It's Christmastown

SARA KATE WILKINSON exclaims YOU'RE BACON ME CRAZY (2020) and we choose between: The heart or the sandwich ... THEME ... No! Plans! Til Flag Day! ... Governor-Mayor prank fight ... "Kind of a DUI Guy" ... Jamaican Me Crazy ... Oover ... Donut Go Breaking My Heart ... Zero conflict ... Sara Kate check-in: These are slickly generic now ... A boring misunderstanding of food trucks ... Framed-photo food truck ... Dull, but adult! ... Sous vide chicken breast ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Olivia Steele-Falconer and Rhiannon Fish ... The Expositional Challenge: 39 seconds, a new record ... Plot Mop-Up: Food truck followers; disputed BLP; a tepid chef's past; a family realty ... Spot the Angel: "A plot was discharged" ... Tessa saboteur ... Cleo Martinelli's blonde pizza gestures ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: WTC Skyline Chili in Portland; Nate's Kevin Love trajectory; Casey Manderson as Brittany Bristow; tulips, Dellavadova, sandwiches and Quato; page A1 Amy Acker restaurant review ... Lincoln Rhyme: The Hunt for the Bonefish Grill ... Crossover: Cleo on Top Chef; The B-Team; Cleo chasing Ratatouille ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: No confrontation; expo dumps; slight teases; nothing ... Getting picked up in a farmer's market/Getting negged in a farmer's market ... Michael Rady: The Hallmark Paul Rudd ... Rating: 2.5 ... Got the Hibbert in ... INTERMISSION ... Eat Your Leftovers Out: What do you know about persimmons? ... I woulda never thoughta that! ... Smashing wack fruit ... Persimmon: rare for a reason ... Heavy metal music cue ... Neck tattoo of a fork ... Tribbiani-voiced call-in order ... Bacon Jammer/Bacon Stack ... Sriracha-braised cheesesteak ... Big Italian sandwiches ... Spooky Buddies Mysteries (Air Bud Canon) ... Spring movie theme aimlessness ... Cold opening-day weather ... Fun elbow swiping ... Housebroken love of teenager jokes ... BREAK ... Bread note, bread hipsterdom, shut the bread up ... Bread sweatin' ... "Is that cilantro?" ... The "Have Fun!" food competition ... New flavors ... Foodie paradise ... "Flavor sauce" ... The secret ingredient is love ... Fluffy meatballs ... Ranunculus ... The heart of the highway ... BOOK REPORT: "You're Bacon Me Crazy" ... Optioning the Highlights universe ... Allan Harmon filmography: Police Academy, The Net, Untold Stories of the ER (Skewered Skydivers, Pipe in Head, Ice-Cold Mom, Radioactive Rocks/Poked by a Cactus, The Littlest Stroke, Extra Dose: Turtle Trouble) ... Julie Warner and sexual intrigue ... Michael Rady's maybe sincere Stockholm Syndrome interview ... Last-second added conflict ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "The Reward Is the Cheese," by Deadmau5 • "Intermission Music," from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail • "Bacon Fat," by Andre Williams • "Know Your Chicken," by Cibo Matto • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We find the novel coronavirus A NOVEL ROMANCE (2015) and: Leave the long beat in there ... THEME ... Asymptomatic Patreon pitch ... Bill Mitchell's diarrhea conspiracy ... Worst version of a familiar plot ... Very sneaky, sir ... Tommy Bahama-ass chat look ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Orphan Black boyfriend ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's do some addendums ... Jackie Facilitatrix ... A forensic accounting of BadBoy James ... Not Portland, Maine ... A Frankenstein of failed Hallmark screenplays ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Possibly Jackie, beneficent over-manager ... Almost an Angelfire blog ... Journalismism: A long beat about staff cutbacks; extreme opinions, web hits; August Cools Off; ID your book critic; these idiots would pivot to video; uncomfortably real; Riveting Reads dot Com; Record Building; cutting the arts department last; Journalism 101; we love Burkeman, folks ... Wealthy, retired bathroom cop ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Not All Tony's Are Baloney journalism creep; the Neurotic Hallmark Heroine Literary Agency; commenter drama ... Meet Me in Temecula ... Call me worm ... Overdetermined: BadBoy James exposition dump; Dylan Moran in Shaun of the Dead vibes; Casey Manderson, repeat supporting creep; nothing has happened; bookworm v. batboy; terrifyingly childish love; framed photo already ... BREAK ... Crossover: BadBoy James and Any Given Sunday ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: We think so? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Almost everybody; Charles S. Dutton's magical minority; Dutton selling placeholder text ... A sports bar that hates sports ... Rating: 2.5, for trying ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Bonefish is waiiiiiting ... Book critic in a sports bar ... Getting centered in Portland, staring at family portraits ... Redeye logistics ... First-class drinking ... Mark Griffiths, Feldman, Haim, McBride, Hardbodies and Hardbodies 2 ... Huggo ... The Whole Hardbody Movement ... Dangerous in first class ... Lincoln Rhyme ... Poor running form ... "Maybe I'm Dwyane Wade" ... Frankfurt Club ... Electric Banana vs. (Hey Now) Niel, Portland Band ... Seems you're a magnet for tragedy ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Read It in Books (John Peel Session)," by Echo & The Bunnymen • "The Book I Read," by Talking Heads • "U2 (Special Edit Radio Mix)," by Negativland • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

There's no quarantine delivery so we shop LOVE IN STORE (2020), and: We're talking about Buckley ... THEME ... Our quarantine drug regimens ... Alcohol's time to shine! ... Toddler elbow drop ... Brandi update ... Can you rewatch this? ... Coach's clipboard ... Hallmark housebroken ... Kinetic directing ... TNT Original Series Leverage ... MST3K Channel ... Almost never fascist ... Just Shoot Me ... Nailing the leitmotif ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Spot the Angel: Jackée, the trickster god ... We're talking about Pompey, talking about Crassus ... Eat Your Heart Out: Tandem-bike picnic; horizontally stored cheese assortment; corporate break room and snack plates; butter-popcorn jelly beans; overbearing, unpalatable chips; chipotle steak rub; remarkably normal food ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips and Episodes 11 and 53; Episode 55's nautical issues; Episode 51's house-flippers; Episode 68's marriage reality show; Episode 76's travel shows; Episode 17's clothes; Episodes 10 and 22's secondhand clothes ... Goth conversion therapy ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Amy's trip report on Episode 82's Love's Complicated ... Overdetermined: Authentic escape-room content vs. The caveman theme vs. "I love your co-host!" vs. Vacuuming and imperfection ... Robert Buckley Appreciation Station ... Increasingly thankless iZombie role ... Rob Thomas Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Crossover: An iZombie recap trauma swap vs. Disclosure/Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf/The War of the Roses ... Rick Reuschel bobblehead ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: ??? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Humanesque ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Highly efficient 2 ... Rating: 4.5 ... Great callback ending ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Massive SHC product integration and a return to Balsam Hill; White Collar's Ford Focus; Organic swag ... The Leftovers: There's no store ... Francesa fart noise ... Smokey Robinson and real, good music ... Unexcruciating dance number ... This wasn't on the way to school ... The bizarre centrality of a shopping channel in their private lives ... Watching game tape ... "Love on the Hallmark Channel" ... Moonlighting ... Matryoshka Hallmark movie ... Kate validating our enjoyment ... IMDB Dive: More Paul Ziller and Untold Stories of the ER ... Joie Botkin ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Dazzle (Glamour Mix)," by Siouxie and the Banshees • "Careless Whisper," by George Michael • "Smooth (Instrumental)," by Santana • "White Collar Closing Theme" • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We commandeer a grocery store because LOVE'S COMPLICATED (2016) for: Tony "Jody" LaRussa ... THEME ... Mustard on the intro ... Let's get unprofessional ... Confirming the Worsening Hallmark Hypothesis ... A cromulent rom-com that got made for Hallmark ... Tie Domi jersey ... Unavoidably Canadian ... Surreality is its own authenticity ... The David Lynch-Errol Morris Continuum ... Precious Chong ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Stevedore actors ... The Expositional Challenge: Success! ... A B-plot Dream Team of conflict-resolution patients ... Invasive/intimate concluding therapy confrontation ... Completely demented therapy ... Therapy gift certificates ... Torturing grocery store workers ... Breaking down harassment game tape ... Robert McNamara's Rules of Retail War ... A hostile clothing return ... NSC-68 ... Timberlake's boutique denim ... Cartoonishly evil manager ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Goose egg! ... Journalismism: Intense Leno vibes ... Steven Seagal is Taliban ... Shock jock literary review ... WEEI's Event Horizon ... Hallmark shock-jocks: Uncompromisingly centrist ... Confusing Corbin Bernsen and Joe Theismann ... Emotional dad-poisoning ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Fancy restaurant, the same order; cohabitate already; McLovin; Crepe Suzette; it's such a spectacle; wincingly alcoholic wine; everything hard to pronounce ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A stable of neurotic Hallmark-heroine memoirists vs. Meddling publishers from Episode 25, So Fuck You Edith Wharton and Episode 57, Wetwork for the American Pageant ... Paris Harris and a legitimate book blurb ... Overdetermined: "Things are just as they should be" and maximum cringe vs. Insufficiently overdetermined therapy ... Pitching changes with Jody Bellarussa ... Underexplored metatextual call-in radio conversation ... Jody, can you turn your radio down? ... BREAK ... Crossover: The Color of Night vs. Pig Vomit ... Sybian on the radio ... The Hallmark Bechdel and Voight-Kampff Tests: Yes, No ... Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: "Trudeau" ... A cop mom from Dare Me ... A reasonably logical useless ex ... Cinco, an orchid and powerful Hallmark sexual tension ... The Merry Madness Christmas Bracket ... Eerie ballerina ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Sailing," by Christopher Cross • "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Ireland stays FOREVER IN MY HEART (2019), but: It's Ryan Fitzpatrick again ... Harvard Boy ... Kicked by a donkey or slapped by an elephant's trunk? ... The greatest QB of his era ... BREAK ... Interrupted intro ... Happy birthday! ... Uncular ... Six weeks off ... Annual January depression ... Crown Media sources ... Jeb's dad injuries ... Backup dad Ryan Fitzpatrick ... The 25th best in your world at your job ... Foreign architecture, busted ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... "Are these movies getting worse?" ... Authentic oofs, recycled beats ... Playing with the boys ... Plotless exhaustion ... Overnighter execution ... Prison Planet and creeping seasoning ... The stickiness of unique features ... Flooding the zone, goosing the numbers ... A Mountaintop Removal Christmas ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Return to form ... Dalkey ... Plot wrap-up ... Old lady's dirty weekend ... The Twinkling Isle ... Spot the Angel: None! ... My heart will Ashokan Farewell ... Eat Your Heart Out: Incredible-looking food; traditional breakfast and gorgeous scones; tea abundance; 3 beers and Shit London Guinness; David Roth's food fails ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Pugsley Hotel Chain vs. Generational wealth from European warfare ... Overdetermined: Bizarrely gentle breakup with Dave vs. Patrick, Charlie and second chances ... Rung up by the Mom Show ... Crossover: The Matchmaker vs. The Quiet Man vs. Local Hero vs. Simply Dave holding back the jokes ... Letters to Santa: Michael T's friend in Hopedale, Dave's visit to Cooperstown, America's Golden Door, and Nick's Quadruple H (Hallmark Holiday Hegemony Hypothesis) ... Adding jargon to more ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Steven R. Monroe and I Spit on Your Grave ... Product placement crisps ... Making the keychains more fun ... "Festival season kicks off in a week!" ... Inspiring and mostly cloudy ... Half a year in Columbus alone ... Confessions for scones ... "Like changing the font?" ... Rating: 2.5 ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "The Sunnyside of the Street," by The Pogues • "Playing with the Boys" by Kenny Loggins • "Hell's Ditch," by The Pogues • "How Could I Be Wrong," by The Auteurs • "The Game (Triple H's Theme)," by Motörhead • "Lullaby of London," by The Pogues • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

CHRIS COLLISION opts for A BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS (2019) and: Kim Jong-un's perfume ad ... THEME ... Collective hangovers ... The movie is our fault ... Opening old beer ... I studied The Blade ... Foyer or Foyer ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Vindication! ... Plot wrap-up ... Not an actual movie ... Overlook Hotel Caretaker ... Spot the Angel: Mrs. Sacks, hotel haint; African-American prospective buyer; no angel candidate; Paul Auster and later DeLillo; Rachael Leigh Cook's Willow ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, cider, cocoa; no lids; wan sugar Paula Deen-ass cookies; a world without cookie toppings; Oh, Walnuts!; no savory food; plate of uncooked kale; flat, sad champagne; legitimate fruitcake gag; Brogan's Diner ... When Rachael Leigh Cook is Rachael Leigh Cook ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tepid water metaphor; Mistletoe Inn book workshop crossover; law office for acquiring Hallmark inheritances; map of Canada; doppelgängers ... The Clonus Horror ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Men's Crazy Cat Man Ugly Christmas Sweater; roadie reps; martinis available in Midway, Utah; moving to Utah because of A Boyfriend for Christmas; how to get your brothers into Hallmark hot takes; Charles Durning as Santa Clause; Bruce Yams; A Kim Jong-un Hallmark Christmas Movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Love object, or building; over-parallelism; pretending you don't know you're in love; a six-minute span of treacly nostalgia; "Christmas Games" (1993) ... Crossover: The Prisoner; it's not like other movies; The Others ... Beat the Geeks ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Reference in another Hallmark movie; also, yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Benjamin (David Lyndon) and chemistry; Brothers McMullen; Ben's mom's haunted fifth-act talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Too much moppet; bollard pull; Lina Renna trying to dial it back; 4 ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Snow on the roof and nowhere else ... "We're doing 5 nativities" ... Assessing the nativity market ... Eagle Ridge, not Blue Ridge ... David Winning, who killed my baby? ... A Ruby Ridge Christmas ... Now that's paper ... Why did you wrap in memories for warmth? ... Based on the book ... Hallmark's Q-Anon ... Neil LaBute ... Erotic step-siblings ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Grave Architecture," by Pavement • "She's All That Freestyle" • "My My My My Mitchell," by Hoyt Axton • "No Motherland Without You," by The DPRK National Orchestra • "Wicked Game," by Bossasonic • "Kiss Me," by Sixpence None the Richer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

KAREN GEIER laces up her black-and-white Nikes for CHRISTMAS AT GRACELAND: HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (2019) and journeys to: An important announcement ... THEME ... Oprah intro ... Hallucinating your own death ... Cult podcasts and grief ... Hallmark, holidays and cult behavior ... Caganer update ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Plot in One Segment: Back from Europe, on a couch, taking every job ... Thin plot, montages, filler ... Disrupting HIPAA for for-profit hospitals ... Insane fundraiser and Graceland gala ... Yule logs, tree shopping and decorating ... More filler kid-montages and a last-minute quit ... Priscilla Presley ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Harper's sister, or just Harper ... Adrian Grenier's Oh No! hair ... Eat Your Heart Out: A yule football phone; a toilet seat of dessert; sandwich error; kitchen flour explosion; "We're baking!"; cutting ones ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Back to Grace Lint for horror-romance and former bandmates ... Remembering last year's movie ... Overdetermined: Negging into domesticity vs. The Kids Need Structure ... Crossover: Hallmark's Extra-Pregnant "Entourage" with murder vs. Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman save Graceland vs. A Fugue of Doubtfires ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! Plus a silent husband ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: HusboBot 2.0 vs. Priscilla hostage-haunting Graceland ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4 ... AIR BUD DEFEATS PORKY'S ... Rating: 2 ... Realtor staging a murder house ... Fake snow residue, ill-placed wadding ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Authentic Memphis International Airport Experience, with Minority ... Accept the job, change the job, hold the job hostage ... Absentee parents ... Color-rinsed exteriors ... McMansions nearly dwarfing Graceland ... Identical dead-mom photos ... Don't tinsel like Elvis ... Europe: The shopping is amazing! ... Corning's rotating glass wall ... Plugs! ... Misbehavin' ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Pope," by Prince • "Elvis and Bears," by The Red Elvises • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne • Check out Karen's podcasts and other work here.

CHARLES STAR and ROBERT WHEEL pair up for a HOLIDAY DATE (2019) and: Act cool in the hardware store ... THEME ... Patty and Shelby shout ... Truly vs. Claw ... Foremost Jewish thinkers ... Hallmark's first "Hanukkah" movie ... Unfamiliar with Christmas AND Hanukkah ... Jeb screws up the actor name ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... "Plot in Philly" ... Bad fake architect, bad everything ... "I've never had ham" ... Jewish prayers and phlegm ... Insulting to Christians ... Prayer horn ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Theological soundness and/or Teryl Rothery ... Classic Lines: The Emo Philips/Anna Wintour continuum; old things are better ... Eat Your Heart Out: Jelly donuts, the Israeli import; sour cream AND apple sauce; asshole restaurant set; Ethan's Nick Swisherness and rehabilitation; is Ethan a sit-wiper; bagels and lox; Israeli salad; tzimmes; Ashkenazi-Sephardic schism ... Bobby's goodbye ... BREAK ... Plugs ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Vivica Fox's white-slavery goth-conversion boutique ... Overdetermined: Father's gruff exterior; the family's anthropological interest in his Jewishness ... Charles visits Indiana at Christmas ... Eating all the popcorn ... Actors aren't criminals ... BREAK ... Shtetl Pass ... Crossover: Scarecrow and Mr. Grunt; the Waiting for Guffman 'verse ... Immigrant/exchange student vibes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Joel, hands down; not understanding a hammer or method; Glen's humiliation relationship ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 2 ... Rating: 1 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Terrible acting advice ... Written at a child's level ... Amy Klobuchar jokes ... Dad's hysterically joyful weeping ... Doesn't understand theater ... Phillies, Eagles, 76ers ... "A very troubling year for this player" ... Menorah gift ... Interfaith Spencer's gift ... Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Shlepp the Halls with Loaves of Hallah," by The Three Weissmen • "Latkes" by Sam Glaser • "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," by The Klezmonauts • "We Wish You a Klezmer Christmas," by Lauren Bernofsky • "(I'm Spending} Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

MEREDITH HAGGERTY returns to get WRITE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2019) and, actually: It's a holiday from holidays ... THEME ... Love, actually 50 percent shorter ... Cast of lug nuts ... Good premise, big swing, not enough movie ... Death cards ... Hanged Jesus and Boston racial violence ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Lachey manque ... Plot in One Segment: Santa bed ... Optician ... Romcom proposal breakup ... Plot sampler! ... Beasley callback ... Lolita Davidovich thirst trap ... Oversharing dog-based romance ... Orphanages and cello teachers ... When a hot guy follows you into your house ... When he shows up at work ... Card-based parenting decisions ... Hallmark boy band ... Primo and a prima donna ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Hallmark cards, animal fat ... Seasonal bed ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bouncers, tabloids and candy canes; marshmallows; water in wine glasses; Primo's, Sarasota and tea houses; dogs, fruitcake and doorstops ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: 2006's The Christmas Card and Pvt. Jessica Lynch vs. Michaels, but for supernatural Christmas supplies vs. the pan-Chicago Hallmark zone ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Luke's picture and journey to Club Motion vs. Exposition bleeding over timelines and Stay in Your Lane, Grandma, and Don't Bring Up Death vs. Jane Mansfield death car (Crossover) intrusion and lassoing the moon and Primo's camera monologue ... Five minute psycho speed-dating and elevator creeping ... Crossover: Mimi's birthing decisions vs. Scrote, and Chicago Cello vs. Cop out ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Hallmark "Hanukkah" movies; Last Ship nostalgia; Andy G's notes about Christmas tree lots and free hot drinks ... LOT COP: Trees facing wrong on the car and going into a house, twice; business class Christmas; Christmas-tree lot banter, bourbon bluffers and dads in Home Depot ... The Swagony of Defeat: Cards, plug ... Lila got card-jobbed ... Over-50 communities ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Jessica, Mimi and Cello dreams ... Deliberately tragic first impression ... Pro-Confederacy local orchestra ... Jewish-penned carols ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Luke, creepy person not a creepy robot; the happy-go-lucky ex Wes; Mimi's child-rearing by card; Wes's sample size of dislike ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5, for Love Actually'ing without "moments"; a mediocre but game attempt; fewer cards next time ... The Leftovers: Jax, and the happiest loser band in the world ... Purple theme, purple theme ... Insane and confusing timeline ... Sir Robert Peel ... Chad Michael Murray's incredible filmography ... Herman's Head and Xuxa ... An oral history of the dog eating the heart ... Magically starting an abandoned car ... Getting advice from your romantic rival ... Adoption whimsy journalism ... Getting a gig writing fake copy ... You try doing the segues, Dave ... Podcast scoliosis ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Used to Believe," by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists • "All or Nothing" by O-Town • "You Raise Me Up," by Josh Groban • "Chick Magnet," by MxPx • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

ROBERT WHEEL returns for THE MISTLETOE SECRET (2019) and might get: Lubricious ... Always bet on Duffles ... Underused Patrick Duffy ... Improved Hallmark experience ... Moments of Mirth ... Competent leads, improved Pickler ... Kathleen Madigan on Kellie Pickler ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... Patrick Monahan shout-out ... Uneven pacing, treading water ... Sterling Masters' heel j-turn ... Hallmark's version of Cyrano ... Spot the Angel: Duffy, brassy broad, Aria and Midway itself ... Misrepresenting rural Utah ... BREAK ... Journalismism: Implausible writing gifts; mischaracterizing producers; Sterling Masters is in The Bubble; Aria's teenage writing fandom; huge travel influencer; tweet, snap, share and 'gram it; mystery novel; acceptable resentment ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Waitress shout-out; mistletoe man meringue; nutcrackers, Robert Wheel namin' nuts; popcorn chewing in the dark; mistletoe martini; rural Utah blue laws; marshmallow expertise; Christmas pickle, German tradition; ordering for the lady; almost a real courtship; John DeLorean's flourless coke spoon ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Adrian Grenier's Utah; Romneys on the BYU team; uncomfortable allusions ... Overdetermined: A Taste of New Haven Passport vs. The Mistletoe Man vs. Sitcom cutoff dialogue vs. "Take a risk!" ... Tolstoyan allegory ... Crossover: Alex and Sterling's comeuppance and/or body-swapping; Squiggy; No Country for Elf Men ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Balsam Hill ornaments, again; a Belsnickel Christmas ... Hallmark's The Magic Mountain, Death on Christmas and Buddenbrooks ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Devoured by Christmas ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Sterling Masters' turtle hat vs. Craig, volunteer Uberist, Get Out and Christmas ... Rating: 3 ... House flipping, again ... Tyler Hynes Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: [LINK] Cronenberg cat sweater [LINK] ... 30-50 feral cats ... Pass the Bedazzler ... Self-negotiation ... Is Santa's workshop nearby? ... Farewell shooting star ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Joy to the World," by The Klezmonauts • "Misbehavin' (1989)" by Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy • "Edelweiss (Instrumental)," by JJ Heller • "Girls of Porn," by Mr. Bungle • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane