KAREN GEIER is back in our dang kitchen for 2018's CHRISTMAS AT GRACELAND and: No response from the Pootie ... THEME ... Outrage on Elvis's behalf ... Not getting "Elvis" ... Drug sponge with a badge ... Bad movie, hard to remember ... EPCOT shout-out ... Kellie Pickler at Waffle House ... Crushing-clunker line reads ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Reggaeton ... Plot cleanup: Best friend Sally and house for sale; Banking Dad; endless gifts; barbecue sauce; Clay as Mark Wahlberg in Fear ... Active hostility toward the south ... Multi-regional accents at Grace Lint ... Southern Received Pronunciation ... BREAK ... Every Time A Bell Rings A Second Unnecessary Modest Mouse Percussionist Gets His Wings: Quadruple-dipping on "Silent Night"; sangin' weeyith an ack seeint; stank on "Noel"; should be called No W; hardly any Elvis; Soccer Elvis; ADR and clunkers; here's your guitar or whatever; Kellie Pickler and gospel ... Spot the Angel: When the only angel is the plutocrat; the perfect Santa of capitalism; sharing work product and violating an NDA; has anyone been to a bank before? ... THEME ... Eat Your Heart Out: Taking Chicago and the South's food culture and not having any food at all; Hot Cocoa is married to Ice-T; nuclear-powdered ice-rink hot chocolate; Tree Man Syndrome; unreal rice-crispy squares ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: LeeAnn Rimes in Memphis in Canada and Michigan and NY vs. A gritty prequel of an absentee dad ... Overdetermined: A fictional and featureless magical south; Seaman Beaumont shout-out; Elvis's horny ghost and kids at Graceland; Clay and Laurel find that coming home is around the corner; ditching your other best friend from 3rd grade; the black family in a Friday's bed-and-breakfast ... BREAK ... Crossover: Man vs. Fool's Gold Loaf ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Women be workin' and single parentin', less regressive than expected ... The Leftovers: Christmas light night-light ... Going out at night on a travel day ... "Do all of these other people live at Graceland?" ... Memphis snowfall ... Disney's Americaland hotel room ... Boss reading Memphis area music programs ... There are flights to Chicago ... Flocking-ass Christmas trees ... Turning the lights on AFTER decorating the tree ... The correct German way of Christmas lights ... Gas-filled s'mores ... Leave the door open for wilding-out houseguests ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Rating: 1.5 ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Black Dog/Hound Dog" by Dread Zeppelin • "Elvis and Bears" by The Red Elvises • "Ballad of Elvis and Priscilla" by The Red Elvises • "Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Idolator founding editor MAURA JOHNSTON joins us for MARIAH CAREY'S feature directorial debut in 2015's A CHRISTMAS MELODY and: Andy Daly in the Hallmark universe ... Camptown Races ... THEME ... Maura's Christmas bona fides ... Mariah Carey and Long Island Christmas ... "All I Want for Christmas Is You" ... Idolator shout-out ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Are homeless Santa and janitor Santa the same Santa? ... "Oh Santa!" in the movie ... Mariah Carey's extreme filters ... Manicure closeup ... Mariah's Seagal-esque immobility ... Palanquin-heavy live show ... Mariah's accidental auteur directorial style ... Christmasy live show ... First bad review in high school ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Over in 44 seconds ... Eat Your Heart Out: Give peas a chance; dead-cat-bouncing gluten-free jokes; Saved by the Bell; Luke Danes reprise again ... Brennan Elliott dragging huge chemistry out of Lacey Chabert ... Mariah Carey 70's auteur ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chabert's intense high school football rivalry with Summer in the City, Ohio vs. Stars Hollow again ... Actually shot in Ohio ... Mariah's Inland Empire ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Hoist by the Mean Girl petard; mom makes your clothes; schizophrenic consumerism; twinkling engagement ring from dentist husband; "I'm in charge, remember?"; watching for comeuppance; Long Island bustin' out with sport-parenting; track suits; name sewed on your jeans; Skyline chili; relentless harping music cues; the Santa-song wish reasoning ... Crossover: Carol Kane Glitter-punching on slappers only; "It's the Jets game!" vs. Everlasting with Brennan Elliott; Unreal shout-out ... "Man in Car" in "Life Is a Highway" ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folger's presents: Tubbb! ... Stunod! It is Stacker 2 ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably??? ... The Leftovers: G-rated dance face smack ... Valid Christmas tree market ... Sudden stalker male lead ... Chabert and separate filming micro-climates ... BREAK ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 5, but variable ... Squickily vampy preteen daughter performance ... Dubbed "Oh Santa!" and useless accompanist piano ... Oh, Georgia, you're so popular ... Chabert: Precocious 10-year-old at 30 ... The AAH Group ... Sudden potential body-switching comedy ... They never add the extra plot ... Rating: 3 ... Hello to Kathy Najimy! ... Ego death with Mariah ... Mariah video comps ... Spinal Tap limo driver ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "My City Was Gone" by The Pretenders • "Bloodbuzz, Ohio" by The National • "Life Is A Highway" by Tom Cochrane • "Georgia" from Music For Sleeping Children • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • Check out stills from the movie here! 

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns a third time for Countdown to Christmas Four in CHRISTMAS IN LOVE, with: I'll make the Wiki ... THEME ... Hallmark Graceland and Elvis sandwiches ... Christmas decorations: before Pearl Harbor Day? ... Balsam Hill: the ornaments your decorator buys ... Appropriate decoration density ... Hot Take: Cute, and it's good ... Adults with real motivation ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... Seamless ... At Christmastime, but not really about Christmas ... "Quality Time" vs. quality time ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Again: a good movie ... A sane and adult quit ... A proudly pro-labor movie ... Roasting "learn to code" ... Fixing a dopey heir ... Technology as not-magic ... Basically real people ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: [No Actual Angel] ... Eat Your Heart Out: Kringle familiarity; what else do you make?; BobbyBigWheel shout-out; iced-out cookies; diner culture; booze bag ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Brendan Routh crossover vs. Brooke D'Orsay doppelgängers ... Marc Blucas ... Overdetermined: There really isn't anything vs. the skeleton of another Hallmark movie beneath this flesh ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Christmas crafts vs. year-round product diversity ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Hideous wreaths ... Open ex-boyfriend ... Borderline kiss on the cheek ... A woman-initiated kiss! ... It stayed on the right side ... No hairnet, great hair ... Elf outfit ... Good male costuming ... I thought you'd never ask me to help you write a business plan ... Drunk honor student ... Human in crisis ... One error: selective disbelief ... They don't lay off HR ... "It's his job to protect the town" ... Rating: 4.5 ... LinkedIn Sara Kate ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "A Real Hero" by College & Electric Youth • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Marianne

Sweeten that studio magic, it's 2018's IT'S CHRISTMAS, EVE, featuring LeAnn Rimes and: One-year-anniversary gift of the magi ... Malaise forever! ... Scouting Report: Young Werther ... Casey Kasem ... Premature rating ... THEME ... Always Christmas/always New Year's Eve ... Pastiche of pastiches ... LeAnn Rimes: Dead-weight energy and stone face ... Junket/glad-handing impatient demeanor ... Thoroughly even keeled ... LeAnn doing original songs is originality enough ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Proactive dad with a website ... Original music ... Belted-out studio vocal track ... 100 percent *valid* Christmas tree lot ... Bantering dialogue like a table read ... Uneven emotional engagement ... Undermining degrees of Chandler-from-Friends spin ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Abby or, everyone but Eve ... Checking in with Hallmark sponsor Country Living Magazine: Maple Ridge or Chilliwack? ... Roving superintendent of schools ... Just try raising taxes, buttheads ... Just ADMIT that life has value outside of cash and quantification ... Jeremy Bentham and Karl Marx ... Eat Your Heart Out: Popcorn vat at A Christmas Carol vs. overdoing the hot chocolate ... Foreign currency jokes ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Every town vs. Larry Walker's hometown ... Overdetermined: Abandoning music since dad died vs. "small towns come together" ... An "Up in the Air" agent of austerity and unintentional villainy ... Crossover: Dangerous Minds vs. Up in the Air ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Ughhhhhhh, screw it, you tell us ... Partner Chat: "If you watch that, you'll get sick" vs. Matthew Perry vibe and Celebs With No Eyebrows dot Com ... LeAnn Rimes eyebrow chat ... Don't pee ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Letterman chat ... Love Actually, again ... "Idiot Control Now" ... "We're a Panabaker household" ... Bingo Jones ... Latin Anniversary ... Wyatt and Tate ... Jeb worked at a Hallmark store ... And Duck Head ... Homes SMOTHERED in merchandising ... Hitting the Snodgrass ... Laremy Tunsil shout-out ... Emoting your way to guitar godhood ... That ain't how pageloads work ... Spot the Charlie's Angel hairstyle ... RATING: 2.5 ... Dusty Baker, Panabaker ... Merry Christmas! ...  • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "The Stars and Stripes Forever," by John Philip Sousa • "You and Me and Christmas" by LeAnn Rimes • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

KAREN GEIER is cookin' in our dang kitchen for 2018's CHRISTMAS JOY and: Rap game gingerbread ... Affected by Christmas on a German level ... Caganer: The Catalan pooping figurine ... I got a capon guy ... "Do y'all eat loons?" ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... What's sexier than a widower? ... Ersatz America without flavor ... A sorority recruitment video, but for marriage ... Department store in a train station ... An absence of egregious lines ... Spot the Angel: The Primum Mobile Aunt; rainmaking department store owner; Ben, a welter of self-abnegation ... Omnipresent stalker material ... Eat Your Heart Out: Insane ingredient list, barrels of milk, La Mansione, non-functional log kitchen, "Dirty Cookies," unclear about the terms of the cookie crawl, thawing cookies in a snow-covered barn, amazing Kitchen Aid mixer guy, communal labor ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Rocky Mountains of Georgia, Cartwright's vs. Weatherton's, a Lacey Chabert joint ... Overdetermined: Insane quit at the embarrassing gala showdown; 99 percent of city life is insanely boring; we here in small towns live in small towns; still "hitched" to being in Crystal Falls ... Crossover: Joy as a Scandinavian homicide cop vs. an Unseen Anne Hathaway movie vs. the gritty reboot of CITY WIFE ... Christmas in hospitals is terrible ... Doing Christmas drugs ... Wife absorbed alive by house ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: The "Wonderfold" Christmas diorama; conspicuous iPhone/MacBook placements; Southern Living cover shot; Balsam Hill Christmas ornaments; crappy-ass mosaic ornament ... German motivational abuse ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Insanely restrictive gingerbread competition ... Gettin' that d-ring binder ... Love letter to retail ... Prop master's mom photo ... WEAR A HAIRNET ... Mrs. Weatherton's paying for lies ... I love Gabrielle Rose, and one day we'll be together ... Cyber is the future ... "Love Actually" as the ultimate Hallmark movie ... Carolina Panthers Stadium in gingerbread ... RATING: 3, leaning higher ... MyDang.Kitchen ... Fight against recipes prefaced with personal stories ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Tit for Tat "Ain't No Taking Back" by James Brown • "Tears" by Giorgio Moroder • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • CLICK HERE FOR STILLS WE DISCUSSED FROM THE MOVIE.

Fascism and criticism abound in the bleak first entry of 2018's Countdown to Christmas, CHRISTMAS AT PEMBERLEY MANOR, including: "In Puke of Lost Turds" by Marcel Poops ... Sigmund Freud vs. The Wolfman ... THEME ... Beautiful and handsome ... A bad movie, it's very bad, folks, many people are saying it ... The Expositional Challenge ... A Seth MacFarlane joke of a plot ... The market cynicism of fan-fiction ... Santa Claus in Pride and Prejudice ... Every actor in a tonally different movie ... Names matched up and nothing else ... Jane Austen's Travis ... Jeb's fanboying the 1995 A&E/BBC Pride and Prejudice miniseries ... Chemistry void over the children's party ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Kristopher Klaus on granddad patrol ... Class-blind, accentless and Yeager-like ... The Right Stuff for Christmas ... Desaturated June in the Upside-Down ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, again; two performances unconnected and side-by-side ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Like a movie a Hallmark character would watch in a Hallmark movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: All or nothing, busybody Santa, expository gofer ... Travis: Nazi or CPAC attendee or? ... Crossover: Pride and Prejudice and Pride and Prejudice ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Absolutely not ... Steven Root's Partner Chat: Michael Rady appreciation; Pemberley Manor, the 2,500 sq. foot house; "Oh, how I long for a ____"; phoning in your fanfic ... BREAK ... A Brief Interlude About Anti-Semitism and Lou Dobbs, including: This is still a game for them; a "ZOG" bomb on Fox News; fan-service for people who love racist implications; ignoring harm to people you can't conceive of as human; Lou Dobbs poisoning your grandma; a world without backtrack or apology; "Fascism! I'm gonna live forever!" ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Elaine Hendrix's fantastic eyebrows ... Holiday cheer on your own time, ladies ... Michael Rady, professional baleful gazer ... Darcy emotionally toying with The Sad Mayor ... Binders are people, my friend ... I am Serious Mayor, this is Serious Festival ... The Hamsterdam of egg nog ... A satisfying moment of Lowndes puttin' on the melisma ... Ah, I see you're reading WESTERN literature ... Pretending you're cold in June ... Pump-thermos coffee ... Tony Shalhoub, listen to this episode ... Lady, it's a porch ... Manufactured quit and three-way quit ... A terrible one-sided phone call ... Mayor Wickham's execution lever ... Rating: 1 ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "2 Become 1," by The Spice Girls • "Reel Ten" by The Plugz • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's 2015's PORTRAIT OF LOVE and time for Logan Echolls to: Pour water on your own damn computer ... THEME ... A Chopped basket of movies ... What are you even acting well in? ... The Expositional Challenge: Failed! ... Corbin Bernsen shot this in 30 minutes ... Street-legal sushi ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Jess, first among equals; birthing replacement customers for Stan's diner; maximum child acting; biking while sobbing; a busybodying "force of nature"; everyone in town has nothing in their lives but Luke and April ... Eat Your Heart Out: Alex Jones uncovers the truth about Stars Hollow; ice cream and liquids; giant salad tongs with pasta; Dave's Gilmore Girls ignorance/inheritance ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's Inverse Heisenberg principle; the town at the center of the Hallmark universe; no movie summaries on Wikipedia; Luke's time-comet time paradox-based breakup ... Overdetermined: Relentless "telling, not showing" placeholder text vs. Luke's fear of failure and April's fear of abandonment ... My Wife The Innings Eater, or: The casual disposability of dead Hallmark spouses ... BREAK ... Crossover: When Star's Hollow's Stars Hollow it's Stars Hollow; Harry Hamlin, Milo Ventimiglia and Enrico Colantoni star in "The Harrowing"; Jess Franco's Stars Hollow ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes early, racing toward no at the end; I get it, French class ... Partner Chat: Jigsaw hooky; Kate shuts the door; Hallmark's bizarro art world ... The Leftovers: April's terrible Luke portrait photo, BLUE THUNDER / WHITE LIGHTNING ... Freejack reference ... Maximo Munzi ... "Brandeis" ... Not smelling clay, thinking clay ... Science fair volcano ... Hallmark presents: Lobsterfest ... Date pickup at ex's house ... Wings take dream ... Rating: 2 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Where You Lead," by Carol King • "Halley's Waitress" by Fountains of Wayne • "Love the One You're With" by Crosby, Stills and Nash • "Caterpillar (Rabbit in the Moon Remix)" by DJ Keoki • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

SIMON MALOY helps us get a *little* mean and Dave gets a little tanked for ALL THINGS VALENTINE and: Simon's Hallmark bona fides ... What channel is your Hallmark Channel next to? ... One Dobbs makes you larger ... Does Simon secretly have a Quiverfull family? ... Pie chat ... A darkness in our nation ... The loneliness of getting mad online ... Maybe the corrosiveness of online IS the moral? ... The begged questions of a universe where real tragedies are: Re-gifting, Valentine's scrooges ... The perceived passivity of hegemonic politics, and it was only SEVEN dates ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Supersized! ... Batting cleanup: Gentlemanly moppet, dad's "Not All Men" advice, Kit and Pru's wholesome loving counterpoint ... Dave liked it; Simon's dislike starts melting under trope knowledge; Jeb praises the actors' work with a story of a loathsome troll ... Chatting with your friends about cyberbullying ... BREAK ... Journalismism: When the advice columnist is the marquee player; Managing Editor James Gammon; BOTH platforms; "The Coach"; investigating your own comments section; mods?; DOXING YOUR OWN COLUMNIST to expose her to a troll; an editor failing to exploit first-person suffering; College Mascot Lame-Off! ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: McKenna, the unloved (always female) facilitator who eats sh*t for other people's happiness vs. token moppet Tony Bolognese ... You wanna see my grandma's canary? ... Alex Jones Presents Tony Baloney's Eat Your Heart Out: Fondue montage; that's not caramelizing; the most erotic moment in a Hallmark movie to date (strawberry eating); Le Chocolaterie; I AM LISA THE CONFECTIONER; "There are some dinner rolls"; endlessly loading food; El Adobe and juiciest tacos; apologies for "the juiciest taco"; "These burritos remind me of parental abandonment!" ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Christmas-tree metaphor lady from The Mistletoe Inn vs. Hearts of Spring and All Things Valentine in a town of internet-tormentor couplings ... Overdetermined: Brendan's needless viciousness and advice-ignoring and "well, actuallying" vs. Making Brendan read the column telling McKenna to break up with him vs. Valentine's Day as "trauma," and high school dares ... Kit, the actually nice guy ... Avery's totally unsympathetic gender-defending father ... BREAK ... Crossover: Kit stars in "Alphabet City" or as Jeffrey Combs in The Frighteners vs. You've Got Mail meets The War of the Roses vs. Dave's a goldbricker! ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Avery WOULD pass with flying colors, but her career/family discussions are about the Valentine's holiday ... Howell Raines ... Idiot editor, but at least multicultural casting ... Leftovers: "That cat paid for my education" ... Hey, did I ever tell you about this traumatic experience? ... NFL coaches we'd rather see doing an advice column ... Jeb's petty typo ... Brendan: child-labor victim, Stockholm-syndrome oppressor sympathizer, rentier-class exploiter ... Tony Baloney just KILLING a Valentine's note ... "Thank you for coming to see my grandmother's canary" ... Tony Bologn, unbelievable ... RATING: 3 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "U-Mass," by The Pixies • "Land of 1,000 Dances" by Wilson Pickett • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #4

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING of Previously.tv and the Extra Hot Great podcast return for The Wedding March 2: Resorting to Love and have to realize that: The White House has a leak, needs a plumber! ... The Melman wedding ... THEME ... Wedding marching again and getting predictions wrong ... What catalogue is this like leafing through? ... Leaning into the problems of the first movie ... Canadian Fred Weller ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Wyatt (an heir who goes to STATE, by the way) ... Wagner's 110% effort, especially on dad paranoia ... Just exploit Wyatt already ... Mick's suicidal business plan ... Insufficient Duke ... A cappella warmup with the movie's single ... Mick and Olivia's INSANE celibacy ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Wyatt vs. Bridezilla vs. Mick and Olivia as mutual angels ... Classic Lines: Jack Wagner's useless disguise; chaste styles a couple cycles behind; bad rehearsal dinner hair; improved Josie Bissett wig; Ann Taylor loft, for sure; obscuring Bissett's enviable figure; Starburst-ass bowties; ill-fitting wedding gown; Bissett meets Warhol; fuchsia blazer, fuchsia shirt; dressing like Dianne Feinstein; *Seven Mary Three voice* Cumberbund; not a fan of the bund ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Eat Your Heart Out: Romantic dinner without romance; watered down wine; what the fuck was that wedding???; scattershot bridezilla; personalized ice sculptures; huge 34-person wedding; personalized cakes; cucumber-infused water ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Duck veterinarian; neighboring set visit; editors always editing; children's book editor from Magical Christmas Ornaments; Paul Greene and Erika Christensen's poached fried chicken ... Overdetermined: Hallmark can't mock crazy-elaborate weddings even as it needs to; badgering a husband who clearly regressively doesn't care; a doormat for every ballbreaker; angry at upselling; drone incompetence; Mick and Olivia pick a proxy fight ... The Blowjob Question ... Crossover: You've Got Mail (which sucked! and the evil people won!) vs. Better Call Saul scamming vs. Eating victim ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Completely no or ALMOST completely no ... Rating: 3, frequently baffled, never bored, too bridezilla'd ... More drones ... Leftovers: Special Marriage Dale Cooper ... Blake Shelton ... Melrose crossover, no McDonald's ... Double booking Univac ... Hugging your innkeeper ... Clip-art wedding logo and butt pendant ... Stanning for wallpaper ... His ass remains young ... Teaching "sha na na na na na" to your students ... We're marching back for #3! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "You and Me," by Jack Wagner • "Lighting Up the Night" by Jack Wagner • "Drivin' Miss Daisy" by Jack Wagner • "All I Need" by Jack Wagner • "Audrey's Dance" by Angelo Badalamenti • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #3

It's 2018's LOVE ON THE SLOPES and time to divide warrior from worrier with: Is your podcast repeating on you? ... THEME ... How was the Malort? ... Gin-adjacent European liquors ... "I threw up before we started recording this" ... Ghoulies II ... Toddler barf laughter ... BREAK ... Katrina Bowden and Thomas Beaudoin were terrific ... Extremely ungenerous female-lead plotting ... The Expositional Challenge ... Marmalard-ass boyfriend with no negative traits ... Astonishingly amicable sleigh-ride breakup ... Non-extreme extreme sports ... When female characters' cowardice crosses into incompetence ... Weezer shirts ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Journalismism: "A stable job that pays well"; employees can now brainstorm; get on a plane immediately; one-week cover story; Peter Pattakos, Cleveland Frowns shout-out; all day, LeBron, ALL DAY; belch interlude; Hallmark writing careers as could-have-been fulfillment; "World's Worst Beaches"; one-page cover story; Candace Bushnell-ism; beginning sentences with "for"; totally screwheaded ethical non-dilemma; Thomas Pynchon and JD Salinger cheapskating a diner ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Cole. It's Cole ... "Ma'am, please remove yourself" ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee klutz, burger ascetic, hot chocolate, flannel eater ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Denver religious postal detectives, "welcome back to butt chat," and Chabert's snowy Georgia vs. Bitty Kane, HT Cowell, Christmas tree metaphors, the Dave and Buster's caught on fire, and elephant gawking at Ukuthulha ... Living and dying inside the Danny Glover/Christmas Train Metaverse ... Overdetermined: Making a successful young woman totally childlike and useless vs. Worrier vs. Warrior ad nauseam and the ease of taking risks in a risk-free universe ... Carrie Bradshaw voiceover returns! ... Crossover: Extreme sports at the Overlook Hotel or the movie Ski School ... Hallmark Bechtel Test: Flying colors ... Partner Chat: Marital gloating, Jay Cutler doooonnnnn't caaaaaaare ... BREAK ... Leftovers: I guess you could say I coach peace of mind, Barton ... You're cool, Ohio/You're full of surprises, New York ... Thomas Beaudoin pulling winning gag faces ... Victorian-ass breakup dialogue ... Dubious iPhone beeping ... Extraordinary first-class boarding pass ... Rating: 2.5 ... Banff Motherf*cker ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "It Says Here (Alternative Version)" by Billy Bragg • "Hello Ladies (Val Venis Theme)" by WWE's Jim Johnston • NFL Primetime Theme #2 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne