Hell in a Cellphone

The WWF heads to…well…Texas, in this mouthful of a name pay per view. Marc Mero shows a deeper allegiance to Marilyndust and Luna than his wife. Pantera looks like he made his costume himself 20 minutes before his light heavyweight championship match against Take Michinoku. Do not watch the Quebeccers vs. the Godwinns. Luckily, it’s followed by…oh god, Justin Bradsahw vs. Jeff Jarrett. Ahmed Johnson and the Rock are on opposite ends of the spectrum in a hodgepodge of wrestlers vs. the Nation of Domination. Vader gives us one more dope as he is cast into jobber hell by the powers that be in WWF. And Steve Austin and friends take on Triple H, The New Age Outlaws and *checks notes* Savio Vega?

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

With Mike Tyson in attendance, the road to WrestleMania XIV starts in San Jose, California. Vader takes Luna for a ride in his fight against TAFKA Goldust. The Minis put on their least interesting match to date. Criminology major the Rock puts his “planting the evidence” lessons to work against Ken Shamrock. Road Dogg’s hair extensions and Animal’s…Animal-ness play a game of who’s more crazy. The 3 faces of Foley and the breakdown of the Nation, are the big story lines in Austin’s back to back Rumble victory. And it’s a hot time for the Undertaker in a casket match with Shawn Michaels.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

Winner of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s truck Mildred Bowers

Strap in for the last pay-per-view of 1997 from Springfield, Massachusettes. Taka Michinoku and “Too Sexy” Brian Christopher start off the night competently. Then the Boriquas decide to rap a new entrance theme. Marc Mero and Butterbean answer the question, “What’s more boring than boxing?” with the answer, “Fake boxing.” It’s story time from TAFKA Goldust and the estate of Theodor Seuss Geisel has not been called. Road Warrior Hawk has quite a booger on his hands. Sergeant Slaughter has lost his mind. The less said about Jeff Jarrett and the Undertaker the better. Oh wait! We also have the first pay-per-view meeting between the Rock and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin? Finally, Eric predicts the finish of Ken Shamrock vs. Shawn Michaels 20 years later. Two and a half hours? On this? Thank god we’re pretty.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

From Montreal, it’s a pivotal moment in wrestling history preceded by a whole bunch of filler. Is there any more to say about this pay per view? Probably not. But we try for over two hours. The Godwinns and (soon to be) New Age Outlaws face the New Blackjacks and the Head Bangers and the match is over before you can figure out the allegiances. The Disciples of Apocalypse take on the Truth Commission, who has traded in the Commandant for the Jackyl. An embattled Team USA take on a Team Canada that features exactly one Canadian. Mankind battles Kane and his powers over the lighting rig. The Nation of Domination feuds with every faction in the lead up, but none of them on the pay per view. Steve Austin looks for revenge against Owen Hart. And finally Shawn Michaels challenges Bret Hart for the WWF Championship, and it all ends in some kind of Quebecois Cheat-Business.Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

This podcast’s namesake match is the star attraction, as the WWF takes to St. Louis, Missouri, a city ripe with wrestling history. The creative team fumbles with tragedy after the same-day death of Brian Pillman and several matches are thrown together as a result. The Nation of Domination battle the Legion of Doom in a handicap match, while the Head Bangers and the Godwinns battle for who is more disgusting. The gang discusses why tournaments are good and Austin is great as the Intercontinental Title tournament ends with a bang and a whimper. Team USA and Team Canada answer the question, “What if a flag match didn’t involve flags?” And Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker achieve perfection inside and outside Hell in a Cell. All this, PLUS, Aaron and Eric settle the question of who makes a better bloody mary. CW: While reviewing the Brian Pillman/Marlena angle that led up to this pay-per-view, rape is discussed.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

Aaron’s Recipe:

Fill a highball glass with ice. Shake in celery salt. Add a two dashes of Worcestershire sauce. Add several dashes of Tobasco, to personal taste. One shot or more of GIN, and fill the rest with Clamato. Squeeze in a lime wedge and stir. Let sit for a few minutes to chill.

Eric’s Recipe:

Rim a mason jar with Tajín seasoning. In a shaker mix a shot, maybe a shot and a half, of vodka (just pour for like 5 seconds), tomato juice, celery salt, celery bitters, Worcestershire sauce, Chipotle Tabasco, white horseradish, and Peter Luger’s steak sauce and ice. Shake well and pour. On a skewer, place bacon, a cornichon and a pickled quail egg, and garnish.

Before Saudi Arabia, the WWF headed to Birmingham, England for a glorified house show, and it takes us a pack of spiked seltzer and several shots of vodka to get through it. Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Dude Love present a by the numbers match. Tiger Ali Singh cuts a face promo that calls into question if he has any idea what a face is. Los Boriquas and the Head Bangers put together a surprisingly fun, logical match. Flash Funk and the Patriot fart. Hawk lets loose more beautiful nonsense. Vader and Owen show just how good they are and recast their match on the fly. Bret “Hitman” Hart and Undertaker go for close to 30 minutes and undo all the awesome they put together in a heartbeat. And home-country hero and possible puppet enthusiast Davey Boy Smith takes on the hated Shawn Michaels for the European Championship in the only match that actually matters.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

The WWF is in Louisville Kentucky for the first non numbered In Your House, and it only takes us 27 minutes to start talking about it. Proud southern traditions are on display as Brian Pillman challenges Goldust for the right to take the Bizarre One’s wife Marlena as an “assistant” for a month. Scott Putski suffers a gruesome injury and the wrath of our Polish jokes. Rocky Maivia shows signs of who he will become, while a triple threat match shows signs of flaming hot garbage. The Legion of Doom might be speaking English before a new tag team champion is crowned. The Patriot gets a title shot despite a stunning lack of charisma. And the Undertaker takes on a bunch of degenerates before taking flight.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

Governor Christine Todd Whitman welcomes you to a New Jersey parking lot beach party for SummerSlam 1997. Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Mankind show new dimensions in our first steel cage match. Brian Pillman battles Goldust for his right to not wear a dress. The Godwinns face the Legion of Doom, a team of faces that unrepentantly broke an opponent’s neck. A casket full of a million dollars leads to an infamously bad segment. The British Bulldog wants to make sure it’s Ken Shamrock that eats dog food. And fallen hero Bret Hart takes on WWF Champion The Undertaker with Shawn Michaels as special guest referee. What could go wrong?

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

A masked man has perpetrated a heinous attack on host Aaron Benoit! Can co-hosts Eric Silver and Bobby Hankinson form a tag-team to help their fallen brother? Uncover the twisted history of Hell In A Cellphone with this SPECIAL BONUS journey back in time to save Aaron's mind. Whether you're a first-time listener or a long-time mark, soak up the kayfabe and relive some our favorite moments.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne

Saddle up your horses and put on your comically over-sized cowboy hat, because it’s rodeo time! Aggression between the United States and our neighbors to the north was at an all time high as the WWF headed to the Calgary Stampede in Alberta, Canada for the last numbered In Your House and the last pay-per-view under two hours. Mankind and Hunter Hearst Helmsley fought so hard that no ring could hold them. Taka Michinoku and the Great Sasuke brought a new style of wrestling to the WWF. Paul Bearer teases secrets from the Undertaker’s past, setting up a distraction for the champ as he attempted to topple Vader. And Steve Austin led a rag-tag group of weirdos to take on basically everyone home town hero Bret Hart has ever met.

Theme song “There Are Traitors in Our Midst” by Disco Vietnam

Art by Alexis Yavne