I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship

By Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services (DASAS)Society & Culture Health & Fitness Mental Health Education Self-Improvement Personal Journals

I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship episodes

April 01, 2020 Survivor Story - Hannah's Story for Sexual Assault Awareness Month
Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2020 begins with a Survivor Story. Hannah submitted her story to Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services and approved a reading of the story. Producer Dan Moyle reads the account. Interim Executive Director (who is also our Director of Advocacy Services) Deborah Hackworth and Sexual Assault Therapist Krista DeBoer discuss the story to help us find hope and insight.
Hannah's Story:
Did he always intend to go that far? Why me? Was I an easy target? Is it my fault? These questions no longer haunt me, but they still exist.
I was a 13 year old girl in seventh grade just trying to survive mean girls, figuring out my body, and thinking about boys. The usual 13 year old girl stuff. I remember feeling innocent amongst my friends. They all had siblings a few years older so they were all well versed in things 13 year olds should not be talking about. But there I was an insider yet still somehow an outsider. Seventh grade was going as normal as seventh grade could go until my friends cousin started to take notice of me. I was 13 and he was 19. He was a senior in high school and talked to his cousin at least once a week at school. I was with her the last time they had spoken in the halls and from that point on he acknowledged me.
It started with a quick hello or a wink as I walked by. I was 13 and a boy was being kind to me, I was flattered. He started to come into my classroom as the teacher’s assistant. His behavior became more flirtatious, he started hugging me and touching my arm or back if we walked by one another. I thought nothing of it other then I cannot believe this cute older guy is being so sweet to me.
I remember sitting in class when one of the guys in the 8 th grade came in. He walked right up to me and said, “I was just with BLANK and he said if you were older he would totally F you.” I honestly did not know what to say at that point. I was no longer flattered but my best friend was standing right next to me and bumped my side and smiled at me like I should be excited. It made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t feel like I could say anything. I did think it was weird that he would say that and at that point I had never had sex; I had never done anything. I just moved on from that particular statement and pretended it did not happen plus what was anyone going to do about him saying it?
Things continued on. He continued to come into our gym time after lunch, taking pictures with me, flirting in the halls and so on. The end of the school year was nearing and he was getting ready to graduate. It was my friends birthday and she was having a party at her house. I figured he would be there just because of the family relation and because I might go. I knew my mom would never let me go because this particular friend had zero supervision at her house but I had planned to sneak out. I was honestly sick about the thought of doing that. I was not thinking about the consequences and I truly did not want to but I thought I was missing out on something.
The night came to my friend’s birthday party and of course my mom said no. My friend and I communicated to when and how he could come pick me up for the party. I put my pink princess robe over my clothes and waited until my parents were asleep. I heard him honk as he went by and I knew it was time to sneak out. I got out of the house easily and quickly. Again, I was literally sick. I threw up 3 times that night just because I was so nervous. We got to the party successfully and all I could do was sit there and act as though I was enjoying myself. The party was a party. I found out after getting there not only was this my friend’s birthday but it was also HIS birthday. Why he would want to spend his birthday with a bunch of 13 yr olds is beyond me, well it was until later. Most of our friends left and it was just me, him, and his cousin (my friend). We ended up leaving to go to his friend’s house for a little then coming back. She fell asleep on the couch and I was watching t.v. on the other couch. I could not sleep. I just wanted to go home; I knew I screwed up coming to the party.
He came from the hallway and gestured me to follow him. I was scared and nervous but I got up and followed him into my friend’s bedroom. I honestly did not know what was going to happen. I was 13. Fight, flight, or freeze. I froze. I cried. I did not move. I stared at the ceiling, unable to react to anything. Half way through the rape, tears streaming down my face, he said, “Are you okay?” ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! I KNOW YOU CAN FEEL MY SHAKING BODY AND HEAR ME CRYING, YOU KNOW I AM NOT OKAY!!!! I don’t remember making it back to the couch but I did somehow. I fell asleep and woke up to my parents screaming at me because I had never come home and they figured out I had snuck out to my friend’s. I was grounded forever and they questioned him about why he would ever pick up a 13 yr old girl. They never called the police though. At the time I was glad but now I wish they would have.
After I returned to school everyone knew what happened and then I heard that he had told everyone we had sex. HE TOLD EVERYONE WE HAD SEX. CONSENSUAL SEX. It ruined my reputation. I was called every name in the book and everyone looked at me differently from that moment on.
For the next 7 years. Yes 7 years, I was suicidal, depressed, anxiety ridden, and I went from being a virgin to sleeping around. My ability to say no was taken away from me. I lost my voice. I started letting people walk all over me and using me. I was so angry and I could not express why. I became mean. I entered into a teen dating violence relationship that left me with a broken rib and heart thus creating in me more unhealthy habits. I had the most distorted view of what love was. I had no idea who I was and I didn’t know how to fix anything.
I did find healing, grace, forgiveness, and my voice. My healing started with forgiveness. I forgave him and all those that perpetuated his consensual sex story and I forgave myself. I know that my healing had to start with forgiveness. At some point I had to stop being what happened to me and blaming others for my choices. I had to let it all go so God could piece me back together and help me find my voice in a healthy way. I am still healing and I always will be but it is part of the process. What happened will never un-happen but it does not have to run my life.
I also forgave my parents. A part of me always blamed them because I thought they knew what happened but when I finally told my mom and dad at age 27 I realized through their brokenness that they truly had no idea. I had been holding resentment toward them for 14 years and I was freed from that 7 years after I started my healing process. As I stated before healing is a process.
Something I have to point out in all of this is the grooming. He groomed me from the moment he saw me to the night that it happened. He knew what he was doing and what the outcome would be for him. I used to blame myself for sneaking out that night and I questioned whether or not if he really knew what he had done. He did, he just did not care and it was not my fault. Also, I knew something was not right from the beginning but I ignored it. Even at 13 I knew it was wrong, trust that feeling when you get it. You are most likely right.
Again, please remember that healing is always possible, there is someone out there that cares deeply for you and your scars, and what happened to you is not your fault.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
32 min
March 25, 2020COVID19 Quarantine and Domestic Violence
While much of the world is staying home, domestic violence victims find themselves trapped with their abuser. While COVID19 and the current quarantine won't create abusers, it does exacerbate the potential abuse in domestic violence situations.
If you find yourself in need, call you local shelter or abuse hotline - DASAS is 1-800-828-2023.
Safety planning:
Safety During an Argument
Stay in an area with an exit and avoid letting the other person get between you and the exit.
Practice getting out of your home safely.
Avoid rooms with weapons, such as the kitchen.
Have emergency 911 phones hidden throughout the home.
Tell trustworthy neighbors about the violence. Ask them to call the police if they hear or see any disturbance.
Devise a code word or signal to use with your children, family, friends, and trustworthy neighbors when you need the police.
Trust your instincts and judgment. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
Safety When Preparing to Leave
Establish your independence. Open savings and credit card accounts in your name only and specifically instruct institutions that your partner is not to have access.
Leave money, extra keys, copies of important documents, extra medicine and clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
Determine safe people you can stay with and plan leaving with.
Review and rehearse your safety plan.
Keep a packed bag at a trusted relative’s or friend’s home.
Plan where you will go if you have to leave.
Safety in Your Own Home
Change the locks on your doors. (Landlords are legally obligated to change locks within 24 hrs if you are experiencing DV).
Install locks on your windows. (Renters check with your landlord first.)
Discuss and practice a safety plan with your children for when you are not with them.
Inform your children’s schools or caregivers who has permission to pick up your children.
Inform neighbors and landlord that your partner no longer lives with you and to call the police if they see him or her near your home.
Safety with a Restraining Order
Keep your protective order on you at all times, and give a copy to a trusted neighbor, friend or family member.
Call the police if your abuser violates the protective order.
Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
Inform family, friends, neighbors and health care providers that you have a restraining order in effect.
Your Safety and Emotional Health
Identify who you can rely on for emotional support and call our Crisis Line at 503-469- 8620 or toll free 1-866- 469-8600.
If you have to communicate with your abuser, determine the safest way to do so and avoid being alone with them.
Advocate for yourself and your needs. Find people and resources you can safely and openly talk to and ask for help. You are not alone, and you do not have to go through this by yourself.
Look into counseling and support groups that directly address your experiences and needs.
Find ways to care for yourself: exercise, make time to relax, create a safe environment, do things you enjoy, get as much support as you can.
Checklist: What You Should Take When You Leave
Legal Papers
Restraining order/stalking order
Lease, rental agreement, house deed
Car registration
Health and life insurance cards
Divorce papers
Custody papers
Other
House and car keys
Medications
Valuables, photos, etc.
Address book
Phone card/safety cell phone
Clothes, blankets, small toys for children
Clothes, hygiene necessities, etc. for yourself
Identification
Driver’s license
Children’s birth certificates
Social security card
Self-sufficiency/disability identification
Papers
Medical records for you and your children
Work permits/green card
VISA
Download a safety plan here.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
24 min
March 18, 2020 What is Human Trafficking?
Rita O'Brien, a DASAS intern working on her Masters Degree in social work at Western Michigan University, joins Claudia to discuss what human trafficking is and how it impacts our community.
Human trafficking involves the use of force, fraud, or coercion to obtain some type of labor or commercial sex act. Every year, millions of men, women, and children are trafficked worldwide – including right here in the United States. It can happen in any community and victims can be any age, race, gender, or nationality. Traffickers might use violence, manipulation, or false promises of well-paying jobs or romantic relationships to lure victims into trafficking situations.
Language barriers, fear of their traffickers, and/or fear of law enforcement frequently keep victims from seeking help, making human trafficking a hidden crime.
To report suspected human trafficking to Federal law enforcement:
1-866-347-2423
To get help from the National Human Trafficking Hotline:
1-888-373-7888 or text HELP or INFO to BeFree (233733)
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
16 min
March 11, 2020 Domestic Violence, the Bible and the Church
Pastor Jamey Smith of Riverside Church in Three Rivers, Michigan survived domestic abuse in his childhood. Today he helps others navigate this traumatic experience as a Pastor. When so many abusers twist scripture and church teachings, it can be a scary thing to approach a Pastor. But Jamey says the Bible is very clear: domestic abuse is not okay.
In this conversation, guest host Dan Moyle and Pastor Jamey Smith take on the ways in which perpetrators of violence twist scripture and unpack what God says about abuse and oppression.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
29 min
March 04, 2020 How Abuse Victims Can Take Their Power Back
Survivors of abuse feel like they've lost their power. The DASAS panel discusses how abuse victims can take that power back.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
16 min
February 26, 2020Ways in Which Abuse Changes You
Claudia Pahls hosts a round table with Deborah Hackworth, Ellen Higgins and Rose Ludwick to discuss some of the ways abuse like domestic violence changes victims and survivors.
Here are some ways in which people can feel like their lives have changed after experiencing abuse and domestic violence and how to go about them:
Feeling easily overwhelmed, anxious irritated or crying without explanation: Places you used to love are now dull or noisy, and people whose company you used to enjoy are now irritating. That’s because after surviving an abusive situation, many people tend to find respite by isolating themselves from the world or the activities that were once meaningful to them. We know that although this might be a temporary fix, being reclusive is not a long-term solution because human beings are social creatures that need interaction with other people. If you notice that you start feeling overwhelmed or anxious around new people or in social situations after experiencing abuse, it may help to practice some self-care: try retreating to a quiet space where you can gather your thoughts and collect yourself. Try techniques such as breathing exercises that can help you calm down or practice some mindfulness! Observing the outside world, acknowledging that you are safe and that the abuse is in the past (where it belongs) can help you feel back to normal and at peace with yourself and with those around you.
Distrusting people in general or being uncomfortable if left alone with someone of the opposite sex: We hear from many of our contacts that after being in an abusive relationship they have a hard time building connections with other people and that trust (or lack thereof) becomes an issue. We’ve also heard from women callers, for example, that tell us how uncomfortable they feel if they find themselves in situations where they are surrounded by just men (think a random elevator stop, strangers sitting in a waiting room or meeting new coworkers or people at a party). If you find yourself being wary of others’ intentions toward you, know that you are not alone and what you feel is a completely normal reaction after surviving trauma. After all, you probably wouldn’t want to experience those feelings ever again! Remember to take it one day at the time. As your heart heals so will your ability to trust others. Don’t forget to be kind and patient with yourself while you become used to learning how to trust again.
Flashbacks of the abuse: Many people who have experienced domestic violence report having flashbacks of the abuse they’ve endured. These flashbacks are triggered by no apparent reason and can feel very vivid and realistic, making the survivor relive the pain experienced from the abusive situation, which can leave you feeling confused, isolated and like there’s something wrong with your head. Flashbacks or recurring memories are a symptom of PTSD, which is a mental and physical reaction to a traumatic event. We know that many survivors of abuse experience Complex PTSD because of the repetitive nature of intimate partner violence. Not all treatments for PTSD work the same for everyone, so you might have to try a few different things to see what works best for you. According to Psychology Today, there are several medical treatments such as medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing to treat PTSD. Other practices such as meditation, yoga, mindfulness, positive affirmations, breathing exercises and maintaining a healthy lifestyle can also do wonders when trying to recover from an abusive relationship.
Ruminating words, thoughts and events: Rumination is when you become fixated over a word, problem or event and play it in a continuous loop over and over in your head. When people ruminate the words said by an abusive partner or replay the mental images about the distress they suffered, they can become agitated, hopeless and depressed—which is a complete disservice to their own healing process. If you feel like ruminating, make sure to stop yourself in your tracks. Go for a walk, call a friend or do an activity that completely interferes with the urge to mentally repeat the offending words or events. It takes practice to stop ruminating, but remember to be patient and gentle with yourself. If you are able to stop ruminating words and problems, you may feel less anxious, worried and more open to healing the wounds left by the abuse and domestic violence.
These are just some of the ways abuse and domestic violence can change a person, and as you can see, many of these changes are rooted in fear. And that is to be expected. Experiencing and surviving abuse can have such a profound impact on a person’s mind, body and soul. But there’s something quite unique about being broken: you are strong, resilient and one of a kind. (source)
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
18 min
February 19, 2020 How Voices to End Violence Helps Teach Healthy Relationships in School
Toriann Lawrence and Dan Moyle discuss the Healthy Relationships program Tori teaches in our schools and the Voices to End Violence campaign Dan helps with, with the goal to fund the program.
Our mission with Voices to End Violence is to help create a world where all men and boys are loving and respectful, and all women and girls are valued and safe.
Donate to Voices to End Violence here
Voices to End Violence is YOU and other concerned men in the community! It was born out of the belief that men have a crucial role to play in the movement to end violence that is impacting our daughters, sisters, mothers, partners and friends. By contributing $100 to this annual campaign, you help raise crucial dollars needed for educational, awareness and prevention initiatives in our communities. As a VOICES contributor, you also are taking a public stand to end sexual assault and domestic/dating violence by agreeing to have your name published annually, in local newspapers.
How You Can Help:
Learn more about the Voices To End Violence Initiative. Add your name to the list of supporters and help end violence by making an annual $100 donation to the cause. Then invite 10 friends to join your VOICE.

Ask your workplace to host a “VOICES Day.” Encourage staff to wear a purple ribbon, put up a purple ribbon display, invite Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services Prevention Educator to come into your work place and explain the dynamics of abuse.
Believe survivors of sexual assault and domestic abuse. Survivors may face questions and collective minimizing from the people they tell. As an initial response, train yourself to believe first. Listen. Provide support.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
12 min
February 12, 2020February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month #TDVAM
Deborah Hackworth, Interim Executive Director, and Toriann Lawrence, Child Advocate at DASAS, explore the origins of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (#TDVAM) and what DASAS does to help teach healthy relationships to young people.
Links:
Love is Respect Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month
Tori's Survivor Story
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
27 min
February 05, 2020 Survivor Story: Jen's Story of Surviving Teen Dating Violence at 15
Jen grew up in a supportive, loving home. And yet at 15 years old, she found herself in an abusive teenage relationship. Hear her story, how she got there, and how she became a survivor.
"Let's say I went to Taco Bell with my friends after sporting event or something and I didn't tell him. Because you know that's just it's not something that crosses your mind to tell your boyfriend that you have to do. He would like very upset with me. And he would just accuse me of cheating on him and he would call me like really, really mean names..."
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
23 min
January 29, 2020Understanding and Addressing Violence Against Women Part 2 - Mental Health Effects
Both physical and sexual violence have been linked to a greater risk of adverse mental health outcomes among women. The most prevalent include depression, suicide attempts, post-traumatic stress disorder, other stress and anxiety disorders, sleeping or eating disorders and psychosomatic disorders. Physical and sexual abuse in childhood have also been associated with a host of subsequent risk behaviors, including early sexual activity; alcohol, tobacco and drug abuse; multiple sexual partners; choosing abusive partners later in life; and lower rates of contraceptive and condom use (21,29). Women who report a history of early sexual abuse often report feelings of worthlessness and difficulty distinguishing sexual from affectionate behavior, maintaining appropriate personal boundaries, and refusing unwanted sexual advances. Studies have consistently linked a history of child sexual abuse with a higher risk of experiencing sexual violence later in life.
The DASAS team takes this subject on in today's episode.
The abuse takes many forms, including:
intimate partner violence (sometimes called domestic or family violence, or spousal abuse) which can be physical, sexual or emotional;
dating violence;
sexual violence (including rape) by strangers, acquaintances or partners;
systematic rape during armed conflict;
forced prostitution, trafficking or other forms of sexual exploitation;
female genital mutilation (FGM) and other harmful traditional practices;
dowry-related violence;
forced marriage or cohabitation, including forced wife inheritance and ‘wife kidnapping’;
femicide and the killing girls or women in the name of ‘honor’;
female infanticide and deliberate neglect of girls.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
23 min

About I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship

From the publisher's feed

A podcast about surviving domestic and sexual violence. Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services explore the hope in what can seem like a hopeless situation. Our goal with “I’m Not in an Abusive Relationship” is to bring you stories of hope to inspire, and conversations with experts to offer insight and advice. The inspiration for the show and the name of the podcast came from a survivor. In her story, she referenced the fact that she didn’t see herself in an abusive relationship. She didn’t think it was “that bad.” Our hope is that anyone in that situation can hear their story in these episodes, find hope and find help. Hosted by Claudia Pahls and Dan Moyle.