Author and parenting coach Maggie Dent shares advice for parents who are wondering what to do when their child only wants them or your co-parent to do things for them.

Does your toddler suddenly prefer your co-parent? It's not you, it's them, says parenting guru Maggie Dent.

She says young children are only capable of holding a complete attachment to one person at a time and it's "quite normal" for toddlers to suddenly decide that only one specific parent will do.

Dent, who has four sons and seven grandchildren, is a former teacher and counsellor, author of numerous books and the host of the ABC podcast Parental as Anything.

"I've got a grandson at the moment who turns two in May. And my poor son, he's just spare because he's now nowhere near good enough, it's all Mummy do it, Mummy do it."

While it's a natural stage of development, dealing with it can be tough, Dent says.

"We're biologically wired to react strongly emotionally to rejection, because we are a social species. So even though it's a little toddler, and you can say in your head, 'they're emotionally immature, they don't have the brain architecture to be able to make really reasoned, logical choices', in the heat of the moment, it hurts so much."

Dent says being aware of what's happening and sharing the parenting load will help stop this preference from becoming an engrained pattern over time. She says creating boundaries and validating the child's emotions are a good first step.

"Every now and then I think we've just got to, you know, be real with our kids... 'I know you would love mummy to do it, but mummy's actually gone to the toilet. Mummy's gone out to do some shopping, mummy is actually having a rest'.

"They will cry and protest. But that's a protest cry. It's not one of the cries that says, 'this is a threat to my survival'. And if you've got a child in that window, you know you're having meltdowns around the colour of a cup. So, it's not a serious thing. It's frustrating and it can be really annoying. However, we really encourage you to keep on stepping in with great joy, lightness and laughter as they gradually get used to the fact that sometimes, here's the other parent and they've done it quite well, too."

Coping with this stage requires perspective and support from your co-parent, Dent says.

"I think what gets frustrating is that the exhausted parent can sometimes lose their joy and delight... as well as the other parent being the excluded one and trying desperately to do everything, and then you end up with a very unhappy household."…

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Advice for parents with children experiencing feeding challenges - when it's more than just "fussy eating". Rebecca Barnard is a Christchurch based Occupational Therapist whose private practice supports children who have a range of complications that impact their ability to eat, try new foods, and enjoy mealtimes. These could be phyiscal, sensory or psychological. How should parents identify they're in challenging territory - what are strategies to resolve feeding challenges, and what help is available?

Advice for parents with children experiencing feeding challenges - when it's more than just "fussy eating".

Rebecca Barnard is a Christchurch based Occupational Therapist whose private practice supports children who have a range of complications that impact their ability to eat, try new foods, and enjoy mealtimes.

These could be phyiscal, sensory or psychological.

How should parents identify they're in challenging territory - what are strategies to resolve feeding challenges, and what help is available?

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Parents can help their teenage children avoid patterns of emotional overreaction, says psychologist Michael Hawton. His new book The Anxiety Coach is a guide for parents on how to help young people manage their emotions and develop resilience.

Parents can guide their teenage children away from patterns of emotional overreaction, says psychologist Michael Hawton.

His new book The Anxiety Coach is a guide for helping young people manage their emotions and develop resilience.

"We need to give kids skills to overcome life's challenges," he tells Kathryn Ryan.

Listen to the interview

Michael Hawton is the founder of Parentshop - a resource hub for parents, educators and child family specialists.

Human brains haven't significantly changed in the last 25 years so today's high levels of adolescent anxiety seem to come from our environment, Hawton tells Kathryn Ryan.

Kids don't get as much sleep as they used to, and often not as much as they need. They're bombarded by information and don't get the "radical downtime" previous generations of children enjoyed.

They're also overusing important words like 'anxious', 'depressed' and 'traumatised' to describe everyday annoyances, he says.

Hawton's wife, who provides learning support at a New South Wales high school, says the first thing out of many teenager's mouths, however minor their challenge, is "I'm anxious".

This is problematic because the words we use to frame adverse or challenging experiences can really shape our experience, Hawton says.

"If you keep using inflammatory words and phrases to describe small events to yourself and other people, eventually that will have an effect - it will affect you in the long term because it becomes a pattern of behaviour."

Some parents find it tricky to put their own protective feelings aside when their child faces a problem, but it's important to do that.

Psychological overprotection - when parents quickly jump in to solve problems because it distresses them to see their child distressed - won't help that child become more resilient, he says.

If a child tells you that they're anxious, be supportive and compassionate and ask solution-based questions to help them think through their situation.

"We need to help kids start scaffolding alternative ways to think about the problem they might be facing. If parents can use those micro-moments... instead of helping the child avoid a problem... they can help the child to wrestle with the difficulties themselves…

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The average Kiwi child first encounters internet porn at 12. To prevent the unsafe and unrealistic sex depicted in porn from being normalised for a child, therapist Jo Robertson recommends parents offer contrasting information a couple of years beforehand.

When should parents start talking to kids about sex - and what do you actually say?

With the average Kiwi child first seeing porn at 12, the old-fashioned idea that one "birds and the bees" talk will suffice as sex education is really problematic, says Auckland sex therapist and porn researcher Jo Robertson.

To prevent the unsafe and unrealistic sex depicted in porn from being normalised for a child, she recommends parents offer contrasting information a couple of years beforehand.

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Listen to Jo Robertson on Nine to Noon

To encourage your child to have a healthy relationship with their own body, it's important to use correct anatomical words such as 'vulva' from birth, Jo tells Kathryn Ryan.

"What we are communicating then is this is a totally normal thing to talk about, there's no shame in it, its just another part of our body.'

"When we use the word 'foo foo' for a girl's vulva, we imply that there's something a little bit embarrassing or shameful about it - and also that we as adults are uncomfortable.

"They'll feel more comfortable telling us if they don't feel already shamed about that area. If they feel embarrassed or that part of their body is a little bit weird they've got kind of a double whammy there - they don't want to tell us something inappropriate happened and they also don't want to talk about their part of their body.

"What we want to do the whole time is show them 'it's okay, we're comfortable, you can bring anything to us'."

By the time a child is three - a common age to get a sibling - it's time to introduce them to the concept of consent (a word they'll hear about in school later) and how to clearly say no, she says.

Before your child is eight, it's good to have already talked to them about reproduction but not necessarily the specifics of intercourse.

"If it feels like a question that's beyond appropriate or you think they'll tell all their friends say something like 'I'm really happy to talk to you about that when you're a bit older."

Sex therapist Jo Robertson

With the average New Zealand child first encountering porn at 12, many are seeing it younger, Jo says, so 10 is a good age to open up a conversation about how the sex it depicts doesn't represent reality, Jo says…

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What are parents or caregivers to do when there's not much left in the tank? Not being too hard on yourself is a good start, says clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo.

What are parents or caregivers to do when there's not much left in the tank?

Not being too hard on yourself is a good start, says clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo.

Listen to the full conversation

Parental exhaustion has been around from the beginning of time but ramped up since Covid, Nimmo tells Nine to Noon.

"The three years of that and working from home and all the weather events and the endless disruptions to school... the unsettled world, you're seeing more and more people coming in describing symptoms of burnout."

Looking after children is a relentless business, she says.

"When you have kids, everybody tells you how much you're going to love them. No one really prepares you for how much you're going to worry about them."

And that worry doesn't ever really abate.

"I once naively hoped it would end when they turned 18. It does not.

"My kids are adults now and your heart still races every time you get one of those phone calls. So it's a long gig."

There is a mass of information, on how to be a better parent, Nimmo says, but little about how to look after ourselves.

"I've looked into the eyes of many, many distressed parents over the years and I really feel for them because it is so hard so long and often so lonely, and people who are doing it on their own or credit to them because it's a tough, tough job."

If you're burnt out at work you have some options, but with caring for children it's somewhat different, Nimmo says.

Remember, even if you're feeling frazzled and disconnected, you are probably still doing a good job.

"The first thing to know is if you are really struggling, it doesn't mean that you are a dreadful parent."

To raise well-adjusted kids, research suggests you only have to be a good parent 30 percent of the time, she says.

"About a third of the time we're perfectly in tune with our kids and doing well, a third of the time we're trying still trying to figure them out and a third of the time we don't have a clue."

Keep that ratio in mind, and as long as your children are safe physically and emotionally, you're doing fine, Nimmo says.

If you feel like you're not doing fine as a parent, it's okay to occasionally mention to your children that you're having a tough time…

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Motivated by the isolation many tamariki were feeling during the lockdown, child psychologists Sarika Rona and Lisa Cherrington wanted to write a book to help tamariki with the emotional challenges of separation. Their new picture book The Awhi Warrior is about Teina, a little boy who is upset that he can't visit his Nanny Mihi and give her an awhi, a hug, during lockdown. Together they explore the power of the atua, the gods of te ao Maori, and Teina learns he can connect with his ancestors and the spiritual world to feel supported and loved. Kathryn speaks with Sarika Rona, an educational psychologist and co-author of the book.

Motivated by the isolation many tamariki were feeling during the lockdown, child psychologists Sarika Rona and Lisa Cherrington wanted to write a book to help tamariki with the emotional challenges of separation.

Their new picture book The Awhi Warrior is about Teina, a little boy who is upset that he can't visit his Nanny Mihi and give her an awhi, a hug, during lockdown.

Together they explore the power of the atua, the gods of te ao Māori, and Teina learns he can connect with his ancestors and the spiritual world to feel supported and loved.

Kathryn speaks with Sarika Rona, an educational psychologist and co-author of the book.

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Upside Youth Mentoring has been operating for 16 years predominantly in the Auckland region. It runs programmes for at risk children aged 9 to 13 and matches them up with volunteer mentors. Jenny Horst is the CEO of Upside Youth Mentoring Aotearoa and she says the mentors help young people to navigate life's difficulties.

Upside Youth Mentoring has been operating for 16 years predominantly in the Auckland region. It runs programmes for at risk children aged 9 to 13 and matches them up with volunteer mentors. Jenny Horst is the CEO of Upside Youth Mentoring Aotearoa and she says the mentors help young people to navigate life's difficulties.

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Dr Jean Annan is an educational psychologist and has worked as a university lecturer, researcher and a teacher. Her new book is '7 Dimensions: Children's Emotional Well-being' which is a simple framework for adults to make sense of the abundance of information about young people's thoughts and feelings.

There's been a number of challenges to children's wellbeing over the past few years - the pandemic of course, and for many kids in the upper North Island at the moment - dealing with the aftermath of flooding and the Cyclone.

So what IS wellbeing? And how can we ensure kids are doing ok, and are still able to learn? Dr Jean Annan is an educational psychologist and has worked as a university lecturer, researcher and a teacher.

Her new book is '7 Dimensions: Children's Emotional Well-being' which is a simple framework for adults to make sense of the abundance of information about young people's thoughts and feelings.

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Tired parents hoping to train newborns to sleep through the night need to adjust their expectations, parenting expert and neuroscience educator Nathan Wallis says.

Sleep training benefits parents more than babies and people should be wary of adopting rigid routines, according to neuroscience educator and parenting expert Nathan Wallis.

Babies are expected to sleep through the night early for cultural reasons rather than scientific ones, he says.

"When you see how rapidly the brain grows, especially in the first year of life, the emphasis to get the baby sleeping through the night is not really founded on science. The brain's growing so rapidly, the baby's probably at a huge advantage to wake up four times a night and be topped up with breast milk to help that rapidly growing brain.

"There's a thing in our culture that says the earlier you do things the better, so if your antenatal class gets together after the baby's born there tends to be an unspoken competition over whose baby is going to walk first. And unspoken competition over whose baby's sleeping through the night first. The baby that actually walks first is probably the child that's most likely to be hyperactive in the group, so that's not really a competition you want to win."

While good quality sleep is important for the whole whānau, Wallis says the baby's needs should be prioritised.

"That first 1000 days of your life is so impactful on the rest of your life.

"Of course, mum and dad need to have some sleep to be able to look after all the other kids, but I don't think it's just a matter of automatically getting that baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible for the well-being of the rest of the family.

"We have to really put the wellbeing of the baby first, I think especially in that first year of life."

There's no scientific gold standard for how much sleep babies and children need, because different cultures have varying expectations, Wallis says.

"Scandinavian cultures expect their babies to sleep a lot, and they do correspondingly sleep much more than we see in the rest of the Western world. In Asian countries, it's much more normal to leave your children up to the late hours of the night.

"So it's really about just making sure that your individual child has enough sleep that they're functioning properly."

Wallis says teaching babies and children to sleep through the night is more about linking sleep cycles rather than clocking up a solid eight hours kip…

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Wellbeing and emotions facilitator Cat Levine talks to Kathryn about recognising and dealing with children with back to school anxiety . Also the impact the Auckland flooding has had on thousands of pupils and students.

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Wellbeing and emotions facilitator Cat Levine talks to Kathryn about recognising and dealing with children with back to school anxiety . Also the impact the Auckland flooding has had on thousands of pupils and students.

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details