It's Christmastown

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns to exquisitely loath The Mistletoe Inn and: The world's worst writing metaphor ... THEME ... Sara Kate hates the movie and the lead ... NOT a crush on Alicia Witt ... Too nuanced an actress to nail broad antic/slapstick (still not a crush) ... David Alpay nod ... The Expositional Challenge: Pseudonymous Revenge ... 9/11 non-existence and surprise plane tickets ... A Scandinavian Doubletree ... A whole movie of "that's not a thing" ... Residence Inn outside, Holiday Inn lobby, office building rooms ... Accidentally authentic conference alienation ... Who runs this conference and for whom? ... What is this writing competition??? ... Snow dementia ... Spot the Angel: Each other's angels, or Sam ... Flawed tweed/male-writer subplot ... HT Cowell should work for Brazzers ... Eat Your Heart Out: Lifelong preemptive quitter vs. Christmas-themed and writer cocktails vs. Nut cart vs. Crepe cart vs. Hotel clown show vs. Turkey roast! vs. SO rude ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Boutique Christmas-romance publisher vs. News frolic vs. Same main street ... Overdetermined: Stakes reminder vs. Shattered keynote speaker vs. "Take a risk!" vs. INSANE breakup clip vs. When your rounding error correction is a round error vs. EVERYTHING ABOUT WRITING IS WRONG ... Crossover: Sara Kate's Queen Latifah pull vs. Turkish Stephen King/In the Mouth of Christmas vs. Defeat ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, but yes. Partner Chat: Wrongly equating success with self, candle continuity ... Hotel Leone trutherism: taller than the Chrysler Building, wall AC units, stores and spaces in Vancouver's historic Sinclair Center, Sam should be HT Cowell, INSANE SUICIDE PROLOGUE, Insufficient motivation ... Leftovers: CHRISTMAS. TREE. LOT. FUNDA. MENTALS ... Alicia Witt: Unnatural runner, natural 3/4 arm slot ... Team Rude ... So f*ck you, Edith Wharton ... Nutcracker ... Rating: Tangy and Unsettling ... We did it! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "New Word," by Alicia Witt and "About Me," by Alicia Witt • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #7 • Follow Sara Kate here!

ROBERT WHEEL uses his potty mouth to announce which children are sick and which are goldbrickers in 2017's Magical Christmas Ornaments, and tends to: Mort, the original gangster ... Bobby to Hallmark: Dreck, Blecch! ... The Expositional Challenge ... A Hallmark podcast talking about podcasts in Hallmark ... How SHORT could this movie be? ... Tiny Tim and Medical Urchinosis ... Office hospital ... Munchausen by Christmas ... Small kitchen, large vermin ... Spot the Angel: Mom or ornament? ... Refreshing Tim Matheson ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bobby goes for the X rating, cookie-speared cupcake, gingerbread Groupon ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Children's book publishing vs. The Real Housewives vs. Ina Bruckner's revenge ... Danica McKellar, please fight Dave ... Overdetermined: Ornamental lingering vs. Quentin Tarantino's "Feet" vs. exhausting exposition ... Crossover: Poltergeist ornaments vs. exhausted archetypes vs. Bringing Out The Dead ... Breslin radio ... Bourbon bastard bro writer ... The Swagony of Defeat: Surprisingly modest for a product-placement movie, Sanibel Island geography, hot pants, Jesus Christ ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Partner Chat: So I Married An Axe Murderer; architectural quibble; HIPAA ... WASP Ken Marino or Canadian Luke Wilson? ... Ken Marino, please wrestle Dave ... Leftovers: Dave, fight Michael Bublé ... More on Hallmark's bizarre proto-Marxism ... Oh hai, Dickens ..."The Time of Our Lives": The Facebook post of a barely literate divorcé ... Rating: 2 • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Gingerbread Man (Instrumental)" by Gucci Mane • "Whoa, Girl (Just Boobin')" by Kidd Luv (feat. Johnny Boob) • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #5 • Follow Bobby here!

JAY W. FRIEDMAN and CHRIS COLLISION of IDEOTV get incredible value with Garage Store Mysteries: Murder By Text (2017) and: Dual Hallmark noobs ... Lori Loughlin Recognition Station ... Movies for people in the kitchen ... Papyrus credits ... Cozy mystery love ... Older actresses, missed faces ... The Expositional Challenge ... Drunk/mumblecore husband ... Condo-blocking dad ... Sarah Strange: Great actress, bad C-plot ... I am under your sink, look at all these crystals ... How was this as a mystery? ... Don't remind audiences of better works ... John Bender's Dad's Garage Stain Mysteries ... Spot the Criminal: Manager, city planning at sea, overthinking, budget Breckin Meyer, can't make the POC the killer ... Eat Your Heart Out: Donut or bear claw?, sex omelette, giant mom wineglass, pander or empathy?, parental cooking shade ... Bumper-clowned by your daughter ... Contractor foiled by stickers ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Janeway Holodeck episodes, fired under an assumed name at Cartwright's ... Overdetermined: Christie/Conan Doyle callbacks/misquotes, junk store security clearance and tour shopping, "True To You" overemphasis, active imagination and a flash drive ... Crossover: Developer Dad starts a Ski School, Dalton Riverdale, Ditech Detective's World of Humiliation, Dalton's Road House ... DALTON Chat ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: "Garage Rock Mystery: Murder by Skank" ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Flying colors, but with Bud Bundy-Level brother work ... Leftovers: One of the least plausible live-music depictions possible ... Where's the real noose, the voided bowers and the petechial hemorrhaging? ... Wiseass mortician ... Hijab via Laura Ashley ... Animated vs. Brooding Loughlin ... Contractors LOVE historical designations ... Drunk, Boomhauer-ass dad ... Half-Stalloned, unemployed secret construction detective ... Dad detective ... Fake Google ... Getting watched watching Hallmark ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Watching the Detectives" by Elvis Costello • "The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #4 • Click to listen to Chris, Jay and Jeb discuss "The Way of the Shadow Wolves."

KEITH BUCKLEY, author and lead singer of Every Time I Die joins us for 2016's Dater's Handbook and: Giambis ... REO Speedwagon ... They shoot Go-Go's, don't they? ... Rick Derringer, BOC and Nas memories ... The Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle ... Royal wedding/Hallmark crossover ... Food snitching: UNFORGIVABLE ... Artistic Hallmark ... Mindwarped by Lifetime ... The Duchess does ALL her own stunts ... Meghan Markle is good ... Jarred by emotional realness ... The Expositional Challenge ... Dr. Susie ... Cocktail dresses, winter rain ... G-rated racy ... "Negging" funny-guys ... Pigtail pulling and desire without sex ... Lifetime: Nothing Is Safe ... Nerf tension ... Never get upset ... Spot The Angel: Wedding children, romcom atheism and David Duke's sister ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dinner in Oz, snitches get stitches, Keith would NOT marry the Duchess of Sussex, PASTRIES, authentic Bennigan's, thankless wings ... Good sports! ... Duane Laimbeer redux ... Meet your own Shmoiz ... Allergic and Unaware of It ... 100% subordinate failure rate ... The Devner Broncos ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christian postal detectives vs. yoga pants ... Overdetermined: Lampshading Uber Alles vs. Handbook formatting vs. Dater's Handbook thinking, Meet 'n' greet bullshit ... "He's A Killer 4" ... Wine Clown George: Too stuffy for middle management, kinda My Fair Lady, still kinda Keith's boy ... The Swagony of Defeat: Free lampshading with Prime ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, absolutely not ... Partner Chat: Cocktail dress, toddler party; Canadian brother; a family divide on embracing linear sincerity ... Rating: 5 stars ... Goodbye to Keith ... Leftovers: Real athletico ... Hal-9000's dinner suite ... Chekhov's Chicken Wing ... John Galt and the Affordable Atlas Shrugged ... Kristoffer Polaha's rescuing wryness ... Pants Spumone ... Jive-ass putt-putt ... "George's uptightness" duel ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult • "In A Gadda Da Vida," by Iron Butterfly • "Take It on the Run," by REO Speedwagon • "Third and Wrong" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne. • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #3 • GET KEITH'S NEW BOOK HERE.

TREVOR "HEGELBON" STRUNK, host of the No Cartridge podcast joins us for 2017's Eat, Play, Love and: Veterinary Professionals' Day! ... Hallmark spousal osmosis ... Sneaky weirdness ... We Rate Dogs: The Movie ... Wisdom by tchochke ... The Expositional Challenge... Very relatable dog-related senior citizen B-plot ... Sexless chat with the pair Most Likely to Get Married ... Peppy ponytail guy, sans ponytail ... Gymboree Club Fed, for dogs ... Emotionally constipated time-travel paradox ... College: The #1 mistake ... Dave's Theory of Hallmark Estrangement Stasis ... Breakup without conflict, reconciliation without effort or apology ... Spot the Angel: Ice cream Michelle vs. Beasley's increasing dog calamities ... Classic Lines: Trendy elementary school glasses, overalls, bad sweaters, comfortable Lindsay Wagner ... Eat Your Heart Out: Crepes? It's crepes!; salad sauce; steak 'n' cantaloupe; "I have so many flavors right now" ... Insulting or pandering? ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Kristi's informercial and Christmastown romance; Tulipomania! ... Overdetermined: Carly's closing "Ich bin ein this dog" speech; dog emotional projection; Kristi's evil; found in a ditch; Beasley knows who loves you ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: A Princess Declawed... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Nope ... Partner Chat: Sharing a story is good, the movie not as much; ad-libbed Twitter bio ... Mike Francesa on Twitter ... Leftovers: It's A Dog's Life With Union Carbide ... Hot or cold? ... The Canine Connector ... Shopping montage ... Plugs and Internet Badboy Jesse Farrar ... It's not Hall of Fame, Veterans Committee, it's not Hall of Fame! ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Walking the Dog," by Rufus Thomas • "Wait You Dog," by Mabel John • "The Dog," by Rufus Thomas • "Dog Police," by Dog Police • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #9 • Opening and closing interstitial music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne.

SARA KATE WILKINSON joins us for 2016's Summer in the City and: Her beautiful mind ... Hey, buddy ... A strangely mature romcom written by a teen (City Girl, Part 2) ... Plot in 60 Seconds... Can't ride bike, can drive commercial truck ... 9/11 Didn't Happen in the Hallmark Universe ... Is it conspiracy, oversight or taste? ... When Manhattan's Manhattan ... The one-chord difference between Hallmark and Lifetime ... Classic Lines: "Smurf Strangulation: An Ann Taylor Loft Mystery" ... The niece theory of wearing everything ... Goth gaucho pants ... It ends with cocaine ... Stately Natasha Henstridge ... Spot the Angel: Old Testament Maniac ... Eat Your Heart Out: "Women Laughing At Salad"; Cincinnati chili, the boldest dietary date move; DiGiorno-ass pizza; Food Doctor Desert Storm; Phil's Target-Rich Eats ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Pam's back-home omni-movie; Did Hallmark's rudest ingenue have sex mid-film?; Christie Burke and Marla Sokoloff Appreciation Station ... The Bullock/Cusack Test: Accidental menace cut with "fear of New York" ... The quitter moment ... Overdetermined: "How DARE you encourage me, The Insane Quitter" vs. "Drug Addicted White Slaver" vs. The Expanse vs. Lifetime Creep ... Crossover... Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Partner Chat: Peppa Pig, don't roast The Gap, implied fringe, Mother Goose Club ... Leftovers!: Fake Google spotted ... Online presence, no store ... VIRTUAL REALITY ... What were you doing with your dream, Taylor? ... Cleaning the rummage room in a non-9/11 reality ... Cookie bait again ... Unironic Kimmy Schmidt ... Chili/Cuban reprise ... Amblin' divas ... Unrelated implied women's cult ... Rental snob ... Two listings and out ... LYLAS! ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Wan tIt," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Cities in Dust" by Siouxie and the Banshees • "Blood Bitch," by Cocteau Twins • "Happy House," by Siouxie and the Banshees • "The Movement of Fear," by Tones on Tail • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #8 • Opening and closing interstitial music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne.

Welcome to our podcast and to the silly, sweet, extremely gentle and sometimes accidentally menacing world of Hallmark Original Movies. This podcast began as Patreon bonus content, and nearly 24 hours of podcasts strung over 18 episodes (and featuring guests like CNN's Andy Levy, Deadspin founder Will Leitch, Mic Dicta co-host Charles Star, and Tara Ariano and Sarah D. Bunting of Previously.TV) can still be found at Patreon.com/ThisWeekInAtrocity, as well as upcoming full-episode reviews of TNT's The Last Ship and longer interviews.