everything erupted last weekend when Kanye really unleashed.  First, he told his fans that Kid Cudi, a friend and long time collaborator, would not be featured on his new album because he was friends with quote  you know who.  He refers to him by the nickname Skete, which is used to demean Pete, and has publicly called him a dickhead, garbage and trash.  He has posted threats of physical violence on his instagram, stating, “UPON MY WIFE’S REQUEST PLEASE NOBODY DO ANYTHING PHYSICAL TO SKETE.” And then implying that he will “handle the situations” himself as the caption to a picture from the 2001 movie Baby Boy where one man is holding the other in a chokehold.

As you can probably imagine, it’s fear-inducing to have strangers screaming at you in public, and someone threatening to “handle the situation” by implying they’re going to physically assault you, but it’s also abusive. For Kanye to be encouraging this threatening behavior is comparable to abusing someone.  He is creating a very dangerous situation in which Pete could be harmed. 

Abuse is a pattern of threats or violence towards someone in order to control and manipulate them.  And that is exactly what this is.  And in the crossfires, he is intimidating and endangering his estranged wife and children. By living across the street to watch them, and sending threatening, harassing and abusive text messages to Kim, he is sending a message that he is in control of the situation, and won’t rest until he wins.

If that doesn’t make you physically uncomfortable, I don’t know what will. He has posted private text messages to social media between him and Kim and he and Pete trying to intimidate them.  He is love bombing Kim with flowers and grand romantic gestures after she has verbalized repeatedly that she is not interested in getting back together with him. This blatant disrespect of her wishes is also a form of abuse. Love bombing is a manipulative dating practice where a narcissist uses grand romantic gestures to gain the upper hand in a relationship and control their partner.  They shower the person with love and attention, compliments, gifts, flattery.  It looks romantic on the outside, but it’s really a way for the narcissist to manipulate the environment, to make them look like the perfect partner.  It’s also a way to lure the person away from other friends, family or potential romantic interests and control their patterns and their environment.  

Are we seeing a pattern here? 

So, let me just check off some boxes. 

If abuse is a pattern of threatening and violent behavior (physical, emotional, verbal, etc.) here is a laundry list of the abusive behaviors Kanye has exhibited in the last 5 days:

1. Inciting violence against Pete Davidson by encouraging fans to scream in his face. Intimidation and Manipulation.

As survivors of abuse, you are justified in feeling triggered or uncomfortable hearing about and reading about his behavior. All of these behaviors are extremely toxic to Kim and Pete, and the well-fare of his children.  They are all feeling overwhelmed, intimidated and scared.  Although a lot of his fans are looking at what he’s doing as entertainment or justified, a lot of people are speaking out against his behaviors. Here are some tweets calling Kanye’s behavior out, and I couldn’t agree more. 

“What Kanye is doing to Kim is harassment and public humiliation. The worst part is that it's happening in front of the world and people are watching it like entertainment.”

“I think many survivors will agree this [is] far from funny or entertaining. This is the escalating point to something majorly violent, Please stop encouraging Kanye. To my survivors, please detox from this if needed. This is triggering shit.”

“None of this shit is funny, as someone who deals with this, I can say it's scary, and stressful, I have sympathy for her … It's a tough choice leaving, but I'm happy she did.”

“This is terrifying for a woman. He’s threatening violence and demanding her back. This is not okay, any woman who has been in this situation and feared for her life doesn’t think it’s funny, it’s triggering and terrifying.”

“When she directly addresses him about how he’s making her feel unsafe he decides to post a screenshot and ridicule her concerns but people want to keep defending him,”

What Kim is going through is textbook harassment. It’s terrifying how he’ll dress it up as wanting to be a present father but goes on to bombard her with gifts and affection.

The way I see it, if these are behaviors he is exhibiting publicly, think of all the toxic stuff he put her through privately.  Kanye is unhinged.  He is abusive, manipulative and sick.  His toxic behaviors need to be reprimanded because he is endangering the lives of 6 people publicly, and also is using his platform to control them. In my opinion, Kanye should be held responsible for his actions, medicated or not, because abuse is never okay.  And refusing to take care of his mental health is not an excuse.  His behavior landed him in this situation.  Kim filed for divorce because of his toxic behaviors, and by harassing her, her children, her boyfriend and threatening and inciting violence, he is only making the situation more dangerous and toxic.

If you are experiencing similar behaviors from a friend or partner, please reach out for help. You don’t deserve to live in an environment where you are constantly in fear for your life or your mental health.  You deserve to feel safe, secure, happy and peaceful in a relationship.

If you or someone you know is struggling, make a free coaching appointment with me at scheduleacallwithmarissa.com, and I’m happy to give you some resources to help you through your triggers. 

Thank you so much for joining me today, and I’ll talk to you next week! 

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Transcript Coming Soon

Transcript Coming Soon

Overcoming narcissism and healing from emotional abuse are so important to your mental health and to living a life of freedom, confidence and peace. Today, we're going to be talking to Carrie Miller about red flags, narcissistic relationships, NLP and a bunch of other really exciting other stuff. But before we start, I want to brainstorm ways that I can help ease your healing journey. Imagine you're standing on a cliff and on the other side of a deep canyon is the life that you dream of a partner who connects with you, supports you loves you empowers you makes you laugh makes you smile, a life filled with freedom and confidence and peace and unwavering happiness. I've been where you are now, standing on the edge of the cliff dreaming of that life. And I've built the bridge between where you are now. And that dream life that seems so far away. Let me walk you across that bridge and literally hand you the life of your dreams. It's possible. I've walked this path with 1000s of survivors who live a free, confident and peaceful life now, let's walk this path together. Don't waste any more time feeling worthless or exhausted. Schedule a free call with me today. At schedule a call with Marissa. It's exactly how it sounds. schedule a call with marissa.com.

Welcome back to healing from emotional abuse. Today I have on Carrie Miller. Carrie Miller is a licensed massage therapist and a trained NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming practitioner which is awesome. who specializes in helping women find themselves after narcissistic relationships. As a survivor herself. She was trapped in narcissistic toxic relationships for 23 years, one with her high school sweetheart and another long term relationship a little bit later. And she'll get more into that as we go. today. We're gonna chat about her story, how she overcame her abuse and started healing and building confidence and what she does to help other survivors overcome narcissism. Hi, Carrie, welcome on. I'm so excited to have you today. Hi, Marissa. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. Of course, we're so happy to have you. I love NLP. I think that it's so interesting. So I definitely want to dive into them later. But would you mind telling us your story? Sure.

I dated my high school sweetheart for a total of six years, we were married for almost four didn't start out as a as an abusive relationship. He was basically my knight in shining armor, you know, he treated me well, my doors, he did things that no other guy ever did. And just fell head over heels. The longer in the relationship we went, things happened red flags, I thought I was so in love that, you know, I can overlook those things. Once we got married, things really started to change. And I'm not even sure where you know, a timeframe but telling me that I couldn't do things because I couldn't I wouldn't make any money or, you know, all my friends sucked. You know, didn't like anybody I was with, or that I hung around with. So just start started distancing myself from those people because my husband didn't like them. That's what I was supposed to do. Right? Couldn't have any male friends because all they wanted to do was get my pants, you know, and just bashed me for all the male friends I had and my best friend, thank God, she was still my best friend. We went through a rough patch, but my best friend from first grade, I don't like her, you can hang around her. I gave up my best friend since first grade for him. It's my husband, he's telling me I can't hang around these people. Like I have to listen to him. Right? You know, and all of the things he was telling me and just the self confidence stuff, just you know, with the toilet, if you don't even realize it when it's happening. Couldn't keep a job for two years because of the things that were going on in the relationship. He had this way of always turning things around on onto me, it'd be my fault. I caught him going through some of my stuff, my personal stuff one day, so I was questioning him about it. Well, two minutes in all of a sudden is my whole were arguing about something else totally took the spotlight off of themselves. He wanted to be a state trooper. So he's really great at interrogation tactics and turning things around in used it on me all the time. He broke up with me several times, I always took him back. He had a really good way of hoovering me back in cold sucking it back in, he would go out with his friends, because, you know, by this time, I didn't have any friends, he would go out with his friends leave me home wouldn't come home, all night long. I'm walking out the door to go to work the next day. And he's coming home in thought that that was okay. wasn't financially helping with anything. I remember one instance where we moved into a new apartment and had to buy some furniture. So I went out and I bought a matching table, sofa back table to put in our entranceway. He gets so upset with me over that he went out and he bought a $7,000 motorcycle, and didn't tell me and thought that was okay. He had this look that he he always gave me that. I always knew that, oh, I'm in trouble now. We're young, and it's like, wait till we get home. And then I was in court. He just, he had this way of talking. That didn't sound like he was talking down to you. He had me convinced that my parents were the worst parents in the world. We talked about having kids, you know, and he's like, Well, just look at the way your mom raised you Why would you want to have kids? Would you raise it just like your mom did? And yeah, just it was unbelievable. The things that he would say and had me convinced of. So yeah, I started distancing myself from my parents thinking, you know, oh, my God, he's right. They're so bad that I'm the way I am. Because of them. You know, without me even realizing it isolated me from people and family. And the only people that we would ever go see would be his family. In You know, I just after the third time of taking him back in the staying out all night, and not telling me where he was at what he was doing and who he was with. And I had just had enough. I was tired of feeling like crap and being alone. And so I finally said, I'm done. He tried to Hoover me back in the akiem and crawl that is literally on his knees crying. Please don't leave me. I love you. And if you're trying to have these big crocodile tears down his face, and I'm just looked at him, and I'm like, No, I'm done. You had your chance. You don't want me, I'm not gonna let you continue to treat me this way. And then shortly after that started the second relationship. This is something that I normally don't do, I was I started dating somebody that I work with being lonely and just coming out of a bad relationship after six years and not getting any attention. And then all of a sudden, getting that great attention again, from somebody else ended up spending 16 years with this man moved in together after two years, not long after we started living together, he would say things just to get a reaction out of me, which was out of the ordinary for him, because it's not something he had did when we were just eating. And it wasn't all the time. And it just kind of progressively got worse from there. Once a while he'd call me name and get really so angry at me over over silly things and call me a name. And I'm like, Okay, it's just because he's angry, no big deal. Over the years, it progressively got worse, would make make me believe that the way I remembered things happening didn't actually happen. The gaslighting was unreal, making me think that I crazy for feeling the way I was feeling for thinking the way I was thinking, being told You're too sensitive. You know, just get over it, telling me oh, you're overweight you need, you need to start working out. So I start working out. And then he tells me oh, you can't work out in the house, you're gonna wear a hole in the rug. So I would go and work out in the barn on the cement floor. And then could only do that for a while because my back would hurt so bad and hardly walk. You know, just made my life so difficult, made sure that I was paying for things more than he was. So I was always financially living paycheck to paycheck. I was laid off at one point on unemployment. And our agreement was I would pay for the groceries every month. And you know, being on unemployment, you don't have a ton of money to go for a month, you know, and I would come home with this little bit of groceries and he's like, Well, just because you're on an unemployment doesn't mean I have to eat like a popper. So I would have to spend my entire unemployment check on food for him so he could eat like a king. Just he would I would clean the house and he'd come behind me and redo it all because I didn't do it good enough. The first time I

move my stuff that Tommy just things to make you really feel like you were you're crazy. I know I put this here Where did it go? You know and all of a sudden it's on the dresser in the bedroom. It's Seems so simplistic when he when I'm talking about it. And so well, that doesn't sound like abuse. But all of the things that he did that added up over the years in the progression of it, and the things he what he said, and the looks on his face when he said it in the last four years of our relationship, every time we got in a fight it was Fuck you, you know, you're you know, you stupid training. Are you stupid idiot, you're such a twat, you know, just the name calling out where's the swearing at? You got worse, and his wife, but he tells me you don't just get respect, you have to earn respect. So basically, he was telling me I have no respect for you. Even though you're my wife, the ghosting, he was really good at that. He goes to me once for eight days. In totally not look, sound a word nothing acted like I didn't even exist for eight days. You were in the same house in the same house. Yep. I never knew what I was going to come home to if he was going to be in a good mood or bad mood and, or anything in between. I walked on eggshells for eight to 10 years of our relationship, because you couldn't piss him off. If the house was clean. When he came home, he blew a gasket. And if it wasn't clean to his specifications, how did you get out? What did you do? The breaking point for me in that relationship was at this point he was he was sleeping on the couch every night. And I was sleeping in the bedroom. And he worked kind of a second shift swing shift. So when he got home at 1112 o'clock at night, he'd stay up until two three o'clock in the morning and then sleep until 1112 o'clock in the afternoon. And we had a dog. So he's in the living room sleeping on the couch and I'm in the bathroom. The dog is outside barking, he wakes up because of the dog barking, comes to the bathroom, punches open the door. It slams into the curio cabinet. I can't believe the glass didn't break in the look of rage. The complete look in his stance I was trapped in this bathroom with this man. So enraged, I thought he was gonna I was gonna hit me. I thought he was gonna beat me because the dog was barking. In the words that just came out of his mouth. I couldn't believe he was talking to me that way. With the look on his face in I don't know why he walked away. And he didn't come into the bathroom. He let me out. I grabbed the dog and I went to my parents house. In that today I asked my parents, if I divorced him, Can I move in? In a set? Absolutely. And I said I'm bringing the dog with me. Is that okay? And they said yes. That's negotiable. That was a non negotiable I got my dog has come on with me. I'm not leaving him here with this guy. They will never forget the look on his face that day. And I have always said I will never be one of those women that a guy will hit you and I wasn't going to stick around to find out if this or that was my self competence and my self esteem was zip. I don't know how I survived. Afterwards, maintaining a life. I felt like I was this big. I was the worst person on earth. No one's ever gonna love me. For me. I always have to change to make people you know, so that people will love me in when I change. That's not even good enough. Just this whole perfectionist persona that I was trying to put together was never good enough. During our relationship, I turned to alcohol to cope, because I never knew what I was going to come home to and it was easier to deal with it. If I was buzzed drinking 45 bottles of wine a week, I became a workaholic. Because I didn't want to come home. I'd leave for work as soon as early as possible. And I'd stay at work as late as possible because they didn't want to didn't want to be there with them. I was able to save up enough money to pay for a lawyer. It took about three months. And I told him I says I'm done. I'm walking away. In that conversation he called me the narcissist will never admit there are exactly I forgiven them. And I have I didn't do it for him. I did it for me.

I'm all about forgiveness being for the survivor and not for the abuser right we forgive so that we let go because holding on to it doesn't serve us in a positive way at all. And it doesn't impact our abuser or narcissist. It's literally just holding us back. So can you talk about maybe what you did that helped you forgive him and move forward or if there was any like there's a typical Give, that'd be amazing. Yeah. So even before I, I filed for divorce, I knew that there had to be something better that I can't live like this. So I started doing guided meditations. And one of the ones that I used to listen to every day was Doreen Virtue in cutting the cords and calling the angels down. And in going through this, it was like I don't like I don't 20 or 30 minute guided meditation to cut these chords. So I did that a lot. And that really helped. I did a lot of Louise Hays stuff from Hay House, you know, looking in the mirror and telling myself, I love you, you're perfect the way you are, you know, just a lot of that type of stuff. I think that took me a couple of years, just knowing that it was still eating at me. And in his eye, he was so much that I forgave him a lot. For my healing, I had to forgive myself more for letting myself get sucked into all of that. And that knowing that what was going on was unhealthy. I think that's more important for healing. Is the forgiving yourself versus the the forgiving the abuser. For my perspective anyway. I agree. 100%. Was there like a feeling that you had, when you forgive yourself? And forgive him? Did you have a, like, a divine feeling or anything when that happened? Yeah, I think there was more of a lighter feeling, which kind of progressed into the feeling happier and allowing myself to feel happy, not feeling guilty for feeling happy. And I think once I finally forgave myself, for allowing this to happen, and twice, you know, for for so long, I was finally able to get into a new relationship in a healthy relationship and see, the things that weren't supposed to happen versus the things that are supposed to happen. I think when we get stuck in that, that wallowing of that victim mentality, we're so stuck on all of the things that have happened. That's all we see, in order to get beyond seeing that, in experiencing that stuff is is the self forgiveness, and then the forgiving the abuser and saying, I am no longer going to allow that to control me or my life. I want to move on beyond there. I want to laugh and I want to smile. I deserve to be happy. I'm worthy of happiness, I'm gonna cry. And just realizing that I never even knew narcissism existed, until I was almost over with the second relationship. And that it's so prevalent in a world in the work that you do in the work that all these other people are doing to help these people help, you know, through the verbal and emotional abuse is so wonderful. I never knew that. That stuff existed until I got into the healing portion of it. And even six years after leaving that relationship, still feeling the unworthiness. I you know, I'm not even I don't deserve to be loved. I'm not perfect, I have to be perfect before anybody will love me. That still is cycling in the background in your unconscious mind. I think I found this lady who was my business mentor for massage therapy, massage therapy business. She's a NLP master trainer. And I went through her class and became certified in NLP. And the breakthrough that I have had with the techniques from NLP, to release all of those unconscious beliefs about myself that were installed from somebody else has just been phenomenal. That's

incredible. You don't even realize the self sabotaging habits you have. Because it's so habitual that even in my new relationship, you know, I'm like, I feel like this is going down that same road even though it's it's healthy and we're happy I feel like there's there's something wrong and why is that if I'm happy if we have a healthy relationship Why does Why does it feel like something's wrong get past that honeymoon phase in it starts to get it starts to get normal, you know, normal or mundane? Or you know, you get used you get into your rhythm and your your habits with each other whatever. You start putting on weight be a little lacks and you know, doing all that stuff and that's what was happening with me he was you know, turning back to wine and starting to put on the weight in eating food. You know, that was the other thing is I turned to food oh my god

and I'm just like If there's something going on here, and I can't figure it out, I, you know, I started working out twice a day for three months and didn't lose a single pound. And I'm like, What is going on here? This is not right. And that's not long after that I on NLP and had a breakthrough session with Rebecca and come to find out, you know my breakfast session was hurt with her was I can't lose weight no matter what I do I can't lose weight. Well it came down to that was just a symptom of I felt unworthy of love, I have to be perfect to be loved and filling it with food. That and I didn't even realize I was doing this I would eat every meal I would eat so much I would eat I almost puked in not even realizing I'm not full until I want I'm almost puking. Because I want to fill that void inside. I'm not loving, or being loved or not even loving myself with food, I had my breakthrough session with her. And within two months, I think it was two or three months, I can't remember, I lost 16 pounds. Wow, I say, you know, just by releasing that unconscious belief, I no longer need food to fill the void inside me. Even the realization of knowing that's what you're doing is huge. Bringing the unconscious to the conscious and bringing awareness to it. Everything we do all day long, 95% of our actions are habitual, they're unconsciously done. So unconsciously eating to the point of puking at every meal. And then realizing Wait a minute, this isn't how you're supposed to feel after you eat. It's just it's so crazy to me that changing that one little habit of negative self talk released so much stress and tension and emotion from your body that you were able to drop weight like that. Yeah, we're just our bodies are programmed to keep us safe. And to keep us surviving. And making that one little change can be so life changing. Absolutely. You know, I'm still working on the perfectionist part. I thought I had that pretty well lived. But I still feel like you know, there's some lingering fingers of that hanging on but it's not just even people who have been abused is everybody has these unconscious beliefs that are running the program, that you don't even realize they're sabotaging you. And they're not even your beliefs. They are things that have been installed in you by your parents, your grandparents, your teachers, your pastors, your preachers, the government, the police, you know, whoever have people of authority, that at the time may have been okay, if whatever feeling you attached to that, at the time, became an unconscious belief and is still running in the background. And it may no longer be serving you. But it's stopping you from living your life the way you want to live it. I talk to these ladies all the time, who are still in narcissistic relationships and are I don't know that I can leave, I want to go back, I missed them. And just even some of them. They're saying, I'm to the point I'm done, I want to take my life. And I'm just like, I feel for them so deeply that I just want to reach out and tell them no, you're just we all we have to do is change a couple beliefs in you it is so easy. And that's the thing with NLP is you don't have to relive all of the stuff that you've been through to change those beliefs. You don't have to sit in a counselor's office and rehash every incident and replay everything in your mind to get past it and heal from it. Absolutely, exactly. I told my mentors, this is something this is something I have been looking my entire life. I've been looking for this, I never never knew what it was. It blew my mind. There are some things you have to do when you do coaching with NLP, that can be really difficult. But the difficulty is there to help you change the unconscious belief and release it. We make it for you to do your unconscious belief more difficult, so that it's easier to release it. If that makes sense. Do you put in the work, you put in the effort so that like the reward is greater than the risk? If that makes sense?

Right? The behavior becomes so much more difficult with the tasking that we give you in NLP, that you no longer want to do that behavior. So it changes into something else and it's usually install a more positive better belief for you. And it's easier for you to do that belief. That's incorrect. So as long as you're willing to do that work and get that new positive belief, then there's no stopping you. You're basically just reprogramming your brain to stop believing the crap and the nasty things and the negative messages that we're being told by our abusers, and in our past by other people, you're just rewriting them, it stinks, because you have to try and remember all the horrible things that they've said to you. But once you remember them all, you can rewrite them. And I just think that's awesome. And you're you're healthier, and happier and live lighter. And that heaviness on your shoulders and in your chest just isn't there anymore. Totally free. Absolutely. I know, it's been a life changer for me. Even with my massage therapy, business, releasing all of that negative self talk and unconscious beliefs, my massage therapy business is taking off again. Oh, yeah, I've reached a new, a new height with that, when I first started, I've been on my private practice on my own for five years. And for the first two or three years, I have never been able to get booked out beyond a certain point, and then things start to wane off a little bit. It's that whole self sabotaging thing, you know, I get to a point where I believe I can't do any better than that. I did my breakthrough session I releasing a lot of that stuff. In one of one of the the limiting beliefs I had from the abuse is, if you can't see me, you can't humiliate me. So you can't abuse me. So unconsciously I was doing things so people couldn't see me. So I only had a certain amount of people who were coming to my business or could see my business. So my business plateaued at a certain way, releasing all of those negative beliefs in self sabotaging behaviors. Within two weeks, my business became booked out four weeks in advance. Hey, congrats. That's awesome. Thank you. It's like, how can that happen? How does that work? In you stop doing the things. It I don't even know what they were, but just stop doing the things that were holding me back from other people seeing who I am in my work in it seeing my business in a cassette, all it took was two weeks. And it just I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. This is all you know, I spent half my life in abusive relationships, in feeling shitty and crappy about myself. And in nobody loves me in for six years of my life thinking my parents were the worst people on Earth in they can't believe they raised me the way they did. And you know, oh my God, my sisters are so bad. And knowing that his belief of trying to whatever his belief was was trying, you know, his narcissistic behavior of isolating me to try to control me, and letting him do that. Installing those negative beliefs. In hindsight, you can heal from this, you can have whatever you want, you can be whoever you are, and whoever you want to be. It is okay. And if people who don't agree with you, or accept you for who you are and who you want to be, and it's okay to walk away from them. There are more people in the world to associate with it having your tribe.

Yes. It's true is everything you said is true. I agree. 100%. It's so hard to see it when you're in it, like you had said earlier. But when you're out of you're like, oh my god, I can't believe I let this person get away with all of that. I mean, when you were telling your story about your high school sweetheart, it really sent me back to my my first abusive relationship. A lot of the things were the same, you know, he started off great and thoughtful and charming, and then it just like snap changed. And then it was the demeaning and but when I was there, all I could think about was, I know him I know deep down and and he's charming and kind and considerate. But he's not he was showing me his true colors hiding in plain sight, and so was yours, you know, and so to all narcissists, first they hook us and then they show their true colors. But there are like, but like you said that there are people out there who will love you and accept you for who you are and encourage you not to sacrifice yourself for somebody else. So you're in a healthy relationship now, which is incredible, and you deserve it. So portugu Can you tell us a little bit about how it feels? Does it feel different? Yeah. Wow. To be able to have a conversation about Something that you disagree about it actually an actual adult conversation. There's no yelling, there's no swearing, there's no name calling, coming to a peaceful resolution in just a conversation. The first time that happened, I'm just like, wow, that's real, we can do that. It's a foreign concept, you know? Just absolutely having the ability to laugh at him in at myself and us in the amount of laughter in the house has been so great. I mean, I truly believe laughter is the best medicine for 23 years, there wasn't much laughter. And everything was so serious and everything was so. So dull. Seeing everything with a brighter view, I guess, a brighter vision, a brighter lens, enjoying life, again, experiencing life again, experiencing what it really feels like to be loved, and not have to change myself. To think I'm being loved. He accepts all my flaws. I accept his in. It's okay. Good. I'm so happy that you found that, you know, it's amazing. I'm sure it feels extra amazing. Having endured what you endured for so long. And finally having somebody to come home to that's just easy. It is in the support in the uplifting in when I chose to open my business, he was off for it. And he was right there looking for places in spaces with the painting walls and putting up trim. And you know, just being able to depend on him is huge. Because Exner number two, I couldn't ask him to do anything because he would tell me no, or would never follow through. And I always have to figure out how to get these things done on my own. And if I have to hire contractors to come in here and do all this stuff, I don't know that. He's like, Yeah, I can help you to be want me to pay, you know, do it because I love you. And I don't have to beg him to come to my family functions. Let's just go visit. Okay. Ex narc. Number one the day my sister got married, he showed up at the church and says I don't feel good. I'm going home and bailed out MST on my sister's wedding. It's just stuff like that we both have. We have plans for two weeks in the day. And I'm not going mean I go to visitation and then have to go and make excuses. Right? in not having to do that now. And having him be the one to say visit your mom. Yeah, all those things.

[INTRO]

Can you heal from abuse? What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute, over 28,800 people every day. And the sad fact is, we still don't talk about it enough. Healing from emotional abuse isn't a band-aid situation, but it doesn't have to take years either. The lives of millions of other survivors around the world have been impacted by their narcissist, yours doesn't have to. To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and founder of the Healing from Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F Cohen.

MARISSA: Overcoming narcissism and healing from emotional abuse are so important to your mental health and to living a life filled with freedom, confidence and peace. Today, we're going to be talking to Patrick Monet, who is a Trauma Informed Therapist, EMDR Therapist, and he's just hilarious. But before we start, I want to brainstorm ways that I can help ease your healing journey. Imagine you're standing on a cliff and on the other side of a deep, deep canyon is a life that you dream of. A partner who connects with you, supports you and empowers you, someone who makes you smile and laugh a life filled with freedom, confidence and peace. I have been where you are now, standing on the edge, dreaming of that life. And I've built the bridge between where you are now and that dream that seems so far away. Let me walk you across the bridge and literally hand you the life of your dreams. It's possible! I've walked this path with 1000s of survivors before who were in your place who now live a free, confident and peaceful life. Let's walk this path together. Don't waste any more time feeling lonely, worthless or exhausted. It's not worth it and you deserve to live a happy life. Schedule a call with me today at scheduleacallwithmarissa.com.

Welcome back to healing from emotional abuse. Today we have an awesome guest and we've been vibing for the past 10 minutes just chatting about Jewish guilt and Catholic guilt and being silly. So today we have Patrick Monette. He's a licensed mental health, addiction and certified trauma counselor, located in northern New York. He's also a certified EMDR Therapist and EMDRIA Approved Consultant and trained couples counselor. He's got a great resume. His work focuses on helping people learn healthy coping skills and resourcing as part of their trauma treatment. He has taught at local universities and maintains a private practice focusing on couples work and trauma informed treatment, as well as gender issues, anger management and co-occurring disorders. He's actively engaged in a local community drug court system as a mental health consultant and educator. Patrick is fluent in English and Spanish and offers treatment in both languages. Welcome on Patrick. Jeez your work is great.

PATRICK: Thanks Marissa, I sound so fancy. So it's so nice, thank you. I'm so honored to be on your show and to connect with you. And I can't think of a better way to end a crazy week and then hanging out together. So I'm super excited to be here.

MARISSA: Thank you, I feel the exact same way. So would you mind outside of your intro just like telling us a little bit about yourself, what you do, what you enjoy...

PATRICK: So you know, as I was saying, it's like I'm pretty low key. So I'm in private practice. I'm a mental health counselor. And I love working with a variety of people. In my private practice, especially with COVID my practice is completely online. So I've been able to modify all that where I do individual therapy, group therapy. And I also started offering online couple retreats, which has been really powerful, which I really love. So EMDR is a trauma informed treatment, so I also work with that. I assistant in trainings and I also do a lot of consultation for people who are learning EMDR, which I just love as well. So it's a really nice blend of different professional experiences.

MARISSA: That's awesome. So I have heard so many positive things about EMDR therapy, and how it's helped sexual assault and domestic violence survivors. Would you mind just giving us like the very basic about what EMDR is?

PATRICK: Sure. So EMDR stands for Eye Movement De-sensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, which is a mouthful. It was created in the 80s by Dr. Francine Shapiro. And the basic version that I can say is that it helps to identify targets or issues that you've been struggling with whether it's specific trauma or disturbing events or upsetting events, that gets stuck in certain parts of your brain. And with EMDR interventions, we're able to help the brain communicate more efficiently to be able to take those disturbing events and make them more adaptive, so they're not causing you so much pain and harm. So you can be, I don't want to say move on, but so they're not harming you and as painful as they once were.

MARISSA: Wow, that's really awesome. I'm still not entirely understanding of like the intricacies of that.

PATRICK: So basically what happens is, for example, when you go about your regular day, and then you go home, and you rest, and you go into your REM sleep, your deep sleep, your brain is able to process everything that's happened during that day. So when you get up in the next day, you're like, okay, I had breakfast, we did this, we chatted, and then there isn't any distress really. When something traumatic happens, the brain cannot process it, it's almost like too big. If you think of it like a conveyor belt, that memory, that event is too big to go down into the other parts. So it gets lodged. And then it gets stuck on that part of the brain, which then leads into a whole bunch of other issues of, you know, when we're talking about PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares, other anxiety, depression. That's why a lot of people when they can't, quote-unquote, move past a trauma, they either develop anxiety, depression, I see a lot of people who develop addiction related issues, because they're trying to eradicate the pain.

MARISSA: That makes a lot more sense. Honestly, thinking about it as like a survivor, I feel like the most common immediate response is if I just stopped thinking about it, it'll go away. I want this to go away...

PATRICK: If I wash it away. 

MARISSA: Time will make it go away, because that's not true. And so EMDR therapy breaks that down, and like allows your brain to process it. That is super cool.

PATRICK: So if you think of it, the trauma is like a giant iceberg in your brain, and then by doing what we call bilateral stimulation, which is a really natural intervention, it melts down that iceberg, and then it can go into the channel into your brain, where it doesn't make the event get erased, but you can move on with your life without being harpooned back to that pain anytime you might be potentially triggered or reminded of that event.

MARISSA: How long does it take generally, for somebody who has experienced severe domestic violence or sexual assault, to really be able to move forward using EMDR?

PATRICK: That's a great question. And it's really case by case because it depends on the severity of the attack, of the abuse, of the violence. Every person that I work with, when we say we're trauma informed care, that is, for me, it means we're taking this slow. Not because I want you to be in pain longer, but because safety has been bastardized in your life. We want to look at security, we want to do the safe and sound in the way of let's figure out what you are able to address, and what you actually need to work on. Because everyone needs different things. Sometimes it's guilt, anger, shame, it might be different aspects of their lives that are affected by the trauma. I just take my time to really see, build that strong therapeutic relationship with clients to see what is it that you actually want to work on? And let me see what I can do to support you on that. Now, when you get into the EMDR therapy itself, it's really a case by case scenario of everyone's individual brain processing. Of how how much EMDR they might need, how much time they need to process it. In addition to what I see is, are they still in the relationship? Are they still in a situation? Which is very different compared to if they're out, that freedom, it's all of those, if their basic needs are being met. So I kind of look at all these different components when I'm meeting with someone.

MARISSA: That makes a lot of sense. So in my mind, I saw it as a resource for after people leave, but people who are still in abusive relationships, they come and work with you too? 

PATRICK: Yes, yes. 

MARISSA: Do you know like, how it affects them? Or if doing EMDR has encouraged people to leave faster? Have you gotten that kind of response? 

PATRICK: See, I think a lot of times, and I'm sure you've seen this with your own experiences and other people is there's that expectation sometimes that people when they're in those situations of just leave, turn it off. If it was that easy, it would be. But there's that deep emotional and psychological component going on when you're in those abusive and destructive situations. A lot of times what I've noticed with my people is when we're doing EMDR it's kind of like they're going through a snowstorm and we're giving them some additional support to get clarity. So when you're doing some other trauma informed care treatments, you have to talk about the trauma and you desensitize, you decrease the trauma. But with EMDR, you don't actually have to talk about it as much. You identify what the target is, what the problem is, and it's more about this beautiful journey of what do you believe about yourself? So, for example, when someone stays in that relationship, I'd say, so when you think of this abusive relationship, what is the negative belief that you're telling yourself? And being able to look at the negative beliefs, and help the clients just sort of build a little bit more resilience and clarity into what's going on. Because when you're in those situations, there's usually such a high level of psychological damage going on, that you don't even know who you are sometimes.

MARISSA: That is so true. And that's something that I also identify in my coaching is that you lose yourself in abuse, because they program you to feel differently than you might actually feel and take away the aspects of your life and of your identity, that might be very personal to you. Wow, that's really, really cool. I'm so happy that that exists, and that that's getting more clout, and more attention now. 

So let's get off the EMDR topic, although I could talk about this with you all day, because I think it's awesome. We were having a separate conversation before we started about guilt, and how guilt in different religions plays a role in just how people interact. But specifically what I want to talk about, because you come from a Catholic upbringing, is how Christianity and how Catholicism view abuse, and the guilt of staying in an abusive situation.

PATRICK: It's so hard because most of us grew up to believe, you know, if we grew up in a belief system, that that's supposed to be our protection. That that's where we're supposed to be safe. But the more [audio break 12:02] there is, and a lot of these situations, and how that division of power is used. We're in a religious system.

MARISSA: That makes sense. And I can speak from Judaism. I'm not Hasidic or religious really, but in very Hasidic communities, which Catholicism in my opinion is like a more religious aspect of Christianity, and I could be very incorrect, so please correct me if I'm wrong. But in Hasidic communities, they don't go outside of their community at all. Everybody takes their questions and their problems to the Rabbi, to the head Rabbi, he's the person in charge. So in domestic violence in Hasidic communities, the Rabbi is the one who gets to say, well, what are you doing to anger your husband? Or what are you doing wrong? You, the wife, generally, are the peacemaker in the household and so you need to be the one fixing the problem.

PATRICK: I don't want to generalize, I can only speak to my experience in certain things. I grew up where about sinning and when you make that vow in the Catholic Church, it's forever and all these different things. But I've also seen where there's that abusive thing of, you're going to disappoint God by ending this marriage or by leaving it, or look at the damage, it's a lot of victim blaming. 

MARISSA: That's a good way to put it. 

PATRICK: And that shame, I mean, not even talking about guilt, let's latch on to that shame of you're letting God down. You put that on top of someone who's being abused in every aspect of abuse that there is, and it's such a deadly cocktail. I've also seen people, amazing advocates in the Catholic Church. It's hard because during the last few years if we're going to keep it real, the coming to light about all the abuse in the Catholic Church towards children. So it's really like a mushroom of different issues right?

MARISSA: Yeah. I mean, I definitely see your point. I mean, it's a person by person conversation. So there are some rabbis who'd be like, get out. And there are some rabbits would be like, no, you stay, this is your problem. And I'm sure it's the same thing with priests and pastors and everybody, it's a very person by person basis.

PATRICK: What I have seen in some experiences with clients is sometimes they get into those situations where they are blamed. You're not praying hard enough, you're not doing this. And I'm a person of faith, I love God. It's a huge part of my -- I don't identify as Catholic. I'm more spiritual, but there is a place for prayer and there's a place for action and therapy. 

MARISSA: Yes.

PATRICK: And I think they can dance really well, too. I mean, in my life they have, but in other people, it's hard because there's such abuse in the spiritual world and or in the religious world. I always go to is like, if this doesn't feel right, it's probably not right for me.

MARISSA: That's a good way to look at it. And I think that a lot of religion is kind of just how you consume it and how you process it. Because there's different sects of every religion that read the same texts, but just observe differently. And so when it comes to trauma, and it comes to domestic violence, because it's a private issue, people don't really know how to handle it. So a lot of people turn to religion. I guess my biggest concern with that is because the text is susceptible to being --  like you can read it and understand it a different way.

PATRICK: The interpretation, and it's usually not in favor of women or anyone that's not  a like white male. In my experiences, I could be wrong of the view, but it's...

MARISSA: I tend to agree with that.

PATRICK: It's like come on, we got to keep it real. Things have to evolve. And one of the things is, whether it's religion or not, is that shame and the secrecy that is so damaging to people who are experiencing violence and abuse.

MARISSA: And then if you if you interpret the text in a way that in order for you to leave, your partner needs to have cheated on you or asked for a divorce. That's so limiting, because in my opinion, and I could be wrong, but I don't think God or Jesus or Allah, like anyone, I don't think that being wants you to be unhappy or in a dangerous position. And so by looking at the text and saying point blank, no, you can't leave until that person asks to leave or until that person leaves, that's so dangerous.

PATRICK: Right. And it also takes away freewill choice, which that's part of the human experience.

MARISSA: Right. But I think that the religion, like when people interpret it that way, it consumes their whole life and they're not able to act on freewill...

PATRICK: Agreed, that they're supposed to sacrifice for the greater good in a way. Even though that version of the greater good may not be accurate or really true or loving.

MARISSA: Right, absolutely. So let's go back to your professional experience, you don't just do EMDR, you also do Addiction Therapy and Trauma Informed Therapies and stuff like that. So how often do you see like an overlap in other areas that probably stemmed from abuse or sexual assault, especially with addiction?

PATRICK: I would say, if I even like made it a little bit broader, if we just put in terms of trauma in general, I would say, probably like 98% of people that come in my door have some aspect of trauma.

MARISSA: Wow!

PATRICK: I think when we classify trauma it used to be 9-11, it used to be Vets. It used to be very specific populations. But the word trauma actually means a wound. So if you changed trauma for wound, how many people do we know that are wounded? 

MARISSA: Everybody. Everybody has experiences that shaped them.

PATRICK: From COVID, to sexual assaults, a physical assault, to addiction to a million different things, to losing a job, to losing a child, to losing a relationship. And I think when you're doing trauma informed care, you have that broad view of this person has strength, they have resilience, because they've survived but there's some injuries, there's some wounds there, and maybe I can help them find ways to mend it and to move forward in a healthier way.

MARISSA: If there was one thing like one routine change, or one small activity that people could add to their daily routines that might alleviate some of that, do you have any like recommendations? Or do you have like any ideas of maybe something that you've done with other people?

PATRICK: This is going to sound funny, but I have clients ask them what they're feeling. Because how many of us are disconnected from our emotions? And if I don't have a relationship with my emotions, I'm probably not going to get very far. 

MARISSA: That's very fair. 

PATRICK: So it's just a check in throughout the day of how am I feeling right now? How am I feeling? And not having to necessarily do anything, but to develop our awareness. Because when we don't deal with our emotions, when we don't have a healthy relationship with them, it's sort of like building a house on top of swamp land, it's probably not going to go very well.

MARISSA: That makes so much sense. Just like becoming more self aware allows us to recognize and work through something that we need to process in that moment.

PATRICK: Right. And it sounds simple, like oh, that's not really profound. But if we put it through the lens of someone who's gone through something traumatic, a lot of times people, all of their energy is to avoid all the emotions. Because it's not safe. It's painful. It's scary. Like you said, you just want to forget it. So you want me to talk about my feelings, that could be opening up a barrel of monkeys, that's really dangerous.

MARISSA: I think that that's something that's a really important thing to do is be able to check in. But what do you recommend starting doing that while in a therapy session, or with somebody who's licensed who might be able to help somebody through it? Because I know that right after my abuse, if I was trying to do a check-in, I probably would have like, launched myself off a bridge and I'm not saying that to be funny. Like I would have tried to attempt suicide.

PATRICK: Definitely! And when I'm working with someone, especially with EMDR there are very specific techniques that I teach clients, almost every client, of how to help improve their emotional regulations that -- going back to the brain function, that helped them sort of develop ways to ride those waves of emotion instead of being drowned by them. So definitely reaching out for help, someone that can be there for you that's objective that can give you specific skills to improve your emotional functioning.

[OUTRO]

If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.marisafayecohen.com/private-coaching. That's www.marissafayecohen.com/private-coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made for you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone and hurt and live a free, confident and peaceful life. Don't forget to subscribe to the Healing from Emotional Abuse Podcast and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen and Instagram at Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We'd love to see you there.

[INTRO]

Can you heal from abuse? What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute, over 28,800 people every day. And the sad fact is, we still don't talk about it enough. Healing from emotional abuse isn't a band aid situation, but it doesn't have to take years either. The lives of millions of other survivors around the world have been impacted by their narcissist. Yours doesn't have to. To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and founder of the healing from emotional abuse philosophy, Marissa F Cohen.

MARISSA: Overcoming narcissism and healing from emotional abuse are so important to your mental health and to living a life of freedom, confidence and peace. Today, we're talking to our special guest Lorraine Patterson about self love and healing after abuse. But before we start, I want to brainstorm ways that I can help ease your healing. Imagine you're standing on a cliff. And on the other side of a deep, deep canyon is the life that you dream of. A partner who connects with you, supports you and empowers you, a partner that makes you laugh and smile, a life filled with freedom and confidence and peace. I've been where you are now, standing on the edge, dreaming of that life. And I've built the bridge between where you are now and that dream that seems so far away. Let me walk you across that bridge and literally hand you the life of your dreams. It's possible! I've walked this path with thousands of survivors who live a free, confident and peaceful life. Let's walk this path together. Don't waste any more time feeling lonely, worthless or exhausted. Schedule a call with me today at scheduleacallwithmarissa.com. 

Okay, welcome back to Healing from Emotional Abuse. My name is Marissa F. Cohen and I am joined today with Lorraine Patterson. Lorraine is an incredible survivor who's here today to share her story with us about surviving, her book - Freeing your Heart for Love, and a little bit of insight about how she healed and overcame her abuse. So Lorraine, welcome! Today I'm so happy to have you here. Thank you.

LORRAINE: Yes, thank you Marissa for having me and allowing me to share my story.

MARISSA: Of course. So introduce yourself, tell us a little bit about yourself.

LORRAINE: Yes, so my name is Lorraine, and I am a mother of four boys. Three bonus children and three grandkids, so I'm a grandma. I have a very blessed life. I am married to the love of my life, but it hasn't always been a blessed life. As Marissa explained in my bio, I was at a really young age, I don't remember a lot because I went through a lot of abuse as a child. And so both my parents were both physically and mentally abusive. And so I grew up in that environment of not learning how to love or not even really knowing what love is. And so at the age of 16, I had my first suicidal thoughts. And I didn't know where all of that was coming from. I just knew that I was really sad and that I didn't want to be alive anymore. So I didn't know what to do with those feelings. But what I ended up doing was running away. 

So I ran away with a boyfriend of mine who ended up being my husband, he was my first husband. And I married him at the age of 17. My mom's husband at the time convinced him to marry me when I came back home. And so I ended up marrying him and leaving that chaotic household, thinking that I was going to go into my happily ever after. But what I ended up doing was just going into nine more years of mental and physical abuse. So I married him at the age of 17. I was with him for nine years. And he was, let's say mentally abusive, meaning he would always put me down. We had two beautiful boys. But he was cheating on me all the time. He was an alcoholic. He was arrested for dealing drugs, so he went to prison for three years. So I was left to take care of two small children on my own while running a family business. So that was really hard. I was so young, I was still trying to figure out my life. I was in my 20s, so I was trying to figure out my career. I somehow managed all of that while he was in prison. But it also gave me the strength to finally leave him. So when he went to prison, I felt like I was released from prison because I could never leave him. He had this control over me. And because I married him at such a young age I didn't really have the strength to speak up for anything in that marriage at all. 

And so I finally got away, we divorced but then I still was attracting controlling men. Controlling, unavailable men. I was putting myself in situations that were unloving and disrespectful to myself, my body, my soul, because I didn't know what love was. I was seeking for love outside of myself. And so I was most looking for it in men. So my whole story that I write about in my book is just about going through all of these bad relationships because I met and married a second guy, which wasn't a bad guy. 

But because I was so broken inside, I didn't realize how to be in that relationship. And he also still had that control over me, because my dad was a controlling man. And I didn't realize that until later on that I was attracting how I felt inside, I was attracting those people in my life. And so I married him for about six years, we had two boys. And so I did have two beautiful boys out of that marriage. But that marriage didn't last. And when I divorced him is when I was in my 30s. And that's when I almost took my life. So that suicidal depression never went away from the age of 16, to my 30s. And so I almost took my life, but then I stopped myself, I heard something that night, and I write about it in my book about the experience, because when you're in that dark place of you don't want to be here anymore you just feel different things, you hear different things. And I heard something that night, and I ended up not taking my life and the next day, I got therapy.

And the therapist told me if you take your life, you will break your children. And I didn't want to repeat that cycle of having broken children because I was a broken child. So I just kind of started working towards removing that feeling of being so depressed that my life wasn't worthy enough. And I discovered spirituality, I started practicing positive affirmations. And I started working on myself, but I still wasn't there with the love part. So it still took me probably another gosh, until I turned 42 is when I really woke up. 

And that was in my third marriage, which is what I call my rock bottom relationship. Because that marriage actually broke me, that broke my soul. He had this illicit fantasy where he wanted me to make love in front of him with other men. And I didn't know he had this fantasy until after we married. And so I thought this was going to be a one time thing. But he wanted it all the time, it became this regular thing. And I felt like I needed to stay and do this for him. Because if I didn't do this for him, he would leave me and I would have three failed marriages. So essentially that thought in my head essentially broke me and after six months of being married to him, I couldn't do it anymore. And I woke up one day, well it was the last time we had this encounter. And I just remember looking at myself in the mirror, and it was just a hollow person. I was seeing myself going back to that depressive state that I was in that I said I was never going to go back to. And I started slipping back to that dark place. So finally I just woke up and said, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want this for my life. I deserve a man who loves and respects me. And I just divorced him and I started working on myself. And it still took me a couple more years to learn that lesson that I needed to learn in life, to love myself and discover self love. 

And so that's when I transformed my life, was at the age of 45. And I met my husband who I'm married to now very happily married since 2019. But I couldn't have gotten to where I'm at today if I didn't discover that self love for myself. My heart basically had to break wide open to allow the love that I deserved in. And so I realized that, but it took me 29 years to get to that point in my life.

MARISSA: Thank you for sharing your story. And you brought up so many fascinating points. I just want to talk about all of them. So first and foremost, I don't think people realize, unless you experience it how much your childhood and the relationships that you grow up around, influence and impact the way that you perceive love. So, like you had said, you grew up feeling like emotional and mental abuse were normal. And so that shaped a lot of your relationships. Can you expand on that just a little?

LORRAINE: Yeah. So my parents, I don't remember them hugging me. I don't remember sitting on their lap, when kids are playing I don't remember going to the park. I don't remember a lot of the loving things that my parents used to do with me as a child. And that's all I knew. I thought chaotic life and abuse was normal, because that's what I grew up in. So when I was getting involved with these unavailable men, I kept telling myself, well, this is my life. This is who I am. And that was like my thoughts all the time. So each and every time I would meet somebody it would basically just be for sex. I ended up being just somebody that was like a sexual object. And until I realized my self worth and my value, I didn't get out of that cycle. It was one after the other, after the other, after the other. And every guy, I would just cry because I'm like, why is this happening to me, but it was what I was attracting because of how I felt about myself. I hated myself, I hated my body. I said negative things to myself all the time; that I was a horrible mother, I'm a loser, I'm an idiot. All of those thoughts were in my head. Now I don't say those at all. It's always I am loved, I am enough, I am worthy. And it's all these I can do it. It's more positive statements, instead of those negative statements that we tend to put in our head that really, really messes you up. I mean, it doesn't do you any good for your life at all?

MARISSA: Absolutely, I find that we tend to, just as survivors, we tend to mirror and repeat the negative things that people say to us. And then we do the most damage. Other people can say horrible things to us, and we can kind of let it bounce off. We can build that resilience, but when we're the ones saying it to ourselves, we're really deeply hurting ourselves. I mean, even down to our biology, we're really messing up our brains. So would you mind and I don't know if you're comfortable with this, would you mind sharing some positive affirmations that you use to help build yourself up? Was there anything specific?

LORRAINE: Yeah, so I follow Hay House. Louise Hay, that was the first person that I found with positive affirmations. And she's with Hay House, she discovered Hay House, she passed away. But I still get her calendar, which is sitting on my counter every day, it's just a calendar you can tear off. So a lot of her stuff is self love affirmations. And so I started practicing self love affirmations where I put it in my bathroom mirror so that when I go brush my teeth, I'm reading it every single day or I get like deck of cards through Gabby Bernstein who I adore. And I love Hay House. I say that Hay House saved my life, because discovering Hay House turned my life around for the good. And so you know, there's different things I read. I read unconditional love for myself type affirmations, the universe, I trust in the universe and the process. And so a lot of my affirmations are, the universe has my back, I trust the universe, I trust the process. And it's just a lot of  adding I am in front of statements for me. And I look it up on Pinterest. Pinterest is a huge resource that I love looking at positive affirmations and it's all over my house. Live, love, laugh is something that I repeat constantly. I even have it tattooed on my arm.

MARISSA: Oh I love that.

LORRAINE: I grew up in an abusive home. And so I am the kind of person that needs to remind myself, even today, I'm going to be 49 this year, 16 years old is when I was depressed. But even today, I still have to remind myself that I am worthy. And it's just something that I think is never going to go away. It's just something that I have to work on every single day of my life. Because I can be that person that goes back to that sad place, I just choose not to. 

MARISSA: Good. And I'm glad that you keep making that choice but like you said, it's work every single day. And I also have experienced abuse. And I am also constantly reminding myself. Something that I tell people all the time is to make a list of three things that you love about yourself. Even if you can't think of anything, ask somebody that you respect and love, three things about you that they love, put it on your mirror and repeat them to yourself three times a day every day. And I still do that, I've been doing that I don't even know, probably for 11 years, and it has never let me down. But what it does do is it allows me to catch my negative thoughts and say, nope, that's wrong. I'm not going to say that again. It makes you more self aware I think.

LORRAINE: Yeah, my first husband, he did a lot of damage to me. And he used to tell me that my nose was big. So for the longest time, I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I'm like, God is my nose big? I would say that to myself. And now I'm just like, I'm beautiful with my big nose, or without a big nose. I don't care.

MARISSA: Absolutely. And it's not funny, but it's funny that you say that, because I'm of Jewish heritage and we have that stereotype of having really big noses. And so growing up I also had a really big nose and that was like a bullying point for people. So I had this very similar issue. And what I did was I went in knowing that my nose was a part of my heritage and it was part of my family. And so now I can look at myself in the mirror and love myself in photos. And I'm glad that you also found a way to be able to love yourself and not that you don't deserve it. But sometimes words really stick.

LORRAINE: Oh yeah, it stuck with me for a really long time. I mean, all the way through. That was in my 20s when I was with him, but all the way through the 30s. But now I'm totally confident and comfortable in my own skin.

MARISSA: Good because you're beautiful. So tell us about your book Freeing your Heart for Love.

LORRAINE: Yes, my book. So I had talked about writing this book for over a decade with my friends. My friends would always share my story, like what I just shared a part of it with you, and they would always tell me, oh my gosh, you should write a book about your life. Consistently! Or like people would live through my life, because somehow it was so exciting. But they didn't know how sad I was. So I talked about it, I joked about it. And then in April of last year, I joined a virtual writing workshop with this healthcare company that I was working for. And it was just for fun, literally, like just to do writing prompts. But when I started doing the writing prompts, I started crying, because I was writing a lot about my past. And I don't know where this emotion was coming from. And something just told me, I think it's time to write your book. I just started typing in April of last year. And then I just dove into learning how to write a book. So I knew that I wanted to write a book, I knew my passion for writing, it was to inspire others and to help other people who are going through similar struggles. I wanted to share my experiences that way in a book. That's all I knew. And so I dove into like a 7-day writing challenge, I dove into a writer's community, I joined a book program, I got a book coach. And I just started investing my life into this book. And so I finished the manuscript in December of last year, I'm now done with everything completely, and I'm ready to print and I'm releasing in April of this year.

MARISSA: Congratulations! That's an amazing story and an amazing journey.

LORRAINE: Thank you and this is a huge accomplishment for me, because I never read books. I'm not a book reader. So to write a book was like, Oh my God, I wrote a book! I even cried tears of joy, because I can't believe I wrote a book. But it's already reaching so many people. I've been on a lot of podcasts, people are reaching out to me on Instagram that don't know me from all over the world - Iceland, New York, everywhere, London, and they're telling me how much I'm inspiring them. So I know that this book is going to take off because I was ashamed. I was like, I don't know if I want to put this out, this is like my most vulnerable experiences, especially about my third marriage. Nobody knew about this fetish that my husband had, I wasn't going to share it with anyone. But I feel like if there's a woman out there, or even a man, I think it happens to men, that if you don't want this for your life, you don't have to stay. There's a man out there or a woman that loves you unconditionally. You don't need to do this to your body to be loved.

MARISSA: That's an amazing revelation. And I think that it really impacts way more people than we know of, because like you, they're embarrassed to talk about it or felt uncomfortable talking about it. But this kind of thing, and these fetishes, and these preferences that people have that are closeted, can make you feel really bad about yourself, or make you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, and then you're trapped. So I'm really glad that you were able to open up about it and maybe not feel comfortable with it having happened, but feel comfortable sharing that part of your story and your life. And I think that's what makes you so relatable, and so easy to talk to, because you're just so open and confident and willing to share. So thank you so much.

LORRAINE: Just to add on to that is that if people are in that type of relationship, and they're okay with it, then that's okay. But I feel like I wasn't okay with it but I stayed because I was so scared that this guy was going to leave me. And I thought he was the end all, this was it. I wasn't going to have anybody else. I had four kids, I'd been through two marriages, nobody's going to want me. But I got all that out of my head. And I said, you know what, I deserve to be loved completely and respected and valued, because he didn't value me. He didn't respect our marriage. And that's not okay, if that's not what you want for your life.

MARISSA: Absolutely. I was not trying to kink shame. But there's definitely a societal standard, that you get married and that's it. Even now, it's still oh, you got divorced, ooh. But getting divorced twice, there's such a stigma with that. There's nothing wrong with that. We are human and we grow and we change, and so getting divorced and remarried and dating around like, none of that is a problem. We just need to change the way that we perceive it and we need to change the way that society responds to it.

LORRAINE: Yeah, because I mean, I was ashamed to tell people I was married three times. It's like, whoa!. Now you're married four times. I'm like, but I don't care because my husband truly is the man that I'm supposed to be with. I truly truly know that now.

MARISSA: You mind if I ask how you know that? Like what is it about your relationship that makes you know that he's right?

LORRAINE: There's so much so. So a psychic told me I was going to meet him, it's all in my book. She told me, I was going to meet them by the end of 2017, or the beginning of 2018, or I was never going to meet him. And I didn't know how I was going to meet him. But I met him in October of 2017. And he is exactly the person that she said he was going to be. She said, he was going to love you unconditionally. He's going to love your kids like they're his own. I've been with many guys, even past marriages that I was in and nobody loved my kids as much as he does. And so that I knew was the number one reason because the reason why a lot of these relationships didn't work in the past is because they didn't love my children. And if you don't love my children, then you don't love me. My children come with me. I'm not going to give up my kids. And there were thoughts in the back of my head sometimes, which is crazy to even think that that I'm going to choose a guy over my kids, that's not going to work. So that was the number one reason. Number two is that he just takes care of me. I had a surgery that happened before we got married and he stayed by my side the whole time, there hasn't been any man in my life that has supported me that much, or cared for me that much. As well as my book. There's things in my book that he didn't know. And so I had to be open and honest with him and tell him, listen, there's things in my book, I need your support before I start writing this book, otherwise, the book is not going to come out. And he said, no, I support you 100%. And he didn't judge me with these past experiences. And he accepts me for who I am. And so that's how I truly know that he is the man that I'm supposed to be with. Because there hasn't been any other man in my life that has treated me the way he treats me.

MARISSA: That's incredible. Take notes guys. 

LORRAINE: True love does exist. I keep saying that. 

MARISSA: It does. It really does. And don't lower your standards, right? Aim for exactly what you want, because anything less isn't worth it.

LORRAINE: Yeah. And it doesn't matter how old you are. I met him at 45. And there's a lot of women out there, you hear it, you see it on the internet, even on TV. Oh, my clock's ticking. I'm 30, am I going to be single for the rest of my life? Those are all the wrong thoughts. And that's the thoughts I had, until I said at the age of 45. I'm like, you know what, if I don't meet anybody, I'm perfectly fine with that. And that's when my husband came into my life. But it's like, you can't force the outcome. You can dream about your dream man but the universe will bring you what you manifest. You can't force it, like say, Oh, I want that guy. And that guy is going to come to me. It's just doesn't work that way. 

MARISSA: No, I agree. I love that. Thank you. So where can we pre-order your book? Because it comes out in just a month. That's so exciting.

LORRAINE: Yeah, I know. 

MARISSA: You're to be over the moon. 

LORRAINE: I'm so like crying tears of joy. Because it's like, I saw the book cover, the back of it, I just finished the back of it and I'm like, Oh my God, I'm an author. But yeah, it's on pre-order now at freeingyourheartforlove.com, there are bonuses if you preorder it. Entered to win a Kindle, my author Q&A and my first chapter for free, and then the book comes out end of April. So yeah, you can go to my website, freeingyourheartforlove.com, and all my social media handles are on there too.

MARISSA: Awesome. Thank you so much. If you could give survivors one piece of advice, what would it be?

LORRAINE: You know, I would say forgiveness. I didn't realize how much I didn't forgive myself for things that I've done in the past until I wrote this book last year. So I would say forgive yourself, and forgive those that have hurt you in the past. Because it really is freeing to have that feeling of not holding on to that hurt anymore. So that would be the one thing that I learned about myself at the age of 49. I keep saying my age because it's crazy to think how long it took me. And that was the reason why I wrote this book, it's because I want somebody who's younger to not have to wait until their 40s to figure it out. Like you can read my experiences and know that you don't have to go through that.

MARISSA: That's a beautiful message. Thank you so much for all the work you're doing for survivors of abuse and assault and thank you so much for sharing your story with us and with the world. I think that you're going to make a huge impact. So thank you very, very much. 

LORRAINE: Thank you so much.

[OUTRO]

If you enjoyed this podcast you have to check out www.marissafayecohen.com/private-coaching. That's www.marissafayecohen.com/private-coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made for you healing plant to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone and hurt and live a free, confident and peaceful life. Don't forget to subscribe to the Healing from Emotional Abuse Podcast and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen and Instagram at Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We'd love to see you there.