It's Christmastown

NICK BOND takes us on a CHRISTMAS SCAVENGER HUNT (2019) to look for: Tom Arnold is sick ... THEME ... Brainwash your parents ... Sharing Hallmark with socialist whodunit mom ... Bona fides check ... Really enjoying the movie ... Saddam Hussein is so handsome ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: A Dark Abyss ... Plot mop-up ... Flip your damn tie ... Hallmark people being normal people ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or Tom Arnold ... Naturalistic acting, or is the movie just in his house? ... Illness vs. Stroke ... Eat Your Heart Out: Ham yes, phones no; new rib recipe; emoting via food, but not eating feelings; giant pot of chili; I need Christmas fuel; don't you wish there was a better way; hot chocolate errand; a sea of gravy; upgrade your bird; a Wine Clown's alienating dining behavior; silk tie ... BREAK ... Patreon plug ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: New England or Pittsburgh?; wandering into Falling for Vermont; Gail Is the Haint; Garbage Store Mysteries; The Stars Hollow Man and bonding over dumb male trauma; friending exes on Facebook ... Overdetermined: Constant, workable overdeterminacy vs. marriage is not a binary choice ... BREAK ... Crossover: There Will Be Blood vs. Dark Knight Rises and Wonder Boys ... Alfred Pennyworth, Things of That Nature ... The Swagony of Defeat: More Balsam Hill ornaments, Hallmark card ... Are there stationary stores anymore? ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, but with a C- average ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Maybe Logan, but the plot lets everyone be fully formed ... BREAK ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 5, via extra troop ... I want my mom home from the war ... Satellite Marine Corps museum campus ... Hallmark Make-a-Wish child ... We love you, America ... Rating: A juicy 4 ... The Leftovers: Whoa, wife loathing ... The Yeti thing ... 311 ... Screen bugs obscuring clues ... "One of exclaim" ... Snow globe hoarder ... Childhood bedroom living-room suite ... IMDB Dive: I downloaded a ghost and want my pants back ... Hearts of Spring callback ... Nick's plugs ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Common Man Boogie (Dusty Rhodes Theme)," by Jimmy Hart and JJ Maguire • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We close our eyes to PICTURE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS (2019) and see: Honkey Grandma be trippin' ... THEME ... Hello again to the AI horse ... Two good leads, one frictionless movie and one maximally shoplifted pootie ... Merritt Patterson and Jon Cor Appreciation Station ... Desi Jedeikin shout-out ... Authentic trauma ... Bad parenting, out-of-control moppeting ... David Brooks Castigation Station ... BREAK ... Neurotic vamping ... Plot in one sentence ... Stay in your lane, gramma ... Plot in 15 ... Texting joke and normal texting ... Famous people in your contacts ... Pageant and Wicker Man season ... Conversationally overcompensating ... Troy Murphy Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... A surplus of borrowed plots ... Spot the Angel: Grandma Louise vs. Moppet Troy ... Poultice guy ... Eat Your Heart Out: Green cookies; cupcakes and getting put on blast by Jodi; fake-drinking cappuccino; hot cocoa at a tree farm; snarfing a mug of whipped cream; Troy, WTF???; a pot roast spoken of ... Jewish pot roast ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Angry letter; a merch inquiry about our talking AI horse toy with articulated limbs; algorithmic Facebook ads ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Lucky in Love, toxic executivity; Seattle's Best Business Bachelor; Hannibal Lecter and Kenny Chesney ... Overdetermined: Santa, get me a mom for Christmas vs. Grandma not staying in her lane; Grandma horniness ... BREAK ... Crossover: Agent Cody Banks 3: Destination Stepmom ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, uh, but ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Can you be an angel, a grandma and a skinjob? ... Senior citizen ha-ha horny hoarders ... Local Citizen Pasted in Puss with Puss ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4 ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Grandma Demon ... Higgins from The Christmas Train ... Director Paul Ziller's 36 episodes of "Untold Stories of the ER" ... Diagnose Me, Crowbar in Hand, Runaway Asthma, and Anaphylactic Shock and Awe ... "Christmas Coupons Galore!" ... Baal ... Bloodfist 4: Die Trying ... Billy Blanks ... A Lawnmower Man, a guy from Designing Women and a Monkees Daughter walk into a bar ... Virtual Seduction ... San Francisco traffic ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Surfin' Bird," by The Trashmen • "Super Taranta!" by Gogol Bordello • "Kodachrome," by Paul Simon • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

DAVID T. COLE fortifies himself for PUMPKIN PIE WARS (2016) and the rising: Dave Quotient ... IMDB savant, finite memory ... Non-romping splenda oatmeal ... Magnum, PI's "Paper War" ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: May be written ... Karen Geier plug ... Pie breach origins, bakery bailouts ... Just get a chair ... The Hallmark version of intercourse ... Hallmark-level naughty ... Falling off a ladder ... Some braless work ... "Winning the bake-off will bring in the locals" ... Who are the baking mandarins? ... Six Months Later ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No angel food cake; a terrible version of The Good Place; no angels, but The Devil ... Eat Your Heart Out: Pumpkin out the yang; no food stylist on set; a reasonable menu; inaccurate pie baking time; Le Cordon Bleu in London; artificially ignorant kitchen wrecking; "I'll write the recipe"; Casey learns nothing; baking pumpkins ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Murder She Baked, and America's Pie Belt ... The (Pie) Body Farm ... Murder She Baked > Khal Drogo ... Crossover: Grace and Frankie prequel; Tampopo; eighth base; Hallmark's Hunger Games; Gordon Ramsay abuse; Nailed It ... BREAK ... Payola, Patreon and another ad bust ... Journalismism: Another fake Google; Lucky in Love; Wharton's classes on psychological warfare; press scrum for pie ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Technically yes, buuuuut ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Sam is a replicant; Rico Aragon at the table read; Amish Ghost; it won't happen a third time; every person watching a bake-off; rotisserie turkey ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Chair solution; a boundless bake-off economy; being complementary ... Rating: The Juiciest Taco origin story, and a 2.75 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Existential pumpkins ... CSI handwriting sample ... Black Betty ... He has a boat ... Teenage sneaking around ... Just go talk to him ... Cocaine is supposed to be fun ... Wellness Living ... A knife too far ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Hot 'n' Nasty," by Humble Pie • "Buttermilk Boy," by Humble Pie • "Apple Pie À La Mode," by Destiny's Child • "Be Sweet," by The Afghan Whigs • "Sucking on the Sweet Vine," by Humble Pie • "Six Gallon Pie," by The Meat Puppets • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We settle our brains for a NOSTALGIC CHRISTMAS (2019) and: A computerized programmable horse ... THEME ... Ethnically Kasem ... Led astray by Brooke D'Orsay ... Trevor Donovan streak ... Victor Webster's lotion ... The Expositional Challenge: Dunnnkk ... Powerful wooden Santa totems ... Alicia, the smartest person in Hallmark history ... Dullards ... Going back to Miss Christmas ... Leads failed by material ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: City of angels, angel amnesia ... Jaguar ... Eat Your Heart Out: A single bite, dessert chicharones ... Mike Francesa farted on the radio ... RIP, Deadspin, a fart website ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas in Angel Falls, the rocky and desolated Hallmark riviera, abandoned southern downtowns, Squat and Gobble, Kum and Go, Pump and Munch vs. Who buys the mill? ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Listener Sarah's Segments, including "The Moderately Attractive Man," "Chekhov's Solution," and "A You Problem," The Horse and Carriage Elder God ... The Nog-Sothoth ... Overdetermined: "No time for love, Dr. Jones!" and "A Hug of Good Tidings" ... Excess of binary scenes ... Repeated parental conversations ... Crossover: Satanic Christmas in Castle Rock ... Sergio Leone camerawork ... Aw, GAWRSH ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone is a replicant ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4, and an ecstasy of twinkling and thankless material ... Rating: 1.5 ... The Leftovers: [LINK] Smart Horse [LINK] ... The Internet of Horse ... BoJack Horseman ... "We purchased the title of a book and ignored it" ... Nostalgic Christmas TK TK ... The cab traffic in North Bay, Maine ... Herding reindeer ... A weird figurine of an older man ... Don't read the incantation aloud ... Jessie gets left with a lot of adult strangers ... A non-Euclidian Hallmark space ... Celebrating a win at the snowball toss ... The doohickey stays in the picture ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "U2 (Special Edit Radio Mix)," by Negativland • "Twin Peaks Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti • "I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More, Baby," by Barry White • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Meredith Haggerty runs afoul of LOVE, FALL & ORDER and finds: Sound problems! ... Crossover: Law Bud ... Love, Fall & Order: Special Vermont Unit ... Terence Malick's Love, Fall & Order ... All the Real Girls: Secret Hallmark ... MUSIC: "Surfboard," by Esquivel ... [LINK] Full episode available here. [LINK]

We forget everything and start FALLING FOR VERMONT (2017) and: Hard at work or hardly working? ... THEME ... Pepperidge Farm doesn't remember ... Letters to Santa: We want it jauntier; listener Jack's bullet-point recommendation ... Not the most insane amnesia plot ... Flavor of Love ... The Expositional Challenge: Honk ... The most disturbing image in Hallmark ... Veronica Mars trauma callback ... Exploiting the vulnerable, and overnight medical ethics ... "I am not a crackpot" ... Hand over amnesiacs to social workers ... Nobody recognizes JK Rowling ... You're in Hopedale ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: There are no angels here ... Crushing on an amnesiac empty shell ... The helpless gratitude kiss ... The Day After Tomorrow callback ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cider vibes, to-go coffee, blueberry pancakes; the Nut! button; nut allergies; Beantown Today; breathin' hard, or hardly breathin'; foliage, shell food and butter; pie-eating contest; ice-cream finale ... Gazebo perturbation ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers vs. Gail Is the Haint ... Overdetermined: Literal amnesia plot effacing heavy Hallmark metaphor; diving into shallow water ... No pot in this Vermont ... Crossover: Shutter Island for Hallmark amnesiacs, Rob Delaney resemblance, Michael McGlone for Geico, Godfather II, Laura Palmer's body ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Strong yes ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 3, for too-precocious meta-dialogue ... Secretary of Moppetry Lauren McNamara ... Rating: 3 ... Watching the same epiphanies repeat ... Plug! ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Go for Brad (Canadian Wine Clown) ... Con Cord, New Hampshire ... Journey Girl ... Scorch Trials ... Buying your car at Ross ... Shopping montage ... Driving jump-cut ... Correct weather ... Nixon Agosies ... "Medically normal" ... [LINK] Brian Wilson is Black Ops [LINK] ... David Winning: Most Prolific Hallmark Director ... Canada: America's Rec Room ... Remaking Cronenberg's Rabid with Hallmark actors ... Exposition comes in threes ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "City of Hope," by Journey • "Hold on Hope," by Guided by Voices • "Laura Palmer's Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti • "Oklahoma, USA," by The Kinks • "Hope," by Bauhaus • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

SARA KATE WILKINSON finds LOVE AT FIRST DANCE (2018) leads to: Cat intercourse ... THEME ... It's a beautiful day in Hallmarkia ... Rockin' pneumonia ... Pleasant and frictionless ... Pretty movie ... The Expositional Challenge ... Prescribe more air horn ... BREAK ... Plot in 15 Minutes: Inoffensive meet-cute conflict ... Swedish New York aristocracy ... Gorgeous business fiancée ... Niall Matter Appreciation Station ... Busy time for the market ... You take care of the flowers ... How to hold a cat ... Pond standing ... Hallmark Get off the Fence ... This woman is brave as hell ... Real-dancer butt differential ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Mutual muses or nothing! ... Classic Lines: Becca Tobin, tiny, in-character clothes and pretty; Adriana's false wedding-dress anxiety; Frank Gehry dress; sweet friends, no ulterior motives; matter, Niall mind; off-the-rack suits, shapeless tie; athlete-ass couture; boater-ass vibe ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cake tasting in a food desert; pastry turducken ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Surly wedding planner from The Convenient Groom; dead Beetlejuice case worker vs. Very Very Valentine and Summer in the City ... Statuesque women ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Writing your own book jacket; friendly, decent and sexless; I just want company at this point ... Crossover: Dancing movies and class distinctions; Waaaarriiiiorrrrrrs; what is the timeline here; frictionless rich-people problems; it was handed to me; Whit Stillman's Metropolitan ... Making your brokerage underwrite your plays ... Rating: 3.5 ... It *is* boring ... BREAK ... Plugz! ... The Leftovers: Nothin' but A names ... I. Am. Delivering. ... IMDB dive ... GOOP self-care capitalism ... Parking on the right side in London ... Making Sara Kate defend Buble ... Reading the Economist ... Not co-habitating ... Let's f*ck ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Da' Dip," by Freak Nasty • "Big Bottom," by Spinal Tap • "Candy," by Dag • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

The Oracle says we'll meet MY ONE AND ONLY (2019) and: Make a hashtag out of #UandMe ... THEME ... Ballooning away ... Locked-in disorder experience ... Refrigerator poetry/Taco Bell menu plot ... Bean unit ... 5-layer burrito ... Rude zingers ... When Pascale Hutton talks ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... The wrap-up ... Self-aware but self-Hallmarking dialogue ... "I worked at Big Dogs" ... Juvenile lean-in to meta-commentary ... Crowded by Crown Media formulas ... Selsen Blue's reality show setups ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Bupkes! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Giant bowl of cherries; you love fortune cookies; single women housing deep-fried starches; consensual choke cherry jam; incredible BBQ blocking ... A jillion extras ... Hallmark Basic Instinct ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Founders Day and the Wicker Man; The Ranch Belt; Jason Whitlock, the Steve Bannon of Haberdashery; Hot Shots, Part Deux; Luke Perry; Carl is hard; ranch pandemic; All Things Valentine callback ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Exhaustive fear/falling metaphors; decent elder wisdom; priceless journals for all guests; The Deseret School of memoirs ... Crossover: The Horse Whisperer, but with wife-swapping; Days of Heaven; Heaven's Gate ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, with a strongly non-selfless irresolute ending ... Rating: 2 ... Following Andy Kaufman ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Lee Brice's "Rumor" ... Twitter auditing Lee Brice ... Bunnicula ... I Choo-Choo-Choose Logitech ... I gotta grab some permits ... Pandering luddism ... Sushi burritos ... Angry old Cosby ... Edward Woodward and filming in bad weather ... Every Hallmark movie is 10 days old ... Tactics on Trout ... Fishing hook to the face ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Birthday Cake," by Cibo Matto • "The Ballad of the Green Berets," by SSgt Barry Sadler • "Rumor," by Lee Brice • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We experience LOVE AT FIRST GLANCE (2017) and forget about: The tango ... THEME ... Cuckolding nurse ... This movie's f'ing crazy ... 1.5 deaths ... Repeatedly traumatizing one boy ... Mount Igneous ... Canadian polygamy ... Dave makes it normal ... Pausing before the insanity ... Whiffs of The Mistletoe Promise ... Amy Smart Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Plot in 20 Minutes: Still in the quirky Hallmark era ... Jump to Conclusions Editor ... Exclusive: The Meaning of Love ... Dumped by Carl over deuce ravioli ... Art O. F. Fielding ... Obvious gay BFF dressed like a magician ... Hallmark greeting-card photographer ... Actual, legitimate journalism ... China in a dog shop ... Extra Hot Great reverie ... Beautiful exterior and real action shots ... The cuckolding nurse's Hallmark-card-text monologue ... "That is so tragic" ... Dinosaur Mountain's eruption slope ... Amnesia breakup ... Not Bucs QB Brad Johnson ... Now THAT'S a cuckolding nurse ... Richard Riehl's cookie monologue ... James and his dad have hogs ... Carl's breakup amnesia ... "Did you read my article on the meaning of love?" ... Gay BFF clothing shade ... Potential traffic fatality ... OOTS OOTS music ... Here's my childhood trauma valentine ... Beefcake ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: James/Adrian Grenier ... Eat Your Heart Out: Phantom ravioli for two; Spielberg's Tiramisu; frightened of sushi; back-alley pastries; "blintz? blintz?"; chalky valentine hearts ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Salt Lake Outpost vs. a Mistletoe Promise vibe vs. Reader Appeal ... Journalismism: A front-page article on the meaning of love and text from a term paper on child development ... Overdetermined: The entire second act, the messianic love of James ... Crossover: This Is Us riff; send them to Vietnam; hearing "How to Save a Life" in a hospital; Castle Rock, the series ... BREAK ... Partner Chat: "One of those guys who confuses mommies and girlfriends"; Ubers in Hallmark; Julia Roberts gag; foundation-slathered gay BFF cattiness; picking the one bad outfit of three; waiting for the craziness; Mistletoe Promise death callbacks ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Movie Rating: 3.5 ... Jello mold/mother's little helper chat ... The Leftovers: Fake Confucius quote ... Crown Media shout-out ... Lots of Successories ... Real texting tactics ... Adrian Grenier's classic tweet ... "Dogs are my life, dogs saved my life, James saved my life" ... Pictures in the Hall of Editors ... Mary CRUSHES this breakup ... Boyfriend ... Kathy Kloves' writing chops/choices ... Exorcist III: Legion ... Flippin' OJ Simpson ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "El Bimbo," by Bimbo Jet, from the Police Academy Soundtrack, composed by Robert Folk • "Blame, Etc.," by The Afghan Whigs • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne

It's an embarrassment of riches with the SISTER OF THE BRIDE (2019) and: Extra Hot Great, SVU and the cultural canon ... Vartan Dadian ... THEME ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Oxford School of Economics ... Professor of Factoidal Weddingology ... Cherry T-Bird ... Golfing without golfing ... Jack Welch, Lee Iacocca ... Hallmark Inversion: A talented golfer feigning incompetence ... Mind if we film-through? ... Michael Gross brings you to tears ... A B&B with strangers, a fridge at the in-laws ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No ... A marriage drama with logistics ... Charming banter ... Hide the realtor ... Eat Your Heart Out: The whitest Hallmark movie yet; coffee meet-cute; pancakes-and-waffles summer and colossal breakfast starch; a Gosford Park of food; first Hallmark IPAs; an establishment Republican film; Viking River Cruise people; Perillo Tours; flabbergasting carrot-peeling technique; rich people guessing and/or tanking at chores; inhuman mass of salad; Founding Fathers raspberry tarts ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Department Chair in Marriageology from Puppy Love vs. An MVA with Love of Course, a Christmas Melody and Puppy Love ... Alle Lieben Jake ... Overdetermined: The Cheeseburger Address ... Michael Gross as the bummer GOP father-in-law ... The Mr. Fusion of guest-star speeches ... Jen Lilley being enthusiastic for you ... Why is Candace Cameron the hegemon? ... Crossover: Tremors, in this movie vs. 2012 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Unambiguously no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone at ease in the same unreality ... Rating: A backdoor 3 ... Cranked the dial all the way to bread ... Letters to Santa: It turns out 9/11 happened ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Everyone is rich ... Kate Wagner and McMansion Hell Appreciation Station ... Squatter's rights ... Invisible giant engagement ring ... Voiceover priest ... Two copies of the college textbook ... I'm looking forward to hearing the wedding band ... Punk underground vs. Techno ... Not laughing in the writers' room ... PA in jeans at the wedding ... Thoughtless rich-people wedding invite ... Amazon peeling review ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Eggs and Sausage (In a Caddilac with Susan Michelson)," by Tom Waits • "Let's Roll," by Neil Young • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane