Easter candies and matzo crackers go on sale this week! No white smoke yet though, so David Waldman and Greg Dworkin were both available to work on today’s show.

The Pope met with JD Vance, then… Marjorie Taylor Greene rejoiced, but not hardly as much the Antichrist, who posted self-exultations in his triumph over the forces of good, then went golfing.

Pete Kegsbreath's phone seems to have sucked up the contact info of his wife and brother to include them in another Signal war-room chat... Shaaa-(Hic!)-zam! Darn those anonymous (cough, mike waltz) smears! If it weren’t for all of those snitches, Pete would still be doing a great job! Facts just keep making Hic-seth look bad, like they do Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem losing her purse with $3000 in cash, or R-S.C. Nancy Mace losing her ever-loving mind with a voter. Or the latest IRS commissioner… or the one before him, or the one before, or the one before. Or the six thugs who assaulted a woman in that Idaho town hall.

Elon Musk is no genius, but he’s no dummy.

Even with so many idiots, the terror escalates. American citizens are being swept off to detainment centers even as Senator Chris Van Hollen and most of the Supreme Court fight to make things right. MAGA DNGAF and think that’s cool. Trump’s plan in Ukraine is “rape, pillage, kill”, similar to their plan for universities, if they’d just let them.

Senior citizens, boomers and boomers-at-heart are at the heart of nationwide Trump protests.

On today’s KITM, David Waldman delivers us to the weekend and parks us right under the cloud of another mass shooting. Well, you can’t say this shooter was the quiet type who always kept to themselves that you’d never guess…

Senator Chris Van Hollen went to El Salvador and met Kilmar Abrego Garcia, yet neither one of their heads have appeared on pikes behind Donald K. Trump in a press briefing, so I guess things are better than I thought, and less what Sebastian Gorka wishes they were.

A judge has also kept Trump from ordering hundreds of thousands of Cubans, Haitians, Nicaraguans and Venezuelans to leave the country, but like the heads on pikes, we don’t know what this weekend will bring.

Trump did promise to end the war in Ukraine easily within 24 hours. Of course, if it takes longer, or becomes difficult, that offer is void.

Measles and E. coli spread, but not as fast as Russian chatbot disinformation.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here today, with a 50% reduction in staffing projected for tomorrow. You don’t even want to know what is planned for Saturday.

Hey, any human system will produce simple clerical errors, amirite? And afterwords, lie about it, lie again, and again, then stonewall any investigation, then smear and threaten the investigators, then really threaten the investigators, I mean we’ve all been there… Oh lord, Kilmar Abrego Garcia is already dead, isn’t he?

The thing that Trump does, before he quits doing it, is do it as bad as he can, so we can expect a lot worse. People are fighting back even as fighting back becomes riskier. MAGA, meanwhile, demands even more scalps. Trump will get high-flow showerheads and incandescent bulbs and coal power whether anyone else wants them or not. Especially if no one wants them. Who’s going to tell him differently?

Well, Trump did call off a strike on Iran nuclear sites. We’ll probably find out how that happened in the next (Hic) seth leaks… if we don’t read it on Signal first.

Law firms who had let Donald pussygrab them might soon be dismayed to find him coming back for more. The Ivy League resistance, however, is just getting started.

Remember Ron DeSantis? Donald K. Trump doesn’t, so Ron has been having an increasingly difficult time keeping accountability from creeping up on him. Speaking of creeps, Frederick Piccolo Jr., a former Ron DeSantis spokesman, was caught exposing his Freddy Piccolo Jr. 4 too many times.

Remember Mike Lindell? No, me neither.

David Waldman brings us to today’s KITM, which is certainly a day. Greg Dworkin joins us with a slew packed into his Raft O’ Stories™!

What happens if a president and the federal government fail to follow a judge's orders? This administration couldn’t just Google the answer to that, could they? If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. But, if you only lie, you also don’t need to remember anything, yet you have nothing to be responsible for. Of course, judges have to come along and harsh everyone’s mellow.

Trump has a point; El Salvador’s Hotel California is intended to be our NIMBY death-camp. Americans hate it when clerical errors happen in front of our faces. If people return from being disappeared, it kind of defeats the purpose. 

Harvard University has decided to defeat Trump’s purpose, which might cost them a couple of billion in funding. Then again, Columbia has turned about, and hopefully other universities are taking notes. Meanwhile, Maine is showing other states how it’s done.

Canadians are quick studies. The slowest of the slow learners, incumbent Democrats, are just beginning to find out. Are they bright enough to come out against the Trump Tariffs, though?  Trump’s Tariff Disaster might last longer than the dollar. Time for coders to retrain as coal miners, and preschoolers to jumpstart their careers in operating textile looms.

Luckily, Elon Musk has been incel-seeding his own master race, for exactly these circumstances. Rumor has it that Elon’s way past second base with Shivon Zilis… She could be the one! Civil rights are for losers.

Shortly after yesterday’s show, David Waldman thought of some more stuff he wanted to tell you. If anything else comes up, we will be sure to let you know tomorrow.

If you’re one of KITM’s many hardcore MAGA followers, you’re probably reading this in your local rural diner, sipping a cup o’ joe, digging into your confit pork belly and rye pain with extra cheese, contemplating how you’ve become objectively superior in all ways to all people, and frankly just hotter than everyone around you... That’s when you get that text from Elon wondering where you are and telling you to get back to work… sigh.

DOGE never was about finding fraud and saving money. It’s always been about digitally couping for the lulz. It’s about taking what they want because they can. It’s about knocking the biggest things over, then daring anyone to prove that they did it.

Why, that’s obviously immoral, illegal, inhuman! Oh look, now they want reparations...

The weekend provided no respite from tariff whiplash. And the tariff whiplash (and attendant cheerleading) just drove the rest of the economy that much further down. Greg Dworkin even titled the APR with a warning. And of course, when you’ve lost Ross Douthat, you’ve temporarily lost Ross Douthat.

Trump spent the weekend snubbing VIPs and watching the wrong people win sporting events.

In other weekend excitement—or incitement, as the case may be—there was a little extracurricular activity at the Pennsylvania Governor’s mansion.

Nayib Bukele is in town today. “Cool!” We’ll see whether he “facilitates” Trump’s defiance of the courts, or moots the whole issue (which he, like me, sees as just a contracts issue) by “gifting” Kilmar Abrego García back to the United States. Either way, we’re preparing to ship still more people to El Salvador, despite the 90% “error” rate. And this extremely poor record is impacting evidence-free student round-ups not at all!

The protests continue this weekend. Good thing, too!

New for your radar: Binance wants the regulatory dogs called off, while it’s busy trying to bribe Trump.

And the latest trend in DOGE sleight-of-hand: declaring immigration targets “dead,” so that they lose their benefits, work papers, insurance, bank accounts, and pretty much everything else that makes it possible to live here. Which is the idea, of course.

Happy Going! We’re all getting punchy heading into the weekend, as if the weekend will be a breather for any of us. David Waldman effectuates our weekending KITM, and I facilitate that with this summary, I hope.

Donald K. Trump pardoned a corporation, yet has not appointed a horse to Senate, which might be more of a late term thing. Polytheism seems to be wearing thin in Trump/Musk circles, with Elon Musk’s pride goething before his fall. Thou shalt bow down thyself only onto Trump in Cabinet meetings. (Graven images available at the door.)

Two people guilty of not praising Donald enough are being investigated for treason, while Trump shops for his presidential Luger. Marco Rubio is punishing the country of South Sudan for not accepting the Democratic Republic of the Congo citizen he sent there by mistake. The commander of a Greenland military base was ousted when she failed to rattle her saber loudly enough for JD Vance. US tells Greenland “I see you have Injuns! We have Injuns!” Kennedy Center president Richard Grenell believes people boycotting the Kennedy Center hate Republicans, when mostly they hate Richard Grenell.

What happens when the courts can’t trust the Executive Branch? Well, we are about to find out, because the courts can’t trust the Executive Branch. Learn more about courts of equity, such as the Court of Chancery.

Kash Patel plans to work remotely in his FBI position but wasn’t remotely working in his ATF job.

Hey now… there’s no proof that Marjorie Taylor Green participated in insider trading this week, or placed pipe bombs prior to Jan 6… It just looks like that.

RFK Jr. will discover the cause of autism by this fall, but if you have cancer, you’ll need to wait a little longer.  

It’s only TLDR if you don’t take the time to read it! How did the President lose and when did he lose it in the SCOTUS Alien Enemy Act case? Curtis Yarvin always wanted to destroy the United States and the global economy, yet somehow still feels empty inside.

Today on KITM, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back! Of course, you expected them to, but how often do things go as expected anymore?

If you thought it was profitable lurking on Pete Hegseth’s signal chats, just think of being on Don Jr. or MTG’s alerts yesterday!  Democrats not on the friend lists are sternly authoring letters at this moment. Who’d guess that Donald K. Trump would use tariffs to reward his friends, when everyone just assumed that he was only using them to punish his enemies? Well, following Trump’s victory/defeat, we can put that behind us, except that it hasn’t changed and it’s still coming…. The apocalypse has been only delayed, until DOGE can make a run on the banks as fun as a run on the stock market.

Congress could take tariff authority back from Trump tomorrow, it’s just that they’ve arranged for tomorrow to not arrive this year. As for today, you knew Republicans weren’t going to stick around through recess debating their big horrible bill. (Including Jared Golden (Maine), Marie Gluesenkamp Perez (Wash.), Henry Cuellar (Texas) and Ed Case (Hawaii).

Golden Trump bust lapel pins are the new American Flag on Republican lapels as Trump directs Pam Bondi, She Wolf of the DOJ, to find capital offences with people who weaponized politics at him. Trump has an Article 2 which allows him to call for 2nd Amendment solutions on anyone. They were just putting Henrry Villatoro Santos blindfold on when they had to let him go.

Elon Musk needs to buy his elections more discreetly. 

Tulsi Gabbard declared her residency in Texas, then voted in Hawaii… Look a squirrel, on that grassy knoll!

A thunder of jets in an open sky... A streak of gray and a cheerful "Hi"! A loop, a whirl, a vertical climb, and once again you know it's time for the adventures of David J. Waldman, his pal Greg Dworkin, KITM and friends!

We are at the dawn of the Trump Tariff era, and the sunset of every other era anyone would want to live in. Sure, the Trump tax will cost America trillions of dollars in the most regressive and destructive way imaginable. But many fictional economists do advocate for the measure, ready to put their fictional necks on the line if things go wrong. MAGA welcomes the new people’s revolution. After all, nothing will build character in today’s youth more effectively than a lifetime working on collective farms.

(Elon Musk says, “Uh, wait a minute.” Donald K. Trump says, “How about 90 days Mr. Musk?”) 

Musk doesn’t need the US when he has the rest of the world’s teat to suck. Does Trump really need tariffs when just threatening them gives him all of the “Please Sir” stories he ever needs?  Trump can make up all of the “Please Sir” stories he’ll ever need. Follow Aaron Rupar on Blue Sky… Blue Sky… Blue Sky!

Who needs to threaten tariffs when you can threaten to bomb Mexico and Panama? Why intimidate citizens when you can make them disappear? 

We can still have elections, and there’s a bunch of them this month. Not all judges are Texan, not even Trump appointed judges. Meanwhile, Dems are working harder and Gops are hardly working.

Are you back in high school? Have your pants disappeared? Yes, you are in the middle of a nightmare... Lucky you. Waking nightmares are much more frustrating.

At least we have David Waldman on KITM to explain some of the horrors befalling us.

Bette Midler refused to dance with Donald K. Trump at Studio 54. That was the moment Donald’s mind ceased to function, trapping him forever in the early 80’s. Now, we are trapped with him. So, who’s to blame for the Trump Tariffs? Uhm… Elon Musk? No, probably not. How about Peter Navarro? Maybe it’s Howard Lutnick? Or could it be JD Vance’s fault for these Trump Tariffs?

No one has figured out who is responsible for the Trump Tariffs, but there will be a $100 million, 4-mile-long parade to honor Generalissimo K. Trump on his birthday.

Meanwhile, Gops will raise the debt limit to $5 trillion, and cut taxes by $5 trillion, because at this point, why not? Blue states can officially drop dead. For those who care about an excuse for SignalFiascoGate, here’s one. Complaints and suggestions are always welcome, just remember to fill out your name and address legibly for a quick response! Judges in Texas are standing by to habeas your corpus onto C-17s, ASAP.