It's Christmastown

Sweeten that studio magic, it's 2018's IT'S CHRISTMAS, EVE, featuring LeAnn Rimes and: One-year-anniversary gift of the magi ... Malaise forever! ... Scouting Report: Young Werther ... Casey Kasem ... Premature rating ... THEME ... Always Christmas/always New Year's Eve ... Pastiche of pastiches ... LeAnn Rimes: Dead-weight energy and stone face ... Junket/glad-handing impatient demeanor ... Thoroughly even keeled ... LeAnn doing original songs is originality enough ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Proactive dad with a website ... Original music ... Belted-out studio vocal track ... 100 percent *valid* Christmas tree lot ... Bantering dialogue like a table read ... Uneven emotional engagement ... Undermining degrees of Chandler-from-Friends spin ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Abby or, everyone but Eve ... Checking in with Hallmark sponsor Country Living Magazine: Maple Ridge or Chilliwack? ... Roving superintendent of schools ... Just try raising taxes, buttheads ... Just ADMIT that life has value outside of cash and quantification ... Jeremy Bentham and Karl Marx ... Eat Your Heart Out: Popcorn vat at A Christmas Carol vs. overdoing the hot chocolate ... Foreign currency jokes ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Every town vs. Larry Walker's hometown ... Overdetermined: Abandoning music since dad died vs. "small towns come together" ... An "Up in the Air" agent of austerity and unintentional villainy ... Crossover: Dangerous Minds vs. Up in the Air ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Ughhhhhhh, screw it, you tell us ... Partner Chat: "If you watch that, you'll get sick" vs. Matthew Perry vibe and Celebs With No Eyebrows dot Com ... LeAnn Rimes eyebrow chat ... Don't pee ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Letterman chat ... Love Actually, again ... "Idiot Control Now" ... "We're a Panabaker household" ... Bingo Jones ... Latin Anniversary ... Wyatt and Tate ... Jeb worked at a Hallmark store ... And Duck Head ... Homes SMOTHERED in merchandising ... Hitting the Snodgrass ... Laremy Tunsil shout-out ... Emoting your way to guitar godhood ... That ain't how pageloads work ... Spot the Charlie's Angel hairstyle ... RATING: 2.5 ... Dusty Baker, Panabaker ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "The Stars and Stripes Forever," by John Philip Sousa • "You and Me and Christmas" by LeAnn Rimes • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

KAREN GEIER is cookin' in our dang kitchen for 2018's CHRISTMAS JOY and: Rap game gingerbread ... Affected by Christmas on a German level ... Caganer: The Catalan pooping figurine ... I got a capon guy ... "Do y'all eat loons?" ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... What's sexier than a widower? ... Ersatz America without flavor ... A sorority recruitment video, but for marriage ... Department store in a train station ... An absence of egregious lines ... Spot the Angel: The Primum Mobile Aunt; rainmaking department store owner; Ben, a welter of self-abnegation ... Omnipresent stalker material ... Eat Your Heart Out: Insane ingredient list, barrels of milk, La Mansione, non-functional log kitchen, "Dirty Cookies," unclear about the terms of the cookie crawl, thawing cookies in a snow-covered barn, amazing Kitchen Aid mixer guy, communal labor ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Rocky Mountains of Georgia, Cartwright's vs. Weatherton's, a Lacey Chabert joint ... Overdetermined: Insane quit at the embarrassing gala showdown; 99 percent of city life is insanely boring; we here in small towns live in small towns; still "hitched" to being in Crystal Falls ... Crossover: Joy as a Scandinavian homicide cop vs. an Unseen Anne Hathaway movie vs. the gritty reboot of CITY WIFE ... Christmas in hospitals is terrible ... Doing Christmas drugs ... Wife absorbed alive by house ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: The "Wonderfold" Christmas diorama; conspicuous iPhone/MacBook placements; Southern Living cover shot; Balsam Hill Christmas ornaments; crappy-ass mosaic ornament ... German motivational abuse ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Insanely restrictive gingerbread competition ... Gettin' that d-ring binder ... Love letter to retail ... Prop master's mom photo ... WEAR A HAIRNET ... Mrs. Weatherton's paying for lies ... I love Gabrielle Rose, and one day we'll be together ... Cyber is the future ... "Love Actually" as the ultimate Hallmark movie ... Carolina Panthers Stadium in gingerbread ... RATING: 3, leaning higher ... MyDang.Kitchen ... Fight against recipes prefaced with personal stories ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Tit for Tat "Ain't No Taking Back" by James Brown • "Tears" by Giorgio Moroder • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • CLICK HERE FOR STILLS WE DISCUSSED FROM THE MOVIE.

Fascism and criticism abound in the bleak first entry of 2018's Countdown to Christmas, CHRISTMAS AT PEMBERLEY MANOR, including: "In Puke of Lost Turds" by Marcel Poops ... Sigmund Freud vs. The Wolfman ... THEME ... Beautiful and handsome ... A bad movie, it's very bad, folks, many people are saying it ... The Expositional Challenge ... A Seth MacFarlane joke of a plot ... The market cynicism of fan-fiction ... Santa Claus in Pride and Prejudice ... Every actor in a tonally different movie ... Names matched up and nothing else ... Jane Austen's Travis ... Jeb's fanboying the 1995 A&E/BBC Pride and Prejudice miniseries ... Chemistry void over the children's party ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Kristopher Klaus on granddad patrol ... Class-blind, accentless and Yeager-like ... The Right Stuff for Christmas ... Desaturated June in the Upside-Down ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, again; two performances unconnected and side-by-side ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Like a movie a Hallmark character would watch in a Hallmark movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: All or nothing, busybody Santa, expository gofer ... Travis: Nazi or CPAC attendee or? ... Crossover: Pride and Prejudice and Pride and Prejudice ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Absolutely not ... Steven Root's Partner Chat: Michael Rady appreciation; Pemberley Manor, the 2,500 sq. foot house; "Oh, how I long for a ____"; phoning in your fanfic ... BREAK ... A Brief Interlude About Anti-Semitism and Lou Dobbs, including: This is still a game for them; a "ZOG" bomb on Fox News; fan-service for people who love racist implications; ignoring harm to people you can't conceive of as human; Lou Dobbs poisoning your grandma; a world without backtrack or apology; "Fascism! I'm gonna live forever!" ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Elaine Hendrix's fantastic eyebrows ... Holiday cheer on your own time, ladies ... Michael Rady, professional baleful gazer ... Darcy emotionally toying with The Sad Mayor ... Binders are people, my friend ... I am Serious Mayor, this is Serious Festival ... The Hamsterdam of egg nog ... A satisfying moment of Lowndes puttin' on the melisma ... Ah, I see you're reading WESTERN literature ... Pretending you're cold in June ... Pump-thermos coffee ... Tony Shalhoub, listen to this episode ... Lady, it's a porch ... Manufactured quit and three-way quit ... A terrible one-sided phone call ... Mayor Wickham's execution lever ... Rating: 1 ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "2 Become 1," by The Spice Girls • "Reel Ten" by The Plugz • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's 2015's PORTRAIT OF LOVE and time for Logan Echolls to: Pour water on your own damn computer ... THEME ... A Chopped basket of movies ... What are you even acting well in? ... The Expositional Challenge: Failed! ... Corbin Bernsen shot this in 30 minutes ... Street-legal sushi ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Jess, first among equals; birthing replacement customers for Stan's diner; maximum child acting; biking while sobbing; a busybodying "force of nature"; everyone in town has nothing in their lives but Luke and April ... Eat Your Heart Out: Alex Jones uncovers the truth about Stars Hollow; ice cream and liquids; giant salad tongs with pasta; Dave's Gilmore Girls ignorance/inheritance ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's Inverse Heisenberg principle; the town at the center of the Hallmark universe; no movie summaries on Wikipedia; Luke's time-comet time paradox-based breakup ... Overdetermined: Relentless "telling, not showing" placeholder text vs. Luke's fear of failure and April's fear of abandonment ... My Wife The Innings Eater, or: The casual disposability of dead Hallmark spouses ... BREAK ... Crossover: When Star's Hollow's Stars Hollow it's Stars Hollow; Harry Hamlin, Milo Ventimiglia and Enrico Colantoni star in "The Harrowing"; Jess Franco's Stars Hollow ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes early, racing toward no at the end; I get it, French class ... Partner Chat: Jigsaw hooky; Kate shuts the door; Hallmark's bizarro art world ... The Leftovers: April's terrible Luke portrait photo, BLUE THUNDER / WHITE LIGHTNING ... Freejack reference ... Maximo Munzi ... "Brandeis" ... Not smelling clay, thinking clay ... Science fair volcano ... Hallmark presents: Lobsterfest ... Date pickup at ex's house ... Wings take dream ... Rating: 2 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Where You Lead," by Carol King • "Halley's Waitress" by Fountains of Wayne • "Love the One You're With" by Crosby, Stills and Nash • "Caterpillar (Rabbit in the Moon Remix)" by DJ Keoki • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

SIMON MALOY helps us get a *little* mean and Dave gets a little tanked for ALL THINGS VALENTINE and: Simon's Hallmark bona fides ... What channel is your Hallmark Channel next to? ... One Dobbs makes you larger ... Does Simon secretly have a Quiverfull family? ... Pie chat ... A darkness in our nation ... The loneliness of getting mad online ... Maybe the corrosiveness of online IS the moral? ... The begged questions of a universe where real tragedies are: Re-gifting, Valentine's scrooges ... The perceived passivity of hegemonic politics, and it was only SEVEN dates ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Supersized! ... Batting cleanup: Gentlemanly moppet, dad's "Not All Men" advice, Kit and Pru's wholesome loving counterpoint ... Dave liked it; Simon's dislike starts melting under trope knowledge; Jeb praises the actors' work with a story of a loathsome troll ... Chatting with your friends about cyberbullying ... BREAK ... Journalismism: When the advice columnist is the marquee player; Managing Editor James Gammon; BOTH platforms; "The Coach"; investigating your own comments section; mods?; DOXING YOUR OWN COLUMNIST to expose her to a troll; an editor failing to exploit first-person suffering; College Mascot Lame-Off! ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: McKenna, the unloved (always female) facilitator who eats sh*t for other people's happiness vs. token moppet Tony Bolognese ... You wanna see my grandma's canary? ... Alex Jones Presents Tony Baloney's Eat Your Heart Out: Fondue montage; that's not caramelizing; the most erotic moment in a Hallmark movie to date (strawberry eating); Le Chocolaterie; I AM LISA THE CONFECTIONER; "There are some dinner rolls"; endlessly loading food; El Adobe and juiciest tacos; apologies for "the juiciest taco"; "These burritos remind me of parental abandonment!" ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Christmas-tree metaphor lady from The Mistletoe Inn vs. Hearts of Spring and All Things Valentine in a town of internet-tormentor couplings ... Overdetermined: Brendan's needless viciousness and advice-ignoring and "well, actuallying" vs. Making Brendan read the column telling McKenna to break up with him vs. Valentine's Day as "trauma," and high school dares ... Kit, the actually nice guy ... Avery's totally unsympathetic gender-defending father ... BREAK ... Crossover: Kit stars in "Alphabet City" or as Jeffrey Combs in The Frighteners vs. You've Got Mail meets The War of the Roses vs. Dave's a goldbricker! ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Avery WOULD pass with flying colors, but her career/family discussions are about the Valentine's holiday ... Howell Raines ... Idiot editor, but at least multicultural casting ... Leftovers: "That cat paid for my education" ... Hey, did I ever tell you about this traumatic experience? ... NFL coaches we'd rather see doing an advice column ... Jeb's petty typo ... Brendan: child-labor victim, Stockholm-syndrome oppressor sympathizer, rentier-class exploiter ... Tony Baloney just KILLING a Valentine's note ... "Thank you for coming to see my grandmother's canary" ... Tony Bologn, unbelievable ... RATING: 3 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "U-Mass," by The Pixies • "Land of 1,000 Dances" by Wilson Pickett • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #4

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING of Previously.tv and the Extra Hot Great podcast return for The Wedding March 2: Resorting to Love and have to realize that: The White House has a leak, needs a plumber! ... The Melman wedding ... THEME ... Wedding marching again and getting predictions wrong ... What catalogue is this like leafing through? ... Leaning into the problems of the first movie ... Canadian Fred Weller ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Wyatt (an heir who goes to STATE, by the way) ... Wagner's 110% effort, especially on dad paranoia ... Just exploit Wyatt already ... Mick's suicidal business plan ... Insufficient Duke ... A cappella warmup with the movie's single ... Mick and Olivia's INSANE celibacy ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Wyatt vs. Bridezilla vs. Mick and Olivia as mutual angels ... Classic Lines: Jack Wagner's useless disguise; chaste styles a couple cycles behind; bad rehearsal dinner hair; improved Josie Bissett wig; Ann Taylor loft, for sure; obscuring Bissett's enviable figure; Starburst-ass bowties; ill-fitting wedding gown; Bissett meets Warhol; fuchsia blazer, fuchsia shirt; dressing like Dianne Feinstein; *Seven Mary Three voice* Cumberbund; not a fan of the bund ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Eat Your Heart Out: Romantic dinner without romance; watered down wine; what the fuck was that wedding???; scattershot bridezilla; personalized ice sculptures; huge 34-person wedding; personalized cakes; cucumber-infused water ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Duck veterinarian; neighboring set visit; editors always editing; children's book editor from Magical Christmas Ornaments; Paul Greene and Erika Christensen's poached fried chicken ... Overdetermined: Hallmark can't mock crazy-elaborate weddings even as it needs to; badgering a husband who clearly regressively doesn't care; a doormat for every ballbreaker; angry at upselling; drone incompetence; Mick and Olivia pick a proxy fight ... The Blowjob Question ... Crossover: You've Got Mail (which sucked! and the evil people won!) vs. Better Call Saul scamming vs. Eating victim ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Completely no or ALMOST completely no ... Rating: 3, frequently baffled, never bored, too bridezilla'd ... More drones ... Leftovers: Special Marriage Dale Cooper ... Blake Shelton ... Melrose crossover, no McDonald's ... Double booking Univac ... Hugging your innkeeper ... Clip-art wedding logo and butt pendant ... Stanning for wallpaper ... His ass remains young ... Teaching "sha na na na na na" to your students ... We're marching back for #3! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "You and Me," by Jack Wagner • "Lighting Up the Night" by Jack Wagner • "Drivin' Miss Daisy" by Jack Wagner • "All I Need" by Jack Wagner • "Audrey's Dance" by Angelo Badalamenti • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #3

It's 2018's LOVE ON THE SLOPES and time to divide warrior from worrier with: Is your podcast repeating on you? ... THEME ... How was the Malort? ... Gin-adjacent European liquors ... "I threw up before we started recording this" ... Ghoulies II ... Toddler barf laughter ... BREAK ... Katrina Bowden and Thomas Beaudoin were terrific ... Extremely ungenerous female-lead plotting ... The Expositional Challenge ... Marmalard-ass boyfriend with no negative traits ... Astonishingly amicable sleigh-ride breakup ... Non-extreme extreme sports ... When female characters' cowardice crosses into incompetence ... Weezer shirts ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Journalismism: "A stable job that pays well"; employees can now brainstorm; get on a plane immediately; one-week cover story; Peter Pattakos, Cleveland Frowns shout-out; all day, LeBron, ALL DAY; belch interlude; Hallmark writing careers as could-have-been fulfillment; "World's Worst Beaches"; one-page cover story; Candace Bushnell-ism; beginning sentences with "for"; totally screwheaded ethical non-dilemma; Thomas Pynchon and JD Salinger cheapskating a diner ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Cole. It's Cole ... "Ma'am, please remove yourself" ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee klutz, burger ascetic, hot chocolate, flannel eater ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Denver religious postal detectives, "welcome back to butt chat," and Chabert's snowy Georgia vs. Bitty Kane, HT Cowell, Christmas tree metaphors, the Dave and Buster's caught on fire, and elephant gawking at Ukuthulha ... Living and dying inside the Danny Glover/Christmas Train Metaverse ... Overdetermined: Making a successful young woman totally childlike and useless vs. Worrier vs. Warrior ad nauseam and the ease of taking risks in a risk-free universe ... Carrie Bradshaw voiceover returns! ... Crossover: Extreme sports at the Overlook Hotel or the movie Ski School ... Hallmark Bechtel Test: Flying colors ... Partner Chat: Marital gloating, Jay Cutler doooonnnnn't caaaaaaare ... BREAK ... Leftovers: I guess you could say I coach peace of mind, Barton ... You're cool, Ohio/You're full of surprises, New York ... Thomas Beaudoin pulling winning gag faces ... Victorian-ass breakup dialogue ... Dubious iPhone beeping ... Extraordinary first-class boarding pass ... Rating: 2.5 ... Banff Motherf*cker ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "It Says Here (Alternative Version)" by Billy Bragg • "Hello Ladies (Val Venis Theme)" by WWE's Jim Johnston • NFL Primetime Theme #2 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne

DESI JEDEIKIN of the Hollywood Crime Scene podcast self-censors for Love on Safari (2018), Jeb mispronouncing "ukuthula" and: Jeb f*cking up an intro ... Desi is custom-made for Lifetime Original Movies ... Whipsawing male emotions in a waiting room ... Publix ... The Expositional Challenge ... A web marketer who never hustles ... Leading man resting-sneer face ... "Make the elephant go viral" ... Scottsdale vs. Swimming with sharks ... Falling in love with a large inheritance ... Grandmotherly Chabert kiss ... Spot the Angel: The "magical negro" vs. the selfless stepsister ... Creeping a Hallmark director's Instagram ... REAL South Africa, not just British Columbia ... Flowers in the Attic ... Eat Your Heart Out: Vanishing chef, ample iced tea, cookies cookies cookies ... Eating while your feet are in a damn pool ... Invite Desi to a white party ... Ice hotel ... Classic Lines: The stiffest cardigan, Fat Martin Shkreli's Miami Vice Cartel Collection and feckless villainy, The Linda Ronstadt Safari Catalog, sweaters in the heat, stilettos in gravel ... Hallmark Extended Universe: Benson LLC and the Radcliffe Center again ... Overdetermined: Don't be afraid to take risks, "you've changed since you've been here," "getting lost means finding the path" and when the theme song is the movie title ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: Hearts of Darkness ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: The romance/preserve plots are self-defeating ... Leftovers: Chancery! Papyrus! Fonts! ... Romcom capery music colliding with deleted-scene Lion King music ... Desi researches message boards ... An insane Toto grievance ... An African proverb about redundancy ... The love of my life Brad ... Identifying local stakeholders ... Six guests, one soul handshake and Papyrus again ... White vacationers' imperialist awakenings ... Rating: 2 (The Softest Cheese) ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "George of the Jungle Theme," by Stan Worth and Sheldon Allman • "Grazing in the Grass" by Hugh Masekela • "Tusk (Extended Version)" by Fleetwood Mac • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #1 • Follow Desi here!

It's 2016's ANYTHING FOR LOVE and time to hide your identity for: The menace of online dating ... Merry Christmas from Jordan Peterson ... Theme ... Jeb's 3 Favorite NFL season things ... Ryan Fitzpatrick appreciation station ... We liked this movie! ... Meet the cast ... Surly teen patient par annoycellence ... Fizzy writing, groaning tropes ... Brutal closing speech via hospital PA ... Famous (man's) last words (again) ... The Expositional Challenge ... Swimfan, The Faculty, Buñuel ... Erika Christensen appreciation station ... Chemistry: forced early, steadily improving, good listening ... "It's the Dead Wife Scene" ... Tropey but, like, Shakespeare tropey ... Spot the Angel: Dating buddies vs. Jack himself ... Men introducing women to common elements of American society ... 90-second 11th-hour Hallmark quit scene ... Million Dollar Man Charles Q. Boyfriend ... Yanni, Laurel, Murse ... Eat Your Heart Out: Guys knowing "a place" like The King of Fried Chicken; in this house we respect The Colonel; fake Glenn Greenwald and Wright Thompson; to-go foil swans ... Charles the hostile, kiss-assaultive Wine Clown ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Erika Christensen chewing out the Radcliffe Center vs. Cartwright's landlord, looking deep into Wisconsin ... Overdetermined: Catcher in the Rye vs. Pride and Prejudice ... Katherine's father Woody Johnson ... Chad Pennington appreciation station ... Crossover: Traffic vs. Extreme Measures ... The Swagony of Defeat: Heart keychains ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes??? Maybe??? ... Partner Chat: An "emotional" ending and Paul Greene fandom vs. looks and money change things; skewed vision of doctors and nurses; nurse with infinite time; female self-effacement to protect the fragile male ego ... Leftovers: "I'm not going to let this Radcliffe deal fail, Kitten" ... The Gist ... Duck-walkin' the bowlin' alley ... Ironing jeans, helmet hair ... Overdressed to meet the King of Fried Chicken ... Jack's buddy Reggie running with "You're The Worst" energy ... Suicide door on a chump car ... Rating: 4.5 • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase Theme • NFL Primetime Theme #9 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne

It's 2017's THE PERFECT CATCH and we are ready to: Play ball! ... Macho Man Randy Savage: fundamentally extreme, underappreciated ballplayer ... Doc Hollywooded in New England ... Rising Sun: racism, nudity, choking ... The Tia Carrere expanded universe ... Other people's driving paranoia ... Why are we talking about reiki healing? ... A rolling thunder of ailments ... Boneskin's waiting ... Kid looks like Ben Shapiro ... The Expositional Challenge ... Dave trusted his stuff too much ... Tea-sipping parents and Herb the insurance salesman ... The Agatha Christie Chart of Casual Late-Imperial Racism ... A replacement-level romcom without enough time to develop its stuff ... The CUP List: "Botown"; Kevin Goldstein's scouting report; throwing eephus pucks; an empty $40-$90 million career; Troy Percival's spasmodic intensity; pitching face; Byung-hyun Kim; insane negging father; no retirement plan ... "Friends on set" ... Spot the Angel: Everyone is everyone's; Newhart refugee ... Eat Your Heart Out: Omelet envy; avocado bankruptcy; good food choices; what is with all the food trucks???; universal dumplings ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Fan-service listing all co-localities; the wet park of Blair/Daniel Jackson; wet, trampled grass in mottled fields; remembering borked ballfields; dirt viscosity ... Overdetermined: Everything expository from Wes/Shapiro ... Crossover: Twin Peaks, Fox Mulder and Ice Cube; shoplifting the pootie; Ben Shapiro getting dribbled ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Ambiguous! ... Partner Chat: Wes the Whinebucket; French new wave film; "one of us!"; no visible falls; small town, no economy; useless misogyny about sports moms; "tornado and cicada season"; no diner in a town of 2,000 needs to advertise; diner menu "bluff" items ... PLUGGING! ... Leftovers: Colbie Caillat ... Diner closes at 9 ... Leaving Botown for SoCal ... New LA experiences ... He has a carphone and looks at himself in the mirror ... Boyfriend dating Jessica so she can buy alcohol ... Le Specter • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Speaking From The Heart," by Macho Man Randy Savage • "Talkin' Softball" by The Simpsons • "Did You See Jackie Robinson Hit That Ball?" by Count Basie and His Orchestra • NFL Primetime Theme #8 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne