It's Christmastown

We sail away from SAILING INTO LOVE (2019) and: "I think it's great" ... THEME ... Seattle Pilots ... Dickie Thon (redux) ... Dave Lopes, Grant Balfour ... Swaddled in torpor ... Four Weddings and a Funeral, on paper ... Plot with no wake ... Instant bread podcast ... The Expositional Challenge ... I got nothin' ... Plot mop-up and island love ... Boy falls in water ... Welcome back to Costner Chat ... BREAK ... Still so featureless ... Spot the Angel: Nobody ... Like a table read ... Fiona Vroom: The Dean Acheson of the Hallmark family of brands ... Eat Your Heart Out: Minimalist dining; Kate-upsetting chowder; Hallmark in Maine; suspiciously beige; penne and Aussie wine; Last Ship nostalgia; family-annihilating unkillable Master Chief ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Gus Van Houten's Resort Paradise vs. Lucky In Love and Northern Lights of Christmas ... Overdetermined: Nothing, but also Tom quitting over a street conversation ... Crossover: Into the Blue, Striking Distance and Grey's Anatomy ... Only the driest and most odorless sex ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Transcontinental best-friendship ... The Build-a-Buré Workshop: Christmas in July, zero research on Australia, Bryan Brown, Midnight Oil, Luke Prokopec, Natalia Imbruglia and AC/DC ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No ... Partner Chat: Appropriately medicating ... Rating: 1 (soporifically) ... Leah Renee, underserved ... Leah Renee's earlier music career ... Busytown Mysteries ... Dave's Willow Bay nostalgia ... Garry Garneau, Aaron Rodgers, Colin Jost and Peyton Manning ... What about my snacks??? ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Insanity," by Leah Renee • "iBF (Imaginary Boyfriend)," by Leah Renee • "Break the Ice," by John Farnham • "Orinoco Flow," by Enya • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, with Rick Murnane

Ah, Paris, and SUMMER VILLA (2016), and time to ask: How's the writing going? ... THEME ... Who's a medical model, by the way ... Expecting swill, getting a delightful soufflé ... Moments of silence ... The Expositional Challenge ... He's a thicc lad ... Plot wrap-up ... Jean-Luc and The Butcher ... Bill DeBlasio, Child of the Corn ... The Democratic Candidate Night Club ... Beto's eternal relaunch ... It worked! ... Hilarie Burton is bae ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No ... Wallace Shawn, Bruce Vilanch ... Eat Your Heart Out: Raspberry glaze; hotel-restaurant presentation; pine-nut baguette sandwich; "swordfish is butt, to me"; anodized pans; Hallmark-ass food fight; turned by the sandwich; raw egg slide, wrecked kitchen; milk pig ... BREAK ... Deproblematizing the discourse ... Oafish but not malicious ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Quebec, not Provence; Carrie Bradshaw; writer in-house in a Hallmark writer's workshop; Corbin Bernsen with a Bluetooth ... Overdetermined: No Hallmark-grade contrivances; music at all NY events; I'm shopping here music; especially nasty blind date; classic ad hom; the Za Za Zu; immediate apology; is Matthew Everston a men's-rights activist; Gord Willis, the Canadian Prince of Darkness; the lovely and quiet hot chocolate scene ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: It basically qualifies but nah; Abby as a non-adolescent teen; your passion never goes away ... Partner Chat: Why can't the 15-year-old have wine?; Mormons, marshmallows, bowls; The Vice of the Most Wholesome; nasty marshmallows and Doctor Chocolate; mug of sex juice; isn't he sort of a jerk?; Pinterest chalkboard; fake muntins; awful front-door package ... "McMansion Hell" Kate Wagner Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Emorphia Margaritis and Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Not enough credits, great-as-heck name ... Movie Rating: 4 ... Hearts of Spring callback ... Only a one-gear plot with some clunky early aggressiveness ... Letters to Santa: Nicest feedback ever; vomiting in 2012's Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade; what's the vomit like; something happened to Hallmark movies; the 11th 9/11 anniversary; "Heart of Glass"; Case Keenum; Christmas at Old Town Road; 7th grade forever ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Hilarie Burton voice-acting goofiness in a tearful, normal phone call ... A smart person who's sad ... Carrie Lee Wilson and Emi Mochizuki Appreciation Station ... Iron Chef? ... Peter Piper's Pickled Professional Portfolio ... Learning to ride a bike! ... DeBlasio callback ... We're just asking bike questions ... Sword swallowing ... Jean-Luc: Decent, observant, needlessly owned ... Male capri pants ... THE Joan Wilder? ... Clamdiggers ... The Armond White of food critics ... Norbit ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "New French Girlfriend," by The Auteurs • "Demain Tu Peux Changer," by Dusty Springfield • "Val Venis Theme," by Jim Johnston • "Baby Love," by Annie Philippe • "C'est Ma Chanson," by Petula Clark • "Où Est Ma Tête," by Pink Martini • "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère," by Marie Laforêt • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, with Rick Murnane

It's podcast time, when TRUE LOVE BLOOMS (2019), and: We're resolving tension ... Baby arms ... So overdetermined it might be ironic ... Old Tampa actors ... THEME ... A Tampa Bay Hallmark movie! ... Authentic St. Petersburg ... You! The Tampa Kid! ... St. Pete skyline ... America's Most Floridian Hallmark Podcast ... BJ's Holocaust museum ... We liked it! ... Sara Rue Appreciation Station ... Jordan Bridges: Thicc Novak ... Fewer indoor cats, more unstoppable female force ... Matthew Diamond's great operas ... Jane the Virgin ... Our excellent regional opera ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Ace to see you ... Hallmark quitting over a minimalist designer ... Boyle v. Hewitt and Peppers v. Tomato ... Wrap it up ... Floral-print clothing signifiers ... Spot the Angel: Goose egg ... The Trauma Swap ... Eat Your Heart Out: This lasagne is just some stuff; carrot cake; normal coffee; thankless minority best friend in a Friday's; proportional pasta; questionably toasted peppers ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Abortive start; transcontinental tulips; talking yourself into golden beets; ramp reprise; Ice-T being a dick ... Crossover: John Sayles's Community Garden; problematizing and unpacking; "Chace Devine"; Lethal Weapon 3 as the bridge; Lethal Weapon 2, race, class and gender dynamics ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Insane opening expository intensity vs. a troika of quotes ... Condos, buildings, your dead mother ... Home & hearth scantron ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Vikki is THE force ... Letters to Santa: Well-wishes; favorite music cue; NPR; Chris Collingwood Appreciation Station; what goes where? ... Slip-sliding away ... Rating: 4 ... Always making choices ... Sara Rue can slice you in half with a broadsword ... A one-act movie ... Chace Devine's moment of insight ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Buildings have concrete in them ... Hawaii sounds like Florida ... Dogma 95 ... The Lumineers ... A St. Pete community leader would know every developer, who wouldn't care ... St. Pete's homeless problem ... Pinellas County's Purity of Essence ... Where's Rick Kriseman? ... BREAK ... The Ladybug Release, a True Event ... Denis Leary's Merry F*ckin' Christmas ... Exorcist III Appreciation Station ... Jeb heroically restrains himself from mentioning that William Peter Blatty wrote A Shot in the Dark again ... Very lazy sneak-in ... Captain Morgan needs a bigger shirt ... Mark (and this movie) loves job-creators ... Gardens don't bring in the green ... Thomas Cromwell's padlock ... The Spirit of the Universe vs. The Green Boys and Company ... Michigan ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "She Wandered Through the Garden Fence," by Procol Harum • "Ramp! (The Logical Song)," by Scooter • "My Secret Garden," by Depeche Mode • "Mind Gardens," by The Byrds • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's undercover boss time with EASTER UNDER WRAPS (2019) and: A special message from the dead ... "You have 8 vitamins" ... Ramps! ... Crass lead-in ... CREDITS ... Food based and not good ... Like eating a brick of cream cheese ... Good Capitalists > Bad Capitalists ... A fairy tale of business-shaming ... A framed photo of the undercover boss in HR's office ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... Spot the Angel: Twinkly black couple fakeout ... *Bane voice* Chocolate bunny ... Eat Your Heart Out: Iffy-looking chocolate; the Cavendish Egg; butterfly surprise; Wedgewood-ass chocolate; large feeding-frenzy-sized egg; sidewalk cheese; 52 eggs; things that do not go with chocolate; a Klosterman of contradictions; reference new foods, default to comfort foods; Dave singing ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Back to Seattle; Jason Giambi; Mira's swank apartment in Lucky in Love; you killed one Gubelmann by looking at it; Hallmark's Wicker Man and Mulholland Drive update ... Overdetermined: The Delicate Sound of Chocolate vs. Sensuality and Experiences over Feelings ... Ghost, with snakes ... Zen and the Hallmark Cohens ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Solid yes, no friends ... The invention of business lying ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 3 (average) ... Hippity-Hop Fizz ... Rating: 2 ... Talk about your process ... Extremely representative Hallmark fare ... Brendan Penny, ESPN ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Bupkes! ... The Leftovers: Foster Cavendish, German immigrant ... Erin or Erika ... Cavendish Chocolate and Topps cards ... Chaz and Trent for Chocmate and Untuckit ... Witness to a Great Becoming ... Midafternoon bedtime ... Lucy and Ethel chocolate clumsiness ... Early antagonism quit ... WKL News ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Ramp! (The Logical Song)" by Scooter • "Chocolate City," by Parliament • "Chocolate Sundae" by Stan Getz and Oscar Peterson • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's time to FLIP THAT ROMANCE (2019) and reveal: This movie was bad ... Whose fault is it? ... Like a fountain-drink suicide of Hallmark going wrong ... Expanding the Hallmark topic zone ... Jeb, pain management and HGTV ... Tyler James Tyler LOVED the flips in this movie ... Welcome to Casa Leone ... Apartment dwellers and home builders agree: This is a valueless story conceit ... Heroically making human needs more expensive ... A house flipper vs. the concept of house flipping ... "Little Boxes" flipping renovation ... My Bad Flip: leaching all humanity from this concept ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Nice ... The one (and one and one) weird thing about this movie ... Costco Depot ... A whole town of bad romance and renovation stans ... Favor? This is your JOB ... Rich people jonesing for this next score to get well ... Chandler, Ross, Indy ... Leni Riefenstahl's Christmas Village ... Charlie Sheen smug vibe ... Thawed-out romance, with trolling ... Everything that flatlines might converge ... BREAK ... Substack Blog Plug ... Beaten by alumni ... Spot the Angel: A whole town! ... Drag This House: Home design center "class" options; contractor spec house picks; the Katherine Heigl kitchen; House Beautiful; debased design language; more humid than humid; conceptually beige and easy to sell; wet-paint color decisions ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: In the Heart of Hearts of Spring ... Eat Your Heart Out: The Hallmark debut of rosé; buttchugging; this is how old you are now; excruciating lasagna scene; shut up and eat; just so rude ... Overdetermined: Flower arrangement ... Rating: 1 ... Mateen Cleaves Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: "Epic fail" and "hangry," welcome to the canon ... First-opportunity kiss ... Positive gaysian character ... Character actor with a good IMDB page ... "Have a healthy breakfast" music ... Overbidding by $18,000 like a moron ... Time-bending countertops ... "There are opportunities here" ... Inspirational five-foot rose mural ... I thought we were going to hit it out of the park with this flip ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Cantaloop" by US3 • "More Human Than Human," by White Zombie • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's time for 2018's LOVE, OF COURSE, the harvest festival and: All right, Tumbleweed, let's row ... Your call to the Winklevosses is important ... THEME ... Good evening ... Dave's not pulling his weight ... Laughing out loud at "Love, Of Course" ... Golf movie? ... Love, Tautologically ... The Jim Furyk-Hale Irwin Axis ... Good! Mostly nothing, badly paced ... Kelly Rutherford and Cameron Mathison Appreciation Station ... Less densely plotted than Ski School ... BREAK ... Plot in 15 Minutes Max: Ex-accountant, Lion of the PTA ... Gossip Girl swag standards ... Internet of Things kitchen ... Farm-to-A&M ... Mathison Poppin' ... Moms not hitting the release button ... Buff, friend-adjacent professor ... Canadian science-fiction reference ... Graciously Gossip Girling ... Noah, from the School of Harvest Studies ... Consenting to a harvest festival and romance ... Rutherford and Mathison are too good for the fakeouts ... Kissing, then sharing blood type ... Avoiding the conversation and conclusion for a passive quit ... Too adultly acted to be this childish ... Was our frustration intentional? ... Phoef Sutton shout-out ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Zero, but with child and black-friend fakeouts ... US Olympian, America's Sweetheart, Gabby Douglas and missed Gymkatas ... Rotary texting ... Orchard largesse ... Eat Your Heart Out: Classic pumpkin-zucchini muffins; muffin batter; pumpkin bowling; bread bowl; two bar visits; Untouchables; apple cider, pear cider; Hallmark doesn't believe that salad exists; alienatingly normal plate of penne and garlic bread; unappetizing/pornographic farmer's market fare ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Things Valentine romance hatred, Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers! tabloid reportage romance hatred and the Hearts of Spring universe ... Bromides in the air ... The Balkan connections to the Hallmark universe ... Overdetermined: Lonnnnnng clip; Marco Polo; incredible root metaphor; friend advice, homemade soup; thoughtful enough overdetermination ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, matching sheets, Mr. Huggsy ... Letters to Santa plug ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Effective daughtering ... The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Makenzie Vega Appreciation Station ... Competent movie reference ... Missed Kiss #1 and physical space ... Normal-movie direction ... McBanjo ... Chloe Caroline ... Pumpkin waste ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We regret with 2019's SNOWCOMING and: SnowComing explanation ... The second-chance high school dance ... Wistful, near The Running Man ... Hey, I'm trying to finger somebody! ... THEME ... Jane Wiedlin Thrashing on a BMX ... Letter from Santa: "Joe Theismann is in it" ... Larry Csonka ... Back-to-back Heisman Trophy runners-up ... Alicia Witt's Heisman ceremony ... Ed Marinaro and Jim Plunkett shout-outs ... Dave didn't dislike it ... ART THOU BOTOWN reprise ... The Expositional Challenge: 97 seconds ... Life just happens at Samantha ... How old are these people? ... Who are Jake Gillette's quarterback comps? ... Jake the Snake ... Jay Cutler as any Hallmark leading man ... No smoking in Hallmark ... Extremely short football toss ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Coach Kerrigan, surrogate dad? ... Ed Marinaro as Joey Buttafuoco ... Old Comedy Central ads ... Eat Your Heart Out: Jake, cookbook reader; more appetizing than most Hallmark food; disarmingly untouched salad; "Bonkers for Brussels Sprouts!"; a non-compelling arc; a citywide celebration of ambivalence; uncomfortable Joe Paterno resemblance; Peter DeLuise joint; soup as a metaphor; big-boil soup; food literate; tasting duo for Padma Lakshmi; the realest sh*t that's been in a Hallmark movie ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wistful Literate Mountain Sports Town, Colorado, and The Eric Mabius's Ass Universe vs. Hallmark Pan-Sports "Field of Dreams" Field for Emotional Orphans and Chris Klein's "A Haunting of Dads" ... Overdetermined: Waiting for SnowComing vs. I Will Exploit Your Agony ... Main character as fifth-act villain ... BREAK ... Crossover: Hallmark Channel's The Wicker Man vs. Jerry Maguire with Concussions ... Peter King's cap implications for Jake Gillette ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... NPR pledge drive ... The Leftovers: New football coach, P.E. coach and health teacher, with zero experience ... Principal Case Keenum and Superintendent Jay Schroeder ... "I got a degree" ... Theismann fourth-wall callback ... Joe Theismann Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Scarf-spendthrift ... Unsecured campus ... "The snow at the game is clearly fake" ... Whistler, reprise ... Sage Abernathy: "F*ck to Pride and Prejudice!" ... Sage Rosenfels ... "As to a lover... Coach" ... Replace the mom ... Wordless pendant application ... Incredibly normal almost-kisses ... Treehouse exit ... Outdoor fire pit ... "I feel so savory" ... RATING: 2.5 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "The Buttafuoco Song," by Marvin Rosenberg • "Hill Street Blues Theme" by Mike Post • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns for 2018's ROYAL HEARTS and: THEME ... Belinda's Garage ... Neti pot in The Expanse ... Sara Kate explains why she's angry she picked this movie ... Say "regency" one more damn time ... James Brolin's lethargic Sam Elliottness ... Where are the royal clothes? ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Sara Kate's Downfall ... A foreigner telling you you're rich ... Zero genealogy knowledge ... Parliamentary Privy Council ... Screw our national sovereignty ... Small kingdoms, hidden economies ... Authentically sassy waitress ... Grimsby: Snotty Disney Bear ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Legends of the Foal ... Eat Your Heart Out: Where's the princess sh*t; escargots; flat champagne; grilling is not BBQ; "country AND eastern"; trout for dinner ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Make-A-Wish trip for the lingering illnesses ... Overdetermined: Backs literally turned to family, King Nicholas's full quaffing evil, great traffic for the king, the Royal Decals, Nicholas' forced father-confronting evil ... Princess Kelly, premiere oaf ... Alex's denim and Robin Hood outfits ... Shooting the king's shaft ... Khakis for the Privy Council ... Alex's soft, unintimidating flirting ... Crossover: Transylvania 6-5000 ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, but grading on a scale it's really still no; oblivious to date ignoring her; read ANY other Regency novels ... Letters to Santa pitch ... The Leftovers: King Hank's folksy aphorism monster-cut ... Motion to dissolve the monarchy carried ... Faling off a ladder in a crouch ... She should be in the library! ... King Nicholas' incompetent lying ... Voiceover ending ... Rating: 2 ... Everyone feel better! ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Rodeo, by Aaron Copeland • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

ANDY LEVY returns for 2018's A SHOE ADDICT'S CHRISTMAS and: Letting go of Frasier ... Bad movie choice ... Donnie, Andy Richter, Otho ... The Candace Cameron effect ... Not a real shoe addict ... Jean Smart co-stars as Jeb's mother-in-law ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... WWII-era American ethnic slurs ... Plot cleanup: Jake and Noelle's stymied fun party ... Photographer, HR Director ... Hallmark's job/hobby false dichotomy ... Save me from complete prosperity ... Murder your balls/sweetie, show feetie ... Jean Smart, peak literal angel ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Sneaky multiple angels, angel relief, angel hierarchy ... Classic Lines: Rude-ass shoes; the worst shoe-toilet in Scotland; $690 for white-tiger-ass shoes; Candace Cameron looks terrific; "keep it fun"; about $900/outfit; CandyCams-brand apron product placement ... Do We Have A Section On Theology?: Inconsistent angelic rules; if you ask an angel if he's an angel, he has to say yeah; The Archangel Dark Web ... Unintentional horror movie ... Darren Aronofsky's "Shoe Addict's Christmas!" ... Charlie/Charlene ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Breakfast breads; mustard on the meat; the world's saddest sandwich; meat dilation; a successful chain of hot dog stands; Humphrey Yogurt ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wallace Shawn and Jean Smart, workplace buds vs. Candace Cameron as her own aunt via time comet ... Letters to Santa: The prop coin of Wallace Shawn from Episode #04 ... Overdetermined: "Every pair of shoes tells a story" vs. "You have to make decisions, but here's your determined fate" vs. "Pretty people are owed happiness" and "Take a risk by being a dick" ... Kidnap a guy ... Crossover: Mulholland Drive vs. Kickboxing Night at the Museum ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No; but maybe talking to her dad; but DON'T BUY divine intervention ... The Leftovers: Firefighter weather control ... Vanishing taxis ... Heilmark or Reichsmark ... Luke Macfarlane's Tom Brady vibe ... Apartment dad jokes ... Two layers on in a two-horse open sleigh ... Most Inspiring Photo contest ... Lorem Ipsum songs ... Batman Returns ... Matt & Chloe app ... Spot the Second Black Person ... Ex-boyfriend Dan Bongino ... Rating: 2 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Good Ol' Shoe" by Edgar Winter • "Boogie Shoes," by KC and the Sunshine Band • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING of the EXTRA HOT GREAT podcast return for 2018's THE WEDDING MARCH 3: HERE COMES THE BRIDE and: This beautiful gazebo ... THEME ... Christmas memories ... Gotti ... A soothing movie ... Weather and kiss failure ... Grownup conversations ... WHEN ARE THEY GETTING MARRIED??? ... Second-sequel energy ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Empty on Valentine's ... Spot the Angel: Duke reprise, Olivia's bullying mom, Johnny ... Duke on Stargate ... Duke's Lair, without comfort or sustenance ... Classic Lines: Stripper heels, no ass, manky wig, Julie's swimsuit modeling, a fashion designer in London, Nora and Olivia's identical fashion, Marvin Berry's blue suit, black bridesmaids' dresses, trying on the bride's dress, a chain store where royalty shops ... BREAK ... Mick's Music Update: Fake keyboard playing; not enough Wagner numbers; awful mixing, room tone and ADR; last-minute booking; repeated "surprise" takes; ducks callback ... Eat Your Heart Out: Frumpy midwestern food; clearing out the farmer's market; Julie's BS chef dreams; take a job anywhere; onions are really important; Julie smiling, wincing and leering; breaded loaves and gray meated loaves; have a breakup sandwich ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Mick and Lori Loughlin share a sister, Duke may be Wallace Shawn, and Nora and Johnny shop at Garbage Store Mysteries ... Overdetermined: Men and women aren't the same (with shooting stars and Rockford music) vs. "early spring" themes vs. Francesca ... Crossover: Jack Wagner's The Sopranos vs. Julie's LA gap year vs. Swing revival bankruptcy ... Build-a-Buré Workshop: "Bastille Day" vs. "I Dos Svidaniya" vs. Olivia's Daughter's 30-year cold-feet wedding or Trent Brushwood meets Duke and the Penelope Device ... Penelope, the Alexa baby monitor that owns you ... "Play something fun to dance to" ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechtel Test: Yes, but applying the test here is flawed ... The Leftovers: Zero-employee cleanup ... Julie stealing Duke's job ... Bonnie's childhood dream wedding ... "It's Bonnie! Your sister!" ... Wyatt died vs. the Wyatt budget ... #MeToo'd Wyatt ... "I'll be on the edge of the property" ... Non-white speaking actor! ... Grow a beard, Wagner ... Confinscated for the nuptials ... Julie's post-teen relationship advice ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "You and Me" by Jack Wagner • "Common Man," by Jack Wagner • "Burning Heart," by Survivor • "All I Need," by Jack Wagner • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane