It's Christmastown

SARAH D. BUNTING joins BRANDI BROWN to solve CROSSWORD MYSTERIES: A PUZZLE TO DIE FOR (2019), starting with:

A getting-to-be-so-driven exercise ... Don't look at the NY Magazine's art critic's life ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Other podcasts ... Welcome, Brandi and Sarah D. B-b-b-b-bunting ... The ironic-to-sincere Bosch process ... Amazon Original Series Bosch ... Haunted by Brandy (the boy is hers) and not snitching ... Accidental eco-terrorism fans ... How'd we pick this? ... The Cat Who Found a Floater ... Booking Brandi's mom ... Cats and Anti-Cats ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Snack-addicted NYPD Chief; art-left ring clues; the NYT crime desk ... Better than Garbage Stores and Wedding Marches; non-workable plot points, but it's still fun ... Berenstein Bears: Lost in Cyberspace ... Tension-free, but actually plotted and playing to Chabert ... Clouds > Clues ... No Chabert solidarity ... Will Shortz cameo ... The crater of Minneapolis ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Spot the Criminal: Good red herrings; a buffet of neurodifference; back to the red herrings; Pierre's Vincent Price vibes ... Sketchy character or bad actor? ... Attempted accent work ... Eat Your Heart Out: Pies, more pies; skipping lunch today; bakery downtown; cheese puffamid; the "Upper Crust"; pie alibi; bodying Murder She Baked; some sliders and fries; dine-and-dash on stakeout; letter-folding chip bag ... Pocket muffin ... Combo-Pez dispenser ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Journalismism: Zero electronic communications; crossword next to the crime desk reception area; no building security; alphabetical newspaper sections; questionable crossword construction; subscriptions are up 8 percent; crosswords, a cozy career; "no funeral for me, I'm in the archives" ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Fencing stolen paintings through Garage Sale Mysteries; theft covered on the Hallmark podcast series; Murder She Baked going in on NY pies; leads getting married at the Wedding March B&B; the red-herring couple fleeing crime; the red-herring couple being hired by Danny Glover as God; the Candyland New York of Very Very Valentine ... Overdetermined: The trauma swaps; copaganda within copaganda; biting on the red herring; Elaine the art dealer's malice; how to get in the mind of the killer ... The Unabomber ... Crossover: PBS's Ghost Writer; an American Animals take on this plot; this plot, but in a Bone Collector universe; Friends of Numb3rs ... Wholesome Se7en ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Pierre, former art broker Elaine, the City of New York, everyone or nothing, Monk simulation, the city is a character and robot ... Who's the Real Villain?: Cops, death of journalism, in-person workplaces, non-digitized archives; not understanding the readership ... Substack criminals ... Rating: 4 ... Effectively using La Chabert ... Lori Loughlin returning to Lifetime ... When Chabert's Chabert ... The Leftovers: New York O'Connors ... IMDB dive ... Positive supporting performances ... Frank D'Angelo ... Time-shifted to pre-internet ... Chesley Nightengale ... "Word on the street is, don't miss it" ... NY1 Hallmark ... Webster's defines crosswords as ... Abigail Krebs ... Wrong gallery, one clue, two solutions ... No sleeping on stakeout ... Shake Shack assassination attempt ... Plugs ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Send Me on My Way," by Rusted Root.

Follow Sarah on Twitter: @tomatonation

Follow Brandi on Twitter: @itsthebrandi

Listen to Jeb and Sarah on Quaid in Full: Links!

NPR's LINDA HOLMES joins TARA ARIANO in saying YOU HAD ME AT ALOHA (2021) and:

Pick up the phone and pod. What's so difficult? Just pick up the phone and pod.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

The GOAT Lady ... Linda's Hallmark cred ... Jack Wagner Appreciation Station ... Expanding the Hallmark humane universe ... Kissing and plastic wrap ... Bad video copy or prequel-level CGI? ... Callback to _____ Mariah Carey's episode ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: First write-down effort ... Goat-plot mop-up ... Open the dress ... Hula music ... Missed goatertunity ... Ridiculous show pitch ... Extraordinary Rendition, The Show! ... 50/50 rating split ... Chainsaw ... Spot the Angel: There's no God; elves; religious Santa; Millie's mellowing ... Angel Status: Working on it ... Flower signifier ... Millie halo > Mary halo ... Eat Your Heart Out: Captain Hula's authentic Hawaiian cuisine; pineapple; "Beer"; large dinner rolls ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Every unwilling host movie; Hallmark Viacom; Ben's twin brother's Polynesian fusion; When Calls the Heart (and fan service); not even a movie; Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner; Episodes 83, But Wait, There's Buckley; Episode 98, Buckley's Big Naturals (But Not in Excess); Episode 19, The Quotable Gus Van Houten; the Hawaiian resort you can find on Hallmark dot com ... Hallmark Hilton Head ... National Flip-Flop Day ... Hula noise ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Overdetermined: Rigid or spontaneous; chill; Ted McGinley drop; Hallmark guys in a sunken place; leaning Snyderly on the goat trauma; "I hate planning" ... Crossover: Falling Down; Promising Young Woman; Six Days, Seven Nights; Hawaii of Doctor Five-O ... Chainsaw ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Swag shout-out ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Work via boys ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: No, they have learned; Todd erasure, dailies, rage-quit and bronzer ... Journalismism: Google your co-host; Luis as manager; "goof-off time"; justification tk tk tk; too surprised by YouTube; not even implied discomfort; unemployment isn't entertainment; hosting isn't easy, and it and producing aren't interchangeable ... Who's the Real Villain: Women be organizin' ... What if a guy was afraid of rollerblading, or saw value in a woman's opinion? ... Rating: 3 (Hula music, horrendous title, jumping off things) ... The sequel ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: I've expressed all options ... Mini Classic Lines: Jeggings, wrap dresses, flip-flops ... Rick Garman Un/Appreciation Station ... Actually, write that movie, please ... Beginning the Jean Smart resurgence ... "Porch Pirate" ... John Putch Appreciation Station ... When banter's too mean ... All the beats are right ... The Sure Thing ... Let's get wasted ... "Do you think I have feelings?" ... The part where you're being more sensitive ... "I can't unplug from work!" ... Rigid people can be fun ... Where is the balance? ... You miss posting ... "Let's make out" face ... Is our SHOW too rigid? ... Just pick up the phone and call ... Podcasting tips ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Hawaii Five-O Theme," by The Ventures, "Aloha Oe," by George Kulokahai and His Island Serenaders, and "Were You There When They Crucified Jack Lord," from Mr. Mike's Mondo Video

Follow Linda on Twitter: @lindaholmes

Follow Tara on Twitter: @TaraAriano

Get Linda's book here.

Listen to Jeb's most recent guest stint on Extra Hot Great.

MAURA QUINT returns and we DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART (2021) for:

Editing IMDB to include more scared priests ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Welcome back Maura ... Flip this host ... No song ... Noom brainwashing ... "Advantage Monthly" ... New York Sports Club Magazine ... You were going to be kidnapped ... Reviewing Ohio community theater ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Four Dead Girls, the Soul Taker ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... Actual evidence of movie ... Decent human relations, terrible plotting ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or the editor ... Eat Your Heart Out: Street meat; cold-brew coffee in winter; ground snout; knowing a pizza place; mentioning other food ... Journalismism: Suit and corner office; insanely hot blogger; (off-topic) making your ingenue plain; not understanding features; that ponzi thing; editorial sound-board; Lumbergh vibes; Fight Club and/or ghost editor; three-week ponzi story; "scams and fads"; Bill Simmons ultimatum; "but what does this all have to do with my relationships?"; "You think you can get some photos?"...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Affluent-guy social/travel club; Episode 57, "Wetwork for the America Pageant"; French pastry chef boot camp squats; Anxiety Paintball; Episode 84, "Badboy James and the Whole Hardbody Movement," and Episode 31, "Not All Tonys Are Baloney" ... Overdetermined: Load-bearing overdetermined; the climbing gym; "there's the guy from the restaurant" and "comfort me with your pain"; libertarian-guy vibes ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Teach me to run like Ben; the Hunter Pence School of Baseball; bathroom emergency; Marriage and Baby boot camps; Color of Night (again!) ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Clear enough; past-life regression; Dead Again ... Hmmm? A job interview? Hmmm ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Business-partner Chloe and transference ... Weird, unethical coda ... Who's The Real Villain: Any self-reflection; underfed fad/fraud story; totalizing female fallibility ... Rating: 2.5 ... No-chemistry sister ... Bangs ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

High school pendant symbolism ... Lesbian cat mom ... Hallmark's homophobe died ... From Plandemic to Lesbian Cat Mom ... IMDB Dive: The Soul Taker series; music video himbo ... Nina Weinman's oeuvre ... Episode 2, Ina Bruckner's Gingerbread Manhunter ... Chupacabra vs. The Alamo ... "A Shaolin Christmas" ... Bink Williams! ... Lunch isn't what it looks like ... What about fear? ... PalConnect ... Ben's Sex and the City voiceover ... Tom Waits ... Makeout Point Kimmel painting ... Bink, the Assassin ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Don't Go Breaking My Amp (Busker)."

Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback

We're adding A DASH OF LOVE (2017) and:

We're going to pass on the rolls.

THEME: THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel ... Brendan Penny heat check ... Barely a movie ... Wasted Gilpin ... Previously a book? ... Ecce Homo ... Real-movie themes ... Too false, weird and murky ... Cast Rundown ... Ben Wilkinson maxing out the Liotta ... The Expositional Challenge ... Nikki-Paul cassoulet meet-cute ... Deranged food/media depiction ... Leaden, arrhythmic pacing ... Lord Fox's Huron Fleet ... Is she carrying leeks into a YMCA? ... Extremely cold ... The back of a restaurant ... Sal ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: No, and no community ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Summer Villa meets Chopt vs. Donovan Narrates The Investor in Botown ... Stan Kroenke ... "Why did you do that, Nikki?" ... Overdetermined: Not determined enough; The Patty Duke Show, Asshole Edition; intergenerational Johnny Sack; crayons make art too; cayenne pepper and relationship material ... Diner culture ... Crossover: Goodfellas, Dellucci's, when Bae texts first; Sweetbitter ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Job talk, Delllucci's cooking talk ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Holly Hanson's meanness, funding, cooking and stealing ... Who's the Real Villain: Restaurant feudalism, funding and food culture ... Rating: 2 ... Brad Penny and the Large Lads ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cinnamon candy chili ... The other white meat ... Ingredient jump-scares ... Cadbury egg ... Increasingly upsetting food ... Community rolls ... Cardamom ... Skittlebrau ... Stew with root beer ... Valentine's ravioli and lamb mole ... Rachel Ray vibes ... Chawmp ... KFC ... Lavender Ham ... Split that loin ... Fighting the sensuality ... Joss Whedon's mom ... Two weeks...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Leftovers: Christie Will Wolf Appreciation Station ... From Silk Stalkings to Eric Mabius ... Identity Theft of a Cheerleader ... Slightly Single in LA ... Worst bro-bonding convo ever ... Reggie Miller and Shaq Appreciation Station ... Angry rehab-checking ... No dribbling for the sound guy ... Burst off the dribble ... Under the hoop ... Netless volleyball ... Silent Hill parent hug ... Monkey smuggling ... Cayenne in my dad ... Dad foodgasm ... Vulvular decor ... "Falling out" ... Endless Instagramming ... More Gilpin ... Atrocious coffee collision ... Mark Prior ... Fancy Food ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Baker Street (loop)," by Gerry Rafferty

We're the next big thing, and we're in the BEVERLY HILLS WEDDING (2021) and:

We had to cancel the Beverly Hills wedding.

THEME: "The Rockford Files," by Mike Post

PART ONE

Dave is baking evasive ... THE Beverly Hills wedding ... Dan Smith, BYU ... Edited by Valentine's, 2022 ... Go balls out ... Cast rundown, callbacks and The Hume Cronins ... The Expositional Challenge ... False twist expectation ... Lame excuses! ... Less charming hermeticism ... Covid makes Hallmark make sense ... That's great Malick

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Re-entering the cup of hot cocoa ... Spot the Angel: Terence Roquefort, but problematized ... Small town vs. Beverly Hills freaks ... "It used to be about the weddings, man" ... Eat Your Heart Out: Van crepes; green seafood puck; dessert colors; redneck voices; the worst champagne in Scotland; what about beer; Polaner All Fruit; gold dusting with a smattering of pearls; stagey class artifice ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's greater Pacific Northwest; Episode 50; Episode 69 ... Hallmark's version of fancypants ... Gray as hell ... The Powder disease ... Is this Pine Mountain? ... Fog of War soundtrack ... Robert McNamara's Overdetermined: You left, you failed a promise to your dreams, you suffocated your sister, this wedding will fail, you're an idiot ... Valentine's wedding candy invitation

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Swagony of Defeat: Nice Hyundai; Zack Snyder's Justice League; Godiva (twice) ... Crossover: "Roquefort Origins: Terence in Maine"; Malick in Maine; schnapps with or without ice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Mom/art exhibits/photography ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Homiletic husband Gary; Knox Harrington, the video artist; "otherizing" the gay character beyond Hallmark uncanniness; Terence's Wonka-esque affect ... Who's the Real Villain?: Influencer-driven conspicuous consumption ... Creeping to the glass of the critique

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Rating: 3.0 ... Shut up, Jordan ... "Watchable" ... The Leftovers: Paul Ziller's IMDB (again!), Covered in Bugs/Possessed by Demons ... Worms! ... Just try a sweepstakes ... Hugh's ... It's Spagett! ... Jordan's opinion, not needed ... Out of your element, Jordan ... Haunted Jason Mraz-style Weezer cover ... They used "Hash Pipe!" ... Hallmark showed feet ... Tandem bike ... Abraham Lincoln ... iZombie, Marine sequel, the Craig Zahler universe crossover ... Urban clearance ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Cop Killer [8-bit John Maus cover]"

SARA KATE WILKINSON and MAURA QUINT ice over CRANBERRY CHRISTMAS (2020) and:

Gabe had to go live on the cranberry farm

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

We bought the farm! ... Meet Maura ... Losing your Hallmark virginity ... A manifestation of a sick society ... The Don Jr. Face Spectrum ... Canadian cocaine ... Children shouldn't ice skate

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: The Oprah-esque Pamela Franks, a sister dating again ... 45-minute story ... Estrangement without divorce ... Sexless married reunion ... Mistletoe bed/belt ... Spot the Angel: Pamela/Oprah; everyone in the town; grandma with an Instagram ... Was Dawn Pamela's second choice? ... Pity the rich person's commute ... Hallmark having it both ways ... "Ugh! We doubled our land!" ... Overdetermined: "Just DO the work"

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: Frozen hot chocolate in outdoor Maine Christmas festival; cookie butter; homemade marshmallows; boxes of bread; orange and purple Christmas-tree pizzas; red-pepper tinsel; "assume Carl's Jr."; cranberry coffee syrup; the secret ingredient on Chopt; lifestyle tour brainstorming; zero yeast infections; crueler marshmallows ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 64, 70-73, 83, 94

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Deranged news producer; Martha Stewart's prison bog work; selling this farm to real Oprah; Stars Hollow vibes; The Tommy Westphal universe of Taylor Doese ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Sisters and hip granny; childish ambition; camera talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Gabe's ability to love ... Who's the Real Villain: Headstrong ladies; time; refusing to communicate ... A couple in years of therapy ... Do these people have cell phones? ... Designed, artisanal engagement ring ... Rating: 2 ... An age-appropriate couple ... Blinds

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Making a beautiful actress dowdy ... A vengeful Director of Photography ... Schrödinger's cranberry bog ... Competent Covid logistics ... Other networks' movies ... Hunks of Hallmark (again) ... He went upstate to live on the cranberry farm ... "No! The house doesn't miss me at all!" ... Every ornament shattered, box fine ... Homemade ornaments ... Not to be rude about the Hallmark Gold and Crown store, but ... It's good that you feel bad ... Hallmark Roast ... Varieties of Hallmark parents ... IMDB dive ... Linda-Lisa ... The long haul with Joie Botkin ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The Liberty Bell March" by John Philip Sousa

Follow Maura on Twitter: @Behindyourback

Follow Sara Kate on Twitter: @SaraKateW

We speak to the dead for A NASHVILLE CHRISTMAS CAROL (2020) and:

We are doing this cold open live ... The Francesa Voice ... Four letters, starts with D

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Buster Poindexter ... Show business ... Terry Benedict's podcast ... The Elliot Gould of this podcast ... Podcast crisis hotline ... Defenseless before Hallmark vibes ... Country musician cats, prehabilitated Scrooge

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... "Dragon lady" on the set ... Rich person's fan script or free singer promo? ... Made by a scion of Kix Brooks ... Chet's Galaxy ... More Kasem ... 10-year overlooked phone call ... Dead and chill

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Come on, man ... Kimberly Williams-Paisley, dramatic interping ... Lazy British accents ... Woo Girl Paula Deen ... Eat Your Heart Out: No savories, peppermint brittle, red onions, no Kitchen Aid mixer, bad spatula ... Dennis Miller interlude ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Specter of Chet's Galaxy; Hallmark's Great Silent Majority; Wings of Desire, but outside Nashville

Break: "Himmel über Berlin," by Jurgen Knieper

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Jarring oafishness of ghost scenes vs. clash of lessons ... Just omit the lesson and omit existing intellectual property ... Crossover: A Hellraiser puzzle box that brings lesson-giving Cenobites vs. hangin' with Jesse Farrar vs. Pussy Relief 2021 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Pass! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Both musicians, potentially dead parents, AI dad ... Christmas really just makes these crazier ... Who's the Real Villain?: The music business/Chet ... Bitching about music video budgets ... Stop saying his name ... Just make it 5 percent more real

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Rating: 2 ... The Leftovers: Ten years is still too long at 30 ... Eric Brooks' You're Going to Miss Me ... "Drop her, creep" ... Belinda Carlisle ... luuuv too hug the head of the studio ... Haunting Covid signifier ... Old Tom Cruise on-set rant anecdote ... Ambivalence about the risk of making this movie ... Visualizing explaining why you're in the hospital ... Bill Kurtis ... Press button, receive plot ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, and "Accidental Racist," by Brad Paisley feat. LL Cool J

We get handsome and competent with THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE (2020) and:

Treat Williams is not in The Substitute ... It's natural and OK to talk about Treat Williams ... Wrong movie ... Daybrooding ... Sniper

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Handsome Podcast ... Whaddaya want, it's good ... Podcast business ... The shortcomings of "Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean" ... IT'S FINE!!! DO NOTHING!!! ... Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Cast rundown ... Marvel vs. Vigor ... The Expositional Challenge ... Breaking ground on gay kisses, adoption and parental separation ... Robert Buckley Appreciation Station ... Annnnd the interracial pairing ... Tamales and regular wine drinking ... Jeb's post in the Post ... Hallmark movie, real reactions ... Decent uncle ... Finally, an out Jonathan Bennett character ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: Too normal ... No Rothery ... Eat You Heart Out: Masa scones, tamales, spicy hot chocolate, cocoa and cookies (but not in excess) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A lawyer show that could actually be on Hallmark or in any Hallmark movie; the greater NYC Hallmark blob; the Treat Williamsphall Universe ... Overdetermined: Heavy-handed yet passable; Angie Everheart; early kludgy chemistry; mom and dad's mass quit ... Cincinnati chili again

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Crossover: It's already a romcom; The Family Stone genre; Treat Williams as a substitute teacher; Dennis Franz as the dad; you're not going to like whose butt it is; The Big Chill, but Santa's dead ... Sipowicz, Mamie Gummer, Anya, Uma, Wrenn Schmidt, Nute Gunray ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Implied real estate ... America's Voice ... Wife as hobby ... Bobsled friendship ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Marvelous Jim ... Partner Chat: Grift Body Spray; if these were Brits, it'd just be a regular romcom; Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; quality fluffing; Christmas drought; Salem's Lot; inflatables; court decor; sez you ... Great Moments In Moppetry: 2, for volume ... Ballbusting ... Who's the Real Villain: Non-union reality programming ... CBS's Handsome Justice ... High-low Hallmarky set design ... The Doink Doink ... Rating: 4.5

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

The Leftovers: Who taught dad PowerPoint? ... Anya Ayora, eternal Cruz ... Screenwriter Erin Rodman, rebounding legend ... Non-consensual Instagram advertising ... Employee no-selling recognition ... Mom razzing kids ... Wise younger brother ... Strong himbo vibes ... Snack cringe ... Shutting down the florid declaration ... Enchantment Under the Vaseline flashback ... Lot Cop: Look at the back of the damn tree because of spiders ... Judy Tenuta ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, and "Spider," by They Might Be Giants

BRANDI BROWN joins us for GARAGE SALE MYSTERY: THE ART OF MURDER (2017) and:

A message about our namechange.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Let's cancel! ... First, dead family, THEN pandemic ... April 13, 2019 ... Kill your computer ... Grandma troll wants the cusses ... Comic books and Hubert Humphrey

Break: "Hubert Humphrey," by The Knuckle Sandwiches

PART TWO

The Extra Hot Great podcast universe ... Lori Loughlin ... Hallmark samizdat ... Missing Loughlin ... Superutility Sarah Strange ... Weak mystery ... The Expositional Challenge ... Cast rundown ... Plot Mop-Up ... Giant warehouse, no job ... Sorority PTA ... College is high school; high school is college ... Cropsy ... Chunks of real effort ... Un-inventoried weird art in The Kingdom of Spiders

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel/Criminal: Red paint Jackoff Pollock ... Work lazy, crime hard ... Do you have a fence? ... Just sell out! ... Angelic mom-volunteering ... Kappa Kappa Kappa ... Mom-Daughter casting ... Jackee, Jasmine Guy, Tatyana Ali ... Eat Your Heart Out: Vibrational food; Keith Raniere's cult vegetables; Kramer-like cop; pizza-order clowning; randomized plausible foods; raw eggplant; Dispensary Mysteries

Break: "Jammin'," by Bob Marley and The Simpsons

PART FOUR

Extremely shitty audio engineering ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Jen/Dani podcast; food truck universe; junk shop, Good Witch's shop, Anthropologie, a chocolatier ... Canadian accents in Louisiana, Missouri ... Overdetermined: Red paint; zesty hack; overdrawn "evil" stepdaughter ... Crossover: Sarah Strange for anything; NXIVM for food; Safe-like environmental sensitivity; Jen vs. Jessica Fletcher; Hallmark mystery Grand Slam ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dani, the Dad ... Cartoon bear ... You never leave ... Actually, everyone's a replicant ... Hummuside

Break: "David Duke Is Running for President," by Skankin Pickle

PART FIVE

Who's the Real Villain: Helicopter parenting, underfunding the arts, toxic masculinity, lack of safety net ... Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: What happened to the garage sale? ... Buying stolen goods ... Twin Peaks/Law & Order ominous tones ... Tina, gut-shot champ ... Director K.T. Donaldson ... Synchronized bedtime ... Congrats on the sex ... Buying classic cars for fun ... Meghan Markle's coming back ... Mortimer B. Croup ... Rich people inventory art ... Carrying Linwood's ass ... Mark Brandon Appreciation Station again ... Pete Wells ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Bill Corbett's Funhouse

Follow Brandi on Twitter!

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING take a trip to NORTHPOLE (2014) and: Robots, they're just like us ... Classic Tudyk ... THEME ... Joe E. Tata ... Plugs! ... Sequel book ... No Swank ... "Enough" ... Dina Meyer ... Ridgewood, NJ. 07450 ... Pleasantly surprised ... Accidentally in Love ... Paula Abdul's "Itty Bitty Titty Committee" number ... The Mac Rangers ... Wanting to talk about Fastlane ... Tiffany Thiessen's cooking show ... Cast Rundown and The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Nothing; you get one sproing ... More careful, more expensive ... Authentically cold ... Bailey Madison, SVU ... The John Munch Hallmark Universe ... Hallmark one-timers ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Clementine, Santa, an elfiverse ... Journalismism: Dictating to copy desk; crossword and northern lights; legit hardball; mysterious old man; correcting the TV; ask a follow-up; the Elf/Developer Trust Continuum; getting a friend fired; "Butthole Eaten at Lions Tailgate"; bold quitting ... Eat Your Heart Out: Wack elf measurements; dismembered snowman ice cream cake; no savories; the Guild of Yummy ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Priscilla Presley back from Christmas at Graceland II; Gus van Houten's avuncular developer; Wedding March 17: Hit or Mistletoe; the Santa and Only Child buddy universe ... Overdetermined: The Northern Lights Cycle of Happiness; everything; Ryan lecturing Chelsea; their 16-minute emotional journey ... Crossover: Ryan as a brother in While You Were Sleeping; the Perfect Boobs Ladies Detective Agency; a Dark City for the North Pole; The Santa Con ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folger's crystals tubbb; the Hallmark Northpole Find-Me Santa light ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ryan, debatably; Jenkins, editor-in-chief ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Older, inconsistently bantery, slightly precious, 1.5 ... Every other kid in this movie sucks ... SnOMG, it's Dazzy Clementine ... BREAK ... Who's the Real Villain?: Clementine's costumer, jumping to conclusions, science, austerity, institutionalizing bullying ... Rating: 4 ... A good use of Robert Wagner ... Now accepting walk-ins ... The Tampa Bay Rays Hallmark lead draft ... Ugly to all fields ... The Leftovers: Mrs. Robert Wagner ... Sucky dad ... Actual Thiessen husband ... Tiffany Thiessen's cooking show again ... Christopher Walken in Northpole ... Boosting non-union reindeer ... Eco-quitter ... Eight movies ... Spooky Buddies ... Plugs again! ... Deer's ears ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC:"Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Theme from Beverly Hills 90120 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

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