Hell in a Cellphone

After viewing a whole year of WWF pay per views, the boys empty their memory boxes and watch King of the Ring from Providence, Rhode Island. Goldust, who assures you he is 100% straight, takes on Crush. After a series of spellbinding interviews with Jimmy Ross, Mankind begins a stellar program with Hunter Hearst Helmsley in the finals of King of the Ring. For the first time, tag team champions face each other and it’s a hell of a lot of fun watching Stone Cold and HBK battle. And as Faarooq takes on the Undertaker, WWF answers the question “Will there ever be an African American WWF/E Champion?” The answer is no for another 22 years.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

See the Mick Foley interview referenced on this episode:

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In Richmond, Virginia, it’s a show so hot* Bret and the rest of the Hart Foundation scalped front row tickets. Mankind and Rocky Maivia give definitive proof that sometimes the sequel is better in their first pay per view clash. Ahmed Johnson serves up a delicious word salad before attempting to run the gauntlet against the Nation of Domination. Ken Shamrock and Vader beat the ever loving hell out of each other. And two legends meet for the first time as Stone Cold Steve Austin challenges the Undertaker for the WWF Championship. *show may not actually be hot

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

WWF heads to Rochester, New York and steals the lettering from a local Renaissance faire on the way. Anti-Canadian (and British) sentiment starts to heat up as Bulldog and Owen take on the Legion of Doom. Mic work is on display as Faarooq spouts some good lines, Rocky Maivia connects with nobody, and Vader winds up in a Kuwaiti prison. Backstage, Brian Pillman and Sunny enjoy a post-coital moment on the Superstar Line, Ken Shamrock considers a job in tech support and Steve Austin has a rough trip to the bathroom. Mankind takes on the titular 'Taker in not the main event for some reason. And Stone Cold and the Hitman have their worst match yet (but it's still pretty good)

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

It’s WrestleMania, the biggest night of the wrestling calendar, coming to you from (close by) Chicago with a (nearly) sold out crowd of (mostly) paying fans! Dwayne Johnson and Solofa Fatu stage an Anoa’i family reunion. The floodgates open for transphobia towards Chyna. Steve Austin and Bret Hart somehow surpass their Survivor Series match with one of the greatest matches of all time. NoD and LoD bring fire extinguishers, a kitchen sink and possibly numchucks to a street fight. Also, Sycho Sid vs. Undertaker is certainly a match that exists. 

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

Eric and Bobby attempt to guess the results of a 22 year old award show, and the whole gang gives their picks for the best that WWF had to offer in 1997.

Art by Alexis Yavne

6,000 Tennesseans get their canader butts in seats and find their smile in Chattanooga. Jerry Lawler implies justified battery of women and a family member’s place in the after life, the WWF realizes that stables are a good thing, the 9th Wonder of the World makes her shocking debut, and Vader gives his blood for all of our sins.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

It’s a supersized, double episode of Hell in a Cellphone! Hometown hero Shawn Michaels and Taco Bell invite you to San Antonio for the yearly Royal Rumble. We argue 1997 awful vs WWF awful in Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s continuing saga with Goldust, Ahmed Johnson has a hungry butt, and a future hall of famer gets his first Rumble victory . . . kind of.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

It’s a supersized, double episode of Hell in a Cellphone! Hometown hero Shawn Michaels and Taco Bell invite you to San Antonio for the yearly Royal Rumble. We argue 1997 awful vs WWF awful in Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s continuing saga with Goldust, Ahmed Johnson has a hungry butt, and a future hall of famer gets his first Rumble victory . . . kind of.

Theme Song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

In West Palm Beach, Florida, WWF broke all the rules. Or made new rules? Either way, I put more thought in this description than they put into booking this whole show. Ahmed Johnson shares his trials and tribulations, someone gets thrown in a moat, and Bret Hart takes steps toward heeldom.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

Before Vince tried to pass off East Rutherford, New Jersey as New York City, the WWF took over Madison Square Garden for Survivor Series. The Undertaker is reborn as Batman with a prison tattoo, Steve Austin visits his injured friend Brian Pillman on Raw before putting on a classic with Bret Hart, and Sycho Sid shows off his love of AV equipment in a match against Shawn Michaels. Oh, and some new kid named Rocky Maivia makes his debut.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne