By Ron Vitale
5
2222 ratings
The podcast currently has 131 episodes available.
In this week's podcast, we talk through Step Nine of the 12 Steps.
Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
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After more than two and a half years of the podcast, I'm struggling with burnout.
I explain where I'm at in my life, the challenges I'm working through, and the future of the podcast.
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Thinking in extremes can trap us in a simplistic worldview and also give us a false sense of security. It's easy to blame our parents for the problems with have, but that's not the full story.
Each person is complex.
But it's much easier to point a finger at someone and say: "They hurt me. It's their fault."
In this week's episode, I share my own story about coming to terms with my father's abandoning my mother, mom, and I as well as linking the need for simplistic answers to seeing the world in a range of complexity.
When we are honest with ourselves and with others, we can better see our boundaries and how to be accountable for our actions.
Athough it might be easier to cast our parents as the villain in our story, it's important to remember that people aren't bad, but they make bad choices.
And when we see our own selves through that same lense, we're able to separate the bad decisions we make and allow ourselves the potential to grow and heal.
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In this week's episode, we discuss Step 8:
"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."
Step 8 is not easy and might seem impossible. One way to begin working on this step is to set time limits so that you don't feel overwhelmed.
Begin with a 10-15 minute block of time and write down who you have harmed and what you did to them.
When you finish, stop working on this step and focus on something else. If you allow yourself to get pulled into the depths of this step too quickly, it's easy to berate yourself for all the harm you have caused people.
Take small steps.
From the 12 Steps for Adult Children book:
"Our fear of abandonment sometimes destroyed our relationships, because we did not allow others to be themselves. We created dependency and tried to control their behavior in an effort to maintain the relationship as we wanted it to be."
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What does "working the program" mean?
Each of us come to a fork in the road and we have a choice to make:
Do we want to continue living a life where we're unhappy or take a chance to learn how we can grow and heal?
In this episode, we'll talk about the various paths we can take and the importance of building self-worth, learning how to heal, grow, and embrace change.
We can either repeat the unhealthy patterns that we grow up with or embark on a journey of self-discovery that will lead to new possibilities that we never knew were available to us.
The choice is ours.
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In this week's episode, we're going to discuss Step 7:
For Step Seven, humility is essential. We will also need to reflect on our unhealthy behaviors.
This might mean that we have to come to terms with being immature. It's highly possible that our inner child is emotionally immature because we never learned how to handle problems or a crisis in a healthy way. We only saw unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms that played out in our family.
Good quote from the 12 Steps for Adult Children book:
"Achieving sainthood is not part of this Program. We simply do the best we can, understanding and accepting our humanness without catering to it. Our intentions may be good, but they do not protect us from occasional lapses."
We might also struggle with the removal of our shortcomings because it might feel uncomfortable for us. When we're used to acting a certain way, we might need time to grieve the change and losting a part of ourselves (even though that loss might be shortcomings and acting out with unhealthy behaviors).
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With so much negativity in the world today, let's work together and learn how we can protect ourselves from social media and the 24-hour news cycle.
Tools we can use to help ourselves:
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Why do we limit and hold ourselves back?
In order to embrace joy, ask:
What can we do to quiet the negative voices and to focus on knowing that we are worthy of joy, happiness, and love?
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In this week's episode, we'll review step six:
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
If you don't believe in God, it's still worth working this step. I suggest that you read the step as:
Were entirely ready to have all of your defects of character removed.
Or to boil it down even more:
Were ready to grow and change.
Being prepared to have your "defects of character" removed, means that you're ready to be free of your past and to grow.
If you read this step and think that you're "stupid" or "lazy" or "dumb," I ask you to embrace your inner child and to reframe those thoughts. We all make mistakes and do things that are "stupid, lazy, or dumb."
That doesn't make us those things.
So, let's go on this journey together and see what we can learn.
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Step 5 can be a difficult step to review and process.
If you're new to the 12 Steps or need a refresher, here is Step 5:
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Working through the step consists of three parts: We reach out to God (or creation, a Higher Power, or the universe), self-reflect, and to someone we trust.
We're looking to to share, in a healthy and trustful manner, the darkest parts of ourselves.
Not to be judge, but we do so in order to learn how to learn new skills and to grow to let go of the unhealthy coping mechanisms and dysfunctional behaviors that have held us back.
Working through this step can take time.
Be easy on yourself.
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