It's All About Connection! NVC With Dr. B!

Key Points Discussed:

• "...{This episode is for people who may not be interested in NVC or know people who are resistant because they  have] ideas about it being really prescribed and it not seeming or feeling natural "(0:11:9)
• "...how do you convert someone... You don't convert someone, you model and you give empathy and yes, sometimes the empathy can be too much, especially early on when people are learning it and it can sound very robotic or maybe people experience needing more authenticity with it. And what you do in those circumstances is silent empathy, because it's not even about what comes out of your mouth, this is not so much about what comes out of your mouth, as much as what goes through your mind first, you can give someone full silent empathy...  "(1:47)
• "You're saying silent empathy can be just as powerful as vocalizing empathy... " (6:36)
• "the OFNR, observations, feelings, needs, request template, it's like your training wheels on a bicycle.(8:06)
• "when you first learn Spanish and you're an English speaker, does it sound like cool and easy or is it clunky? It's clunky. This is a new language."  (10:13)

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Key Points Discussed:

• "...what self-connection does, it gets you connected with what's there, which is what we tend to not want to do very often, pay attention, especially when there's some discomfort, and yet it can be very helpful ."(3:21)
• "So there's a lot of emphasis in NVC around meeting your need, well, this is a different way of meeting your needs, it's not necessarily like getting your needs handled, it's really like greeting your need, like, Oh, hello there."(5:03)
• "There's this idea of with Nonviolent Communication, that all conflict is a tragic expression of an unmet need. Right underneath any conflict that's happening, it's about a need. Well, the more you do self-connection practice, the more you have an idea of what's going on for you internally, the feelings that is coming up is really just a pointer towards, do you have a need that's being met or not being met." (8:10)
• "So you're having these communications and they're not productive, it's because you're not actually talking about the problem that is there, the need that you're wanting.   (9:37)  Self-connection allows you to get clear on the need and then you can communicate from there and with a level of clarity.

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We recorded Part 2 of this Episode first and then Heather was a bit triggered by the conversation and Dr. B. was also concerned that some folks might take offense to the "education" being offered during the program.  So, we followed what we teach and decided to record another Episode and give empathy to Heather (and, perhaps, our audience as well) on her upset about the conversation.

Politics and NVC - it's an edgy subject.  This Episode attempts to highlight the  problem with labels and non-observational language and entertains the idea that many people, even those with the greatest intentions, feed the political fuel and disconnection by unconsciously using blame and judgments.  

Our sharing here is in service to greater peace and connection and we are open to discussion and to hearing.  If you are triggered by the content, feel free to request empathy on our call-in line:  850-706-0488.  You may be chosen as a guest of the program to receive empathy and so we can model what we teach.

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Key Points Discussed:

• I wanna speak about connecting requests because they're revolutionary. I really do believe they are revolutionary, and partly why they are revolutionary is because we don't do them, they're just a whole new concept of what you do when you're in dialogue with someone in conflict.(2:00)
• "I'm wondering if you're open to hearing some of my thoughts on this..." is a connecting request. (3:50)
• "I'm wondering what you are hearing in terms of my feelings and needs?"  Which FYI, guess what folks... that last little piece was a CONNECTING REQUEST... Exactly, I'm leading her to give me empathy, so even if the person doesn't know empathy, you can end your statement with, "Hey, what are you taking away from that in terms of my feelings and my needs or something along those lines" (4:44)
• Yeah, imagine being in an argument and you just expressed, granted, you kept it judgment free by using of OFNR, but still you're in a conflict. So when you ask someone, how was that for you to hear? We don't usually ask that question because more than likely, the person is gonna respond with a can of whoop ass on you in that moment, they're probably gonna say some things back that you don't like, but the thing is, is they're thinking it anyways, thus the Connecting... You wanna know what really is going on for them, so it could be like a tennis game, just volleying constantly. How is that for you to hear? Can you tell me what you heard?  (6:22)

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Key Points Discussed:

• I've been training youth and community volunteers in the NVC process, and I'm getting ready to launch my business called The Bigbie Method to operationalize peace in America schools by using NVC as the backbone.(1:20)
• There's a lot of people that hear the term Non-Violent Communication and they think this isn't for me,  I'm not violent. When in fact, the term Non-Violent Communication comes from Gandhi's term of non-violence, and it's kind of based in this idea that anything that disconnects you from another human being is actually a form of violence. (2:01)
• Over the evolution of this podcast that we're going to go over the key NVC concepts, we're going to talk with people who are struggling with NVC. Because that's a real thing, people, whether you have a lot of experience or a little experience, people really struggle with this. It's like learning a whole new language because it's hard, we are so habituated when we're in conflict. (4:11)
• Most people come in and have a mental model of empathy and think, Oh, I know empathy, but empathy and NVC is a very specific process that can be taught and learned and replicated. Yeah, so our objective with this podcast is to inform, inspire and support.  (4:56)

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 So I want to give you a little background on how we even came up with us. I want you to really meet my good friend and co-host, and my daughter from another mother, Heather. So what happened was Heather came over for dinner tonight, we were supposed to be talking about some podcast-related stuff, and what you need know about Heather is she meets my needs hugely for laughter and fun. In fact, she has done and really loves to do comedy, she likes to make people laugh, and this podcast is more about information than laughing, so she asked me, do you enjoy doing the podcast? And I responded Well, yeah, I kinda do. But it is work. And then she came clean. And what she came clean with... I'm going to leave that as a cliffhanger for you to find out for yourself in this episode.

Key Points Discussed:

• Today, we're going to do something just a little different because Heather really needs to be heard tonight, and we thought it would be kind of fun to set the alarm for 10 minutes and just riff like have no agenda, other than let Heather get heard. And if you've been following our podcast, you know it's all about connection, and connection is about the empathy process, and the empathy process all at NVC is making sure people are seen, heard and valued. (04.22)
• Coming into this house usually brings me joy, great joy, just the sheer magnitude of the joy is unreal. And then when I have to come over for this, I think about it, I want to be like, Yeah, that's exciting, it meets my needs for creativity and fun and play. I'm like, Oh God, I'm going to have to sit in the chair. I'm going to have to be present and then I'm going to have to edit the unintelligible gables that comes out of our mouths. So yes, you want me to know that you really love to come over to my house typically, but since we've been doing the podcast, you're having a little bit of aversion to coming here and thinking about sitting in that hard chair and then editing all the stuff that we say so that it can sound professional to everybody. (05:53)
•  Anyways, back to your empathy, because that was a side bar, not empathy for those of you that are...a conversational response, that was another conversation response. I don't know which one. Refuting, trying to distract from my suffering. (08:46)
• So maybe just feeling a little bit perplexed on how to go forward and make sure that you get some fairness around your finances in the circumstance... Yeah, integrity was really a big one, and you know what's interesting to me, as much as we've been laughing, you sound different in your voice, and I don't know if the listeners can pick up on that, but there's something that has changed in your tone of voice, and I'm wondering, I just want people to know that that's what happens with empathy. (16:31)

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• Needs/Feelings List: https://app.box.com/s/18n1vgxtcpxtvvelop5kw6tphr307r0o

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Key Points Discussed:

• I think many people venturing into NVC, just the name of it, Non-Violent Communication. I think some folks might think that means that there's no place for getting angry or there's no place for dropping the F-bomb, but that's not true, there is a place for it in NVC and it  happens to be during the WAIT period. (00.31)
• WAIT stands for Why Am I Talking?  In other words, be quiet now.  (01:07)
• WAIT also stands for What am I thinking? What am I telling myself? Am I staying only in observation, or  am I spiraling out into a whole lot of evaluation? Often when in conflict, you tend to go into that story, go into that blame mode, and so WAIT is just a reminder to start to pay attention to what are you thinking.  (01:50)
• WAIT is a very active time.  (04:45)
• Do you need to have NVC training in order to give someone empathy?  Absolutely not.  (06:02)

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• Needs/Feelings List: https://app.box.com/s/18n1vgxtcpxtvvelop5kw6tphr307r0o

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In this episode, Dr. B. and Heather  go over the difference between needs and strategies.  They discuss why it's important, in conflict, to first identify the needs in play and then move to solutions/strategies.  Most of us have a pattern of moving towards strategies as soon as a conflict arises.  Slowing down, hearing one another at the need level is key to moving towards connection - then strategies and solutions will naturally arise.

Key Points Discussed:

• Hold your needs  tightly and your strategies lightly.  (00.43)
• NVC strategies are not bad if that's what you're getting at, however, most of us when we're in conflict, we start out advocating for our strategies, we fight at a strategy level, we talk about the strategies and often we don't even know the needs underneath them (01:50)
• How do you know something is a need as opposed to the strategy (06:24)
• A need is something that everyone in the world wants, and strategies or preferences for getting needs met (06:29)

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How do you know something is a request?  Perhaps, we have been taught a bit wrong about  this because it's not necessarily how you say something and/or if it's preceded with "please."  There is more to it.

Learn more about what makes a request a request and why it's so much better for connecting than a demand, listen in…

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What do we mean by empathy? For those people that are new to our podcasts and new to NVC, we mean presence, reflection, and taking guesses about the needs the person is trying to communicate. Non-Violent Communication is based on this idea that all conflict is a tragic expression of an unmet need, and by needs we mean things like love, courage, things everyone wants. Things like beauty, play, stability, security, there's lots of needs, lots of universal human needs, we often get caught up in strategies when we're fighting strategies to get needs met, and most of us don't even have an awareness of what the need is that we're actually fighting about in the first place. When we're trying to deeply hear somebody with empathy, we're taking needs guesses, and one thing that we're not doing is keeping from using what I call other conversational responses.

Learn more about these responses and much more, listen in…

Key Points Discussed:

•  I used to think that NVC was pretty strictly used when people were fighting with one another. It's really helpful in those situations, but honestly, I think judgment, even in relatively benign situations, is the root of all the violence that we see around us. It's a lot to go into here, and we did a whole episode on trauma and the epidemic and cycle of trauma, but I will try and state this quickly, is to help people understand why even stating appreciations without judgment can help us have more safety in our world. (5:32) 

•   So, language becomes very important, if someone hears judgment in their conversations, that fight, flight or freeze could be easily activated. And even if someone's making a compliment like, Oh, you're so considerate, you're so sweet, a positive judgment, then there's a chance that that person may make another not so good feeling judgment and safeties out the window. So, it's helpful to provide an appreciation free of judgment, or at least to become more mindful of this and strive for it. (6:20)

•    It provides a lot more communication, which is what this is all about. At the Community Connections Restorative Justice Program that ran for years with teens, we would have a class near the end of each session where people gave appreciations using this format of stating their observations and then the needs met, and it was really something to experience that there was so much connection across people of all types, a mini version of the world that we want. (9:07)

•   And one of the things that you can do in the way period, is find a friend or another relative that you're not angry with, and give them the needs list and ask them to help you figure out what your need is in that moment, even if they don't know NVC, you could just give someone that needs list and then you direct them, you ask them not to do those other conversational responses. (11:55)

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