It's Christmastown

PAT BLANCHFIELD puts the death drive on autopilot to consider (with) us THE PERFECT PAIRING (2022), plus:

It's no big deal, it's just amnesia!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Meet Pat Blanchfield! ... CGI soufflé ... Concussed? Take two Sauternes and one nap ... Pat's Brechtian cockfight Hallmark prom night ... Nordstrom piano ... There's a harp ... It's exploitably efficacious! ... Scrambled entertainment ... Cocoa in my T-bird ... Am I responding to this properly? ... Small things with big eyes ...

Break: "Amado Mio," by Pink Martini

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Deracinated! ... Plot Mop-Up: Undercover food blogger; it's just amnesia; ice wine gala ... A Homer Car plot ... Letters to Santa ... The Swagony of Defeat: Teutonic backstory, Hallmark wine club, Hollingbrook Vineyard ... Wack ice wine tradition ... 'An Ortolan Christmas' ... Wines That Rock ... Danica McKellar Air Fryer ... Hallmark Iberico ... Selling out to booze ... Journalismism: Blogger's half-mil' table; Apocalypse Now dossier; rec-room office; Sonic the Editor ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Cherubic moppet; ex writing partner ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dialectical tension; recipes as fixation; anti-savory bias; having cake and Lacanian impossibility too; "Thanksgiving without turkey"; Swiss Miss; wine vat ... Limiting amnesia expertise ... Female race memory ... Reunited with norms via head trauma ... Bed tantrum ... "Dessert Enthusiast" ... We're doing tropes here! ... Self-aware breakup ...

Break: "Sugar Sugar," performed by Amber Burdick

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hudson Valley to PNW; Hallmark adds a wine section; Murder, She Baked; wine competitions, upstate New York bogs ... Drew Bledsoe ... Overdetermined: CJ's stilettos; knock on head; happy accidents; mom's grapes; predetermined spontaneity; yanked by the scruff; triple ice wine! ... Overdetermined Eurostep ... Crossover: Intertext!; lousy with Proust; The Transporter chained to his vomit; Get Out-iverse peripheral family; Ghislaine; Ready or Not; America's Heads Got Trauma ...

Break: "Ring My Bell," by Anita Ward

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: "Get What You Give"; Falcon Beach; Kevin, Stonks guy; no second chance; Diane, the Roy ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 3.5, or "Dimple Coach, I have a high motor and feel guilty from head hugs" ... Who's the Real Villain?: CJ; rage-bait media incentives; Michael and the bloodsucking media; undiagnosed heart death ... Spontaneous beverage distributor joy ... Jeb needs work ... Title/Sequel: Name implies chemistry; near title-drop; mom-killing review; trad-wife transitioner; omitted amnesia; The Latest Vintage ... Rating: 3 ... Zero chemistry, offensive politics, artlessly done, enjoyable ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART SIX

The Leftovers: IMDB Dive: Art Hindle, Nazneen Contractor, workmanlike; the Book of Saw ... Michael closes the convertible ... Flawless eyeliner ... Inappropriate casual footwear ... Steal your bag! ... Don McBrearty, Hot Wheels and "Gay or Straight: Is There a Choice?" ... Three-rows of vineyard ... Polka, Polka, Polka! ... Oompacore ... Art Hindle jacket game ... Lenmom's Tomb or bitcoin farm? ... Sassy Squids ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Get What You Give" by New Radicals.

Follow Pat on Twitter: @PatBlanchfield

Pre-order Pat's book here.

Take a class with Pat here!

We're carbo-loading for a WEDDING EVERY WEEKEND (2020) but we're breaking down on the:

The Smelts-to-Dealts Pipeline … "I'm a sourdough guy" …

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

"Four Weddings and a [Car] Restoration" ... Pure, high-concept Hallmark ... Joel McHale + Weezer = Joel Campbell ... Recalling Episode 019 - The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Cast Rundown ... Sara Kate fan service ... Signed, Sealed, Delivered Appreciation Station ... Let Geoff Gustafson cook ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Change your businesses; classic quit ... Reverse horn ... Chekhov's rehearsal dinner ... Lost: Husband, storyteller ... Peak Hallmark Quit ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: Greg and Ginny vs. It Takes a Village ... It's YOUR rehearsal dinner! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Procure some rosemary; cheers with giant buns; brunch welsher; hors d'oeuvres montage; pizza shooters, jalapeño poppers; wedding taco bar ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A convergence of all weddings; the fakest Portland yet; Navy SEAL training in the PNW ... Overdetermined: Let's mess with our friends and make the scene out of the joke describing it; do or do not, there is no try; tough material; Ryan Reynolds-esque distancing ... Crossover: The Godfather wedding; physical therapists fixing cars ... Medical tape product placement ... BS knee medicine ... The Mud Bowl ... Grinding Tape: QB1 lasers a pick-6; Daniel Jones; Mike Glennon Appreciation Station ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: The Summer of Brooke? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Norman Dorman Labor Bot; James, the Orthopedic Surgeon; Dr. Colin, a pineapple; time to find your ham ... Who's the Real Villain: It's not weddings ... Kiss 'Em All ... Title/Sequel: Minimum delivery; contempt title; "Next Weekend," It Follows; scrompin' every morning ... Rating: 2 ... "Perfect Day" sensory deprivation ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: IMDB Dive ... Wine Clown-Sour Bro Axis ... Did we watch it? ... Post-breakup with the softest people ever ... Too bad you can't do a retro-mod on your heart ... Misunderstanding the obnoxious hipster shithead ... Active bears in the area ... Mazel tov! ... I can't believe you have other friends! ... Merry Christmas

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "A Punchup at a Wedding," by Radiohead.

Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here.

The Daily Beast's ASAWIN SUEBSAENG joins us to observe BUTLERS IN LOVE (2022) and ask:

Did you hear when the butt went "Bwaammp"?

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Violating dibs ... A Desperate Housewives thing ... Go to bed, Ryan Murphy ... Did the nerds hear about this movie?

Break: "Clue, Main Theme" by John Morris

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Only seven years older ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's spoilers! ... Plot Mop-Up: Shrek dad, bad-boy legacy butler ... Russian or Scotsman? ... 300 years of cousin-butlering ... Trump's CHUD butler ... It's not Florida's fault! ... Willoughby Status: Avuncular ... Emma has no non-butlering enthusiasms or identity ... Instantly ditching a lifelong dream ... Zero butler guests ... Swin's REAL butler reporting ... Seven-figure butler ... Butler Double-Dare ... Quit climax, hotel edition ... Hogwarts is real, butling is real, and my friend ... From Cordon Bleu to Chipotle ... Spizzwinks? interlude ... Tufts bants ...

Break: "Beantown," by John Cena and Tha Trademarc (feat. Esoteric)

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: No ... The Lisa Void ... Yacht butler ... Kundun, I liked it! ... Trump's Boy Scouts yacht orgy ... Back to Spot the Angel: Willoughby's failed potential; butling via owning; butling via kung fu ... Please make Hogwarts for Butlers wack ... No ropes or zipliness ... Eat Your Heart Out: Audible fart; super hearing, for farts; learning how to rip it; Maxwell Caulfield or Stacey Farber?; could you clean this in post?; "Moondance" and Hallmark auteurism; Beef Wellington; 70's foods; wine pairing; eat like David Roth; not understanding grilled cheese; They Came Together, but literal; audible fart reprise; eggnog does not pair with everything; progressive nog pairing; chomping vine tomatoes; we need grad school knife errors; cookies; "Fiiiiive agéd cheeses!"; today we're all wines in the box; one poisoned wine bottle; a real Big Boy moment ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Recency bias; our feet in tissue boxes; butling in the manor house where every other Hallmark couple meets; You're Bacon Me Crazy (Episode 085); the Hallmark wealth pantheon in Episodes 005, 029, 057, 044, 048, 058 ... Overdetermined: Everything; bad-boy butler sticking it to dad; "I want to do what I want to do!" "Me too!"; the bizarre self-fulfillment; whiff of domestic menace; projecting the other love interest's "path" ... Crossover: Honeymoon White Lotus or Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation; plunked into Gosford Parkiverse; Butler X-Men academy; coaching Butler;

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone; many early replicants; Henry's Russo-Scots Dad; Lisa Appreciation Station; stat-shouting butling student ... Explicitly anti-Italian podcast ... Who's the Real Villain: Emma, anti-feminist; very unfair to Emma; the concept of aristocracy; the caste/service system ... Will you help me write a business plan? ... Title/Sequel: Letdown, "Dawn of War: Butlers in Love"; not doing an incest thing; totally delivers; butlers, not in love, and in love but not butlers; "Caterers in Love"; Clerks-to-Party Down ... Rating: 3 ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART SIX

The Leftovers: Lifetime vs. Hallmark beef ... Swin's Hallmark and Lifetime Movie Network taxonomy ... Lifetime Bolshevik ... Creator network crossover ... The opposite of Fox News is the LMN universe ... Defund the LMN police ... Mike Lindell, LMN enemy ... Jeb, My Pillow owner ... LMN and the Fox-to-Hallmark/threat-to-homestead continuum ... Malaise forever! ... IMDB Dive: Curious and Unusual Deaths ... Butler dojo ... Where are the alterations? ... Let the butling come to you ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Love Butler," by K.R.Y.T.I.C.

Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here.

Follow Swin on Twitter here.

Jeb's Hallmark piece on Medium, and Jeb's other Hallmark piece in WaPo.

Writer/activist MAURA QUINT returns for A KISS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2021), to learn:

Wishmaster-ass Santa Claus ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

A singular Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Welcome to Nog Chat ... The Jewish BS starts early ... Whoopie Pies, Whippy Dip ... Is nog a prank? ... Christmas is a dare festival ... More nog ... Kefir interlude ... Nog shots ... Christmas at Cartwright's (episode 004) callback ...

Break: "The Nog Song 2.0," by Grant Kirkhope

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Joyce Holt! ... Marilu Henner's eidetic memory ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; soccer camp; baking son ... Simply having wonderful bizarrotime! ... Max Christmas trees, max decorations ... Headboard decorations, kitchen lode, trip vases ... Quinquagenarian Christmas explosion ... Replacing extras with trees ... Meeting, re: Tree Issue ... Sliding Doors meets Boss Baby, but make it Christmas ... Is this a Reverse Scrooge? ... Hallmark Jimmy Stewart ... It's a Wonderful Life: too dark for Hallmark ... Sean Doyle gives property development a bad name ... When life's better without you ... A Lexus December to Remember commercial ... Hal-9000 coffee maker ...

Break: "Also Sprach Zarathustra," by Eumir Deodato

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: It's sketchy train station Santa! ... He knows when you will die ... Santa's in your house ... Eat Your Heart Out: Baking squat cupcakes; dinner out with lettuce and jellied toast; crampers need bananas; tiered hot cocoa experience; gonna experiment with gingerbread; The Cupcakes Are for MY Football Team, Parts I and II; cinnamon tea or hot chocolate; celebrating our meatversary; where's my bottarga! where's my bottarga! ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: An infinite Hallmark Sliding Doors; Hallmark Sliders and Quantum Leap; Wallace Shawn's not walking through that door; Pittsburgh IS Chicago; the greater Chicagoverse; Episodes 001 and 027 ... Overdetermined: The whole movie; Nice Driver's Godlike advice; "you're the dragon"; Sean Doyle's Four Thieving Values; Wicked Witch villainy; "maybe he'll realize money isn't everything" ... Crossover: Santa Ringu; Lost Highway's mystery Santa; Hallmark Men, Into the Santaverse ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Girls sharing coolant ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; the richest guy is never evil; Gus, the advice driver; all the assistants; Rona the endlessly variable ... Great Moments in a Photograph of Jets Quarterback Zach Wilson Rating: 3 ... No loose balls on the Hallmark set ... Check, check, check ... Who's the Real Villain?: Ambition; the authoritarianism of work ... Title/Sequel: title delivers; A Kiss on Christmas; Teri Hatcher's search for freedom; A Nick of Time Kiss Before Boxing Day; Hallmark's Leverage Eleven ... Rating: 4 ... "It didn't make me mad" ... The necklace is a problem ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Lot Cop ... "I forgot I'M rich!" ... What happened to the other happy family? ... Did he destroy Reality 2? ... Jeff Beesley Appreciation Station ... Nog Inquisition ... It's YOUR Ferrari ... Unintelligible Ferrari Truck ... "My son the Elder" ... De-aging to Odo levels ... Buy Ethan's terrible suit! ... SEVEN suits ... Vaguely Irish Santa ... Poinsettia pronunciation ... Adults playing adults is way more tolerable ... Teri was real and spectacular ... Unintended menace ... Your new friend Buffalo Bill ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Give Love a Bad Name," by Bon Jovi.

Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback

Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's wonderful book here.

ZACK HANDLEN of the AV Club (and more) joins us, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT (2021), to learn:

This is our job, and we're doing our job ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

The Irish BS starts early ... All foreign accents are the same ... Lavish Zack intro ... Defending "Pusher" ... Trusting reviewers ... Angry Walking Dead fans ... Needing an urgency vibe with nuance-disregard chaser ... Hallmark bona fides: mom vibes ... Tenzing Norgay takes you behind the process ... Aiming for fine! ... Horse Whisperer callback ... Leap Year echoes, Travel Channel vibes ... Clare Neiderpruem, bard of the natural world ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Niall Buggy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Australians, distillery business plan, forced diffidence ... Soulful-mopey male lead vs. Good sulky ... Niall Buggy ... Clip: A great deal of adulthood ... Avoiding poor choices, but not seeking great ones ... Spot the Angel: Adalia the Inkeeper ... St. Kevin, you are such a disease ...

Break: "Sayonara," by The Pogues

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: Mostly decently normal food ... Glum Irish desserts ... Violently incompetent carrot slicing ... Kathleen Turner overdrive ... Zero whiskey face ... Fruity whiskey ... BREAD ALERT, Loaf Mode ... Scree pizza ... Remaindered Tesco pizza ... Coffee'd and carbed out the yang ... NYC eating normalcy ... Sushi of Gary ... Egyptian food truck, second encore! ... Artifacts and shawarma ... Extremely instant-ass stew ... Those have flavors, sir ...

Break: "Screamager," by Therapy?

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Love on Iceland/Love on Ireland; just one letter, just one string; Hallmark should make more travel movies; Minting Balkan princes at industrial rates; The Tom Cruise Mummy "Dark" Universe; The Sickbed of Fitzpatrick ... Finnegan's Wake Crossover ... Overdetermined: The Claddagh ring blending of two worlds (not vasculitis); proposal "fakeout"; Grant, the Mulch Oaf; a Grinchy idea to join the matchmaking festival ... The hazed-by-locals business stratagem ... Local Hero vibes ... Writing to checklist, not to motivations ... You don't need explanations for inevitable moments ... Brennan is a bread dick ... Utensil negging ... Crossover: Midsommar ... Rethinking The Wicker Man ... No bees in the Hallmark universe ... Lacey Chabert's The Quiet Man ... The Matchmaker ... No idea how matchmaking works ...

Break: "The Wild Cats of Kilkenny," by The Pogues

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A well-tempered yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Professional elopers; time-wasting Hallmark boss ... Who's the Real Villain?: Sister Crispin; the progress of time; capital homogeneity (O'brien's Pub and Beef's); superpredator meet-cute ... Title/Sequel: Forgetting the title; Love of the Irish; 2Lucky; As Luck Would Have Us ... Fast ... Marriage Troubles! ... Rating: 3.5 ... Travel to another Vancouver ...

Break: "Big Sad Eyes," by The Immediate

PART SIX

The Leftovers: A new opportunity: Ireland! ... Eternal hold music ... Problematic UK preservationism ... The world's oldest Bennigan's ... Cute sunnies ... Real pit BBQ ... The human Chamber of Commerce ... Why are strangers being nice? ... Mrs. Nick Swisher ... An exhausting character on the Giambi A's ... Hashtag hashtag hashtag ... The real Howth Castle ... Mormon influencer on a week's athletic vacation ... Otherwise nice clothes! ... The top 30 orthodontists in Ireland ... IMDB Dive: Christina Conradt and a very busy year in one teen's life ... Bildungsroman, epistolary ... Timorous partner role reversal ... Geriatric volunteer, Irish goldbrickers ... Chief Miles O'Brien's mind palace ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Sister Christian (Loop)," by Night Ranger and "It's Over, Goodbye," by The Miami Showband.

Follow Zack on Twitter: @Zhandlen

Check out Zack's Patreon here.

Buy Zack's dang X-Files book here.

WILL LEITCH spikes this show into THE TURKEY BOWL (2019) and gets us community service watching:

The Barry Switzer Showcase ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Not a baking mystery ... It's not it! ... Too many penises and butts within two minutes ... A solid forever runtime ... A tame Old School, a risqué Hallmark ... No darkness or cruelty ... Following Hallmark homecoming plot beats ... More enjoyable than Red Notice ... 1.5x speed ... PENALTY: Inaccurate movie provenance ... Hallmark's increasing indie vibes ... An existential threat to this podcast? ... Metatextually loving Oklahoma ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast rundown ... Ryan Hansen, who Will knows from Party Down ... The Expositional Challenge ... Earned attaboy ... Plot Mop-Up ... The Badger Hole ... Intrafamily political strife ... Ride Along 1 and 2 ... Harland Williams ... "Moist" ... Spot the Angel: Judge Tibbins or Mitchell's self-sacrifice ... Reverse Good Will Hunting speech ... The Cedar Rapids/winsome Sundance fare ... Eat Your Heart Out: Reinforcing the political divide; congealed sloppy joe's; hot-dog casserole ... Cigarettes and football ... Matt Jones Appreciation Station ... Mitchell ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Overdetermined: Sports movies flipping from total loserdom to total dominance in the big game; 12-6 high-five big-game analysis; the Blind Melon joy montage; the football game broke the town; "high school again" speech followed by Hallmark Quit ... You tried nothing, and nothing happened ... A life reanimated for a jealousy trope ... Crossover: Is that Barry Switzer?; can Barry Switzer commit to a dark Alzheimer's role?; the Barry Switzer filmography; Gen X return to Road Rules ... A lot of stretching ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: There is no women's "moment"; biological clock; marital aid tips ... A better movie's Ashley Sinclair ... An extremely reasonable bad girlfriend ... More Hangover hangover ... Bad events without bad people ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Brandy "the class slut"; demented Barry Switzer ... Who's the Real Villain?: Forgetting where you came from and/or brand identity ... A perfect community that can implode from losing one football game ... Title/Sequel: A mostly Thanksgivingless Thanksgiving; a good touch tying it to the game; a turkeyless Turkey Bowl; these people are turkeys; you gotta do The Leftovers ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Filmed in Oklahoma ... Copyright compliant UPS ... Stolen Supreme Court justice cab ... Reasonable senator, a Good Son-style doofus ... Who leaks this story? ... House of Cards narration ... Exhausting-ass Beau Willimon ... Nickelback on 2 ... Money for Smash Mouth and Third Eye Blind ... Copyright compliant "Fields of Gold" and "Blister in the Sun" ... It's common law, and I bought my own ring, and I'm done with this conversation ... Thank you for the turkey bowl ... The secret Dave-Will feud ... Links! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "My My My My Mitchell" by Hoyt Axton.

Read Will's newsletter here.

TEASER: Thanksgiving, 2031: A Reckoning

Everyone's not murdered, and nothing is magnetic ...

THEME: "Dead Man's Party," by Oingo Boingo

PART ONE: All Our Troubles Are Gone

Welcome back to Will Leitch ... No plugs ... Vaccinated child blood ... Mask affinity ... Can there be a pandemic off-ramp? ... Torn pandemic bicep ... You just have a bad body now ... Without shared struggle, there is no shared victory ... We can't personally police anybody ... A segregated society ... Disproportionate political minority-opinion representation ... But vaccination won! ... Residual Covid resentment ... Unvaccinated, disconnected cousin ... Most people are disengaged and normal for it ...

Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO: Scoreboard!

Normalcy's inertia over Covid ... Bret Stephens, noted herb ... Trump and the Power of Positive Thinking ... Placebo effect ... Road Runner mentality vs. Coyote mentality ... Everyone's just tryin', man ... Fighting the monoculture vs. creating the multiculture ... Eight people talking in Slack ... Labor Day, the film ... Thanksgiving pandemic antagonism ... Sibling to blame ... A more severable externalized slight ... Polio ... Nobody's magnetic or sterile! ... Family division feeding grievance politics ...

Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE: Hot Vaxgiving

What are we doing for Thanksgiving? ... Died before every Thanksgiving ... We are here, and it is enough ... Bringing back all the old favorites ... The dead optimism of June ... False hope for a V-E Day ... Next years pandemic conversation percentage ... Growing stunted by the pandemic ... I'm not your boyfriend ...

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Read Will's newsletter here.

We get looped into a TIMELESS LOVE (2019) and forget our kids to:

Find out what your mom's coffin would be like!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Flexing some podcast muscles ... Embarrassing personal life statement ... Accidentally watching Candace Cameron movies ... Spousal and child loss is upsetting ... Maudlin/Frothy knob ... Effective sadness ... Convoluted production history ... "Warning: Real life contains tragedy" ... A Hallmark tease diving into weird contradiction ...

Break: "Miss You Most (At Christmastime)," by Mariah Carey

PART TWO

Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Daniel Jones analogy ... Organic chemistry ... Lit like Romper Room ... Uncannily defamiliarizing establishing footage ... Leipzig and Denver, Vermont ... Megan's mega-nihilist dad ... Hallmark's Ringu ... A lot of trauma and raw grief ... Jason Dorhing and The Stars Hollow Man ... Bad Hallmark movie, sabotagingly good indie movie ... This movie's too much like the day job ... Too interesting for the Hallmark space ... "It's 10 a.m., and I don't care where my kids are" ... Going back in time to become a bitcoin person ... No other aspect of time travel matters ... "Time did it" ...

Break: "Missing You," by John Waite

PART THREE

Excellence is what we do ... Spot the Angel: An angel would have helped ... Where's my angel? ... Please stay on the line! ... Satan's therapist and invisible women's pain ... The Jacob's Ladder cosmos ... Eat Your Heart Out: Load-bearing French onion soup; discovering parsley; "Famous Alfredo"; sewer milk, the kind in a can; burned pancakes; double-creamer hot chocolate; unintelligible empanada truck ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 24, "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet"; Levels of hallucinatory delusion; abundant brain trauma; Episode 67, "We Named the Dog Boyfriend"; Candace Cameron as The Unhip Rufus; Utah, we're comin' for ya ...

Break: "I'm Not Missing You," by Ebba Bergendahl

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: The opening coffin speech is peak Wine Clown; savage dad inhumanity ... The loud-talking culturally left-coast opinionated woman ... Crossover: Jacob's Ladder; The Forgotten; The Family Man; the namedrop segment; Looper ... The loop doesn't close, Dog ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big dang no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Natalie, peak Wine Clown, either oblivious or meta-cognizant ... Windy Johnny's Hot Dogs ... "I forgot to be a person," a good line ... Who's the Real Villain: Work coma-fired me; the misogyny of her medical care; Heisenberg ... Title/Sequel: A deceptive/bewildering pun; a true title would be unsettling; Phantom Children; Overtimeless Love ... Rating: 2.5 ... Thank you for trying ... Slapstick terrible direction for Rachel Skarsten ... Asking too much of your last line of defense ... You're making a Rom-Som ... Hey, kid, I'm a mourner! ...

Break: "Miss You," by Etta James

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: The Hallmark/50 Shades overlap universe ... The Mobius of horny-oaf between Hallmark and 50 Shades ... Kate and Pretty Little Liars ... Mom sacrificed Megan for delivery fees ... Misuse of trauma/froth ... The IMDBeat: Bro/Bra/Breh; Candlelight Entertainment; filler flix from down at the Brough Factory; Colt McCoy; no one needs to fall off a cliff; Christmas Project 2; Corbin Bernsen; Brian Bosworth; Love in Aruba, but Stalked in Paradise ... Creamy noods for your ready alfredo ... Stussy ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Utah Saints - Something Good (Dance Remix Instrumental)" by CutVocals.

We FOLLOW OUR HEART (2020) to Mountain View, Arkansas and:

It's good to not be entertained ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

We're back! We're back! ... Workin' pieless before vacation ... Is this a mystery? ... Malick-inflected TV Amish ... Enough that Pie Would Remark On It ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Staggering failure, lushly plotless ... Trip Report: Mountain View, Arkansas ... The Amish will come, Ray ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

This good movie isn't good ... Somber, but made with care ... Not "star-driven" ... Logical Amish Brigadoon ... Identifiably a movie, yet still not a movie ... Otherizing the Amish ... Hallmark calling its own bluff ... Mutual belief-system abandonment ... That's not Pennsylvania

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: No ... Jeb's Amish dental obsession ... Eat Your Heart Out: Fried chicken, potato dumplings, (overcooked) green beans, wasted portions, spicy shakshuka, full English breakfast, brittle dry bacon, scrambled nubs, fondness for pies ... Serious pie is funny ... Platooning pie ... Forbidden seasonings ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Universal TV producer boyfriend; fleeing Garbage Store suspect; location shoots from meteorologists from Episode 93 ... No title effort ... Overdetermined: Talking like Libertarian Skeletor; savage sister burns in a cooking scene; a relentless volte-facing ending ... Choosing a world without family ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Witness (obviously), The Village, (Karen Gillian and Hot B*n Shapiro), CSI: Amish Grace ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Jack and Evelyn's Amish mockery vs. Katrina's autobiographical Amish ignorance ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1, great workrate, great execution ... Who's the Real Villain: Gossip vs. Incuriosity ... Title/Sequel: Generically inoffensive and thematic, "Follow That Car" and Midnight Express ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Rating: 3 ... Good, but not entertaining ... We can do more "real" movies like this ... The Leftovers: Your soul journey will commence ... The Bone Collector ... Dallas-Fort Worth Buckingham ... Random name generator titles ... Antonio Banderas gif ... Sandra L. Martin and Mountain View, Arkansas ... Married stars ... Unverified on Twitter ... Englishlifting the Pootie ... Insane bird foley ... I read your book! ... Slant rhyme ... Hurricanes ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "O.T.P. (One Term President)" by Wolverines.

SARA KATE WILKINSON takes us CRASHING THROUGH THE SNOW (2021) and:

We kept the shirt on, and we liked it ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Kasem intro ... You get $20, but we never speak again ... The Edge ... "Back to normal and fine" ... A five-tool movie ... Cast rundown: Todd Burpo's doctor and Canadian treasures ... The Expositional Challenge ... Cheap air-horn ... Three notes, and a relaxed attitude toward work ... Spot the Angel: No, but give Hector a try ... Ruddy Santa notes ... Eat Your Heart Out: Many Christmas pastries; jaundiced limp goose; down-the-middle human meal; holiday dinners you wouldn't believe; Rutger Hauer voice ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Too competent for crossover; incompetent ski resorts; needlessly long episode titles; Tardis McMansion; the billiards room; more needlessly long episode titles ... Denver: America's most Canadian city ... Hotel house minimizing location shock ... Crossover: Sara Kate's improved locked-room mystery; Ready or Not, the dark game of politeness; Mighty Ducks piss-take; why did Sara Kate go Raoul? ... Overdetermined: Too self-aware; "I am Christmas"; "You're watching a movie right now!"; normal, aware flirting; dad's reality-check vs. messing where you eat; lessening the last-minute blows; gimme the fizz; co-parenting conflicts ... The Inchon Landing ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Hector's cocoa; Ski Instructor Appreciation Station; conveniently oblivious stepmom ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1.5 ... Who's the Real Villain: Losing your mom; hiding a dead parent's things; realistic potential stepdad vibes; Jeff's facial hair; no greater villain; commodified nuclear-family love ... Rating: 5 ... Actual sexual chemistry ... Implied premarital sex ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Title/Sequel: Good title; 2Crash 2Furious; Uncle Stepdad/Aunt Stepmom; Big Night at the Butterfield Inn ... The Leftovers: First Bumble reference ... TikTok ... Gremlins, the movie ... A walking Instagram post ... Grandma with an Instagram ... Tamar Laddy and Rich Newey Appreciation Station ... Phil Collins crossover ... Partner Chat: Oversize sweaters for the skinny only; GOOD bad-singing; sexy Gettysburg Address; premature matching pajamas; mom's cold marble slab ... Mom's ear-piercing privilege ... Peace with honor in the War on Christmas ... McNamara again ... Team Blitzen ... Goalie dive on the Reindeer Relay ... OJ, Nicole and the recital ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "I Got 5 on It (Instrumental)," by The Luniz.

Follow Sara Kate on Twitter: @SaraKateW